winnieloveshunny Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 We haven't been together for very long. It has only been a few weeks. However, my boyfriend has been asking me to go to his place and I declined each time. I am not ready to have sex with him although I feel very attracted to him too. To me, it's too fast and I think relationships take time to develop. To him, it's just a natural progression when 2 people are together. He said that it's tormenting him and he gets disappointed everytime when I refused to go to his place. He said that he has to try and think of me as a platonic friend instead of a girlfriend in order to not have these thoughts in his head. Anyway, he gets quite upset everytime and it makes me quite angry too. Maybe I don't understand why he has to get so upset about it since I think I make quite a bit of sense with my stand too. Everytime we meet or talk on the phone, this subject would be brought up then both of us get upset.
Geishawhelk Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I'm sorry hun, call me old-fashioned but - I'm on your side. If you're not ready to do this, then don't. You should only ever have sex with someone when it feels good and right to do so. You haven't told him you'll never have sex with him, you've just told him you're not ready yet - haven't you? If the physical side is what drives him, and he thinks he can only view you as a platonic friend, then it sounds to me as if he's disrespecting the relationship, your principles and your wishes. Plenty of people here have waited months before having sex. If he's so fixated, then you need to consider how he would be with other major decisions concerning your peace of mind.....
Ariadne Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Anyway, he gets quite upset everytime and it makes me quite angry too. Maybe I don't understand why he has to get so upset about it... then both of us get upset. Doesn't sound like you are getting along very well. Seems like your reluctance to move forward has a reason. Sometimes if you are not sure it's better to wait till you are.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 The fact that he has to think of you as a platonic friend in order to not have sex with you says a lot of how he feels about your relationship. That sort of attitude would make any self-respecting person only need to wait longer.
Surfer Dude Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 How can someone be your boyfriend if you never had sex? What kind of terminology is this. Your bf's idea of relationships sounds perfectly solid to me. Sex is a completely natural way for two people to connect on a deep, spiritual level and share something amazing. And not to mention that sex is at the core of every good relationship, and if the sex is lackluster, I can guarantee you that relationship won't survive for long. This guy seems to be totally normal, and if you keep denying both of you what really matters, he's going to look elsewhere and find a woman who is in tune with her needs and will enjoy sex. Don't wanna be harsh, but that's the just the way it works.
Joyvke Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 How can someone be your boyfriend if you never had sex? What kind of terminology is this. Your bf's idea of relationships sounds perfectly solid to me. Sex is a completely natural way for two people to connect on a deep, spiritual level and share something amazing. And not to mention that sex is at the core of every good relationship, and if the sex is lackluster, I can guarantee you that relationship won't survive for long. This guy seems to be totally normal, and if you keep denying both of you what really matters, he's going to look elsewhere and find a woman who is in tune with her needs and will enjoy sex. Don't wanna be harsh, but that's the just the way it works. They're only dating a few weeks. A relation doesn't evolve only around sex you know. Just be honest with him, tell him you just can't do it *yet*. What age are you two?
Author winnieloveshunny Posted January 24, 2009 Author Posted January 24, 2009 I have never said that I won't ever have sex with him. I only said that I am not ready yet. To me, I don't think it's right or the time to do it yet. I won't give in. I just wonder whether it's still worthwhile for us to continue going out or something. Or my next course of action. Everytime we argue over it, he said okay, he understands and he'll stop asking me anymore. He said it's not important to him. It was in the past, but not anymore, hence he's still going out with me. He said he can follow my wishes. Then this subject gets brought up again at the next outing. I do like him but somehow I think the speed at how he expects the relationship to progress is pulling me back further. It makes me a little doubtful of certain things that he said. Like he loves me and stuffs, and how it's unimportant to him.
Surfer Dude Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 They're only dating a few weeks. A relation doesn't evolve only around sex you know. Just be honest with him, tell him you just can't do it *yet*. Few weeks eh? Hell, every time I was with a girl, I sealed the deal in 2-3 days tops. Everything else ends up in the friends zone. And judgmental and prudish girls who are not interested in sex are not in demand these days. But if the OP and her bf really don't like sex (unlike the rest of the world), more power to them
Geishawhelk Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Few weeks eh? Hell, every time I was with a girl, I sealed the deal in 2-3 days tops. Everything else ends up in the friends zone. That's your deal, if you want to date easy girls..... think how quickly they fell into bed with other guys too.... And judgmental and prudish girls who are not interested in sex are not in demand these days. Simply because a lady doesn't feel ready for a sexual relationship, it doesn't make her judgemental and prudish. It makes her self-respectful and principled. If she then thinks sex is ok with the light off, wearing a full-length flanelette nightie, and lying as stiff as a board - then I agree with you. But there's nothing anywhere the OP says that gives rise to the assumption that she's prudish or judgemental. But if the OP and her bf really don't like sex (unlike the rest of the world), more power to them I'm sorry, where has she said that she doesn't LIKE sex? "Rest of the world"....? There you go. Assumptions and unfounded criticisms again.... And before you accuse me of being the same with your 'easy lays'..... That was my point.
Author winnieloveshunny Posted January 24, 2009 Author Posted January 24, 2009 Well, we're both in our twenties. And he's 3 years older than me. I guess a relationship is not made up of sex only. Sex is probably an important part of it, but it's not everything. Why would I want to go into it when the other parts of a relationship are not clear to me yet. A girl gotta protect herself. I mean you don't go having a boyfriend or girlfriend just to have sex right. Then what's FWB or those prostitutes or whatsoever for? I wouldn't like a guy who had sex with a dozen girlfriends. If a relationship is purely made up of sex, then I doubt it can last for long also. What happens when both of you get old next time? I have never said that I don't like sex either. Just I don't have sex with any Tom, Dick or Harry. What's OP?
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Oh god... That's your deal, if you want to date easy girls..... think how quickly they fell into bed with other guys too.... Highfive! Gee, I'm so sad not to be "in demand" for the guy who settles for sluts. I guess I'll just have to stick with all the guys who have class and are actually worthwhile to be with :'( Seriously though, maybe read the whole post (even just the first one) before responding. She didn't say she doesn't want sex, jsut that she isn't ready. Gasp! I know, class, weird eh? OP = original poster.
Surfer Dude Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 That's your deal, if you want to date easy girls..... think how quickly they fell into bed with other guys too.... Simply because a lady doesn't feel ready for a sexual relationship, it doesn't make her judgemental and prudish. It makes her self-respectful and principled. If she then thinks sex is ok with the light off, wearing a full-length flanelette nightie, and lying as stiff as a board - then I agree with you. But there's nothing anywhere the OP says that gives rise to the assumption that she's prudish or judgemental. I'm sorry, where has she said that she doesn't LIKE sex? "Rest of the world"....? There you go. Assumptions and unfounded criticisms again.... And before you accuse me of being the same with your 'easy lays'..... That was my point. I think women who call other women "easy" or "sluts" are frustrated and jealous for not allowing themselves to be sexual, and are afraid of being compared to them, by men. Because, men would naturally opt for the girls who like sex (except sexually frustrated and possessive men who keep their women as some sort of property). So if "easy" and "slut" means "being sexually attuned" and "relaxed and fun-loving", then please, bring on the SLUTS by all means
LittleDove Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Hi, Im thinking that youre not really into this guy.... somethings holding you back... Maybe seeking a guy with the SAME values as yourself is a good idea... Fights, before you even have sex, within a few weeks, would be a deal breaker for me. Because I think if you were really attracted to him, you would be very ready to go further by now. JMHO. g'luck.
carhill Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 OP, I read your old threads. How many men have you been intimate with? IME, there's an interplay of emotion and intellect which triggers the sexual decision process. After you've been with a few men, it becomes familiar to you. You just know it's right. This might be what SurferDude is alluding to. You may just not be at that point in your experience where you process all that instinctively. What I can say is that, IME, when you process this too much, you create anxiety for yourself and send out signals of mixed messages to the man. Ultimately, this can and likely will result in a time schism, where the timing of your emotional responses disconnects; essentially, the natural rythm of the relationship becomes disrupted and is often difficult to repair. In extreme cases, you have to split up just to re-set the clock. It's hard to explain in simple terms but life experience (you sound young) will imbue you with a sense of these things. You'll see this with the older ladies on LS. Are you ready to get married? Is that the kind of relationship you want right now? If yes, is this guy the type of man you would want to marry? Or, at the other end of the scale, is he just someone to hang with, enjoy good times with until the right guy comes along? If you've known him for any length of time prior to dating him, you should know those answers, at least instinctively. The work is qualifying and quantifying the instinct. Making mistakes hones those instincts. You stop making mistakes when you die As someone upthread said, don't have sex until you're ready. That said, examine the "why"; it's healthy.
Author winnieloveshunny Posted January 24, 2009 Author Posted January 24, 2009 Only 1 actually and he was my one serious boyfriend and we were together for more than 2 years. He claims that he wants to marry me and has made plans about many things, like our future etc. But we are only together for about 2 weeks. We got together soon after getting to know each other so I don't know much about him prior to dating him. I think the guy that I am going to end up having sex with will be probably someone that I am very sure about, probably someone who's a potential husband. When this guy brings the issue up everytime we meet and we start disagreeing, it starts making myself wonder is that all he wants? Is having sex a measure of whether a person loves you or not? Since he said he wonders if I like him. I like him but I don't love him yet. I think to him, I may seem very weird and stubborn.
carhill Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 He claims that he wants to marry me and has made plans about many things, like our future etc. But we are only together for about 2 weeks.Hmmm.... OK, now what do you want? Not necessarily with him, but in general? For your life? You said "I think the guy that I am going to end up having sex with will be probably someone that I am very sure about, probably someone who's a potential husband"; is that an internal process or have you verbalized it? If I was dating you, IMO, it's something I'd want to know. FWIW, IMO, any guy who's mentioning marriage at this juncture in anything more than the most general terms (e.g. "I see myself getting married someday") is a red flag waving brightly. I'd recommend caution here.
Author winnieloveshunny Posted January 24, 2009 Author Posted January 24, 2009 What do I want.. in general.. referring to a relationship, a man, or life? I want to be together with someone that I love and is serious and get married in a few years' time. Frankly speaking, I feel that most guys that I meet nowadays, and who are in their 20s, seem to be wanting sex above all other things and it puts me off. It will come into the picture, but within a short span of time or when we hardly know much about each other or how serious? I don't think so. Why would you wave a red flag?
Scottdmw Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Personally I believe in waiting until marriage for sex, but if you're not going to do that I would say it's _perfectly_ reasonable to wait a good amount of time until you are sure you know the person and really in love with them _without_ the sex. Then you can be sure you're in the relationship for the right reasons. Many guys will say whatever you want to hear if it leads to sex, including talking about marriage etc. After 2 weeks you really don't have a good feel for whether he's honest etc. Scott
carhill Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Why would you wave a red flag? If he's mentioning marriage and your name in the same sentence, or even paragraph, at this point, he's way ahead of himself. Too invested, too early. This interplays with him pushing for sex. It probably (won't say likely) is an indicator of disparate emotional styles. I've experienced this enough (both as the pusher and pushee) to see the signs. Do you see yourself married and having children in another five years? That's what I meant about what do you want. It's healthy for you and he to be on the same page with such generalities, allowing them to become specific over time as intimacy and familiarity grows. I think your perspective of waiting is fine, but may not agree with his perspective. That's another compatibility issue.
westrock Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 He claims that he wants to marry me and has made plans about many things, like our future etc. He cannot know that he wants to marry you after only knowing you for 2 weeks. Even if he does know, then he would be willing to respect who you are and wait until you are ready. I think to him, I may seem very weird and stubborn. That is his problem, not yours. Any guy that thinks you are weird and stubborn cannot be in a position to claim they want to marry you.
steveraves Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Having been together for only a couple of weeks and he's talking about marriage in my estimation makes him either a dreamer or a ploy to get you into bed. I'll go with ploy to get you into bed. Maybe I take a different view of relationships, but being bf/gf for only a couple of weeks doesn't equate to a commitment of having sex. To me it means you like one another, you want to be exclusive to one another and develop the relationship more. Sex would come at some point down the road once the relationship is more developed. I think you have every right to stand your ground until you're ready. If he's the person he's portraying to be he'll wait, and if not you didn't waste yourself on him.
movingonandon Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Oh god... Highfive! Gee, I'm so sad not to be "in demand" for the guy who settles for sluts. I guess I'll just have to stick with all the guys who have class and are actually worthwhile to be with :'( Seriously though, maybe read the whole post (even just the first one) before responding. She didn't say she doesn't want sex, jsut that she isn't ready. Gasp! I know, class, weird eh? OP = original poster. Yeah, if somebody called my girlfriend "slut" just because she slept with me within 5 dates they would have trouble getting home. There are many legitimate reasons to delay sex, but there are at least as many not to. But if you somehow think that delaying by default makes you "better" - well, THAT's the definition of judgemental and prudish.
Trialbyfire Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 You've set your boundaries but he keeps pushing them, each and every time you're together. It's one thing to keep pushing them and another where he says he's going to respect them, then keeps pushing them. In acknowledging and agreeing to your boundaries, then disregarding them, smacks of a selfish man. He's pulling a full court press on marriage portion. Hmmm...4 alarm fire! Listen to your gut instinct. It's telling you something's not right. A guy like this will wander away after he's not getting sex, which is fine because that's his right and choice. Your right and choice is to maintain distance until the alarm disables itself through his actions.
fral945 Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I think the guy that I am going to end up having sex with will be probably someone that I am very sure about, probably someone who's a potential husband. When this guy brings the issue up everytime we meet and we start disagreeing, it starts making myself wonder is that all he wants? Is having sex a measure of whether a person loves you or not? Since he said he wonders if I like him. I like him but I don't love him yet. Well, most men don't necessarily equate sex with love, but I think a man feels most loved when a woman has sex with him (or is sexually available). IMO that's the best way to make a man feel loved. But since you don't love him yet, you have every right to wait. Have you told him you're not going to have sex with anyone who is not a possible future potential husband? I think most guys would want to know this, because as Trial said a lot of men aren't going to wait around if sex is high on the list and they aren't necessarily looking to get married.
Surfer Dude Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I think this guy should bail while he can and get a girl who loves having fun, and our OP should get a traditional boyfriend who is going to respect her wishes. Because obviously, these two aren't getting along like this.
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