jclaudio Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 My name is Jenna, I'm 21 and I've been married for 2 years and my husband is 26. We have been struggling with issues for a while but it has been getting worse and finally he exploded. I have been suffering from depression for a long time. I took care of my grandma for 2 years before she passed away in July of 08, I had an ectopic pregnancy in Feb of 08, in which the doc was able to save my tube. Part of my depression has had me glued to the PC where I would spend hours upon hours on and even sometimes not sleep. I would stay on it all day and night even after my husband came home and even when he asked me to spend time with him I never got off. A friend, that I met online and I have never met in real life, had interest in me but it never went any further than that. I had questioned if I was ready to be married 6 months into after we got married, we had gotten married 6 months into our relationship. I told him that and he said "Well I don't want you talking to him anymore." I never removed him from my facebook and we occasionally chatted, just simple "Hi how are you?". I got a call from him in Sept 08 and he was just talking about himself, and we were talking for like 15min and then my husband came home and saw me on the phone and I did have the worst look on my face. Well on Dec 20th, right before Christmas, he told me that he can't take this anymore. I neglected him for so long because of my depression that it has drove up to the brink of divorce. I wrote an email to him (he's been keeping his phone locked and he texts a lot and makes phone calls at all hours of the night. He has admitted to talking to someone but their just friends and that's it but when I asked him "Is there any mutual feelings?" he said to me "I would never leave you for another person". How am I supposed to know? I have been trying to show him how much I want him, I love him more than anything in this world, and if I could, I'd give him everything I could right now to show him how much I want him. I told him "It's so hard right now because were both unhappy, please just try" he said "It's not you, its me, I'm fighting with myself". So I asked him "What do you want to do?" and he said "I don't know, but all I know is that it has come down to me. I don't know what I want and all I know is that I'm unhappy and I don't want to be anymore". I said "Please just let me make you love me, I can make you love me". He said "You were never there when I needed you to be and even after I told you to stop talking to him, you kept doing it even though I told you it was hurting me". I have cut off all contact with this person, and have deleted all my accounts that he knew how to get a hold of me. I haven't talked to his kid for months. 3 nights ago, he was home sitting on the PC and he was going through his email account flipping through his emails and I glanced over to look at him and he opened an email with this girl that he says are just friends, in her underwear and it wasn't sent to him for what I think it was. He says he hasn't cheated on me. I asked him "Do you like her? Do you both have feelings?" He said "Look, I told you I have grown very close with this person. Yes I do like her and we both have mutual feelings for each other. I didn't plan on this happening but if we wernt in this situation I would have been wrong. I love you with all of my heart, I just don't know what I want right now, and I cant promise that everything will be ok. All I know is that I'm tired of feeling empty and alone and I need to figure out what I want in my life because I only get one. I don't know how to fix this.." He wont tell me any more information about her except for just her name, and says that it's not important. He doesn't want to talk about anything and I don't know what to do. He still comes home and still wants to have sex with me, but he says that its hard for him to tell me that he loves me, call me babe, etc. I want our marriage to work out and I feel like he is confused on what to do. He said he doesn't want to do marriage counseling or individual counseling. He says he doesn't need it. I told him I'm gonna start it and go on some meds, and I asked him if he would support me and he says "He doesn't understand the question". He's pretty much placed all the blame on me for everything that has gone wrong, and I have accepted the fact that I did mess. He's made me feel like it is my fault that this chick is involved. He says she knows whats going on and says "Why don't you guys work things out?" I'm just not sure if that's just what he wants me to hear. All day long I'm just trying to figure out what to do, it's hard to talk to him because he doesn't say anything to me, and I cant help but start to cry and he says "God, I wish you didn't cry, I hate seeing you like this". He just is giving me so many mixed signals, like one night he'll want to be affectionate, then the next he'll be cold. I need some advice on what to do to make him realize that we got married for a reason. I have been putting in 200% to show him how serious I want to be with him, and that our marriage and him means everything to me.
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 You both are to blame for the state of your marriage..Both of you stopped making effort for various reasons and because of that, each of you have looked outside of the marriage for some excitement. Online, offline, whatever..IT ISN'T going to make things better, just worse, as you know now. The key is communication and going to marriage counselling. You also need individual counselling (CBT - Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) to deal with your depression. Are you on meds for your depression or had any counselling in helping you with that? I hope he is willing to go with you and fix the marriage.
Author jclaudio Posted January 25, 2009 Author Posted January 25, 2009 You both are to blame for the state of your marriage..Both of you stopped making effort for various reasons and because of that, each of you have looked outside of the marriage for some excitement. Online, offline, whatever..IT ISN'T going to make things better, just worse, as you know now. The key is communication and going to marriage counselling. You also need individual counselling (CBT - Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) to deal with your depression. Are you on meds for your depression or had any counselling in helping you with that? I hope he is willing to go with you and fix the marriage. I have a prescription for 30mg Remeron because of my depression, I have very bad insomnia, and since all of this, I have been struggling to eat, loss of appetite and feeling sick all the time. My insurance was dropped and I'm in the process of getting it back so for now, I cannot afford my medicine. As for counceling, he is NOT willing to do any sort what so ever and said that "He's going to do what he wants to do, and focus on himself to figure out what he wants." and he wants me to do the same. I start counceling tomorrow, I've had to wait a while in order to see this person I'm now meeting with because of a long back up list. I'm considering to ask him if he would go with me just to be there for me but I'm not sure if that would make him mad. I don't know how to ask him to stop talking to this person or if I should because I have even mentioned to him that if he needs his space, then it just needs to be him by himself without this woman that he's talking to. I feel like if he keeps talking to her, it's going to make matters worse.
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