Luxie Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 The other night, I was out with a group of friends. This group includes a male friend who knows both me and my fiance (he knows me a bit better, since we met at school, but we hang out often as a group). My fiance is somewhat tense about this male friend and believes the friend has feelings for me, but whether or not that is the case, I don't have feelings back, and I assure Fiance often he has no reason to worry. During the evening, I lost a very expensive and sentimental piece of jewelry I was wearing (given to me by Fiance). I am terrified to tell him because I feel he will 'read too much into it' - ie I was out 'with this other guy' (although other people were there) and I lost his precious gift. What do I do? Tell him the truth or tell him I lost it at the grocery store and try to soften the blow? I realize this may sound like a silly question, but the truth, as innocent as it is, is going to sound so incriminating through his eyes.
signedin2008 Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Does he not know that you were out with him? Don't you have respect for your fiance? If the answer is "yes," why are you out with him without your fiance? Are you sure you're marriage material? You don't seem to have a solid boundary and stop with the attempt to lie. Is that what you want your marriage to be like? Seriously!
Author Luxie Posted January 25, 2009 Author Posted January 25, 2009 Yes, he knew we were out. Just because Fiance is overly nervous about this male friend is not, I believe, a reason for me to stop having him as a friend. That seems as though, if I posted that here, I would get reamed for letting my Fiance control my life. As I said above, there are no feelings on my side with this guy and I have no intention of that ever changing. Have made that abundantly clear to Fiance. What's more, there were a total of five us of there, it was not like it was just the two of us. My issue here is that Fiance is somewhat paranoid. He's going to flip out when he finds out this happened and blame me, and by extension, the fact that I was out and the guy was there. If I would have stayed home, it wouldn't have happened. I lost it on purpose. Etc. I don't know how to tell him in a way that will make it not cause a major rupture.
wuggle Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Buy a replacement that is exactly the same. (Then, as signedin2008 points out, examine why your out with your friend and not your fiance).
carhill Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 IMO, better to be honest. Fiance knows where you were; you tell him you lost jewelry during that time period. Enlist his help in securing a replacement. Was the item insured? Was this "friend" the only male in the group? Does your fiance have issues with other male acquaintances/friends of yours? If yes, work that out in PMC before getting married. IME, honesty is the best policy, for you.
Surfer Dude Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 You mentioned he's paranoid? Such people are best left alone until they shape up and stop behaving in their controlling patterns, manipulating their partners and instigating fear in the relationship. You didn't provide much info, but from what you've written, he'll put you through hell someday. Move on! Next!
ElevenOfSpades Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 I agree, telling the truth is the best way to go. Don't even mention the guy friend, just tell him that you lost it while you were out, and you're devastated because of how precious it was to you. That way you're also emphasizing how special his gift was to you, which should comfort him to know. If he brings up the male friend and becomes paranoid again, it's his issue. You may have to have a heart to heart with him, and decide if you can deal with his paranoia. Also, I disagree (mostly) with those who tell you to re-evaluate why you spend time with your male friend without your fiance. If you truly have no romantic feelings for him, and you aren't feeling any vibes from him, there is no reason for you not to hang out with him without your fiance, especially with other friends around. If you felt his fears had a foundation (ie your friend kept hitting on you) it would be a different story.
quankanne Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 for pete's sake, don't ever explicitly lie in a relationship just to cover your ass. That doesn't mean to blurt all out in a manner you know can hurt the other person, but be calm, informational and to the point. "Honey, I think I lost the blah-blah you gave me when I was out the other night with my friends. We looked everywhere, but I just couldn't find it." 1. he knows you were out with friends 2. you've informed him your jewelry is lost 3. he knows they tried helping you find the item if you left y'alls name & number for a contact if someone turned it in at the place you were, let him know that too, so when an unknown caller asks for you, he's in the loop. you're not lying about the guy friend being there, just not stressing the fact he *was* there, see? now if your guy asks point-blank which friends, be honest and tell him, "Mary, Kim, Bob, Sarah, Jeannie and Nelly." Still, that wouldn't be considered lying, because honestly, it's about a piece of jewelry gone missing, not who was there.
You'reasian Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 The other night, I was out with a group of friends. This group includes a male friend who knows both me and my fiance (he knows me a bit better, since we met at school, but we hang out often as a group). My fiance is somewhat tense about this male friend and believes the friend has feelings for me, but whether or not that is the case, I don't have feelings back, and I assure Fiance often he has no reason to worry. During the evening, I lost a very expensive and sentimental piece of jewelry I was wearing (given to me by Fiance). I am terrified to tell him because I feel he will 'read too much into it' - ie I was out 'with this other guy' (although other people were there) and I lost his precious gift. What do I do? Tell him the truth or tell him I lost it at the grocery store and try to soften the blow? I realize this may sound like a silly question, but the truth, as innocent as it is, is going to sound so incriminating through his eyes. Be honest to your fiance. It might hurt, but if found out later on - the damage could be worse.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 What do I do? Tell him the truth or tell him I lost it at the grocery store and try to soften the blow? I realize this may sound like a silly question, but the truth, as innocent as it is, is going to sound so incriminating through his eyes. Telling the truth (and the whole truth) benefits you in two ways: 1). It's just the right way to treat your SO. You'll face much bigger challenges than this together and you'll need to be able to level with and count on each other. The time to start being honest with other is now. 2). You need to know if he can handle the truth. Sh*t happens in life and you need to know if your partner can deal with it. If he's going to turn on you when things get tough, you'll need to factor that info into your decision making process. Tell him the truth about who, where and what... Mr. Lucky
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 My fiance is somewhat tense about this male friend and believes the friend has feelings for me, but whether or not that is the case, I don't have feelings back, and I assure Fiance often he has no reason to worry. Let me ask, would you be OK for your fiance to go out with afew male friends and have a female friend who "like" him, but he doesn't like her that way, but still go off with her and his other friends, even if it you told him it bothered you after he explained to you not to worry that nothing is going to happen between them? Be honest with him, he IS going to be your husband one day and you need to put his feelings first. Tell him exactly what happened with the jewellery, why lie or omit the fact that male friend was there?
lkjh Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 I say tell him the truth. Also, why do you keep this guy around? You know he likes you and this bothers your fiance. Be honest about this, would you be ok if the roles were reversed?
boldjack Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 It's obvious that you have feelings for this other dude, or else why would you insist on being with him and antagonizing your fiance? By all means tell the fiance the WHOLE truth, then maybe you should take some time and think about if you're really ready for marriage
lkjh Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 It's obvious that you have feelings for this other dude, or else why would you insist on being with him and antagonizing your fiance? By all means tell the fiance the WHOLE truth, then maybe you should take some time and think about if you're really ready for marriage Agreed, why in the world would you keep a guy around that likes you. Its not like he is a real friend. He wants you physically.
carhill Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 why in the world would you keep a guy around that likes you? IME, women (and men) do this for an ego feed, either situational (during "problems") or long-term (due to psychological issues). It's a form of validation, albeit unhealthy, IMO. Generally, the person being used for the feed isn't respected or valued, but that isn't always the case. IMO, the OP's title explains her psychology well...."scared to tell the truth"
Squirtal Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 Hi guys..I'm a newbie so hi. Just wanted to add to this that it was pointed out by the OP that she was out with a group of friends, that 'included' the guy who may or may not like her. Does she stop hanging with all her friends on group outings just because he is there..she has already expressed that she is not interested in him.... Cut her a little bit of slack..she wasn't one on one with him, and her man knows she was out.. OP just tell your guy you lost it..I'm sure he'll be understanding as you seem so upset about its loss. Good luck.
greengoddess Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 If you are not comfortable being honest with your fiance then you should not be getting married.
whichwayisup Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 Does she stop hanging with all her friends on group outings just because he is there..she has already expressed that she is not interested in him.... It depends on who invited him. Was it a girls night out and this guy tagged along being the only guy? Or were there other guys with them? How she lost the jewellery is important too, was she dancing with this guy?
lkjh Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 Hi guys..I'm a newbie so hi. Just wanted to add to this that it was pointed out by the OP that she was out with a group of friends, that 'included' the guy who may or may not like her. Does she stop hanging with all her friends on group outings just because he is there..she has already expressed that she is not interested in him.... Cut her a little bit of slack..she wasn't one on one with him, and her man knows she was out.. OP just tell your guy you lost it..I'm sure he'll be understanding as you seem so upset about its loss. Good luck. Marriage is a very serious thing. If she keeps hanging out with a guy that she knows likes her and this makes her fiance uncomfortable then she may want to sit back and think what marriage is really about. Also she knows he likes her. She says she is not sure but come on.
Squirtal Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 I would totally agree if she was hanging out one on one, or if she was inviting him out with her friends..(You're not are you?)..but if he is part of a group surely you wouldn't expect her to dump all of them? I agree marriage is very serious..but you still need your own identity. My brother dropped all his friends when he married..and now is stuck since she walked out on him for another guy..he dumped them because they hung out in a group with an ex and although he wasn't interested at all she felt insecure so his whole life revolved round her and only her. Its not healthy and there should be more trust..maybe the issue is actual trust..not who she is hanging in the group she is also in? I agree she should distance herself from things that could cause her R problems..and we all should, but in these scenarios its a bit hard..where does it end..if someone has a crush on her at work..should she quit? Not trying to be awkward but just throwing in another equation.
lkjh Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Ya but just because your brother had this happen does not mean all marriages should be generalized into this. In reality it is really disrespectful to hang out with someone of the opposite sex that likes when you are in a relationship. Nobody told her to get rid of all of her friends, just the guys that want to f*** her. That sounds reasonable when you plan on marrying someone, doesn't it?
quankanne Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 I think squirt's got a good point: Even though OP has assured her guy that the male friend is only and *will* only ever be a friend, she needs to ensure that she doesn't give up a general group of friends who hang around just because her guy is jealous/uncomfortable. Because the fact of the matter is, he is going to have to learn to trust her at some point, and this generic friend is a good starting point. now if male friend does anything obvious like make a move on her, then yeah, that's enough to end the friendship, but if it's on the up and up between the both of them, that's a whole other story. A person shouldn't be forced into giving up opposite sex friendships just because someone tells them they should. an aside to squirtal – OUCH! That red spot under your tat looks a bit painful!
manugeorge Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Ya but just because your brother had this happen does not mean all marriages should be generalized into this. In reality it is really disrespectful to hang out with someone of the opposite sex that likes when you are in a relationship. Nobody told her to get rid of all of her friends, just the guys that want to f*** her. That sounds reasonable when you plan on marrying someone, doesn't it? She's NOT hanging out with the guy one on one, she's hanging out with a group of friends and one of them who happens to like her is among these friends. I honestly don't see the threat at all. The only factor that may come in to play is disrespect and that can ONLY happen if said guy is making blatant moves on her. If both of them are just minding their own business and socializing as normal then I don't see the problem. This is a harmless case and if the fiancee makes a big deal of it..Hanging out I mean, not losing the necklace.., then they both need to figure out the trust issues between them. The only reason anyone makes a stink about issues like this is when they simply don't trust their mate to be faithful.
Squirtal Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Thanks guys..was concerned I wasn't getting my point across properly. Wonder what happened with OP?? **Quankanne..yeah had literally just been done..was ouch..but not now.
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