Riffmeister General Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Hi all, Wow, been a while since I've been in here! Have I ever torn this whole situation apart?! But, I've hit a wall with regards to an important decision. As you may know from my backstory (it's on here somewhere), I'm in Canada on a year's work visa, due to expire late June 09. However, since my ex arrived for a long anticipated visit from the UK, stayed one night and broke up with me for a guy back home the next day, the shine has disappeared from this trip. I was supposed to be leaving Whistler in March to travel the rest of Canada, but I've had no motivation to carry now. It left me, understandably, bitterly lonely, and all I wanted to do was go home and be with my mates, and carrying on seems like a total waste of money. Well, after a lot of opposition to the idea ("you'll regret it", "don't let that bitch ruin your trip" etc etc), I explained my rationale and people came round to the idea. I have a lot to go back to. My old band want me back and they have a record deal from a small independent label on the table, gigs lined up, stuff I lived for. I thought if I go home, save the money I've not spent, enjoy time with my mates, and maybe go travelling again in the future when I know I can enjoy it to the fullest, when I'm completely over the breakup. I function fine right now, back to work etc, but it still plagues my thoughts, although the pain is lessening. But now I'm doubting myself. I caught myself thinking yesterday of ways of subtly letting her know when I'm back but making it seem like I'm just announcing it to everyone (I removed her from Facebook, so the status update is out... that kind of thing). Then I thought, sh*t, what ARE my motivations for going home really? Why do I care if she knows or not? Is it because I think that going home might make her change her mind? I never thought that consciously before yesterday, but why else do I want her to know I'm back? Make her feel guilty for ruining the trip? No, I really don't think that's the case. I'm confused. I thought I was really clear on wanting to go home for a while, and I didn't think it had anything to do with attempting to passively initiate a reconciliation (passive in the sense that I'm not asking for it, but my presence there might make something happen). She always said it would have been different if I'd not gone, and I see now she couldn't handle the LDR due to dependency issues (read The Road Less Traveled; it's GOLD!), and I think that's been playing on my subconscious, influencing my decision. But then I know that the damage has been done and she's been forced into the arms of another, and it's too late. What would YOU do?! It's not like I'm cancelling the rest of the trip, just putting it on hold, but I'm fearful that going home and it having no difference will knock me back again IF that's a subconscious motivation for me to go back, but then I'm not even sure that IS a subconscious motivation, have I just made that up in my head?! You see how confused I am?!?!
nature Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I'm in Canada on a year's work visa, due to expire late June 09. However, since my ex arrived for a long anticipated visit from the UK, stayed one night and broke up with me for a guy back home the next day, the shine has disappeared from this trip. Oh I feel for you. When did your ex arrive and break up with you? And how long have you two been in a relationship before the break up? I was supposed to be leaving Whistler in March to travel the rest of Canada, but I've had no motivation to carry now. Oh Whistler...I've been there. I hear people have the best time there? Have you made any friends? Do you go out and party? There are so many neat places to visit in Canada, although spring time is not necessarily the nicest time to do it. It's much nicer in the heat of the summer (July/August) It left me, understandably, bitterly lonely, and all I wanted to do was go home and be with my mates, and carrying on seems like a total waste of money. Have you not made any new mates at Whistler? I realize they are not the same as old mates, but still...it is a new experience! And i hear Whistler is full of young people from all over the world...including girls dying to date! Have you thought of getting out and dating a bit? I understand you are hurting. And I can understand your desire to go home. Sometimes when away on a trip it can make the loneliness worse, no matter how many people and friends are around. The grass isn't always greener, I suppose. However, you have to stop beating yourself up for leaving. You did what you wanted to do. You went travelling. Yes, it was probably very hard on her. I can tell you as a woman, she probably imagined you in party-town Whistler, with scants of women all around you, and her mind probably went crazy. While she sat back at home. So in order to cure her insecurities, she found another man, rather than rely on her trust and faith in your relationship. Have you thought of writing to her? How long has it been since you have spoken?
Author Riffmeister General Posted January 24, 2009 Author Posted January 24, 2009 She came over on boxing day, so I spent Christmas Day excitedly getting everything ready, cleaning, tidying, got a double bed all set up... what a waste of time. We'd been together 6 months, but known each other for 4 years, all of which she liked me, so she said. Yeah, that's the thing about Whistler. I've met loads of people, don't get me wrong, but Whistler's a weird place; people tend to have their groups of friends all set up and aren't that interested in new people much. Plus it's a very transient population, so just as you get to know someone, they're gone. I've made friends, but work means I don't see anyone every day. Totally not like mates from home, who are just an extension of your family. I've been here since July, and I'm totally ready to move on anyway, but just where to? Yeah, I've totally started thinking about dating, which isn't bad 4 weeks out of the blocks, but I think it's more motivated by filling the hole she left rather than doing it cos I'm ready, so I've not done anything. I think you're right, I didn't really think too much about how she was feeling about the whole thing cos she was always so adamant about us, we were meant to be, she trusted me completely etc etc. I don't blame myself for coming out here, it was all arranged and booked before we hooked up, so it was always gonna happen. Maybe I just expected too much from her, shouldn't have taken everything she said to heart I guess. It probably had to do with insecurites but also a dependence issue which means it wasn't enough for her to have a boyfriend, he has to be with her, on her arm, so she can show the world how much she's loved. Sad really, cos I really think if this trip hadn't happened, we'd be together forever, and I've never had that feeling so strongly 6 months into a relationship. Not thought about writing to her recently, no. It's not going to give me anything I want to hear. Wrote a couple of weeks back to say I regretted saying some things to her, and she replied with a really nice email saying how good I'd been about it, so at least there's positive energy between us in case I ever want to be friends again. I think I need to leave it a couple of months at least.
Goatsbreath Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Hey Riffmeister, how long is the rest of your trip? What work do you do to support yourself while traveling? My big fear for you is that if you do go back home life will come in, more responsibility etc and you might never find the chance to have such a trip. Imagine you go back and you do get back together with this girl. Knowing what you know now wouldn't you always be afraid to go traveling because you might lose her. Is it possible that these travels are serving a bigger purpose then just seeing the world? Personally If I was on a trip across some places I would love to visit I think it would be healing. I mean yeah, it would be tough but at the same time you are living the cure (new experiences) Take someone who is stationary in life, same job, same home, same commute, same town, same life, BIG VOID where same partner goes. This person will sit in the VOID everyday and the void will touch all the other parts of this person life. I don't know. It seems refreshing to be on such a trip, I wish I could do it. Good luck man. Let us know what you do.
Ronni_W Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 What would YOU do?! It's not like I'm cancelling the rest of the trip, just putting it on hold, Tough one! What were your original goals and desires when you planned this trip? If it is that your current mindset will no longer fully support your original intentions, then may as well go home?...regardless of any conscious or subconscious needs and wants about the girl? OTOH. Staying under the circumstances will offer you many golden opportunities to become more self-reliant, yes? Increased self-confidence, independence, self-esteem, etc., and all of that. Which is almost like, given what's happened so far, what are your NEW goals and desires for yourself, for your own growth and development? And then. Where will YOU be best able to meet and fulfill YOUR current life plan? On which continent is it going to be easier for you to keep yourself motivated and energized to do that? Good luck -- sending Wisdom and Courage to help you in your decision-making.
Author Riffmeister General Posted January 26, 2009 Author Posted January 26, 2009 Goatsbreath - I've got 6 months left on my visa, and I'm working in Whistler to pay the bills, but work's dried up (terrible season here!) and I was planning to move on anyway. The trouble is the next leg of the trip was visiting my cousin in Toronto, and my ex was supposed to be joining me there! Not a nice prospect. Can't really cut it out cos that's just bloody rude. My buddy is coming out in a couple of weeks, but I'm not looking forward to it cos every time we talk about it; arrival times, picking him up, what we'll do etc etc, it just brings back all the memories of planning when my ex was visiting. Not fair on my mate at all! I know, I sound like a whiney little sh*t and millions of people would love to be in my situation, but it's just the wrong time for me, I think. Like I say, it may be the end of my time in Canada, but I'm not planning on going back and settling down there. The recession's hit hard so I will struggle to find work anyway. I'll be off again before the year ends, but hopefully in a more positive frame of mind. Is it weird that the thought of being in the same country as her makes me feel anxious? I don't live near her. Ronni - I've thought a lot about my goals and desires, but it's difficult to untangle them from the confusion. Originally, I was going to come out here for a year, but if something happened here that made me stay (job, a girl etc), I would. Then I hooked up with this girl before I left, and my goals completely changed. Sadly, I now realise the whole time we were together I was just marking days off the calendar until I saw her again, not making the most of my time here. I know now that I have the opportunity to do just that, and that she was probably holding me back if anything, but the bitter irony is now I don't relish that opportunity. I don't want it anymore; it's because I'm here that the whole thing broke up, although I'm not resentful towards myself or this place for that. Longer term I'm going to guitar college, become a properly qualified session player rather than winging it, be in the band, treat it like a business and so on, and I think that was always the case, but before I came here, it was all disposable if something came up here. Now I have the opportunity to find something like that, I'm almost deliberately not looking because my heart just isn't in it anymore. I have learned, however, over the past couple of weeks reading this book, that I really need to get over some issues that being here will help me to do - fear of rejection, negative self-image, dependency. I guess looking over the edge into the abyss is really scary and I don't wanna take that leap. There's so much to look forward to going back to, but I guess the root of the fear lies in the fact that if I carry on and it ends up being a waste of time, I've got to go back and I'll be stuck there. At least going back now it's on my terms and I can jet off somewhere else when I feel ready. Kind of the best of both worlds I guess. I'm just not stable enough mentally to challenge myself in those areas I mentioned yet. Maybe that's it...?
nature Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 At least going back now it's on my terms and I can jet off somewhere else when I feel ready. Kind of the best of both worlds I guess. I'm just not stable enough mentally to challenge myself in those areas I mentioned yet. Maybe that's it...? If you are not feeling mentally able to carry on travelling, then do not force yourself. Life changes, and things come up, as has happened for you. If it feels better to go back to England and get grounded, then do it. Even if it's just for a month or two. Then you can always pick up and head out travelling again. Flights are cheap these days. So if you need a "break" from the loneliness of travelling, as well as the heartache you endured while travelling, then go home. Regroup. Have a break. Do not force yourself to carry on this trip. If the prospect of travelling around Canada just seems dismal to you right now, then it is not the right time to do it. You will just be more miserable. Sometimes it's just not the right time to do something, no matter what anyone else tells you. I remember a few yrs ago. I was going thru problems in my relationship, so I took off to the tropics for a wk with friends. I thought it would be good for me. And instead, I was miserable. It made the sadness and loneliness even worse being away. It compounded the loneliness being out in the big wide world. Rather than making the loneliness go away. Even tho i was in a gorgeous place, going out with friends, drinking, partying, having guys hit on me, etc....I was miserable. All I wanted to do was go home. And all I wanted to do was check my email to see if my "problem boyfriend" at the time had emailed me. I will never forget that trip. It just showed me that you cannot run away from your problems. Now I've gone on other trips since, and had the most amazing time. Because it was the right time. So don't let anyone make you feel like you are foolish for cutting your travels short. And to be honest, Toronto sucks in March and is cold. And Canada is fairly boring in the spring. Summer is much better to see it in. So you may just be more miserable travelling around. Go home, regroup, save your money from travelling around Canada....and start planning your next destination. Make it a fresh start. This trip has clearly been tainted for you. So start a new trip with a fresh perspective, without this underlying hurt. I'm behind you!
Author Riffmeister General Posted January 26, 2009 Author Posted January 26, 2009 At least going back now it's on my terms and I can jet off somewhere else when I feel ready. Kind of the best of both worlds I guess. I'm just not stable enough mentally to challenge myself in those areas I mentioned yet. Maybe that's it...? If you are not feeling mentally able to carry on travelling, then do not force yourself. Life changes, and things come up, as has happened for you. If it feels better to go back to England and get grounded, then do it. Even if it's just for a month or two. Then you can always pick up and head out travelling again. Flights are cheap these days. So if you need a "break" from the loneliness of travelling, as well as the heartache you endured while travelling, then go home. Regroup. Have a break. Do not force yourself to carry on this trip. If the prospect of travelling around Canada just seems dismal to you right now, then it is not the right time to do it. You will just be more miserable. Sometimes it's just not the right time to do something, no matter what anyone else tells you. I remember a few yrs ago. I was going thru problems in my relationship, so I took off to the tropics for a wk with friends. I thought it would be good for me. And instead, I was miserable. It made the sadness and loneliness even worse being away. It compounded the loneliness being out in the big wide world. Rather than making the loneliness go away. Even tho i was in a gorgeous place, going out with friends, drinking, partying, having guys hit on me, etc....I was miserable. All I wanted to do was go home. And all I wanted to do was check my email to see if my "problem boyfriend" at the time had emailed me. I will never forget that trip. It just showed me that you cannot run away from your problems. Now I've gone on other trips since, and had the most amazing time. Because it was the right time. So don't let anyone make you feel like you are foolish for cutting your travels short. And to be honest, Toronto sucks in March and is cold. And Canada is fairly boring in the spring. Summer is much better to see it in. So you may just be more miserable travelling around. Go home, regroup, save your money from travelling around Canada....and start planning your next destination. Make it a fresh start. This trip has clearly been tainted for you. So start a new trip with a fresh perspective, without this underlying hurt. I'm behind you! Nature, whoever the hell you are, you're clearly a grounded, switched on individual. I think those were exactly the words I needed to hear. Not a vindication for me running away from my problems, but a rational critique of the situation, allowing me to realise that going home isn't running away, it isn't avoiding solving the personal problems that are far above the break-up itself (as all the REAL pain of a breakup is), but it's putting me in a position to deal with these issues without the fog of the breakup making it more complicated. It's saving the experience of traveling so it doesn't remain like a bitter taste in my mouth and something I'll never want to do again, but giving me the opportunity to experience it as it should be, a personal exploration and expansion of the self, when I'm strong enough to do it. A debt of gratitude to you.
Recommended Posts