Tryng2Trust08 Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 After months and months and months of trying with a relationship, it is most definately over for good. I know it's for the best, I ended the relationship a few times and so did he, something wasn't right. He wasn't fulfilling my needs and after letting him know how I felt he still wouldn't. He put me down and made me feel like a idiot or ungrateful for what he did do for me. I just wanted more, affection, attention, etc...So, that being said, I am sad and I miss him fully knowing things would've never worked for many many reasons. Im sure the feeling is normal, I feel like I lost my bestfriend, what should I do now? I feel drained by this relationship. Half the time he wouldnt even admit we were dating.....never held hands with me not one time in 10 months..barely complemented me if ever.. damn, Im stupid for staying in this! He always told me he is right 99% of the time and I should listen to him. I just want his stupid words out of my head and they won't go away!
eDave Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Hello Trying, I know you are looking for validation so here it is. Based on what you have said, you did the right thing. You have to believe that. Perhaps he never fulfilled your needs because you always got back together with him. Don't do that. Mourn the loss because you did spend a lot of time with him and it is a loss. But, again based on your side of things, you are doing the right thing. Be firm and gauge his actions. If your needs are so important to you then you need to let him know you are serious.
You'reasian Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 After months and months and months of trying with a relationship, it is most definately over for good. I know it's for the best, I ended the relationship a few times and so did he, something wasn't right. He wasn't fulfilling my needs and after letting him know how I felt he still wouldn't. He put me down and made me feel like a idiot or ungrateful for what he did do for me. I just wanted more, affection, attention, etc...So, that being said, I am sad and I miss him fully knowing things would've never worked for many many reasons. Im sure the feeling is normal, I feel like I lost my bestfriend, what should I do now? I feel drained by this relationship. Half the time he wouldnt even admit we were dating.....never held hands with me not one time in 10 months..barely complemented me if ever.. damn, Im stupid for staying in this! He always told me he is right 99% of the time and I should listen to him. I just want his stupid words out of my head and they won't go away! You should get with the poster complaining about the guy who is too clingy with her and switch... seriously, I wish you a speedy recovery and good times ahead.
Author Tryng2Trust08 Posted January 25, 2009 Author Posted January 25, 2009 Hello Trying, I know you are looking for validation so here it is. Based on what you have said, you did the right thing. You have to believe that. Perhaps he never fulfilled your needs because you always got back together with him. Don't do that. Mourn the loss because you did spend a lot of time with him and it is a loss. But, again based on your side of things, you are doing the right thing. Be firm and gauge his actions. If your needs are so important to you then you need to let him know you are serious. Thank you.....I know it's the right thing..I just think at times he kept convincing me to keep dating and to keep our friendship. I just couldnt keep a friendship with him, even though dating didnt work out. It was too painful to see a joking text outta nowhere or a phonecall. I have been through an awful divorce after being married for 5 years, so I know I will be ok and I know things get better, I just want to feel like that now & its making me quite anxious.
nature Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 He wasn't fulfilling my needs and after letting him know how I felt he still wouldn't. You know you've done the right thing, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. You had hopes with this person. And those hopes are crushed right now. But I sense you felt he took you for granted? And that is not a nice feeling. It is lonelier being in a relationship with someone who is taking you for granted, than being alone. He put me down and made me feel like a idiot or ungrateful for what he did do for me. I just wanted more, affection, attention, And it probably hurts more now, because he took you for granted. You probably have anger inside you. He wasn't giving you the attention you need and that you felt you deserved. In otherwords, he wasn't willing to put in the effort that a relationship takes. And that hurts like hell. You are let down. Hurt, Angry. It is understandable. Go No Contact with this guy. Absolute no contact. You never know. He may just miss you, realize that he took you for granted, and come back willing to put in the effort. then again, maybe he won't. And if he doesn't, then you know he was never going to. You will heal. I've been thru something similar And it hurts. But no contact is the only way to heal.
Author Tryng2Trust08 Posted January 25, 2009 Author Posted January 25, 2009 He wasn't fulfilling my needs and after letting him know how I felt he still wouldn't. You know you've done the right thing, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. You had hopes with this person. And those hopes are crushed right now. But I sense you felt he took you for granted? And that is not a nice feeling. It is lonelier being in a relationship with someone who is taking you for granted, than being alone. He put me down and made me feel like a idiot or ungrateful for what he did do for me. I just wanted more, affection, attention, And it probably hurts more now, because he took you for granted. You probably have anger inside you. He wasn't giving you the attention you need and that you felt you deserved. In otherwords, he wasn't willing to put in the effort that a relationship takes. And that hurts like hell. You are let down. Hurt, Angry. It is understandable. Go No Contact with this guy. Absolute no contact. You never know. He may just miss you, realize that he took you for granted, and come back willing to put in the effort. then again, maybe he won't. And if he doesn't, then you know he was never going to. You will heal. I've been thru something similar And it hurts. But no contact is the only way to heal. Thank you for your words...this is exactly what happened. I tried telling him this and he would break up with me and call the next day saying what can he do 2 make our relationship work I meant a lot to him. I ended it 2 times and both times he came back asking what he can do. I dont even think he let me finish telling him what I needed and he still didnt do it!!! I didnt ask for a lot..I didnt want gift, just his time and affection and he couldnt give it to me. And what angers me if why he stayd in this relationship with me, kept coming back when he wasnt going to do or give me what I needed or wanted. Im not a selfish person by any means, but I have needs and wants and he refused to fulfill them.
You'reasian Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Thank you for your words...this is exactly what happened. I tried telling him this and he would break up with me and call the next day saying what can he do 2 make our relationship work I meant a lot to him. I ended it 2 times and both times he came back asking what he can do. I dont even think he let me finish telling him what I needed and he still didnt do it!!! I didnt ask for a lot..I didnt want gift, just his time and affection and he couldnt give it to me. And what angers me if why he stayd in this relationship with me, kept coming back when he wasnt going to do or give me what I needed or wanted. Im not a selfish person by any means, but I have needs and wants and he refused to fulfill them. I think no contact will work wonders in helping you recover from this horrible situation - sorry that he could not fulfill your needs and wants to be more affectionate and caring. You will probably find that in your next relationship, in spades. Best of luck!
eDave Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 I just couldnt keep a friendship with him, even though dating didnt work out. I know exactly what you mean. I love my ex. I want her in my life and as my lifelong partner. I just know how that story ends so many times. We tried friendship and it is just not enough for me. It is very hard to be with someone who you want more with, yet know it can't be. Then imagine my 'friend' end up with someone else.... So, in reality, the choice is right there; take the 3 months or so of getting over her or face a possible lifetime of hurt over being so close, yet so far.
merlin2 Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 for what it's worth, I'm going through almost the same thing:ending a relationship as he wouldn't give me what I needed.He promised he would and reneged on that promise time and again. I am going through that same anger, same missing him,same turmoil, but deep down I know it's a grieving process, and if I give in like he expects me to, I'll be back at square one and there'll be no boundaries.Sometimes we have to accept that person doesn't love us enough to compromise. I look at my friends' healthy relationships and know i'm doing the right thing.There's always someone out there who will treat you right, but you'll feel lonely for a while of course. No contact and ride the storm as they say.It will pass and you'll have peace of mind eventually.
nature Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 And what angers me if why he stayd in this relationship with me, kept coming back when he wasnt going to do or give me what I needed or wanted. He kept coming back because you let him. We get treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated. Sometimes there are people who are selfless and treat others good, no matter what that person expects. Other times there are selfish people who will treat someone how they want to, for as long as they can get away with it. Unfortunately, this is your ex. He will treat you how he wants to treat you until you say no more. Feel proud of yourself that you've said no more. Im not a selfish person by any means, but I have needs and wants and he refused to fulfill them. This is why it had to end. You were banging your head against a wall. I've been there. And he kept making promises, then renegging on them. Broken promises. Cheap words. And damn it hurts. Because when I make a promise, I keep it. And the person in my life is always the most important person to me, and I suspect the same in the case with you. Unfortunately, it sounds like your ex is not at a mature enough place mentally and emotionally to follow thru on his words. Dating is almost a game to him at this stage in his life. See what he can get away with. I promise you. No contact is the only way to go at this point. To me, friendship with an ex who treated you bad is ridiculous. One of the biggest components of a relationship is the friendship aspect. After the friendship their is sex and intimacy, but the friendship is a large aspect of the relationship. So if he couldn't treat you and your freindship with respect while in a relationship with you, why would you want a so-called friendship with him after? Do not let him have his cake and eat it too. That is what he wants. Do not give it to him.
Author Tryng2Trust08 Posted January 26, 2009 Author Posted January 26, 2009 Well, I can do NC and I know for a fact that he won't be coming back. We have been arguing for a week and its to the point where he no longer wants to continue a relationship, which I have been trying to tell him for months! So, if he comes back to me after this, Im not even going to respond. I am a pretty selfless person, but in a dating relationship I need some things. He even laughed at me once and said I wasnt getting the response I wanted from him and it was upsetting me. That wasn't funny to me, he said I was acting childish and immature. He knew it was upsetting me and he did try some different things, but at that point I just think it was too late for me. I felt too lonely. All I was asking for at times was a simple call at the end of the day or maybe for him to ask me how I was feeling after a rough day. Im a single mom, going to work and school, it gets hard sometimes. If he was sick or had a bad day I was here for him, anything he needed I would've done, just because I cherished our friendship and I wanted him to know I would do anything to help him being his friend. He called me his bestfriend and said He never opened up to anyone like he did with me and he was the closest with me. I know he did try and kept trying, but I shouldve never felt so lonely at times, that jst isnt right. One point I bursted into tears and Im not one to cry to someone.....He didnt seem to care very much asking me why Im crying...I was having a hard time with trying to juggle my life and he barely showed sympathy. I am really starting to feel better, it feels good to get this off of my chest.
Author Tryng2Trust08 Posted January 26, 2009 Author Posted January 26, 2009 Edave, No friendships do not work out immediatelly after...I tried telling him this is just too painful for me. He made some remarks that Im leaving him in the dust and he never turned his back on me no matter what. Thats what Im really trying to heal from that comment. That made me feeel COMPLETELY awful because Im not that kind of person, but now I am realizing everything was like almost a game 2 him. I couldnt turn my back on my worst enemy if someone needed me. I dont know your whole story, but if she went to another man after being with you, she is just not worth your pain!!!! Let that other guy have her, do not be in competetion wth someone else, u can do soo much better than that.
eDave Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 Thank you. I suppose I can do better. Not sure right now because my self esteem is pretty low at the moment. I am also so messed up and 'hypnotized' in how I had to treat her that I am sure I will just push others away. My story is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t177496/ She initially said she thinks we should see other people but shorty after that she said she needs time to be on her own. I don't know if she is seeing anyone else or not. My crazy, over-analyzing mind wants to think so. I wish I knew for sure. Though my gut tells me it shouldn't matter. You are right. Let someone else have her. I don't know if her actions were just a result of our relationship or are just who she is. People say the past is a prediction of the future. I guess. The thing is, for the last 3 months of our 3yr relationship we have been in a very close, personal and, as far as I know, a monogamous relationship. We talked every day, emailed each other multiple times everyday, shopped together and walked nearly every night. Many 'dates' as well. The only thing missing was intimacy (sex). It was very hard on me. We, like you guys, broke up alot but are, or were, always drawn to each other. She said recently that she didn't see how we would ever NOT be in each others lives. Maybe this is why nothing really changed. We took advantage of the fact that we would always end back up together. Then it ended. Now I want her back and I don't. Which will win out? LOL I am failing miserably with the NC stuff because I feel I need her to no how I feel. She, for some reason, just can't believe how I feel despite everything. I think now she knows. I have the last word, so to speak. It is now up to her. Anyway, sorry to go on about myself. I guess my point is, as with us, the easier it is to get back to someone, the less incentive to really work on what is broken. e
Author Tryng2Trust08 Posted January 26, 2009 Author Posted January 26, 2009 I just think the whole breaking up and going back with someone is very abusive in a relationship. I think if someone tells someone one time, then they should mean it, it shouldnt be said out of anger. He would also say he wasnt going to have sex with me cuz we werent really dating! So, when we did see each other I was sooo uncomfortable whether or not we actually would, and we always did end up being intimate. My ex told me this several times and came back to me apologizing. After the last time, we texed for about a week....I thought it was over, told him goodluck, etc...then a text out of nowhere he said he would call me that night when he got to his hotel(he travels). I had an instant smile, I had very high hopes that he was really going to do anything to be with me and everything that happened between us was petty. He called and said he wanted to know what he could do to make things better that he felt a connection to me. My mind was telling me no, to just move on but my heart gave him another chance I like giving people the benefit of a doubt. I thought we were dating, we even made plans for the weekend when he would be home! He sent me a text when we got into a little dissagreement saying this is exactly why he is single and why we are staying casual friends. I was HEARTBROKEN all over again and thats when I was finished. I cannot do that to myself again, be put through the pain. I hold nothing against him, I told him I wish him much happiness, but I am finally feeling better knowing he is out of my life! If I were in your situation, I would just get out of the relationship if you are still in. I know it's hard..... me and him were together 10 months being off and on I couldnt imagine 3 years! IMO thats just too long....if you have issues, talk to a counselor and get yourself back together. You may want the instant gratification from the relationship with her right now and u want her to come back, but in the long run you are better off without her. I know those are words and the decision is yours to make, but please just think of you and your happiness....you need your self esteem back!
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