linz Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 today is my boyfriends birthday i was gonna plan a nice night out for us both out for dinner then back home for dessert but i know his family like to spend his birthday with him too so i didnt plan to do anything just go to his familys for a drink instead as thats what usually happens. but his mums boyfriend has taken him out tonight just the 2 of them and no one else was allowed to go . me and my boyfriend have been arguing since yesterday about it he doesnt seem to understand that there was things i wanted to do with him but i didnt to keep his family happy and yet i may aswell of made my plans with him. im so angry and upset over this am i being sill or would anyone else be the same?? we've been together 3 years.
anne1707 Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 What?? Out with his mother's boyfriend?? How long have you two been together? And where are they going?
Author linz Posted January 24, 2009 Author Posted January 24, 2009 he's taken him to some thing up london something to do with the army i've been with him for 3 years his mums boyfriend only been on the scene for the last 2 to 3 months
anne1707 Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Then it is way out of order. How old is your boyfriend and the mother's boyfriend? It sounds like some kind of lads' night out too. Is this the kind of thing your boyfriend likes to do? Or do you feel that the mother's boyfriend is a bad influence? Does your boyfriend understand how you feel? (sorry - a lot of questions, I know)
Author linz Posted January 24, 2009 Author Posted January 24, 2009 no ask as many questions you like ive got no one to talk to about it. im 27 my boyfriends 25 now its gonna sound weird but his mums boyfriend is 34 they both use to be in the army (not together) in london tonight there is something going on for the guys that are to do with the army or was to do with the army all ive been told is there having dinner theres gonna be war veterans and theres accomodation too so his out the whole night
anne1707 Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I can totally understand how you feel. I would be fuming if this happened to me. Unfortunately your hands are now tied on this as he is out now I guess. I think all you can do now is when you next see him, tell him calmly how he has made you feel and ask how he would feel if you did something like that to him on your birthday.
Ronni_W Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 he's taken him to some thing up london something to do with the army i've been with him for 3 years his mums boyfriend only been on the scene for the last 2 to 3 months It sounds like a "guy thing" that they're doing, and it's nice of your b/f to make the time for his Mum's new guy -- maybe it'll help you feel better if you look at it from that point of view? NewGuy probably is trying a bit too hard for the whole family to like him. Again, there is room for compassion in this view. Kind of, you're already tight with the family, and NewGuy is hoping to develop something similar to what you already have. Your b/f may have looked at it like that, too, and maybe also hoping for his Mum to get into as good a relationship as he has with you. Also, if it's something that he really will enjoy, and wouldn't have had an opportunity to experience it otherwise, then likely you would be happy for him, secure in the knowledge that you and he can celebrate tomorrow or next week. After all, it is your love and concern for each other's happiness and positive experiences that's important, that you're each expressing every day of the year, anyway. Yes? Wishing you a GREAT birthday celebration together, no matter when that actually takes place! :love: Love would have you do that :love:
Author linz Posted January 24, 2009 Author Posted January 24, 2009 ive told him how i feel he knows we had a massive row this afternoon no one understands why i feel the way i do ive been called selfish and jealous. our relationships not great at the moment either just dont know what to do
kashmir Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Out of order? Fuming mad? Here's a simple solution without having to get all worked up: Celebrate his birthday the next night.
Author linz Posted January 24, 2009 Author Posted January 24, 2009 ronni, my boyfriends mum has just split from his dad and she seeing this new guy for a bit of fun its not serious cause shes still in love and plans to get back with my partners dad.
Author linz Posted January 24, 2009 Author Posted January 24, 2009 i have a son i arranged for him to stay at my mums tonight as i thought we would be doing something together not apart
Ronni_W Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 our relationships not great at the moment either THAT is likely exacerbating this "birthday thing" in your head, yes? Snowball effect where things that may not be an issue when the relationship is going well, become real problems when things are in the crapper. It will be tough, but if you can separate this one incident from the relationship problems as a whole, it may make it easier to handle cos they are, really, two separate things. Maybe have a calm talk with him, and ask if he'd considered that his actions today would cause more harm BECAUSE of the general way the relationship is going? What does he feel about the relationship as a whole, does he have any ideas and suggestions as to how to permanently improve things? If he does not wish to participate in the solutions that you guys need to find, then that's a whole different thread, really. (If NewGuy doesn't know that he's just "a bit of fun" for Mum, then he still could be acting with the intention of getting closer to everyone. Doesn't matter, though. It's more a question of whether or not your B/F is gonna demonstrate a commitment to fixing whatever relationship problems need fixing.) Hugs and good luck.
gopher Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Wait.....doesn't he have any say on what he gets to do on HIS birthday?
BUENG1 Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 i have a son i arranged for him to stay at my mums tonight as i thought we would be doing something together not apart nevermind didnt read the post fully
GrnEyedGemini Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Wait.....doesn't he have any say on what he gets to do on HIS birthday? Thats kinda what I was thinking. It is the day to celebrate the day HE was born, not you, right? Now, with that being said, looking at it from your point of view, I can understand why you feel the way you do. Especially if ya'll are having problems. Here is my advice: Close your eyes, step away from your opinions and feelings, and look at this objectively. This is a 25 year old man who was in the army, which is a really brotherhood bonding experience (at least in the US it is, can't speak for other countries ), then a 34 year old man who has the same kind of ties to the army invites him to go to some kind of Army shindig in London for his birthday. He most likely thought it was a really cool thing. Not to mention, since the shindig probably happened on only that one night, he figured you would understand since it happens to be the night of his birthday and people that love him would surely want him to do what would be most enjoyable to him on his birthday. You are not the only one who wants to make him feel special on his birthday, Sweetheart. Think about that. Like others have said, you can celebrate the next night. Or...celebrate the next weekend and he can have a birthday weekend full of special stuff from you! Him going somewhere other than with you on his birthday really has nothing to do with you. It has more to do with him and him wanting to do something that happened to not include you. I really don't think he went out of his way to figure out a way to not spend his birthday with you.
anne1707 Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 This is a 25 year old man who was in the army, which is a really brotherhood bonding experience What about the bond between girlfriend and boyfriend? Him going somewhere other than with you on his birthday really has nothing to do with you. So how do you think he would feel if she went out all night on a girls' night out on her birthday? If they had only been together a few months then I would think differently. Plus he has gone out with a man he has known for 3 months compared to 3 years with his girlfriend.
GrnEyedGemini Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 The thing is....he has an entire life. She is a PART of his life, not his entire life. From what I can tell, they are only bf/gf....not married. Not to mention, its his freakin birthday. I dont give this relationship much longer if she continues to try to monopolize days that are suppose to be meant to celebrate HIS life. Thats the point she and you are missing. A bond between bf and gf is strong, yes. However, in the military, you are groomed to create a special type of bond with others in the military. It is a completely different type of bond than the bf/gf bond so they are really incomparible. Besides....last time I'm gonna say it....It was HIS BIRTHDAY! He should be allowed to spend it with whomever he chose, however he chose. You are not his mother nor his wife. You are his girlfriend in which there is a huge distinction.
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