computer1 Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Married for 7. now feeling rejected and confused. I just probably want to be set free. And yet everytime we discuss about the problem. It all boils down to its my fault . i love my wife. But i love myself even more. I just want to know the truth on where we are ... the problem .... she cannot devulge here trust with me completely... the reason... her past relationships where she's the one ending up being cheated and her continued womanizing father ... the effects == one helpless guy trying to avoid temptation every step on the road just for the sake of love and now is in the brink of just giving up because he's seeing his marriage as a sinking boat just waiting to go under ... sorry people.. just venting out. peace
quankanne Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 marriage counselling or enrichment sessions to help the both of you get the tools you need to create a stronger, healthier marriage. a bit of background: I am Mrs. Quank #3, and for the longest time it seemed like I was the whipping boy for whatever bad stuff the first two wives did (they both cheated on him, followed by divorce). That combined with some other issues made it a bit difficult to build a healthy marriage, and at one point, I'll confess that I was ready to throw in the towel and just divorce his grumpy ass. then he offered to go an a marriage enrichment weekend (called a Marriage Encounter) offered by my church. And it was the best investment we ever made, he tells people that straight out whenever the subject comes up. it's about learning to communicate more effectively, about identifying the baggage that comes with a relationship and saying "That's not ours, therefore we don't need it in our marriage." Mostly, though, it's about learning each other's different styles and beliefs about marriage so that you can focus on making them work for you. with DH, I think he realized that I wasn't like his ex-wives, that because of how I was raised and because of my faith beliefs, marriage is a sacrament, not to be entered lightly or dinked with. And I learned to be more patient with him, because even though he had a similar role model with his folks, his experiences with the wives left him doubting and untrusting. it's not perfect, but the difference now is that we both understand that our love for each other is the bedrock of our marriage, and even when we drive each other nuts, that doesn't change. And it's kind of nice to have that mutual understanding because it clears away a lot of crap that would otherwise hurt the marriage. and I wonder if that's something your wife might benefit from? Knowing that you married her for a particular reason (and she you), and that y'alls relationship is NOT like anyone else's ...
Author computer1 Posted January 25, 2009 Author Posted January 25, 2009 is im a 34 and she's 33 .. we've been married for 6 years. right now we've discussed how everything seems off lately. we talked about it .. both of us agreed that there is something wrong. then i asked if she still loves me? she says yes but not like what she's expecting .. she wishes that it would be like the one's before.. like the first kiss.. the first love .. the passion .. i have reason to believe that she became bored with the relationship.. honestly .. i would like to give it another shot.. but the problem im facing is .. would she .. i dont want her to feel the pressure of staying with me because im willing to save the marriage ... kinda hard for me to discuss this with my family because i want to maintain their unbiased feelings towards my wife. .. i really love her.. i just want to know if its time to let go ... sorry for the ramblings.. but thanks alot for listening ...
quankanne Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 I think I can see how romantically, the first "anything" would be more appealing than just plain old (fill in this blank) with a partner of X years, but there's also something ... I don't know, very exciting being with that someone knowing that really, anything could derail the relationship. And yeah, knowing that it's that someone who was specifically brought into my life for a specific purpose, and for so many years is incredibly romantic in it's own way, you know? kinda like that shania twain song, "still the one." Yes, there are many outside forces that can conspire against us, but by golly, look at just how incredible our relationship is to beat the odds ... it's easy to be bored if you look at it with jaded eyes and tell yourself, "oh yeah, *this* old thing" – the challenge is to find something new/fresh every time you get tempted to just dismiss it for being same old/same old. maybe it IS time to get to marital counselling to find out just what your wife expects of your relationship. She's worried you'll cheat, yet she makes out like she's bored with the lack of newness ... why the heck did she want to be married in the first place, and why specifically to you if she didn't think past the wedding day? not trying to be mean or caustic, but help you to help figure out what her expectations are, and if she understands that sometimes, we can be very unrealistic when we set our goals. unless she's a drama queen in the sense that unless things are churning and there's fighting and drama, the relationship isn't "good"? There are some folks who honestly believe that this is what a healthy relationship is about. meanwhile, don't ever be afraid to put yourself out there when you truly believe in a cause. The worse that can happen is that you'll get your heart or pride stomped on, but you know what? At least people know where YOU stand, and why. There's no shame in fighting to keep your marriage alive ... hugs, quank
quankanne Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 i just want to know if its time to let go ... my personal thought is that the time for leaving is when you've given it your all and can walk away as you honestly tell yourself, "I did my best, with all my might, even knowing that it might not go in my favor." Because that's the only thing you CAN do, give it your best effort. It might not save a relationship or give you what you want, but then again, you know exactly what you are willing to give/sacrifice/do for something you believe in.
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