Spark1111 Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 My husband of 27 years had a one and a half year affair with a co-worker. She was divorced with a child. When I discovered the affair via a text on his phone, I was beyond devastated. The pain of those initial weeks following D-Day was like nothing i have ever experienced. We are putting our marriage back brick by brick, but it has been soooooo difficult. I believe he is truly remorseful and seems a changed man, but I still wonder about the OW and her motives. We (she and I) are both educated, intelligent professionals, yet I, and my circle of female friends wouldn't touch a married man with a ten foot pole! The pain to my family has been enormous. The irony of it all? her exH cheated on her many times and married his last affair partner. My IT says it is not uncommon to subconciously engage in an affair with a married person to reclaim some personal power by exacting revenge. She (and he!) succeeded in hurting me the way she had been hurt. I long for the day we can sit and maturely discuss the black period of my life. Am I being totally unrealistic? Should I just forget about contacting her? Why, after one-year after D=Day, am I finding myself thinking More, not Less about the OW? Any thoughts out there? Help?
Amybeth Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Hi Spark, I am 10 months after finding out about my husband... I definitely needed some understanding of this whole thing and closure. I guess I got some of that when the OW sent me a VERY LONG email as she wanted me to know "everything". Well I learned more than my husband was willing to tell me at first (he has since admitted to it all). It brought on ALOT more pain and alot more discussions with my husband. I also learned that the email and this woman was full of her own perceptions of the "reality" of their love (not true my husband left her behind - she was just fulfilling a sexual need - but he told her lots of things to continue to get in her pants). If you are 1 year later - I do not recommend going back to dig it all up - you and your husband will be back to the beginning with the new information you get. There may not be alot of new info - but to chance it ? Is your husband "making it up to you"? Is he / you really working on your marriage and why things happened? I highly recommend a workshop for couples called IMAGO - it is national - google it and you might get ALOT out of it - so much better than marriage counseling for us. Best of luck in your recovery process.
hopereys Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 My husband of 27 years had a one and a half year affair with a co-worker. She was divorced with a child. When I discovered the affair via a text on his phone, I was beyond devastated. The pain of those initial weeks following D-Day was like nothing i have ever experienced. We are putting our marriage back brick by brick, but it has been soooooo difficult. I believe he is truly remorseful and seems a changed man, but I still wonder about the OW and her motives. We (she and I) are both educated, intelligent professionals, yet I, and my circle of female friends wouldn't touch a married man with a ten foot pole! The pain to my family has been enormous. The irony of it all? her exH cheated on her many times and married his last affair partner. My IT says it is not uncommon to subconciously engage in an affair with a married person to reclaim some personal power by exacting revenge. She (and he!) succeeded in hurting me the way she had been hurt. I long for the day we can sit and maturely discuss the black period of my life. Am I being totally unrealistic? Should I just forget about contacting her? Why, after one-year after D=Day, am I finding myself thinking More, not Less about the OW? Any thoughts out there? Help? If you and your husband are doing ok and you don't feel as if your dying inside I don't recommend it. I have been married for 14 years together 17 and found out three months ago that my husband had been having an affair for the past four years with a co-worker. I have spoken with her and the pain of the things he told her are almost too much to handle. He swears he felt stuck and that she threatened to tell me about them when he tried to break things off. However, she has told me ho wmuch he told her he loved etc. Of course he says he didn't mean it and he loves me and wants things to work. After talking with the OW it has hurt me over again and has showed me what a selfish liar my husband is. Again I don't recommend it. Good Luck.
2sure Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I for one cannot imagine NOT talking to the other woman. We all understand that the betrayal was caused/done by no one but the spouse. But when OW engages in a relationship with MM, she becomes a part of a marriage. Whether intentionally or accidentally, by being intimately involved with one marriage partner she has become a factor to the marriage and to TWO other peoples lives ( plus kids!). Thats a fact. Although the BS may be unaware of OW it affects her all the more because OW and the A is then an unknown factor of the wife's life - the wife is living, raising a family, trying to slove the problems every marriage encounters - or possibly taking her marriage for granted - but making all of these LIFE decisions without knowing the facts. By having the A, the WS has invited OW into the Marriage. Obviously, you have every right to speak to her. And if you can do it in a thoughtful and mature manner - thats great. I would think that one year would be about the length of time required to be able to do that. Before that, it is difficult to not be totally defensive. She has already welcomed herself to your life, her door should be as open as she thought yours was.
OWoman Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 She has already welcomed herself to your life, her door should be as open as she thought yours was. that may make sense on paper, but... will the OW see it that way? Spark has been through a process and developed a hypothesis about the OW and her motivation; the OW may not be in the same space. She may feel threatened by the advance; she may feel hostile; she may feel guilty and want to use the opportunity for HER healing rather than allow Spark the space to use it in the way she wanted. It's all unknowable. Spark may feel in an OK enough space to take the risk, and may feel that the opportunity lost would be more damaging than the worst case scenario risk, but it is worth spending time thinking about the many ways in which it could go wrong before deciding if the risk is worthwhile or not.
GrnEyedGemini Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I for one cannot imagine NOT talking to the other woman. We all understand that the betrayal was caused/done by no one but the spouse. But when OW engages in a relationship with MM, she becomes a part of a marriage. Whether intentionally or accidentally, by being intimately involved with one marriage partner she has become a factor to the marriage and to TWO other peoples lives ( plus kids!). Thats a fact. Although the BS may be unaware of OW it affects her all the more because OW and the A is then an unknown factor of the wife's life - the wife is living, raising a family, trying to slove the problems every marriage encounters - or possibly taking her marriage for granted - but making all of these LIFE decisions without knowing the facts. By having the A, the WS has invited OW into the Marriage. Obviously, you have every right to speak to her. And if you can do it in a thoughtful and mature manner - thats great. I would think that one year would be about the length of time required to be able to do that. Before that, it is difficult to not be totally defensive. She has already welcomed herself to your life, her door should be as open as she thought yours was. I completely agree with this! Especially the last part. Who cares how she feels when you come back asking questions? I doubt she considered how you felt when she was screwing your husband! Just make sure you can completely control your emotions. You control your emotions, you control that situation.
D-Lish Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I am not sure why, but I rarely included the OW in my thoughts about my H's affair. I blamed HIM from day one- and she rarely factored into my anger or subsequent healing. He had a few encounters with her when he was working in her city... she got pregnant and I didn't find out until she called me to say she was 6 months pregnant and thought I should know. From that point onward, my focus and blame centered around him. I left him and he went on to marry her and have 3 children in total. He just contacted me on facebook yesterday to say his third had just arrived. (we are on civil and even friendly terms now). I guess I have never had the desire to know anything about her. My situation is different because our marriage ended when I found out about the affair- we had no children together so it made it easier for me to walk away. I did run into the two of them 2 x-mas's ago at a mall. They had their toddler, she was 8 months pregnant with their second... and I walked right into them. It was a bit weird- but I shook her hand and made small talk with her and crouched down to talk to his toddler. How is that for weird??? Meeting her didn't change anything for me- it didn't enlighten me in any way. I'm not sure that you would get any satisfaction out of a conversation with her. I think it might compound your pain. It really might help to simply view her as a separate entity. I don't think you'll get answers from her that would change anything. If you have unresolved issues- take them up with your husband. I think you'd be better off keeping her separate and unimportant. She's obsolete- but your husband is not. As I said- I never put any blame on my ex's mistress. As far as I was concerned- HE had betrayed me. She was a willing participant, but my exH was the one that made the choice to ruin what we had. He could have chosen not to participate, but he did. He owed me monogamy- she did not owe me anything. I think it's best to keep focusing on your marriage and your husband. Your trust issues and feelings of betrayal are between you and him now. I wouldn't invite her to participate in your healing process. I think you'd feel worse, not better if he chatted with her. Knowing the details from her perspective might set you back. Talking with her is tantamount to having her participate in your healing process. Don't make her part of the process. I don't think it will bring you closure to dig up the dirty details.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 I'm not sure I would want to talk to my MM's wife. It's something she needs to work out with him. If she found out I would be out of the picture.
Lizzie60 Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Talking to the OW could be a dangerous slope. You can end up being more hurt than you are right now... plus... she may NOT want to speak to you.
porter218 Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 I am not sure why, but I rarely included the OW in my thoughts about my H's affair. I blamed HIM from day one- and she rarely factored into my anger or subsequent healing. He had a few encounters with her when he was working in her city... she got pregnant and I didn't find out until she called me to say she was 6 months pregnant and thought I should know. From that point onward, my focus and blame centered around him. I left him and he went on to marry her and have 3 children in total. He just contacted me on facebook yesterday to say his third had just arrived. (we are on civil and even friendly terms now). I guess I have never had the desire to know anything about her. My situation is different because our marriage ended when I found out about the affair- we had no children together so it made it easier for me to walk away. I did run into the two of them 2 x-mas's ago at a mall. They had their toddler, she was 8 months pregnant with their second... and I walked right into them. It was a bit weird- but I shook her hand and made small talk with her and crouched down to talk to his toddler. How is that for weird??? Meeting her didn't change anything for me- it didn't enlighten me in any way. I'm not sure that you would get any satisfaction out of a conversation with her. I think it might compound your pain. It really might help to simply view her as a separate entity. I don't think you'll get answers from her that would change anything. If you have unresolved issues- take them up with your husband. I think you'd be better off keeping her separate and unimportant. She's obsolete- but your husband is not. As I said- I never put any blame on my ex's mistress. As far as I was concerned- HE had betrayed me. She was a willing participant, but my exH was the one that made the choice to ruin what we had. He could have chosen not to participate, but he did. He owed me monogamy- she did not owe me anything. I think it's best to keep focusing on your marriage and your husband. Your trust issues and feelings of betrayal are between you and him now. I wouldn't invite her to participate in your healing process. I think you'd feel worse, not better if he chatted with her. Knowing the details from her perspective might set you back. Talking with her is tantamount to having her participate in your healing process. Don't make her part of the process. I don't think it will bring you closure to dig up the dirty details. You feel this way because you let go of your H as well. Only when you walk completely away from the situation can you let go of the OW too.
Lucky7880 Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 I felt exactly the same 10 years ago when I found my H had been "seeing" his secretary. She agreed to meet me and we had a very civilised lunch. I noted in my journal (therapeutic in times of crisis) that she had convinced and reassured me that they had done nothing more than talk and become good friends. I also said she seemed really nice and genuine - wow do these words haunt me and make me feel so stupid. What she told me was the story concocted by the two of them and I fell for it hook, line and sinker. I have just discovered in last 2 weeks my husband has had a relationship (he denies affair) with another woman- sending texts, online and phone calls. I did email her to ask her to do the decent thing and give me her take on their relationship. She forwarded the email to my H and I've never heard a thing from her. I really don't care because I was doubtful I'd believe her anyway-people will tell you only what they want you to know.
stampdaddy Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 First, there is the advise NOT to talk to her, which could be good advise, BUT when you read Surereys comment about "finding out just what a liar her husband REALLY is", makes me think that your husband too hasnt been truthful with you (big shocker, I know). SO you can choose to not get your answers and move forward. I promise you, that the OW was told things like "sure, I "love" my wife, but I am "in love with you".. She was made to feel that SHE was "the one". And, in a ways that I cant understand, it was probably as if you didnt exist in her mind. The catch here is, one, you wont get those answers from hubbie.. And, it HAS been a year, and it is really hard to say what you would get from the OW. It sounds like she has stayed out of your lives all this time?? And I dont blame you for not really caring about this, but, she has had to "heal" as well, and a year is a long time to do that.. ***I better not get flamed for saying that*** cause most of you know me and know that I am compassionate on all sides of the "triangle" Anyway, you are in a bad spot, becasue you WILL find out more info that WILL start things all up inside and with that husband of yours when you WILL confront him with a new bag of sh*t he didnt tell you and all of his lame excuses as to why he didnt, but, you also WILL be scratching your head and heart of you dont.. Sure none of this helped.....
Mino Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 First, there is the advise NOT to talk to her, which could be good advise, BUT when you read Surereys comment about "finding out just what a liar her husband REALLY is", makes me think that your husband too hasnt been truthful with you (big shocker, I know). SO you can choose to not get your answers and move forward. I promise you, that the OW was told things like "sure, I "love" my wife, but I am "in love with you".. She was made to feel that SHE was "the one". And, in a ways that I cant understand, it was probably as if you didnt exist in her mind. The catch here is, one, you wont get those answers from hubbie.. And, it HAS been a year, and it is really hard to say what you would get from the OW. It sounds like she has stayed out of your lives all this time?? And I dont blame you for not really caring about this, but, she has had to "heal" as well, and a year is a long time to do that.. ***I better not get flamed for saying that*** cause most of you know me and know that I am compassionate on all sides of the "triangle" Anyway, you are in a bad spot, becasue you WILL find out more info that WILL start things all up inside and with that husband of yours when you WILL confront him with a new bag of sh*t he didnt tell you and all of his lame excuses as to why he didnt, but, you also WILL be scratching your head and heart of you dont.. Sure none of this helped..... Hi Stamp!!! your right, the mm/mw always gives a waterdown version of the A. They would never admit to everything, I agree, the poster knows there was an A, finding out the details would only hurt you more, maybe so much that it will be impossible to work on the M... I recommend, looking forward, and not into the past. Good Luck and wishing you all the best:)
LakesideDream Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 What's the point? You know what the things that attracted her to your husband were, almost certainly they are/were the same things that attracted you. You know all your husbands kinks and quirks, do you need to know hers? I never blamed my ex's BF. I understood what he wanted, then/now had. There was no "news" there for me. As for your friends who wouldn't touch a MM with a ten foot pole. Don't be so sure. My ex and her circle of friends railed against "homewreckers" forever. History now says that almost all of them became walk away wives, complete with OM. There is often more than meets the eye.
OWoman Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 As for your friends who wouldn't touch a MM with a ten foot pole. Don't be so sure. How many OW threads don't start off, "I never dreamed this would happen to me..." I know of very few OWs who chose to become such. Almost all reacted with shock and horror to the idea - until they found themselves there.
OWoman Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 As for your friends who wouldn't touch a MM with a ten foot pole. ...especially if they were married to him :lmao:
NoIDidn't Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 ...especially if they were married to him :lmao: This was helpful, NOT.
NoIDidn't Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 I don't recommend talking to the OW to get more information. What good would it do you to hear her side of things? All she is going to do is make it seem like they had some great love affair and tell you all the lies he told her (that she doesn't know where lies). She is going to tell you all the "out loud" dreaming that he did with her - and she believed was the truth - when it was whatever he needed to say to keep her in a position of disrespect as his OW. Yeah, your H did it and told her those lies. But if she has stayed out of your life and he has stayed out of hers, he's probably glad that he doesn't need to come up with more lies for you or her. But if this is what you feel that you need to do, then do it. I think it will only hurt you to see what a person is capable of when they make destructive choices. But if you want all the gory details, be prepared for them as they WILL put you back at square one.
SierraRose Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 I was once the OW. My exMM told me it all...I was the love of his life, blah, blah, blah...He finally confessed to his W about the A. The W called me about 2 weeks after he told her. She wanted to talk, she said she needed to talk and had so many questions. I told her I will be totally honest; I will answer her question, but she may not like the answers. We talked for aout an hour. She hung up on me, upset and called back a few hours later. This woman needed asnwers, clarity and closure. I don't blame her one bit. I did tell her..whether she stays M, he comes back to me or he is alone-he WILL start on a clean slate. She was very appreciative. I did tell her as long as he continues to stay in the M, I want no part of him. The W and I agreed we were both victims of lies. I was too nieve to see them. She too wrapped up in "life" to see how bad her M was. I have no clue to date what there status is. All I know, she needed to hear things to help her move on in whatever direction SHE was going to choose.
D-Lish Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 You feel this way because you let go of your H as well. Only when you walk completely away from the situation can you let go of the OW too. I didn't erase him from my thoughts though. I've been messed up since. It's been six years since then and I haven't been able to have a healthy relationship.
2sure Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 I didnt ask the OW (multiple) any questions. And to be honest I was upset but not crazy angry when I spoke to them. I called because she played a part in something that was done to me. She made herself part of a silent unknown entity that was affecting my own and my daughter's life. As a person, as an individual - I felt I wanted to tell her myself to get out. I didnt call her regarding her relationship with my husband. I called to tell her she was no longer unknown, no longer anonymous, and that I was now fully engaged and up to speed. I did say that I blamed my husband, not her - but that she was on notice to stay away from MY life. Period. And do you know, for the most part - she (they) seemed to completely get it. I made it personal, I made myself real, and I didnt sound disraught. I didnt ask anything.
stampdaddy Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 I didnt ask the OW (multiple) any questions. And to be honest I was upset but not crazy angry when I spoke to them. I called because she played a part in something that was done to me. She made herself part of a silent unknown entity that was affecting my own and my daughter's life. As a person, as an individual - I felt I wanted to tell her myself to get out. I didnt call her regarding her relationship with my husband. I called to tell her she was no longer unknown, no longer anonymous, and that I was now fully engaged and up to speed. I did say that I blamed my husband, not her - but that she was on notice to stay away from MY life. Period. And do you know, for the most part - she (they) seemed to completely get it. I made it personal, I made myself real, and I didnt sound disraught. I didnt ask anything. This is the thing which I can't figure out.. WHY does it take something like that for the OM/OW to "get it"? Why do the BS's seem to not exist in the eyes/mind of the OM/OW? (I was the OM) It IS real, it IS horrific when you look backwards and see how you had a hand in changing a persons, a family's ENTIRE dynamic. NOW, I think about the BS all of the time.. and I hate it!! But to the subject at hand (sorry for the rant), I too have talked to BS many times, and was able to answer ANY questions that he had.. I was surprised when he said that he felt that he only knew about 1% of the TRUTH, which is about right, but really only asked the "skeleton questions". Of course, I felt that the WS "should" be the one to provide those answers that the BS has, but we all know that it is rare that it wouldf happen that way...
kyflyingbutterfly Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 At this point would it really help anything really.. or just give you more questions... i don't trust the OW anyway..who knows what they will say to make us feel worse.
Author Spark1111 Posted January 31, 2009 Author Posted January 31, 2009 Thank you all for your advice and understanding. All the opinions expressed are what circles in my mind on a daily basis. My IT says that the desire to meet and talk with the OP is often a deflection: One caused by not having all the information I need to know about a two year period of my life from H, and of course, residual anger from the affair. I must admit that I feel resentment in not only having to deal with my pain, betrayal, mind movies, etc., but then needing to develope the patience to wait for him to overcome his guilt and remorse to disclose comfortably. Those trying to reconcile -- where do you get your fortitude? With such an uncooperating spouse, somedays, it feels like it would be easier to cut and run. Any thoughts out there?
Virgo1982 Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 BS/WS/OM or OW/Truth. Very rare would it be if you received actual reality from any party involved because each person would have a different perspective. In addition, each person would have a different reason to put a spin on what actually went on. For me, my biggest concern would be the H and I would want to know why he started an affair. Someone said they wouldn't care about the OW's feelings, but posters were just trying to explain that her feelings would effect the information the OP received from her. It's not to say, "I don't want to make the OW uncomfortable." It's just, "how much would it be worth to dig for this information and would I be able to separate fact from fiction if I do?" Finally, I fail to see why some posters insist on pretending the MM didn't treat both women the same. When a WS decides he either wants to stay in the M or is too afraid to leave the M, people decide everything he told the OW was a lie and the A was a fantasy. I always see the words fog and fantasy. Affairs seem quite real to me. Just as posters say the OW will be hit with reality, the BS is hit with reality on D-Day. The MM has told both women he loves them quite frequently, but neither of them probably believed it at some point: the BS on D-day (and some time after) and the OW being left behind. Like I said before, if you haven't asked him, which I'm pretty certain you have, knowing why he engaged in the affair is really all you need to know, initially. Then, whatever it takes to rebuild your M if the answer was acceptable. Anything else would simply cause you more pain and set you back. If there's anything specific that she might say to make you want a divorce, perhaps you should try to find more info. But if you want to know for the sake of knowing, it's best for you not to. My main point, if it was missed, is to focus on your M because if the OW is the biggest factor in this whole equation, you are in BIG trouble. You will know this by the answer he gives to the question of why he cheated.
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