onemorecupofcoffee Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Does anyone think this is crazy-- we broke up because he had mixed feelings and wasn't sure if he wanted to work it out or chill out, BUT he just HAD to say: "I still have feelings... don't think I don't..." It was long distance, it wasn't working... but I care about him so much and I CAN'T MOVE ON until I know his "feelings" are gone... why is that??? I can't move on until I can say for sure, "we wouldn't have worked out." It kills me because I have so many excuses for the failure: it's the distance, it's his maturity, it was too hard for him right now... but given time and better circumstances we would have been so happy together... It kills me because I can't move on.......
Alex_M Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 It seems I feel similar and that the only way I'll move on is by meeting someone better.
Ronni_W Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I can't move on until I can say for sure, "we wouldn't have worked out." You could look at it from the other side: If it WOULD HAVE worked out, you'd still be together -- your evidence that it would NOT have worked out is that it has not worked out. That is your proof positive. In reality, nothing more is needed. The reason that you can't move on is because that is what you are telling yourself. If you DID know that his feelings for you are completely gone, then you'd focus on the "what ifs" and "if onlys" to stay stuck instead of move forward. It IS possible to move on without collecting any more "facts and evidence". It's a choice that you need to make with your mind, though (not just let your emotions run your whole show about it, I mean.) It sucks that you broke up. Sending hugs and healing.
not_a_happy_camper Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 hi coffee, I don't know your full story. you say "we broke up", and I'm guessing from what you've said that it was based on his feelings, and not yours. How long have you been broken up and have you stayed in contact? From what you've said, it seems that YOU are the only one thinking you could have worked out. you say he had mixed feelings. Did you? How does he feel now? I have been going through a lot of the same kind of thoughts for the past few months.......................if we lived nearer, might have worked..............if I'd said this instead of that, we might have worked. etc, etc. the point is, as has been said above, if it was meant to work it would have worked. My ex wanted out.......................he made that clear, and no amount of wondering about how things MIGHT have worked out is going to help. they didn't. and unless that person is indicating to you that they still want things to work, chances are...................they won't.
Author onemorecupofcoffee Posted January 25, 2009 Author Posted January 25, 2009 Thank you everyone for your responses! They help in that way that a kick in the butt would help for me to get out of this... but at the same time I need to know what everyone thinks about the fact that he STILL HAD FEELINGS FOR ME when we broke up??? And he wanted to stay friends. Truth is-- he wanted some time to think about his feelings and what he wanted to do; he didn't want to break up. But I told him it would be torture for me to just wait around while he decided whether he thought I was worth it. But he said he didn't just want to throw everything out the window, but at the same time he had mixed feelings and wasn't sure what he wanted to do. So in a way, I forced his hand by saying that we needed to separate and he could let me know if he figures anything out.. and that's when he said "I still have feelings... don't think I don't..." - in that single phrase, he basically forces me to keep in mind that his feelings for me are not gone... and therefore I can't let go. And we've talked once since the breakup (new years' eve), friendly with just enough amount of shyness/tension to suspect that both of us aren't over. It's killing me.
not_a_happy_camper Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 ok now I see where you're coming from. He appears to still have feelings for you, and perhaps he does. but he hasn't done anything to verbalise this to you. therefore perhaps he still has feelings but they're not strong enough for him to want to make it happen? this happens! I think you did the right thing in bringing about the break because he was uncertain. why should you hang around to wait and find out? but it sounds like you took it for granted that he'd come back. I think if he wanted to be with you, he'd have let you know by now. however, I also think it's unfortunate that he wouldn't let you know the opposite either, given that you were allowing him the time to think. I don't know what is better in this case................continue NC and let him come to you if he wants to? which leaves you wondering, since you don't have closure.................or contact him, and prepare yourself for the worst...............though that would probably give you closure. you'll have to weigh up the pros and cons.
Ronni_W Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 he said "I still have feelings... don't think I don't..." - in that single phrase, he basically forces me to No, his words do NOT have the power to "force you" to do anything -- all the real power is in your own mind...it's what you're thinking, and how you're processing your thoughts, that is forcing you to obsess on his words. Your thought patterns are killing you. Kinda like mental suicide, I guess . Other possibility: He said that BECAUSE HE KNEW you would then become obsessed over it, and he'd be able to keep you hanging in case his Plan A didn't work out for him. He knew the best button to push and, sure enough, you've reacted just as he'd planned and hoped. If this is the case, it's still that YOU ARE ALLOWING him to manipulate you with his childish mind games. Again, it is YOUR mind that you can use to maintain your own power and control over your side of things. Other possibility: He didn't say "romantic" feelings or "I want to be with you" feelings. As camper pointed out, he certainly hasn't said or done anything that even suggests that those are the kinds of feelings to which he was referring. It can just be "I hope the rest of your life doesn't suck" kind of feelings. Again, it is your own mind that is giving (or trying to give) significance to his words that he may never have intended. Your own thoughts can "kill you" or they can liberate you. Your choice, though, of what thoughts you are going to hold and nurture. Coffee, I know it's difficult to not believe everything we tell ourselves, that offer the illusion of hope. But sometimes the wise play is to be super-strong about not getting caught up in the false hopes that we're so good at conjuring up for ourselves. It's mental BS, a mind trick that you're playing on yourself...be courageous and brave about not falling for any of it. Hugs and good luck.
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