pamalexj Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Soo...I've posted here before under the thread "What Do I Do?" After we agreed to a separation for 3 weeks now, I have seen and spent time with him to talk our differences out and trying to make this work. We agreed to meet every Saturday for lunch and it seems to be helping, but not sure that the agreement to move on and put our life back together is in the clear just yet. As of yesterday, he seemed to be thinking on the right track that I wanted him on, but I want to make sure it's what he wants also. Three days ago, I sent him a text out of the blue to say, "I forgive you." He texted back, "Forgive me?" I had an idea that there was something that I needed to forgive him for without even knowing what it was. When I met him for lunch yesterday, he admitted to have had an affair about a year and a half ago, after the fact that we moved on after my affair and he decided to make things work. It was almost as if he was taking revenge out on me, but just like me, the excitement got the best of him. He told me that the affair that he had was not worth it. I told him that it hurt, but I wasn't even worried about the past. I do believe in karma and that it came back on me, which was expected, but I am just glad he told me now, rather than working things out and it come out years from now. He's not so sure he wants to so okay and make it work just yet because I think he has a fear that we will be back at square one in say, two months? I mentioned to him that working as a team instead of individuals and against each other like we have the last year and a half, that we could work this out. We both admit there are faults on both ends. I sincerely can say that I will never hurt him again. Not only could I not put him through it, but I couldn't put myself through it. My heart aches right now, but time will tell what is gonna be done about it. My dad ask us to go and see a movie that was in theaters before all this came up on January 5th, but we didn't have the money to go at the time. The movie Fireproof has been proven to enhance or even restore marriages in all kinds of situations. I do believe that God will do anything that you ask of him. But, all things happen for a reason and I believe that our past and our arguements, fights, and emotional battles can be overcome. I believe that if this works, that it will only make us stronger as a couple. It makes it a lot easier to deal with, knowing that he done the same to me, but I was just honest enough to tell him only a week after it happened. He waited a year and a half, but I don't hold that against him. I am glad that he is finally opening up enough to talk to me about it and being honest now, rather than when it's too late. One of his problems and insecurities in the past has been that he will bottle things up (as most men do) and I think it's a step toward a brighter future. When I met with him yesterday, I took a copy of The Love Dare book, as featured in the film, Fireproof. He did agree to read it and study the things and honestly think he is gonna try what he can to restore what we still have. It's a 40 day challenge that I think looks and sounds awesome. Some challenges are easy and some are extremely difficult, but I think they are ALL worth it. The flame is still there, it just needs rekindled. I think we'll be okay. Another note: We talked about the different emotions we were feeling yesterday and we got on the subject of sexual frustration and both agreed that having sexual frustration should be taken out on each other as your spouse instead of finding someone outside the relationship that would get us back into the same mess that we were in. Soo, we had sex and agreed to keep it non emotional (even though that's VERY hard NOT to do)! There were emotions, they just weren't shown until I drove away full of bliss with the old feelings that we used to have. He was more passionate than I have even seen him and really felt even better than the first time we ever had sexual relations. We were BOTH nervous and admitted that, but I can't describe the feeling it gave me to be with him and share each other's bodies like we did. I look forward to many more of thee times, but TIME will only tell... Anyone think I should do anything different that what I am doing? That we'll be ok or am I being played for a fool? Am I going about this the wrong way? I need some advice...
PWSX3 Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 As of yesterday, he seemed to be thinking on the right track that I wanted him on, but I want to make sure it's what he wants also. Three days ago, I sent him a text out of the blue to say, "I forgive you." He texted back, "Forgive me?" I had an idea that there was something that I needed to forgive him for without even knowing what it was. When I met him for lunch yesterday, he admitted to have had an affair about a year and a half ago, after the fact that we moved on after my affair and he decided to make things work. It was almost as if he was taking revenge out on me, but just like me, the excitement got the best of him. Two wrongs do not make a right & him having an affair doesn't make up for yours. Both of you have been dishonest with each other & it is something you really need to work on. Like I have heard the affair isn't the problem, you have to find out why you had the affair. He told me that the affair that he had was not worth it. I told him that it hurt, but I wasn't even worried about the past. I do believe in karma and that it came back on me, which was expected, but I am just glad he told me now, rather than working things out and it come out years from now. He's not so sure he wants to so okay and make it work just yet because I think he has a fear that we will be back at square one in say, two months? I mentioned to him that working as a team instead of individuals and against each other like we have the last year and a half, that we could work this out. We both admit there are faults on both ends. I sincerely can say that I will never hurt him again. Not only could I not put him through it, but I couldn't put myself through it. My heart aches right now, but time will tell what is gonna be done about it. My dad ask us to go and see a movie that was in theaters before all this came up on January 5th, but we didn't have the money to go at the time. The movie Fireproof has been proven to enhance or even restore marriages in all kinds of situations. I do believe that God will do anything that you ask of him. But, all things happen for a reason and I believe that our past and our arguments, fights, and emotional battles can be overcome. I believe that if this works, that it will only make us stronger as a couple. I have also heard great things about that movie and I want to watch it once it comes out in DVD since people at Divorce Care said it might be to much for me to watch now. As for things happen for a reason I'm not sure about that. God does give us the power to choice & sometimes that isn't what he wants us to do but he works with what we do even if it isn't the right move. When I met with him yesterday, I took a copy of The Love Dare book, as featured in the film, Fireproof. He did agree to read it and study the things and honestly think he is gonna try what he can to restore what we still have. It's a 40 day challenge that I think looks and sounds awesome. Some challenges are easy and some are extremely difficult, but I think they are ALL worth it. The flame is still there, it just needs rekindled. I think we'll be okay. All marriage take work & you are both doing the right thing by looking at what you can do, not what the other person needs to do. Another note: We talked about the different emotions we were feeling yesterday and we got on the subject of sexual frustration and both agreed that having sexual frustration should be taken out on each other as your spouse instead of finding someone outside the relationship that would get us back into the same mess that we were in. Soo, we had sex and agreed to keep it non emotional (even though that's VERY hard NOT to do)! There were emotions, they just weren't shown until I drove away full of bliss with the old feelings that we used to have. He was more passionate than I have even seen him and really felt even better than the first time we ever had sexual relations. We were BOTH nervous and admitted that, but I can't describe the feeling it gave me to be with him and share each other's bodies like we did. I look forward to many more of thee times, but TIME will only tell... Two things, when me & my stbxw got back together the sex was just like when we first got married, it was all fun but it didn't last, it went back to the way it was pretty quick after we got back together so I'm not sure if sex is a good idea, specially if you believe in God. The other thing is I listen to a Christian radio station a lot & they talk about sex with couples when they are separated & they don't advice it & even my counselor told me; don't add sex into the mix until you figure out all the other emotional things because it will just cloud your mind. I'm not saying to have sex or not to have sex, but this is just things that were suggested to me. I know Christian's thinking is a lot different then just people out having sex to have sex.... Anyone think I should do anything different that what I am doing? That we'll be ok or am I being played for a fool? Am I going about this the wrong way? I need some advice... Take it slow, you have a lot to work thru & having two affairs in the mix isn't going to make it easy. You still need to do all the grieving & emotional stuff because if you don't it will come back to haunt you.
Author pamalexj Posted January 25, 2009 Author Posted January 25, 2009 Fireproof is coming out on DVD on Tuesday, January 27th... Well I do agree with you on that. I also agreed that there would be no regrets. I just don't want him to get so frustrated that he goes elsewhere to find sex. Every relationship is different depending on the people who are involved, but I just said that I was glad that he realized that he needed to be honest (improvement!) and tell me about it. I'm not angry because I can't be. Two wrongs may not make a right, but it helps me realize how it made him feel to a certain extent. I know he sincerely regrets it and he does hate to hurt me. I saw the hurt in his eyes as he told me. But, he did say that it was a big obstacle out of his way and off his shoulders, so he can move on and make improvements on making this work. I know I am guilty, but I really hate now when someone mentions finding someone else or getting someone else involved while separated. It just creates more problems, I think, than it would if we were to relieve each other. I am sure that if you work at your relationship and are really serious about it, that it won't go back to what it was when you reconciled. Everyone has different opinions and I know that, but I am sure we'll be ok.
PWSX3 Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Something else that has helped me is getting involved in a men's group at church, being around other good men. Once you start listening to others & sharing your story it is amazing how they are all the same, just have little twists in them to make them unique. Men all have the same temptations no matter who they are, so it helps to be in a group to learn & share. I'm looking forward to watching that DVD even though I know our marriage is over, but it will help me understand for whatever comes my way. I wish you the best, I really wished people would try harder at saving a marriage. There is also some good Christian seminars & couple retreats you could look into. I have friends that went to them & really felt it helped there marriage out. Good luck...
Author pamalexj Posted January 25, 2009 Author Posted January 25, 2009 Thank you so much for the good luck...It's up to fate right now and God to direct or redirect us. He did refuse marriage counseling and mentioned going to church last Sunday, but back out and said that he didn't care about being around a lot of people, so he chose to stay home. He did agree to read the book, so it's a positive step. He does other small things, which I think are better than any big steps! He calls or texts me when he gets home from work AND before he goes to bed to tell me goodnight. He has also changed since the last time I seen him and we have both come a long way in just a week at a time. I was listening to Heaven (Little By Little) by Theory of A Deadman the other day and it shows me a lot of things. But, ALL things are possible through Jesus Christ Our Lord! I am hanging onto that quote from the Bible, as I truly believe it and know that it will be saved. A little faith has went a long way thus far. Thanks for the support and I will keep you posted.
Author pamalexj Posted January 26, 2009 Author Posted January 26, 2009 So, we talked last night and he seems to be coming around and feeling bad for the way we have treated each other. I think things are being looked at and the only thing holding him from asking me to come home is not knowing if it's gonna be the same in say, 2 months? But, I assured him that if we work as a team and not individuals that it would be worth the wait to see. With love and understanding and the grace of God, I know we will work through this and we can be happy if not happier than if we had just met. Anyone think differently?
PWSX3 Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 Changes have to be made, what you were doing wasn't working. I know the church I go to has classes for couples to help with there marriage, & I know there are other ways of getting help, but I do believe you need outside help just to get you both back on the right track. I wish you the best, divorce I feel is not the answer most of the time and so if you can work it out good for you.
Author pamalexj Posted January 26, 2009 Author Posted January 26, 2009 Changes have to be made, what you were doing wasn't working. I know the church I go to has classes for couples to help with there marriage, & I know there are other ways of getting help, but I do believe you need outside help just to get you both back on the right track. I wish you the best, divorce I feel is not the answer most of the time and so if you can work it out good for you. Changes are in the process of being made. While living apart from each other, I have been attending church and gotten into a support system. I can see changes in myself and I think he's noticed. I have been more patient and not as nagging as I have been in the past. I have quit smoking for 3 weeks now, which was a BIG insult to him. I not only did it for him, but for myself. He had ask me several times to quit and instead I hid it from him like a fool. But, I am on the straight path now and trying my best to do what I can. I've come to realize that love is not selfish nor is it easy, but when it's worth it, you work for it and give it your all...Right?
Author pamalexj Posted January 31, 2009 Author Posted January 31, 2009 UPDATE: As of January 29th, I gathered my stuff and headed home to Georgia for an indefinite time away from him to give him and I the space we need and deserve. Family has told me one thing and friends have told me another. I don't know what to believe, but I am just gonna let things ride for now and see how it goes from there. He is supposed to come for one of his daughter's events in 2 weeks (Valentine's Day weekend) and he agreed to have lunch/dinner and talk things over and see exactly where we are. I am not sure if I need to put a time limit on this, like it has been suggested, but I am gonna take the advice and act as if I have my own life and not waller in the fear and anger that I have. I am going to look for jobs on Monday and act as if I am moving on. I can't sit around and wait on him forever. We agreed that we aren't gonna be seeing other people while we are apart and I TRUST that that is gonna be what he does. I trust that he will keep his word and he isn't gonna get anyone else involved. My step dad has mentioned that he believes that he has a girlfriend or is planning on it, since he has the time without me there to bother him or him get caught, but I have other ways to find out without even snooping. I believe the truth will eventually find him out, as we have seen in the past few weeks. If this doesn't make us, it will break us. It can only go one of two ways. I am still hopeful for the better, but I am gonna act as if it is totally over and move on, like I said, I can't wait forever and I told him this. I just hope he is doing what he needs to do (the right way) to realize what has happened can be overcome and hopefully with space he will realize that the grass isn't ALWAYS greener on the other side. What do ya'll think???
Author pamalexj Posted February 13, 2009 Author Posted February 13, 2009 So, we have been separated for 5 weeks now. It seems like a lifetime, honestly. I was staying at a friend's house for 3 weeks, locally and saw him once a week for lunch and to talk about things. He said that nothing had changed and that it wasn't gonna change. I then decided that maybe with me being so close in reach that it wasn't enough, so I decided to drive 600 miles and live with family for a little bit and along the way I have said and done things that made him doubt that I had changed. Just when I thought we were making lead way, I say or do something to mess it up. I realize now, how hard it is to be 600 miles away and not be able to be close and actually "show" someone that you trust them. I checked in on our phone bill, ask too many questions that I regret and he said that was it! We were done! But, something tells me maybe it's still not. He had texted and/or called when he got home from work and when he went to bed to tell me goodnight...that is until I brought it to his attention. He is supposed to be coming into town tomorrow for a play that his daughter is in. I know the intent of this trip and don't want him to take any time from his daughter. When I read the phone bill, it showed where he had talked to his female friend, that I know about, just had doubts about, and then saw right after he got off the phone with her, he had called a hotel. Coincedentally, I had called the same hotel thinking it might be a good idea on the same day that he did. When I ask if his friend had suggested he get a room for us for Valentine's Day, he said yes. Well, then I just felt like a piece of crap that things I had said or done had ruined that chance. He said there would be no hotel and to not even think about it. I have been seeing a counselor for a couple of weeks now and their suggestion was for me to keep my reservations that I had, have him pick me up for dinner from there, which he has agreed to do, and take my time getting ready, so I will have to invite him in and have a few minutes to break the ice. I don't know how it is going to go tomorrow, but it has been suggested that I not bring up dividing our belongings or even about the separation. I was told to let him ask the questions. To read him and see how he reacts and I would be able to tell where it was gonna go from there. I have had doubt in my mind that he has been seeing this other female friend and that he may have a hotel room for "them," but as I have messed up in the past, I am not gonna ask! I am gonna trust that he is gonna keep an agreement that we had and not commit adultery AGAIN! I trust he will make the right decisions. He said that we will see if I am checking up on him (because I swore up and down I wasn't). He said there may be a test and I ask what if I passed and he said, "We will see." So what if I pass? What does that mean? Should I play it cool and see how he feels. Don't ask questions? Hope for the best? Trust that he makes the right decisions? I have learned a lot about trust and like the couselor said, I may be in a great deal of pain and hurt right now, but either way this goes, I won't hurt forever! I hope he is right! What does anyone else think about this??? How should I react? I know I am really nervous after not seeing him for 2 weeks consecutively... I'll be waiting for advice....
edgeof27 Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 PamelaXJ, you seem like a nice person, however, it's over, it's not about movies, it's not about books, it's not about counsellors it's not about "Ophra", it's about you.................... you don't need him, you don't wan't him, it's over......................... move on, g....
Author pamalexj Posted February 13, 2009 Author Posted February 13, 2009 I see what you are getting at, but the thing is, I need him and I want him. It's the total opposite. I have went over and beyond what any woman would usually do to keep the person she loves and desires, but I have realized I can't make someone love me, nor can I be married to myself. I know that! I feel like we could have made some improvements by me just trusting him these last 5 weeks and I haven't showed him that I can. But, like I said, it's hard to when you aren't there to see what going on and if another relationship ever comes my way...I WILL STAY FAITHFUL and make sure that I know what I am getting myself into! The counselor did tell me that maybe sometimes it is better to start over fresh and made me realize how hard it may be to trust again or how doubtful it can be to want to be with someone when I'm not wanted. Or why spend all this time trying to make it work when even if he reconciles, that it's all a waste of time and he truly doesn't work it out for the right reasons. The doubt is always gonna be there...i.e. Was this worth reconciling??? I hope to get some answers tomorrow! We'll see...What do you think?
Author pamalexj Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 So, Friday night, the 13th, I met him for dinner when he came into town to visit with his daughter and got a hotel room so we could talk outside of public. He said he was no longer wanting to try, but after giving him my reasoning for not trusting him and then reasoning FOR trusting him, we got a lot of things talked out. We talked about me having to go back home for a visit to the doctor and wanted to see how things stood once I got there. I wanted the next 4 weeks to show him that I could trust him...actually show him and not check into phone records, asking questions, etc. I got him a card to apologize for all the wrong I had done and hoped it made him realize that I was sincere in reasoning to keep on trying to work at this. I had noticed during dinner that he had took his ring off and ask why. He said when it made him so mad during our conversation the prior Wednesday that it made his final decision. But, there's still something there and I can see it in his words and actions. I know he still cares deep down, just waiting on those feelings to come back up. I hope that in the next 4 weeks, I can show him that I can trust him after realizing that the problem is me, not him. I am the one that doesn't trust, but yet it irritates him so much that he wants to end it. After all is said and done, I have been told that no matter how bad I hurt right now, it won't hurt like this forever. It will all soon be in the past whether it works out or not. I went to see his daughter in her play tonight and actually sat by him during it along with my sister and nephew. My nephew wanted to see her and give her a hug, but she was in the middle of a performance and started crying hysterically. Afterwards, I told his daughter that I had a gift for her for Valentine's and she then broke down in tears asking she missed me and why couldn't I go with her and daddy. It broke my heart to see the tears in her eyes. I'm not sure if he saw them or not, but I hope it makes him realize what it does do to kids, regardless if they are ours together or just stepkids. I hope he reconsiders what he is about to do to her! Anyone got any other advice as to what to think or do?
edgeof27 Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Pamela XJ seems that you want to make this relationship work for both of you, I think that you are just delaying the inevitable, however, if you are determined to proceed with an attempt at reconcilliation, good luck, just make sure that both of you are well prepared for failure, g....
Author pamalexj Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 Edge, I have already prepared myself for failure. I truly believe it can be worked out as long as he will let me in. He's blocked me out and it makes it really hard as far as having anything to work with when you have a dead heart. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. But, I feel like I am already a failure, but I had no time in the past to prepare. I have 3 weeks to prove myself to him...if something has changed once I see him then, he said we will see what happens. I feel this one last chance will help me understand the situation and get to know him better as well as time to find myself.
PWSX3 Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Edge, I have already prepared myself for failure. I truly believe it can be worked out as long as he will let me in. He's blocked me out and it makes it really hard as far as having anything to work with when you have a dead heart. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. But, I feel like I am already a failure, but I had no time in the past to prepare. I have 3 weeks to prove myself to him...if something has changed once I see him then, he said we will see what happens. I feel this one last chance will help me understand the situation and get to know him better as well as time to find myself. It is sad you have to put a limit on this. I have been separated from my stbxw for almost 6 months & I have been really working on me & you know what I found out???? When I started there were only a couple things I felt I needed to work on, that most of our problems were her faults but now I have a book of things I'm wanting to work on. When you are honest with yourself & really start digging into who & what "you" are it is amazing the things you learn..... The problem is it really hurts sometimes, you don't want to except what you find.... I would like to suggest work on you, don't try & "PROVE" to him you are good enough for him. When you start working on "you" thing will start to look different, you will be able to make good choices... For me I wanted my marriage to work, I didn't want a divorce but now I am learning there are things I need to work on & I don't see the stbxw doing much so it is time to move on..... I hope something here made since, it's early & I might just be rambling...
Author pamalexj Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 It is sad you have to put a limit on this. I have been separated from my stbxw for almost 6 months & I have been really working on me & you know what I found out???? When I started there were only a couple things I felt I needed to work on, that most of our problems were her faults but now I have a book of things I'm wanting to work on. When you are honest with yourself & really start digging into who & what "you" are it is amazing the things you learn..... The problem is it really hurts sometimes, you don't want to except what you find.... I would like to suggest work on you, don't try & "PROVE" to him you are good enough for him. When you start working on "you" thing will start to look different, you will be able to make good choices... For me I wanted my marriage to work, I didn't want a divorce but now I am learning there are things I need to work on & I don't see the stbxw doing much so it is time to move on..... I hope something here made since, it's early & I might just be rambling... Well, he came into town for his daughter's play this past Friday. I met him for dinner, got a hotel room and he agreed to go back and talk and we ended up having sex. Oh well, I say. It may not have been right, but long over due and didn't change anything. He played his single card and got a hotel room behind my back, went out drinking with "our" best friend and his brother, then lied the next morning about where he was coming from. I knew where his car was parked, but it's ok. I was ready to let it all out and say it was over. I was tired and finally had to draw the line. The last two weeks had been hell since I had moved to live with my mom and step dad and what they had been saying had finally started making sense. No matter what I did...it just made things worse. He knew what he wanted regardless of what I said. So, I drew the line, gave him my spill and got in my truck to drive away. I didn't cry, and it was then that I realized that I was truly over and done trying. I had no regrets for trying because it made me a stronger person. I am gonna keep my head up and move on because I know there is someone out there that will treat me right and not down me all the time and point out every little flaw that I have, that won't emotionally, and mentally abuse me. I deserve better and I know I will get that one day. God has a special plan for me, but in the mean time, I will continue to work on ME and only ME. Thanks to everyone for all their support, suggestions and/or advice. It really did help me in showing me which direction to take. Good luck to everyone out there still struggling. I can honestly say, I know how it feels now!
edgeof27 Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Pamela XJ, okay now stick to your plan, don't waste any more time thinking of what could have been, he has shown you his true self, forget him, don't think about him, focus on you, move ahead, believe that you are doing the right thing, you will be better off in the future without him, good luck, g....
PWSX3 Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Sounds like you have done some good thinking about everything. Like edgeof27 said; move forward but be prepared for those back slides which you WILL get. The roller coaster ride is not over, you will get those days you wonder why am I doing this? Just remind yourself of the big picture, remind yourself he has shown you his true colors..... I am sorry you are going though this, but like my counselor shared with me; as long as we learn from our mistakes then we are on the right path, but when we don't learn is when we get into trouble.
Author pamalexj Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 I don't have to wonder if I made the right decision. He pretty much made it for me. There is no trying on his end and I know he will never wonder if he did the right thing. He already had his mind up before we ever split. He put up a mental block and blocked me out completely before I ever tried to reconcile. But, know it's not all my fault!
PWSX3 Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 I don't have to wonder if I made the right decision. He pretty much made it for me. There is no trying on his end and I know he will never wonder if he did the right thing. He already had his mind up before we ever split. He put up a mental block and blocked me out completely before I ever tried to reconcile. But, know it's not all my fault! That will come back & bite him in the behind someday later, but just worry about yourself....(HUGS)
Author pamalexj Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 That will come back & bite him in the behind someday later, but just worry about yourself....(HUGS) I think he knows he lost a good thing, but time will tell...He's a stubborn SOB anyway for the whole 7 years I've known him...
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