So Here's My Story

[rockstar1]

I've been reading relationship forums for awhile now and decided to finally open an account because I've got to vent and get things off my chest. I'll do my best to make this as short as possible. I'm a 30 year old man and have been in a relationship with my fiance for 6 years. She's 35. When I first met her, she was still married but going thru a divorce. I was and am still very attracted to her and she began to become attracted to me. I'm a christian man and try my best to live a chrsitian lifestyle, so getting involved with a married woman wasn't a plan of mine. After her divorce was final(about 3-4 months after we met), we began to get serious. I'm a musician and she said my passion for music is what attracted her to me. Over the last 6 years she's gone thru spells where she is "questioning" our relationship. I have moved in with her 3 times, only to be told after a few months that she's not attracted to me anymore and that I should move out. When I move out it's hard to find a new place, on top of furnishing a new apartment evertime as well. But when I'm away she wants me to return. I've moved in and out a total of 6 times over the last 2 years. I give her space in hopes that it will save our relationship. But problems keep recurring. I have some trust issues with her. There's been a couple times when she was "questioning" our relationship and I became suspicious. I hate to say this, but I logged onto here e-mail and found out she was having internet relationships with other men. There was no talk about sex, but she was clearly reaching out to these men and making an effort to spark up something else. I called her out on it the first time and she said she hadden't spoken to him in over 1 month and she loves me and wants to make this work. But I still felt like there was something else. So the next day I logged back onto her e-mail and found a deleted e-mail that said "you have successfully created a yahoo account". I typed in numerous passwords and finally craked thru only to find out that she had e-mailed the guy as soon as the night before. So she lied to my face. We fought pretty bad for a couple days and I told her I couldn't do it anymore. She texted me several times that she loved me. So I got sucked back in.

At the time I was living 4 hours down the road and figured that I needed to make a decision. My options with her was: 1.)The long distance relationship had finally caught up to us and it was time to let her go, or 2.)I'm going to be the best man for her she's ever met and ask her to marry me. After thinking on this for about 3 weeks I decided to go with #2. I sold nearly everything I had plus worked night and day to buy her a nice engagement ring. My fiance has very high taste for fashion and the finer things in life. So I purchased a beautiful ring from Tiffany & Co that ran me $10,000. The price didn't matter because I felt that she was worth more, but that's all I could swing at that point in my life. It was great. I proposed to her at the fountains at the Bellagio. She said yes and it totally rekindled our relationship.

A couple months later I moved back in with her to begin a real family life. After 6 months she was tired of me again. So once again, I moved out in hopes of preserving our relationship. 2 months later, she wanted me back. So I moved back in with her again. We recently purchased a condo together and halved everything down the middle. We put everything in her name. I live in the condo which is 4 hours away from where she is. She owns a business there and is planning on moving here in a couple months. Recently she began to question our relationship once again. Our sex life is ridiculous. Maybe 1 time per month for the past year.

There are traits she said she wants in a man. Like tall muscular build, wealthy, and having a successful stable career. I don't fit these requirements. I'm 5'7" on my best day. I am athletic and I do work out 6 days a week. Being a musician it's probably one of the most unstable jobs in history. And I'm not wealthy. But I believe I'm a good man. I'm honest and faithful, I do all the maintenance work around her house, I try my best to look good for her, I don't hit her or verbally abuse her in any way, and I've allways done everything I can in my power to keep her happy. I've allways put her on a pedestal making her #1 on my totem pole. There are things she wants in life like having a $500,000 home, having a $50,000 wedding, having at least 4 fancy cars, go to celebrity balls and events, and wear only the most expensize clothes money can buy. Doesn't this sound superficial? She won't marry me unless I can swing half of the wedding tab. That's fine, but I can't afford what she wants. She seems to allways bring me down with words about how I'm not tall enough, don't do enough with myself, and don't dress nice enough etc.

I've put everything that I have into our new condo. Every single last penny. I come from a family where you put 100% into you relationship. So I have these traits too. We had a bad fight last night over the phone. She told me she wasn't attracted to me again and she feels like things are just being drug along. I've been watching her e-mail another guy from afar. I hate to go behind her back and read e-mails but my gut was telling me something was going on again. So I told her I knew she what she was up to. She said it's only about business. But I read in another e-mail to her friend that she "can't stop looking and this new guy, he's such a cutie." So she said lets just end it then. I had a few drinks in me and gladly agreed. Last night I didn't sleep a wink. I keep replaying so many good memories with her in my mind. From our travels to, waking up to her and bringing her breakfast every weekend. So I called her this morning and told her I was really heartbroken and would like to try and make things work 1 last time. We've agreed to not talk for the next 2 weeks until we go on our vacation to Las Vegas. Then we'll see how we feel and go from there.

I've been in 2 relationships in my life. The first one ended when she cheated on me with her ex. This one has been a lot longer and we've done a lot more things though. I think every person defines "cheating" differently. Some peole may say your not cheating until you actually have sex. But I feel like her e-mail other men is a form of cheating. She wrote in an e-mail that she wishes could have truned back the clock and had a fling with the first guy. She went on vacation with some old college classmates last summer. She borrowed my camera and as I was looking thru the pics the other day I found one where she was flashing the people she was with. And the best part about that is the fact that the other people were all men. They're all gay, but there still men. I was dissapointed to say the least. So because of my past experiences and now with her, I have some trust issues.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I want dearly to make it work and am going thru some terrible emotions right now. It's hard to throw away 6 years and I'm trying not to. But at the same time I'm tired of feeling not good enough and unwanted. God Bless

[Geishawhelk]

This is hopeless.

No, really, it is. if you haven't got a grip or handle on this by now, i'm sorry, you're just being really dense.

 

This is soul-destroying, thankless, pointless, self-defeating and pointless.

 

Yes, I know I put that twice.

 

That's how pointless it is.

 

She's materialistic, and fickle.

She's shallow and selfish.

She is so bad for you, such a user and so despicable, I'm not even going to bother telling you what you should you.

 

I'm hoping you'll have worked it out for yourself by now.

[eDave]

What Geisha said! OMG. I hope your ex lives a long and miserable life like she deserves.

 

I can relate but not to your extent.

 

Let her go ahead and chase the money and cars. Shallow, shallow and shallow.

 

Do you really want a life of trying to get that $500K home and 4 'fancy' cars?

 

Pull yourself up man. I don't know what else to say...

[IcemanJB]

Wow. All I can say is wow. I think the problem here is you are a little short (no pun intended - hey, I'm only 5'6") in the self-respect category. SHE'S BEEN WALKING ALL OVER YOU FOR THE PAST 6 YEARS. You should have tossed her to the curb a looooong time ago. I don't know if you've read the novel "The Shack" but it's got an awesome chapter talking about relationships that's VERY insightful; specifically regarding respect between the couple - and God for that matter. You should check it out.

 

Just walk away. She does NOT deserve you. I'm all for being polite and courteous as long as the other party respects me the same way. She does NOT respect you. Get away from this before you get hurt any more.

[rockstar1]

I appreciate you people that have taken the time and replied. It helps me open my eyes more to have an opinion from a neutral person.

[You'reasian]

I appreciate you people that have taken the time and replied. It helps me open my eyes more to have an opinion from a neutral person.

 

You sounds like a good man, but I think she's looking for a rich guy. I think the two of you are uncompatable financially.

[nature]

If you look in the dictionary under "Unhealthy, Dysfuntional, Abusive Relationship", yours is the definition.

[eDave]

You sounds like a good man' date=' but I think she's looking for a rich guy. I think the two of you are uncompatable financially.[/quote']

 

Hey Rockstar. My post was a bit bitter as I am cycling a bit here and your note caught in the anger phase. I am sorry about that.

 

What You'reasian said sounds to be true. Not only rich, but very rich. That is something you are not. It is not a knock on you. Very few people are. With that said: just who the hell does she think she is that SHE is good enough to have that, for long term. I am friends with some rich guys and they DO NOT cater to gold diggers and can see them from a mile away.

 

End this mess. If you are feeling a bit insecure about your financial situation then take a year (it's only a year) and focus on you. Maybe it's your music, maybe it's you as a person or both. But also take this time to focus on saving some dough. You will have it for the next person in your life, or just for yourself.

 

I myself, was left broken financially by my ex and her extravagant needs. My plan is what I outlined for you. Not having the money to support someone when needed is a very emasculating thing. To be judged by it is even worse.

 

Again, sorry for my bitterness before. As you can tell I went through the same thing. They will find the money. Question is, are they ready for what the cost is?

 

You now have a new life in front of you and you can go in any direction you want. I think that is exciting! And I am 43

[rockstar1]

Thanks eDave!! I didn't take your comments in a bad way at all. I don't think she's golddigging though. She is very successful in her career and makes pretty big $$$. So she could afford what she wants in a couple years. But I on the other hand couldn't. A person can only grow so much over time. She's older and has had more time in the working world than me. Maybe she's just further along in life than me. I'm not trying to defend her if it sounds that way. Just trying to make sense of the situation I guess.

[eDave]

Makes sense and thank you for not taking me bitterly. That just may be it; she needs an equal. In support of her, I felt the same way about my ex though I wouldn't have broken up with her over it. I do OK, she does not. Yet she expected all the expensive dinners, trips, gifts, etc. Had the 2 of us been equals financially we could have done all of that without jeopardizing bills and financial security.

 

But I will repeat. I loved my GF despite that and I never considered dumping her for more money. Honestly though, I will be a bit more shallow in my next relationship when it comes to this.

 

Yours doesn't sound so bad now. It's just as you said; she is further along and wants a partner equal, or close. Don't take it personally if possible.