no_one Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 I have been a lurker on here for a few months and have found it useful. Today I just needed to vent a bit.... I was in a long-distance relationship for a year, we lived 1,300 miles apart. I would visit him often and even flew once just to accompany him to a doctor's appt. He broke things off with me in early November, we had a long telephone conversation that night and I have been NC since then. I was very hurt because I had put a lot of effort into this relationship. It's been really hard being NC and I have cheated on that in a way. I do have his email password and I have checked it as a way to feel connected to him. A month after our breakup, he was in a new relationship. This really shocked me to the core. It shattered my illusions that our relationship and love were real. After reading lots of posts here, I convinced myself that he is in a 'rebound relationship' and might just not have been able to adequately deal with our demise. I'm glad I have this info and it reinforced to me that NC was the way to go. I would have been devastated if I would have called him, only to have him tell me he's in love with someone else now. I found out a bit more info through his email this week--- he just booked a 7 day Carribean Cruise for himself and his new girlfriend. This has me questioning my worth. I'm sad that only after a month together, he values her much more than he did me. Just looking for some solidarity
Tryng2Trust08 Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Do not check his email ever again.....if you must I would send him an email stating you have the information so he will change it. You are abusing yourself for checking it, every time you do it and feel awful. It doesnt mattter if he's in a rebound relationship or not, your relationship with him is over. As hard as it is, you just need to move and and stop checking his email account. I was married for 5 years, had 2 children with my husband......and while my son was 7 months, he was off on a cruise with his girlfriend...talk about a slap in the face, but it was the best thing he ever did because Im happier without him
EmperorR Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Sorry for what your going through. However even though of may just be a rebound relationship he is not with you And even though it may be over soon or it may not he will find someone else and then someone else. You have taken good steps to move on just keep nc stay busy, and you will find someone who apreciates you:)
Butterfly01 Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 I agree with Yrying2Trust -- you must stop yourself from going ito his email. First, it is only going to cause you more pain to know about his new relationship -- and second, it is an invasion of his privacy. Going NC is the best thing you can do to help you heal. As for feeling replaceable -- I feel for you, I'm in the same position. My ex was also in a new relationship within a month and is planning a trip down south over March break with his new gf. The was OUR trip -- we planned it last fall. But, what you need to understand is that if he has moved on so quickly he had probably emotionally checked out of your relationship a while back without you realizing it. He has had a chance to come to terms with his feelings long before he broke it off and while you were caught off guard. You are doing the right thing by remaining NC. And remember, you are NEVER replaceable to the RIGHT person.
eDave Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 I would like to add that you NEED to change your screen name. You are not 'no one'. Thinking this way does not help you either. I do know how you feel and can totally respect that. But... Look, the sooner people rebound, the sooner they fail and start realizing their mistake. It will burn out. Let that happen. In the mean time, stay with what you are doing, get your groove back and get to a better place.
gopher Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 I have been a lurker on here for a few months and have found it useful. Today I just needed to vent a bit.... I was in a long-distance relationship for a year, we lived 1,300 miles apart. I would visit him often and even flew once just to accompany him to a doctor's appt. He broke things off with me in early November, we had a long telephone conversation that night and I have been NC since then. I was very hurt because I had put a lot of effort into this relationship. It's been really hard being NC and I have cheated on that in a way. I do have his email password and I have checked it as a way to feel connected to him. A month after our breakup, he was in a new relationship. This really shocked me to the core. It shattered my illusions that our relationship and love were real. After reading lots of posts here, I convinced myself that he is in a 'rebound relationship' and might just not have been able to adequately deal with our demise. I'm glad I have this info and it reinforced to me that NC was the way to go. I would have been devastated if I would have called him, only to have him tell me he's in love with someone else now. I found out a bit more info through his email this week--- he just booked a 7 day Carribean Cruise for himself and his new girlfriend. This has me questioning my worth. I'm sad that only after a month together, he values her much more than he did me. Just looking for some solidarity I'm sure it's hard, but by checking his email, you are constantly going to be on a roller coaster, and I'm sure that it can be addicting, but you have to break that addiction to begin to heal. Also, after all you've been through....are you rethinking a LDR and looking for someone closer to you? someone that you can see on a regular basis when each meeting isn't such a high intensity event.
Author no_one Posted January 26, 2009 Author Posted January 26, 2009 Thank to those who have replied, it is touching to read your responses and know that there are people who are willing to help. Thanks for taking the time. So far, I have no thoughts regarding future relationships. The first step would be certain that I hold no bitterness so that I will be open to love completely again.
sedgwick Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 The first step would be certain that I hold no bitterness so that I will be open to love completely again. The first step would be to find enough self-fulfillment that you would NEVER SPY AGAIN!!!!!! Someone could be as open to love as it's humanly possible to be, but if I thought they were going to spy on me, it wouldn't matter if they were open all night and offered free coffee refills, I'd run screaming.
Author no_one Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 I am really hard on myself about what I am doing. Unfortunately, I was ready to let go when I saw he was in another relationship, but just as quickly he began planning this cruise with her and that was what had kept me. This cruise was something that him and I had talked about doing this year and it broke my heart that I ended up not being deserving of it but she was. I don't actually mind not going on the cruise but I'm crushed that after a few weeks together they have this to look forward to. They will set sail on March 1st, and I will be working hard to better myself and be in a better place so that when that date comes, I will not even notice.
PinkToes Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 I agree with everything e-Dave said. And please try to remember that his behavior really has nothing to do with you, it's all about him. And it certainly doesn't mean that someone else is more deserving. Although, if it's difficult to let go of that thought, maybe you could also remind yourself that she is more deserving of his bad traits, the stuff that annoyed you or drove you crazy on occasion. You definitely don't deserve that, and now it's someone else's problem!
peteyj Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Hey my soon to be ex-wife jumped into a new relationship while we were still married. Don't ever doubt yourself because of some loser. Dont' ever think negative thoughts about yourself. They are the ones who did wrong, not you. Yeah feel sad about what happened, think about what you might do differently, but never doubt yourself because of a bad breakup. You shouldn't give another person that much power. You control how you feel about yourself. Other people can only make you feel sad for what happened and how it happened. Who cares if it's a rebound or whatever. Who cares if they live happily ever after. The truth is they probably won't if that makes you feel better. People who find it easier to cheat and have affairs and lie instead of just breaking it off and moving on aren't exactly the people any of us should want to be in a relationship with. I wouldn't really call them good people. Say they are confused or this or that but in the grand scheme of things, a person has to look in the mirror. You can improve things about yourself and improve how you feel about yourself. People who just lie, cheat, steal, and manipulate really don't change that much over the years because many never think there is anything wrong with them and they refuse to believe they ever did anything wrong. And once again, why do we even want to be in relationships with those kind of people? It's hard to break up but at least it's honest. It's easy to just cheat and make excuses and then have a forced break up and blame it on the other person.
boldjack Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 HI, SOME ONE, I applaud your desire to move on with your life and feel sure that you WILL find somebody new, who will treat you as you deserve. You made a mistake by spying and it cost you pain. Learn from it.
Trialbyfire Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 I am really hard on myself about what I am doing. Unfortunately, I was ready to let go when I saw he was in another relationship, but just as quickly he began planning this cruise with her and that was what had kept me. This cruise was something that him and I had talked about doing this year and it broke my heart that I ended up not being deserving of it but she was. I don't actually mind not going on the cruise but I'm crushed that after a few weeks together they have this to look forward to. They will set sail on March 1st, and I will be working hard to better myself and be in a better place so that when that date comes, I will not even notice. This is interesting, that he would do the exact same thing as what the two of you had planned to do. Smells like a rebound transference to me! How about you change the password on his email and never look back?
andwhoknew Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 How about you change the password on his email and never look back? I love this idea! Vindictive, but so satisfying!! make sure you cut and paste it so even YOU don't know the new password! :laugh: Otherwise you know you will be tempted to check it again!
Author no_one Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 Look, the sooner people rebound, the sooner they fail and start realizing their mistake. It will burn out. Let that happen. In the mean time, stay with what you are doing, get your groove back and get to a better place. Thanks eDave..! It's fun sometimes to think of vindictive ways to get back at someone.. (A good idea up there, haha) What my dream entailed is cancelling their airplane reservations to Florida, just to make the start of their vacation a lot less romantic. BUT- I know it won't do me any good. I will let the universe/God take care of everything.
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