Justmike101 Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 (This is an insight I've gained as a 6 month veteran of heartbreak. I am over my ex and almost completely healed. I say almost because I leave myself open for surprises. But I am definitely stronger and more independent than ever) Let me tell u something that could flip your perspective on your current break-up. Im sure you can relate to this. I had those strong moments when I feel like I am over her and can function normal again. Then I have those weak moments where sudden thoughts of my ex captivate every emotion and action. I become paralyzed in pain. But I realize now that some weak moments are there because I think about the good times I've had with her and the reality of not being together becomes more prominent than the insights and closures I've formed in the past. We tend to "forget" the lessons and feelings momentarily from time to time. When I would drive back from work it's night and it's also around the time i would have been hanging out with my ex cuddling, making love or eating late or whatever. I'd also listen to music as I drive and every lyric reminds me of those good times and those intimate moments. Then i realized - it's over. What good does it do for me to keep thinking these thoughts? What good is a plan without a goal? I am essentially aiming for a target that isn't there. But when i think about the possibility of not entertaining these thoughts anymore I have feelings of fear and insecurity consume me. The thought of being emotionally and psychologically detached from something I held so dear to made me cringe in fear. When I thought about "letting these thoughts go," I'd be scared that I might forget why I am staying NC and why I should stay away from her. Also, a bit of me does not want to forget because secretly I still badly wanted her back. But let me tell you. You get to a certain point when you begin to believe in yourself and become stronger in will as time progresses in NC. It really does takes time. There isn't a short cut. There's are shortcuts in life because we live in a set of principles and system. Within our hearts, there are no rules or boundaries, just us. Remember that, the conflict within has no shortcuts for answers. Tonight, on my way back from work, I had the same feelings and thoughts occurring. This time I decided to let go and stop thinking about it. I essentially "gave it up." I said goodbye to good times. I consciously decided not to entertain the sad and happy thoughts together anymore and leave it as what it really is - dead. It was scary because what if she came back and i forget and i get hurt again. Or what if i truly let her go and i am not ok? Then i realized its been already over and its a really illogical and deviant thought that is keeping me prison. So I let go. It was scary for the first 20 mins or so as I stepped out of the prison and into a dark ground not knowing whether something was there to support my footing.Then after tiptoeing a littlebit, I was ok. I was really ok without her. I was ok completely detached from her. I didn't die. When I got home, I called one of my closest girlfriends and she validated my point. Lets call my ex what she really was. She was a real bxxxx. I was very good to her and i was genuinely caring towards to her. I looked after her needs and wants. i loved her very much and tried my best to change myself for her. she knows this because she acknowledged it herself. But the way she treated me in the end - not hearing any rebuttal to her dumping me over text, not picking up my calls at all, giving me a silent treatment without a closure... the way she had absolutely no concern for my well-being and her wreckless abandonment - is not something i deserved nor is it a normal for anyone. She said she loved me and wanted to marry me. But if you really loved somebody that much, you cannot just break up and pick yourself another man to be with after 2 months. Sometimes, for us to move on, we must acknowledge what really happened and throw away the victim mentality. Sometimes we must really honestly assess our actions and correct our mistakes. But at the same time, we must see them for who they really are and judge their character and actions. You really know how your bf/gf really are when they don't need you anymore. Now I know. She is a type that needs a boyfriend at all times. She validates her self through intimate relationships. Because this has become a need for her, it is also her method of survival during painful breakups. She is a coward. For fast recovery, she made our relationship a disposable one. Now I know, even if she came back, (she wont 100%), but even if she does, we cannot be together. Our relationship will fail again. It's not about the degree of how much somebody likes you, but it's about trust and commitment. Are you willing to compromise some of your values for your lover? Also, is your lover willing to do the same for you? Without these two coinciding, there can be no lasting companionship. My ex and I, we valued different things. this is why we ultimately broke up. but I had to face my fears of letting her go and jump into the unknown. and guess what? im back at where i was - the same cool guy that I was before I met her. and even after her, I am still ok because I know she didn't deserve me. and I know we weren't meant to be. i am still passionately wanting to love a good girl but next time i am going to engage in it with much more experience and knowledge. Sometimes, we really have to judge people. This doesn't make you bad. But in judging others, we have to also forgive. Let it be known clear to ourselves that people that were supposed to love us hurt us in the most despicable manner. Sometimes it's their fault and sometimes it's ours. However, let us judge them for who they are, but keep in mind that they can change too. At this point in our healing though, close the chapter of your life with that person with the final note of who they really were. Do not look back on it. If they ever visit us in the future as a changed person, write a new history in a new chapter, but do not erase the old chapter. That is who they were and what they did. Forgive, but do not forget. Let yourself know they can do it again. Mistakes are fixable and correctable, but character lasts a long time. I picked myself up again after 6 months of break up and heartache. during those times, I have failed miserably and let her bad treatment of me turn me into a victim. No excuses, it is my problem and I have to deal with it. But I did learn a lot and now I am taking on new endeavors in life with much more confidence and relaxation. At some point in our NC when we muster up enough courage, we MUST CUT THE EX OFF within our hearts and minds. It's a scary thought but trust me it's only a thought. Thanks for listening.
openbook08 Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Excellent post! Even moreso because i can completely relate to you. I essentially decided also to just 'give it up' new years eve. I wouldn't say i'm completely healed and i too still have weak moments but i'm not dead. Its a great feelin gettin back to that cool person u were before except now a much better version. I'm much more relaxed now in my attitude to love, the worse has already happened. And i'm still here! Really enjoyed your post! And good for you!
GloryDays Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Awesome post!! I agree 100%. Thank you for this, I needed it and truly am going to do what your doing.
moveon Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Good post !! I wish I can be as strong as you..... it has been 3 months of nc for me, but I still think of him everyday....the feeling of missing him still haunt me everyday.....
Author Justmike101 Posted January 25, 2009 Author Posted January 25, 2009 Good post !! I wish I can be as strong as you..... it has been 3 months of nc for me, but I still think of him everyday....the feeling of missing him still haunt me everyday..... I was begging and pleading for 5 months. Been NC nearly 30 days. She isn't worth it. You can grow out of it too. Believe that you are attractive and lovable.
durotto Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Its so much easier if you don't have to see them every single day at office with her new bf . In any case, I too am over her .. and you know what I look back upon our time together as just memories and nothing else .. I have no regrets for them and I cherish our memories together but I do not let those memories overpower me .. I no longer see the person I fell in love with in her .. I just see a person who has changed so much that I no longer know her .. I just stare at her and see nothing of the person I knew and loved for four years .. I am making new memories in my life and so should everyone else .. BTW .. good luck ..
IcemanJB Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Great post. I sort of made a "let go" decision yesterday as well. I'm over 2 months NC with her, and I'd say I'm 75% healed. I will no doubt think about her every day for a long time, but I'm not overtaken by pain anymore. The bit about stepping into the darkness is a great illustration. It truly takes some testicular fortitude to just do that. I'm so glad I did it, and I know you are glad you did it too. I'm back to my old self - but a better version now. I've got my confidence and humor back, as my roommates have pointed out to me. I feel as if I could take on the world myself; but if that next girl wants to join me, by all means. Just letting go of the fear and insecurities is sooo liberating.
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