Virgo1982 Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 At this point would it really help anything really.. or just give you more questions... i don't trust the OW anyway..who knows what they will say to make us feel worse. I think emotion fuels the desire to call-not logic. I went out with one date with this guy. We had been talking on the phone for about a week before we decided to go out to dinner. I wasn't impressed as he was really cocky so I didn't see true potential. A few days after our dinner date, I get a call from his fiance (I did not know she existed at all.) The fact that I only went on one date with this guy and she called so soon let me know that he must cheat on her quite often. So, when she called me, and began to ask me questions, I felt pity for her. I told her that if she could not speak with him and feel comfortable with the answers, that maybe she should re-evaluate her relationship. She seemed frustrated and asked me why I was protecting him. I'm thinking, "protecting him from what?" He had obviously done this several times before and she was his fiance. I didn't lie to her, but I told her what she needed to hear. She didn't need to hear how he never acknowledged her existence and presented himself as single. She didn't need to know he was a cocky, arrogant, lying-to-make-himself-look-better-than-what-he-is-prick, because she wanted to marry him and knows him inside out. I'm pretty sure other women she called gave her different versions with a good bit of consistency. Why call? Emotion. She might say she called to stop the woman from contacting her H, but in this case, he was a serial cheater. My phone call was not the first and won't be her last. A woman does not make a phone call if she doesn't plan on staying with a guy. Otherwise she would just leave without knowing the details. I had a friend who said she wanted to know because what she found out could prompt her to leave, but she never did and wound up hurting herself more. She only wants this information to satisfy her curiosity and it will probably resurface in heated arguments. Men hate that. What he did was wrong, but he hates it nonetheless. This would cause more problems in the relationship. With the OP's situation, it is different because she is already married to him and this is his first/only offense. I understand she wants to know. But most of us believe it's a bad idea logically regardless of what kind of person the OW is.
mc1 Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 I don't think I could handle a conversation with the OW... I might be able to write, but have no desire to and no desire to talk to her either. My husband has shown me their conversations and I feel like he has been completely honest with me. I don't care about the why from her, I got his side and that's all I need to worry about to make sure it doesn't happen and we can move on.
Author Spark1111 Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 Yes, that is the main issue, isn't it? Do I want to stay with someone who cannot be completely truthful with me, who, like Stamp Daddy says, gives a watered down version, minimizes, lies through omission? I feel actually sorry for the OW. I believe she did think she was "the one." I'm sure on the day he talked for 45 minutes to her about how he wanted to come back home (I had thrown him out to deal with his confusion on what and whom he wanted) she must have been scratching her head after a passionate two-year affair. The need to hear it from the horse's mouth is in an effort to not only restore trust, but to feel safe in the future together.
Virgo1982 Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 Yes, that is the main issue, isn't it? Do I want to stay with someone who cannot be completely truthful with me, who, like Stamp Daddy says, gives a watered down version, minimizes, lies through omission? I feel actually sorry for the OW. I believe she did think she was "the one." I'm sure on the day he talked for 45 minutes to her about how he wanted to come back home (I had thrown him out to deal with his confusion on what and whom he wanted) she must have been scratching her head after a passionate two-year affair. The need to hear it from the horse's mouth is in an effort to not only restore trust, but to feel safe in the future together. Yes, and if she scratched her head you must have been pulling your hair out when you found out about it. You really showed them in the end though. Good for you. Happy endings are what I live for!
NoIDidn't Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 But most of us believe it's a bad idea logically regardless of what kind of person the OW is. Yep. I agree. I think its a bad idea because the things she says may not be helpful and will come from the perspective of her feeling like she was the only one for him. That would hurt the BW in so many ways that many are just not prepared for. I called the OW. I needed some information that was strictly factual. In fact, it only required a "yes" or "no" answer. He lied to me about contact. She wanted to get into details "I don't know your side of the marriage" she said. I chuckled and said "and you won't". I told her what I wanted to know. She hemmed and hawed. In fact, she said "I don't want to contradict what he's been telling you". I told her "you just did with that statement". Then she finally gave me my answer "Yes". I thanked her and terminated the call. But it still hurt. To hear that he was painting a picture of what our marriage was like, so much so that she didn't know "my side" was offensive. One, because it was none of her business. Two, because he made himself out to be my victim or something else crazy. If writing conveys feeling, this is the part that angered me the most. It upsets me still. My side. Hmmph. LOL. Anyway, my point being, do you really want to endure something similar? I feel that if I was considering terminating my marriage, nothing she said would have made a difference. Same if I wanted to fight for it. If a person is looking to hear something to give them the go ahead for a divorce, they just want a divorce IMHO.
boldjack Posted February 4, 2009 Posted February 4, 2009 this is the main reason I quit being a cheater. I have never knowingly had an affair with a married woman, who had children, until the last one. Her husband called me wanting the details, crying. I told him to ask his wife and never lied to anyone again (not even little white ones). I think that by confronting the OW, far more harm than good will come. You will catch your H in more lies, one way or another. After a year, that knowledge will cause further embitterment. Just remember to keep your eyes open in the future. Good luck
Author Spark1111 Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 this is the main reason I quit being a cheater. I have never knowingly had an affair with a married woman, who had children, until the last one. Her husband called me wanting the details, crying. I told him to ask his wife and never lied to anyone again (not even little white ones). I think that by confronting the OW, far more harm than good will come. You will catch your H in more lies, one way or another. After a year, that knowledge will cause further embitterment. Just remember to keep your eyes open in the future. Good luck I guess that is part of the point, boldjack. I don't want to be embittered in my future with him, or without him. That's why the truth can be so empowering for me, whether it be his truth, or her truth, or mine. Somewhere in there, I think, I will be able to deduce the truth, and still believe it will set me free of the pain.
boldjack Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 then if you're strong enough to handle it, go ahead. good luck
LakesideDream Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Yes, that is the main issue, isn't it? Do I want to stay with someone who cannot be completely truthful with me, who, like Stamp Daddy says, gives a watered down version, minimizes, lies through omission? I feel actually sorry for the OW. I believe she did think she was "the one." I'm sure on the day he talked for 45 minutes to her about how he wanted to come back home (I had thrown him out to deal with his confusion on what and whom he wanted) she must have been scratching her head after a passionate two-year affair. The need to hear it from the horse's mouth is in an effort to not only restore trust, but to feel safe in the future together. One sentence in the above shocked me and made me think. Not that I hadn't read the same thing before, I have. Obviously this was the time it sunk in: I had thrown him out to deal with his confusion on what and whom he wanted Why in this wide world would you do this Sparks? Why would you give a man who had hurt you, cheated and betrayed the ability to choose what HE wanted? You say it's not the first time... Will there ever be a "last" time if he is making the decisions? In my old and addled brain I have come to the conclusion if one person in a relationship cheats that person gives up the right to make choices. If I were ever cheated on again, I'd just end it right there. Poof. No amount of love is worth that amount of emotional pain.
Author Spark1111 Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 One sentence in the above shocked me and made me think. Not that I hadn't read the same thing before, I have. Obviously this was the time it sunk in: I had thrown him out to deal with his confusion on what and whom he wanted Why in this wide world would you do this Sparks? Why would you give a man who had hurt you, cheated and betrayed the ability to choose what HE wanted? You say it's not the first time... Will there ever be a "last" time if he is making the decisions? In my old and addled brain I have come to the conclusion if one person in a relationship cheats that person gives up the right to make choices. If I were ever cheated on again, I'd just end it right there. Poof. No amount of love is worth that amount of emotional pain. Lakeside, I discovered one long-term, emotional affair where undying words of love and plans for a future together were expressed via phone texts I accidently stumbled upon while on family vacation! It shattered my world and I threw him out because I thought he was getting ready to position himself to leave me for her. Hell, if I had texted those words to a significant other, I would have (or SHOULD HAVE) had a foot out the door. Pride, I guess? I wanted to end the charade, maybe? And here is where I think I am one of the lucky ones: self-confident, too! I would NEVER want to be with someone who did not WANT, Love and Respect ME. No one was more surprised than I to find him crying at my front door to come back which was something I resisted for two whole months when MANY, MANY conditions were put in place.for his return.
Author Spark1111 Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 Yep. I agree. I think its a bad idea because the things she says may not be helpful and will come from the perspective of her feeling like she was the only one for him. That would hurt the BW in so many ways that many are just not prepared for. I called the OW. I needed some information that was strictly factual. In fact, it only required a "yes" or "no" answer. He lied to me about contact. She wanted to get into details "I don't know your side of the marriage" she said. I chuckled and said "and you won't". I told her what I wanted to know. She hemmed and hawed. In fact, she said "I don't want to contradict what he's been telling you". I told her "you just did with that statement". Then she finally gave me my answer "Yes". I thanked her and terminated the call. But it still hurt. To hear that he was painting a picture of what our marriage was like, so much so that she didn't know "my side" was offensive. One, because it was none of her business. Two, because he made himself out to be my victim or something else crazy. If writing conveys feeling, this is the part that angered me the most. It upsets me still. My side. Hmmph. LOL. Anyway, my point being, do you really want to endure something similar? I feel that if I was considering terminating my marriage, nothing she said would have made a difference. Same if I wanted to fight for it. If a person is looking to hear something to give them the go ahead for a divorce, they just want a divorce IMHO. NID, most lie about their marriage (Please read "Dear OW" post), or at least mine did. Was he unhappy at that time? Absolutely! Was his perception based in the reality of what our relationship truly was? No, of course not. I am in IT and MC to discover if I could ever trust him again. He is there to figure out how he SOOOO lost his way and created this negative world at home to justify going to be with her.Based on everything I've read, many of the issues lie within the character of the cheater. I still remain curious as to her motivations. Is that helpful? No, probably not. Do I care? Maybe not as much as I should, and what that means for reconciliation, I remain unsure of.
Owl Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Spark, I thought your letter was very interesting...and it reminded me strongly of the email I'd sent to OM in my situation, when he contacted my wife after a month long NC. I happened to stumble across it the other day while going through my computer. I was in a similar situation as yourself...my wife had an emotional affair with another man, and I got the "proof" by logging their chat sessions. And interestingly, the email I sent to OM was similar...I understood his side in things somewhat, and knew he was hurting as a result of all of this too. In my case, I did send it to him, as I'd just discovered resumed contact between the two of them, and I wanted him to here my side of things and wanted contact to end. Surprisingly, it did end their contact shortly thereafter.
NoIDidn't Posted February 6, 2009 Posted February 6, 2009 NID, most lie about their marriage (Please read "Dear OW" post), or at least mine did. Was he unhappy at that time? Absolutely! Was his perception based in the reality of what our relationship truly was? No, of course not. I am in IT and MC to discover if I could ever trust him again. He is there to figure out how he SOOOO lost his way and created this negative world at home to justify going to be with her.Based on everything I've read, many of the issues lie within the character of the cheater. I still remain curious as to her motivations. Is that helpful? No, probably not. Do I care? Maybe not as much as I should, and what that means for reconciliation, I remain unsure of. Spark I have been where you are. Its a very confusing place. The only thing I can recommend is focusing selfishly on yourself to a degree right now. Be honest about your feelings to yourself in therapy, MC, and alone with your H. You are right about them lying about the state of their marriage. Maybe "lying" isn't the best descriptor, maybe "exaggerating" is? The state of my marriage was pretty bad. I was lonely. But it was because of his withdrawal emotionally even before he got into the EA. I am three years out. We have been doing pretty good since the first 6 months after d-day. The feelings you are having right now are very normal. They (the feelings) will cycle so quickly sometimes, and that's why is not recommended that any major decisions be made right now. Even though we are doing well, I accept that I will likely take the whole five years estimated before I feel totally recovered. Not because of lingering mistrust of him, but because Acceptance takes awhile to truly take hold. I have to accept that that is where he was for a time. That, that's where our marriage was at the time. It takes time, introspection, and cooperation. Work. Thinking of you ((Spark))
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