LovieDove24 Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 I have been seeing this guy for over three months now and we had a discussion last night about how we 'deal' in relationships. I told him I have a bad tendency to pull away from love rather than cave in to the vulnerability. He responded by saying he has this same tendency. Now its getting to the point where Im beginning to have really strong feelings for him. Last night while kissing him I realized Im quite possibly in love. But its still the strangest thing because I feel like Im at a tug of war with my emotions. Its such a push-pull feeling. I want to embrace that head over heels feeling but I also wanna keep him at a safe distance. Now the fact that he said he does the same thing has me wondering... In the beginning of relationships, is it normal to not want to GIVE IN to love? Is the fact that we both have these feelings telling that our relationship is doomed?
carhill Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Examine the why. Each of us is individual. Will that connection be there tomorrow? In a month? In a year? Fear is a strong motivator. The answers lie within
spookie Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 I think it's a survival mechanism that's in place in a lot of people for a reason. You don't want to give your heart to someone you don't know can handle it with care. That's not only normal; it's healthy and smart. If you're good for each other, you'll stick together long enough for the trust to build.
Author LovieDove24 Posted January 26, 2009 Author Posted January 26, 2009 Thanks for the responses. I've just heard so many times that if you can't be vulnerable then its not going to work.
alphamale Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 In the beginning of relationships, is it normal to not want to GIVE IN to love? yes Is the fact that we both have these feelings telling that our relationship is doomed? probably
carhill Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 I've just heard so many times that if you can't be vulnerable then its not going to work. You heard right, IMO
Author LovieDove24 Posted January 26, 2009 Author Posted January 26, 2009 Alphamale if you think its normal to feel this way...then how can it also mean we are doomed? You are insinuating that most everyone pulls away from love, so is everybody doomed then? Originally when I asked the question I assumed it'd be one or the other. Either it is normal, or we were doomed. And yes the term 'doomed' is a bit dramatic but I just wanted opinions on the matter.
carhill Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 You're equating "not give in" with "pull away". Very different dynamics. Examine your feelings about that. There is a difference between not acting on a desire to move forward versus a fear of moving forward. That difference is as unique as your psychology. There is no commonality IMO. Essentially, what I sense in your OP is a fear of surrendering power, which is the essence of vulnerability. This goes to my "the person who cares less has more control" theory of relational dynamics. Although "doomed" may be too strong of a word, movements in negative directions without positive balance (communication being a big part of that positive) generally play out to be unhealthy. This can apply to nearly all social interaction, not merely romance. You each told one another about tendencies to pull away from love. Now talk about why. That's how intimacy is formed
Author LovieDove24 Posted January 26, 2009 Author Posted January 26, 2009 Very good point Carhill. I agree the "why" needs to be discussed in further detail for sure. As for the surrendering of control as it relates to vulnerability, you hit the nail on the head. I know myself well enough that I can say I need to feel in control or I feel sick and uncomfortable. Even if I'm not really in control, just the illusion of it is ok with me too . I am in therapy right now and my counselor describes this as "all or nothing" thinking. Its something I am working on but am not sure how to completely eliminate. Its very engrained in my behavior and way of thinking. If you could expand a little bit on what you were saying in regards to the person who cares less has more control I'm very interested. Were you implying that I don't want to "care" more so as to maintain control?? Saying it out loud now this seems to be true. Or maybe we're experiencing some type of power struggle since he's resisting it too? I dunno... My brain only functions at half mast when it comes to relationships!!!
carhill Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 OP, we each have unique psychological setpoints. Intransient perspectives. Parts of our personality which are immutable. The work is recognizing those aspects of ourselves and working on cognitively modifying the resultant behaviors to have (or correctly seek) healthier relationships. None of us is perfect. Your therapist is seeking that ground with the modification of the "all in or all out" theory of your approach to relationships. As far as my theory on power and control in relationships, which is still debatable, essentially, at any given moment in time, where a relationship of any sort between two humans is involved, the person who cares (about the other person and/or the relationship) the least has the control and power at that moment. Think about every business negotiation you've ever been in. Every good friendship. Every familial relationship. Every love interest. If you take a real hard look, you'll see how the theory plays out. The purpose of the theory is not to impel people to "care less", rather the exact opposite, to understand the emotional dynamic on a cognitive level and "care more" about the process of having a healthy relationship. For example, when I tell my wife I feel "unappreciated" as a husband and a man, I'm telling her that, in my perception, she cares less about our marriage in that area (valuation of your partner) than I do, because I recognize a feeling and am valuing her validation of my contribution more than she is expressing her valuation of me in language which I understand and appreciate. It opens a dialogue. It doesn't mean we hate each other and the marriage is doomed. It can mean that, no doubt , but doesn't have to. If that feeling is pervasive, as it was for me for a number of years, IME, it caused my love for her to die, and I now care a lot less for her than I did prior. As my setpoint is to care more, I've had do modify behaviors to accurately reflect the actual relational dynamic, rather than my intrinsic setpoint, which currently would be unhealthy. Too complex for consumption? Yeah, well now you can appreciate what my wife goes through This is why I mentioned lack of commonality prior. There is no "normal". We're all different. I pursue elemental emotional connections with zest and investment. Others eschew them, preferring more topical relations. There is no right or wrong, merely compatibility or the reverse. alphamale said the same thing much more simply, so that's why he's alphamale Good luck!
Author LovieDove24 Posted January 26, 2009 Author Posted January 26, 2009 Carhill, Phew that was a mouthful. You're funny..."Now you can see what my wife goes through :p" You gotta chuckle outta me! I too am like you and crave the deep emotional kinda intimacy...the surface stuff is ok for quick banter but I need the security of feeling that we are on the same level via deep communication. Honestly, your post you put on a different question better helped me understand what you are trying to get at here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t177693/ THAT makes a lotta sense to me.
Author LovieDove24 Posted January 26, 2009 Author Posted January 26, 2009 Actually I stand corrected! I just re-read your post on "Is it better if the guy likes the girl more" and I am more like your wife! I want the emotional intimacy but fear it. Hmm now it has me wondering...you also said "Real intimacy involves a lot of areas of the person's psychology and an "exposing" of themselves. MC taught me that compatibility in this area is exceedingly important to a successful relationship." It seems as though my bf and I are indeed on the same page with this. Both afraid to open up. And to add to something we were discussing earlier in the post...I know I said we needed to discuss the "why" but I could probably already tell you. His dad made the awful decision kick him out at the age of 13. It was a forced ultimatum made by his stepmom. She said "Its either HIM or ME." And well, his dad decided to follow his dick and hasn't talked to his son in over 15 years now. Shameful abandonment--kinda similar to what I went through as a child. As to the why for ME...well I'm sure you've read some of my prior posts discussing my alcoholic parents. I grew up with three rules in my family "Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel." Neither of my parents provided an environment where I could trust or feel. I was shamed for feeling and when I did open up and trust it was one empty promise after another. So yeah, thats that. I like you Carhill, keep on postin!
carhill Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 Another example of compatibility would be two people who fear intimacy and do not want intimacy (by this I mean emotional and spiritual intimacy). This is a perfect example of a "convenient relationship" because it has all the positives of a partnership without the incompatibility stressors. Not entirely indicative of the relational dynamic, but a FWB relationship can be an example of of this. I say this (not entirely indicative) because two people can just want to have sex without any other deeper connection but yet not fear that connection; rather, they currently have other priorities. Take a week, think up a thousand scenarios and write a book In another thread I posted about the slow burn of a mutual unrequited love of mine that's gone on for 25 years. Great example. This person is with, IMO, a perfectly compatible man. They both seem to want intimacy, but fear the elemental connection and vulnerability, albeit for completely different reasons. Their relationship actually works quite well. They've both "pulled away" from that part of the relationship but still enjoy sex and companionship. She and I are incompatible because of this dynamic (want but fear vs want and no fear) so, even with the volume and longevity of our feelings, we'd likely fail as a couple. MC helped me see that as well. They've been together as long as my wife and I have and only recently did he start calling her his girlfriend and this works for them (it would never for me ). That's what I mean. Anyway, wandering wildly off topic so I'll shut up and get back into the attic. Fixing the roof today
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