Alex_M Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 We broke up 3-4 months ago. Spoke to her up till two weeks ago. She acted like everything was fine. She new I had my facebook deactivated. Posted her relationship status and picture of her kissing new BF. Stopped contacting me for 2 weeks. Activated facebook to see if she was ok. Sit here in anger as she told me there was nothing happening between them. I don't care that there is, I care that she disrespected me by lying. But I guess we aren't together so I don't need to be told the truth in her eyes. Conflicting Love/Hate emotions, feel like killing. Don't know why, perfectly acceptable, it's been 3 months. What can I do to cope with this better?
PinkToes Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Hey Alex, sorry you're going through this. I apologize for not knowing the details of your story, but it sounds like she was trying to spare your feelings. Doesn't mean it's OK to lie, but she probably had good intentions in this case. I guess all you can really do is go back to strict NC, and try to let the emotions run right through your head. Try not to fuel the anger, try not to let your mind go off on tangents or imagine the worst. Don't let yourself think about what she might be doing. Just feel it when it bubbles up and then move on to something else. Exercise helps, working out until you're exhausted. Mostly you just have to wait it out, and it will lessen over time. Good luck.
Ronni_W Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Conflicting Love/Hate emotions, feel like killing. I agree with PinkToes that a good possibility is that your ex knew or at least suspected that you'd react to the truth with "hate emotions" and anger. Sparing herself from all of that, really, as well as perhaps sparing you, too. You're also right that [1] she's not obligated to tell you (or anyone, for that matter) the truth, if she doesn't want to and [2], the flipside of [1] -- you're not entitled to receive the truth from her (or anyone, for that matter.) People get to choose for themselves whether or not to be honest and trustworthy, according to their own values and principles (however screwed-up we may judge those to be.) How to cope better? Possibly consider if feeling hateful and angry is what you want for yourself...is that how you prefer to feel? And. Do you want to give ANYone else the power to make you feel so hostile and crappy?
LittleDove Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 No doubt she was underhanded, BUT probably because in her own way she didnt want to hurt you. People generally do what they think is best at the time. I would reccomend you go NC and get YOURSELF happy and dont even peek at her FB account, it hurts, I know, I looked at my Ex's a few times. Time to LET GO, and move on to a happier place:) A few months ago I felt terrible too- happiness comes back, and they become a distant memory....but go NC. For YOU.
northstar1 Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 We broke up 3-4 months ago. Spoke to her up till two weeks ago. She acted like everything was fine. She new I had my facebook deactivated. Posted her relationship status and picture of her kissing new BF. Stopped contacting me for 2 weeks. Activated facebook to see if she was ok. Sit here in anger as she told me there was nothing happening between them. I don't care that there is, I care that she disrespected me by lying. But I guess we aren't together so I don't need to be told the truth in her eyes. Conflicting Love/Hate emotions, feel like killing. Don't know why, perfectly acceptable, it's been 3 months. What can I do to cope with this better? Sorry to hear that dude. As a previous poster said, perhaps she wanted to spare your feelings by not telling you. You may never know why she chose not to tell you, but again, at this point you don't need to know what she's up to. Myspace/Facebook and ex's do not mesh well. It's about the same mental torture as sitting outside their house trying to get a peek at their new life. I'd recommend dropping her as a friend on it and carry on with your life.
Author Alex_M Posted January 24, 2009 Author Posted January 24, 2009 Thanks for the input. She was really one of the "True Love" one's for me. I'm over hurting, it's mainly just bitterness and betrayal left. On a side note, if she contacts me, what the hell do I say?
Ronni_W Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 if she contacts me, what the hell do I say? "Please don't contact me again. It isn't good for my healing and recovery." No need to add anything more. Whatever you do end up saying, though, do your best to maintain your own dignity and self-respect -- the view from the 'high road' is ALWAYS better
Trialbyfire Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 What can I do to cope with this better? It's time to walk away and seriously move on. She shouldn't have lied to you directly. If she hadn't told you anything, that's her right since the two of you weren't in a relationship.
eDave Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I totally agree with Ronni (and thanks Ronni as I needed to know what to say to my ex if she contacts me) Sorry you are going through this. I really am. No one should have too. Yes, she was letting you down gently. At least she didn't really stick to you, which is a good thing. She has 'some' feelings. But in the end, it is what it is so you really have no choice but to accept it, as hard as it is. If there are issues with her, take comfort in the fact that they will resurface and this new guy will run, run, run. NC really is for you and that means no viewing facebook as well. You are not to have any contact what-so-ever. If you do, you will be set back in healing and that is what you should now concentrate on.
Author Alex_M Posted January 24, 2009 Author Posted January 24, 2009 Well I asked her, during a confusion period "Do you like this guy?". She said "No he's just a friend." Either way, whatever. This guy sounds like a bit of a loser. Seems like she's rebounding from me (equalled the attention I gave her, with my friends), to this new guy (way too much attention and doing everything for her.) NO CONTACT GOOOOOOOOOO!
Peter_pan Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 sorry to hear that mate, be glad she wasnt with someone after 3 weeks. consider yourself lucky.
EmperorR Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 How about being engaged fiancé cheats on you and dumps you and a week later starts dating another guy not the one she cheated on you with. And heads up it's always the "friend" you have to worry about a girl and a guy just can't become good friends so quickly. Heck if I got through it so can you, block her on facebook go no contact no it was for the best you don't want a women like this trust me.
Weird Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 I say she was simply bring selfish not trying to spare your feelings and stuff. Lying to people is silly and had she just told you the truth you'd have not been as angry. I understand the situation since I have gone through some similar recently. There is really no point in talking to her if she is seeing some new dude and the fact she lied to you shows just what she thinks of you. I mean you were bound to find out eventually so the lying makes no sense.
lonelygurl Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 I honesly wish I had the answer for you, but I can tell you I have been where you are and I foolishly allowed the same man back into my life and I am now back in the same spot, and I'm quite sure he has followed the same pattern as the first time. As with my X, I'm sure she lied to spare your feelings and for her to also deal with her guilt. Personally I am coming to the conclusion that these are cold, heartless people that really truly don't know the true meaning of love. You are going to have good and bad days. I fantasize about my X dieing in some really bad way like getting some sexual disease from all the whores he's been with to try to make myself feel better. Sorry you are hurting.
You'reasian Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 What can I do to cope with this better? Decide to move on. Go out, meet new people and do what you enjoy doing. The bump and grind of your hobbies, whether professional or personal, will keep your mindset focused and your body active.
BackonTrack2 Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
sad&lonely Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 The thing is even if she told you she was more then friends with this guy you would be hurting the exact same way, your ex who you still have feelings for is with someone else now this hurts no matter how you look at it. iam in the exact same boat right now.. i have cried, had anxiety attacks, reoccuring thoughts.. im slowly getting better, but some days i wonder. try to keep busy, go out with people just dont sit home and think what your ex is doing etc.. this one is a killer to your mental health
Author Alex_M Posted January 26, 2009 Author Posted January 26, 2009 Thanks again at all the replies, it's really nice to hear from people. Why do we always think that the ones we love are different from the others? Anyway, i'm going to go talk to my doctor tomorrow to just have a chat about how i'm feeling. When I'm at work I feel worse, is that normal? Everyone tells me keeping busy should make you feel better, but it feels like i'm avoiding the problem and it's always niggling at me unless I think about it clearly and look at it objectively which makes me feel better.
xero Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 I'll tell you the tail end of my story since it's similar: Gf and I were apart but I was trying to get her back. One day in September I talked to her face to face and spent an hour telling her how much I loved her and her response was to set up a time for us to get ice cream the following week. Well, before that even happened she met another guy (as I found out) and ended up cancelling our ice cream citing "being busy" as the reason. Well I said BS and made her come talk to me. She denied liking this guy and denied talking to anyone. She said she needed to be single for a long time and wasn't sleeping with anyone, just "meeting new people". Didn't speak to her after that but guess what? As of December she was already in a relationship with this guy (motorcycle driving karate instructor - yank) and is in what SHE calls "love". Well that made 3 people she "loved" in ONE YEAR. People have no idea what love is, she's probably enjoying this guy for shallow reasons (sex, company, excitement, etc) and really has no idea what LOVE is. She doesn't even know what that is from my point of view. BUT I will tell you that things get better with time.
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