Sexless marriage, she caught me emailing/chatting, What Now?

[haplo777]

This one is kind of long. Sorry.

 

I have been in relationship with my wife since 1997 when we met in college. We dated exclusively in college and waited until we were done with school to get married. We also waited to have sex until we were married. She and I had (or seemed to) have a healthy curiousity about things sexual. The first time i gave her oral sex she claimed to have orgasmed for the first time (more on that lie later). I felt SO special for giving that experience to her (she also told me that the idea of masterbation disgusted her) that connection really helped solidify the physical part of our relationship and we always had a good emotional connection. She was never as motivated to have fun sexually as I was, but she kept up. Like MANY other guys, when I felt that I wasn't getting enough sexual release from her, I would masterbate. She found out about my masterbating to porn on the internet and she had a "closed leg strike" for quite some time (at least 8 months or so) saying that "if she was there, why did I need the porn".

 

Things progressed, we got married. She seemed into sex as at least something new, and I wanted it too. I ALWAYS stressed her needs first. I was willing to make sure that she achieved orgasm before me, even if it took a while. I kept trying to stress to her that we needed to find a way that we could both enjoy sex to orgasm but So many women cannot achieve orgasm through intercourse, so I didn't push the issue. She seemed to enjoy the attention I give her through oral pleasure (though I later found out that she never orgasmed and she had faked ALL OF THEM). More on those feelings later.

 

Well we eventually had to try very hard and for a while (almost a year and a half) to conceive our son. Sex got very regular, and basically all one sided to me so that I could orgasm. We were dedicated to having a child (we had ALWAYS wanted children, both of us), so her physical needs took a hit as we basically just had sex in one or two positions. They didn't help her enjoy it at all. We were using the method where you time the best time to conceive based on menstral cycle. So for a week or so, we had sex once or two times a night, just to try and conceive. The rest of the month, yep.... you guessed it: I masterbated. The positions that allowed us to have sex got me to orgasm quickly, but hurt her and made her even more disinterested in sex at other times.

 

After having our son, her sex drive was GONE. NOTHING. He is almost four (next month) and we have had sex ONE TIME since he was conceived.

 

Yep, I turned back to the porn for sexual release. I am 31 now. I still have a healthy sexual need. I have stressed to my wife to the point of getting so upset that I ended up crying myself to sleep. During one of these discussions, she revealed to me that she had only had one "sort of" orgasm with me and that since having our son, she had masterbated a few times to orgasms. Orgasms that were much better (her words) than what I have ever given her. THIS DESTROYED ME. She swore that she would never do that. If I was there for her physical needs (which I NEVER DENIED TO HER IF SHE ASKED) she would NEVER need to masterbate. This is a lie that CUT VERY DEEP for me.

 

There needs to be a physical connection as strong as the emotional one for a relationship to work. One that is stronger can ofset the other slightly, I am not wanting a 50/50 split, but they both have to be there.

 

She has found my porn stash on the computer. Several times. She has said that if she was there, why would I need to masterbate? I replied that she wasn't interested in sex since our son was born. It went back and forth. Sex was too painful for her, but I still had physical needs. Somewhere along the path, my mind and my physical needs decided that masterbation was okay. Then it progressed to chatting, and emails, and even sending pictures of myself and exchanging pictures. It all was for physical release.

 

ALL for physical release, fantasy. Sometimes I chatted with males, females, and couples. The blur of fantasy was over it all. I felt that it was no more different than fantasizing. Just more elaborate. There was never a physical connection, EVER. There were some email fantasies that mentioned what would happen if I and the other person ever met.

 

Bottom line, she considers this cheating. She is also having trouble seeing the line between fantasy and role playing; and seeing that that line WAS NEVER CROSSED. She was also against some of the acts described in the fantasies; like fetishes, role playing, locations, and people involved.

 

WHAT CAN I DO TO REBUILD THE TRUST?

 

WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP HER UNDERSTAND THAT IT WAS JUST A PHYSICAL RELEASE FOR ME, AND THAT I NEVER WENT THROUGH WITH ANY FANTASIES?

[JackJack]

I would suggest going over to the marriage builders website and telling the same story there as you have here...they might be better at guiding you in the right direction on what steps you need to take to rebuild that trust.

 

I'm sorry this all happened, its seems its a case of her not meeting your needs and YOU possibly not meeting hers and maybe thats why she wasn't as into sex, hard to say for sure.

 

I don't have any kids but do know from being on here and talking to family members who have kids say that, sometimes a woman's body is out of whack hormonal wise after having kids.......something a man wouldn't probably ever really understand...but might help to read up on it...and be more supportive if in fact that is the case with your wife.

[haplo777]

Thanks for the reply.... I will check out that other site, THANKS!

 

I did try to let her know that after our son was born that we coud take it slow. Trying to conceive him was stress enough, and not very intimate.

 

It was very much a need to conceive and very little care was given to sexual pleasure.

 

I did put in plenty of effort to try and reawaken the spark of physical desire from her. I have a fetish for oral, and love doing it to her. (that ONE orgasm she claimed from me was through oral) I would do it for hours if necessary. I went the full route for foreplay too; massages, waiting until after a shower, putting our son to sleep a little early, etc. but nothing.

 

I just want her to realize that I still needed the physical release and that the online stuff never was anything more than a release for my physical urges......

[hunkahunkaburninlove]

I think she has been completely deceptive from the start. She sounds manipulative too. I am not saying that your EAs are OK. She says she hates masturbation. That is of course unless its her doing it to herself. She has you where she wants you . She uses the withholding of sex and love as punishment. I am amazed that you are with her after all this time. I would take a hard line with her and actually move out while you go to counseling. She takes you for granted. I could not imagine looking down the road 10, 20, or 30 years having to live with this. Your love has blinded you to her manipulation. JMHO

[blair08]

There is never just one person at fault for things like this. You both have had a hand in the way things have gotten to where they are.

 

Sit down and talk with her, and tell her what you would like to see come of this whole situation. That is assuming you want to work it out and she does too. Possibly go to MC (marriage counseling) as well if you feel that is a option for you both.