Bostongirl Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Hi all, I'm so sorry that this is long. If you are able to make it through to the end, then thank you so much! I could really use some advice. I've been searching online for some shred of hope or insight as to my current situation. I've read a lot of peoples' stories, and figured I should give it a shot. I'm young and utterly in love. My boyfriend and I met about 9 months ago at an A-Cappella show that both of our groups were performing at. He lived about 40 minutes away from me, but after talking online for a while (he got my screenname from a mutual friend who had organized the concert) and hitting it off from the get go, we decided to try our hand at casual dating. Well, to say that I fell in love with him instantly would be an understatement. He is everything that I want. He is kind, musical, caring, empathetic, trustworthy, gorgeous, and compassionate. We bonded immensely over the fact that we both have baggage. We both went through pretty bad breakups, and are both on anti-depressants for depression/anxiety. Well, we became exclusive after about a month. We spent a perfect summer together, with each other day and night. Both of us were nervous about leaving for school in the fall: he was going to school in Boston, and I was going to Washington, D.C.. We both agreed after long discussion that we had something worth holding onto, and that we would try a long distance relationship, because trying and failing seemed like a better option than losing each other all together. After one semester in D.C., I decided that this school was not for me, and applied to some schools closer to home. I decided on a school about 20 minutes from his-- although proximity to him was definitely on my mind, it was being closer to home that made my decision. I am now in my second semester in D.C., I will be back in Boston in three and a half months. However, my boyfriend's depression has kicked in full-force. He was there to stand by me through a really horrible semester at school, during which I was miserable and depressed. There is no question in my mind that I want to stay with him, support him while he goes through this period, give him everything that I can to make him see how extraordinary he is. He says that he feels empty, that he doesn't like himself anymore, that he has never felt so lost. I empathize because I have been there before. I just wish I was there to hold him and let him FEEL that I am here for him. I am very excited to be closer to him in a few months -- but he is at a point in his life -- in his depression -- where he is not sure if he can deal with disappointing me. He says that last time he was depressed, having a girlfriend was awful because he felt like he was letting her down. I assured him that I am not one to take the good and leave the bad. He is withdrawn and much less affectionate. I understand and do not take offense, although it worries me at times. It is just a complete 180 degree turn around, from the passionate and enthusiastic boy that I had gotten so used to. I do everything that I can to be supportive and affectionate and not burden him. But I am so scared that he will want to break up because of his depression. I know that I am young and have absolutely no way of telling for sure... but if I could marry him tomorrow, I would do it in a heartbeat. He is perfect. Everything that I could ever dream of. He says sometimes he feels like he is trying to get better more so for me than for himself-- and he's not sure if that is good or bad. I just want to keep him. Make him better. It is very selfish of me, I know. But if you could feel the love and devotion that I feel for him-- you would understand. I know that this is a chemical battle-- one that he must fight for himself. I just want to be there with him. Being away makes that hard, but I fly home once a month for a weekend. I hope that we can make it through the next three and half months-- until I am closer to him and he can feel my support physically. Until then, I suppose that all I can do is be supportive and let him know that I am here for him. I wish I could fast forward the next few years. Be older, better able to plan a future with him. Thanks for reading. I know it was long. I just needed to get my story out there.
KikiW Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Wow he sounds like he is really battling the depression right now. That is such a hard beast to slay. I'm 34 and only in the past year have truly begun to shake a lot of that off myself. Does he have a therapist he sees regularly? Is he on medication right now? Perhaps he needs to be reevaluated to make sure he is on the correct dosage. If he isn't seeing anyone, he should - and fast. I know it can be such a "guy" thing that they don't want to go to a shrink, but he seems pretty aware of his depression. Whether he is trying to get better for you or for himself is kind of moot at the moment. He needs to get better... he can take all the time he wants deciding who he wants to do it more for when he has the energy and strength to work on it. Can you spare any time to take a train up to see him over a weekend?
Author Bostongirl Posted January 25, 2009 Author Posted January 25, 2009 Kiki, He is seeing a therapist and is on medication. He probably should be going more, but his therapist (he's been seeing the same guy, whom he loves, for two years) is a bit far from him to be going weekly. So he goes every few weeks-- but I'm sure he will make the effort to go more regularly now that he has hit this new low. Being in D.C., and he in Boston makes it difficult to get home on a whim-- being a poor college student especially in this economy. But I will be home for a long weekend mid-February. I'm counting down the days. I wish I could give him the answer; take his pain. You see, we used to talk, jokingly make plans for our future-- the names of our kids, etc. But at the same time, it is something that we both want... and with each other. It's hard to be faced with the fact now that getting through the PRESENT is going to be such a struggle. Because we are so young. We always say it would have been nice to have met later or in life... things would have been less complicated. We are old souls. I get choked up just thinking about it. Thanks for the response.
Island Girl Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 He is seeing a therapist and is on medication. He probably should be going more, but his therapist (he's been seeing the same guy, whom he loves, for two years) is a bit far from him to be going weekly. So he goes every few weeks-- but I'm sure he will make the effort to go more regularly now that he has hit this new low. Hi Bostongirl I hope there has been some improvement in the amount of times he is seeing his therapist. He really should ask for a recommendation from the therapist for another who is closer to him. Going every few weeks just isn't going to help. And even once every two weeks at his level just isn't enough. I am surprised that the therapist hasn't already said something about this. Is he on meds? If not, then he needs to be. If so, perhaps he needs an adjustment or an evaluation of different meds he could be on. And he needs to take them. He needs to be committed to that because even if he is on them, in his condition, it is common for people not to take them regularly or if they do, when they feel better, they stop.
Author Bostongirl Posted January 26, 2009 Author Posted January 26, 2009 He is on medication and takes it faithfully. He had a good night last night (YAY!), but slumped back down a little bit today. He feels anxious, sad about being anxious, and mad about being sad... such a horrible circle. He says he's going to give it two weeks-- and if he does not see improvement, he is going to request to go up on his medication dosage. I think it is a step in the right direction because he is on a pretty low dosage for someone who is suffering daily. I recommended that he visit his therapist more often... he says he just doesn't have anything to talk about because nothing in particular is bothering him. He's pretty sure it is completely chemical. Sigh. Hopefully things will start to get better once he goes up on his meds. Until then... I'm hanging in there.
Island Girl Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 He is on medication and takes it faithfully. He had a good night last night (YAY!), YAY! but slumped back down a little bit today. I am all too familiar with the cycle. *sigh* He feels anxious, sad about being anxious, and mad about being sad... such a horrible circle. I know this all too well. I recommended that he visit his therapist more often... he says he just doesn't have anything to talk about because nothing in particular is bothering him. He's pretty sure it is completely chemical. Even if it is the visits will help. Just to vent to a 3rd party who isn't emotionally invested helps, believe me. Sigh. Hopefully things will start to get better once he goes up on his meds. Until then... I'm hanging in there. Good for you fro hanging in there. I know it can be difficult but a support system makes all the difference. My guess is that you really are that for him. I hope he gives you that as well. Because it is hard for you too. My heart goes out to you.
Author Bostongirl Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 Islandgirl, He was there for me during a VERY hard first semester at school. He has been my rock and my happy thought for the last four months -- well, really since we started dating. I got him tickets to see his favorite band-- he's there right now and just texted me to tell me thank you and he loves me. Hopefully that will be a nice little pick me up for him, even if it's just temporary.
Island Girl Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Hopefully that will be a nice little pick me up for him, even if it's just temporary. It is a wonderful gift and he knows through that you think of him and love him just for being him. That makes a difference for sure.
Author Bostongirl Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 He's been doing better the past few days. Much more open and affectionate. I'm praying things are inching their way back up!
KikiW Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 YAY! I am happy for you My fingers are crossed that his chemicals are balancing out again - he should definitely talk to his doctor about this episode though, so they can re-run tests and make sure he's on the correct dosage and all. Hope he had a great time at the concert!
Island Girl Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Hey Bostongirl I hope he has been doing well. Has he gotten a therapist closer to him - and a review of his meds yet? I am wishing you both the best and I hope you find a way to make Valentine's special! My husband's Valentine's day is the day before ours. So - as it is with EVERY holiday but my birthday - he gets a "head's up" when I call to wish him Happy Valentine's that he has to call me the next morning to do the same. I can't wait til he is with me and he is going to have to remember himself! (He'll never forget our anniversary - it's his birthday). Again, I hope all is well with you and yours! {{hug}}
Author Bostongirl Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 He has been doing much better recently-- still swings every once and again, but overall -- I'm thrilled. I'll be with him for Valentine's Day!! I'm very excited. I've already started primping! Anyways. Have a happy Valentine's Day. I hope your husband knows how very lucky he is!!! -Bostongirl
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