prettygirl081 Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Hi, well I'm new here and I guess like everyone else here I am looking for a solution to my problem. It's a long story so I'm sorry if it takes ages to read but I really need advice!! Ok, so I was with this guy (we'll call him ex1) for three years, we lived together and were looking at buying a house together. I have a daughter from a previous marriage that he absolutely loves and treated like his own. He has no kids of his own. Because we were looking at buying a house I took on a second job just to boost the savings - I was leaving my daughter at home with him while I was at the second job. After about 4 or 5 months of this he decided that he couldnt handle the responsibility (or maybe that was an excuse) and he went out to a brothel and paid to have sex with two of the employees there. He broke up with me a month later - didnt tell me why but just that he'd decided I wasnt what he wanted after all. I found out through another mate that went with him that night about 3 months after the event with the hookers. As you can imagine I was devastated and never wanted to talk to him again! I spent the next 8 months with another guy (ex2) .... but thats a whole different story!! In this time of seeing ex2 I became friends with ex1... maybe 6 months after swearing I'd never talk to him again. I went out one night with some girlfriends and ended up meeting up with ex1 as he was also out. Nothing happened with him because when I am with someone I am loyal to them, so it was strictly plutonic and I made that very clear to him (didnt stop him trying it on me though!) I also have an honesty policy... I believe if there is something I dont want to tell my partner because they might get upset with me then that is the things I should be telling them!!! So I told ex2 that I saw ex1 and that we'd had a few drinks etc etc. Ex2 and I have not been together since that day. He was rather jealous and didnt understand that I was telling him so he didnt find out some other way and also didnt understand that if I had something to hide no way in hell would I be telling him I saw ex1!! Anyways - while I was with ex2, ex1 said a few things to me and other people which made me suspect he'd begun to think he'd made a mistake with breaking up with me. I have now been single for 4 months and have casually been seeing ex1 for a little bit now. I have realised that I am still in love with him... that I always loved him and that ex2 was probably nothing more than a distraction for a while. Now ex1 is saying that he wants me back. I don't know what to do. In the time we were apart he had some fun with different girls every week and stuff like that but he tells me now he could never start anything serious with anyone because they weren't me. He's not telling me he's changed which is ok with me because words mean nothing anyway. Everyone else (guys and girlfriends who are mutual friends) have been telling me that he has changed so much in the last 6 months, he is not interested in partying anymore (still does occassionally but not every night) and is not interested in picking up girls anymore. (keep in mind I was still with ex2 while this change started so it wasn't for my sake he did it because I was off limits, he's changed himself because he wants to) When I talk to him he tells me he doesnt want to be the person that he was, that he never ever wants to hurt me again and that he knows he screwed up with me big time. I asked what he wants from me and his response was "it's not about what I want, I made too many mistakes with you for it to be about what I want". He seems to be trying his hardest and is being honest with me about everything. He had a boys night after work one night and called me next morning to tell me they'd been to the strippers. All that I could think was that he hasn't changed after all, but his reason for calling and telling me was so I wouldnt find out through someone else. He wanted to be honest. In the past he wouldn't have told me and would have made sure noone ever mentioned it in front of me. I know he wants to be with me and I have no doubts he loves me and that I love him but is this enough?? I guess what I want to know is do people really change? He's doing everything right now but If I got back together with him would things go back to how they used to be? Can I ever trust him again? Will I ever be able to completely forgive? I cant be in a relationship without trust it's just not me. He is 2 years younger than me, he's just turned 26, he was 21 when we got together. Did he need that time to grow up and realise that he had everything he needed with me and that I am what he wanted after all??? I can't get hurt again, every time you get hurt it takes a bit from you and you can never return to be the person you were before. Every time you get hurt it makes you not want to love again for fear of getting hurt. I don't want to be cold hearted and not capable of loving. After last time it took a while to come back out of the hole and my daughter suffered, my work suffered. Next time will be worse. There is probably more to this story that I have forgotten but as I think of them I will post them.
Ria10 Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Because we were looking at buying a house I took on a second job just to boost the savings - I was leaving my daughter at home with him while I was at the second job. After about 4 or 5 months of this he decided that he couldnt handle the responsibility (or maybe that was an excuse) and he went out to a brothel and paid to have sex with two of the employees there. He broke up with me a month later - I asked what he wants from me and his response was "it's not about what I want, I made too many mistakes with you for it to be about what I want". I know he wants to be with me and I have no doubts he loves me and that I love him but is this enough?? I'd say, keep your contact with ex1 very limited, and make a point of getting out and meeting other guys, give yourself a chance to fall in love with somebody new, so that you don't get too emotionally wrapped up in this one guy who has hurt you in the past, and could easily hurt you again. Maybe the strong feelings of love that you're having are more about your longing to redeem the pain that you felt with him in the past, as opposed to the realization that he's the best man for you in the future. (I don't know... just something to consider). The fact that you didn't love ex2 as deeply as you loved ex1 doesn't mean that ex1 is necessarily "the one" or that you couldn't love somebody new even more deeply one day. But, at the same time, there's no harm in keeping your eyes open, with limited contact, to see if ex1 can prove through his actions that he truly has grown up, changed, or whatever else you would need for the long term. Like you said, it's not about their words, but their actions.
Author prettygirl081 Posted January 24, 2009 Author Posted January 24, 2009 Thanks Ria... I have been doing that to an extent... I do not make myself readily available for him everytime he wants to see me. Sometimes I'll make him wait a week before going to his place or letting him come to mine. I think that is the key here, as soon as I am 100% available to him he may go back to how he used to be. If I keep going this way for a while then I may be able to tell if he really has grown up before getting deeply involved again. I go out with my girlfriends... I don't drink anymore but I still go to pubs and clubs because I love to dance. I do kind of talk to guys but I never give out my phone number and when I get a number I never call. It's bad I know because I am not giving myself that chance to meet someone that may be Mr Right. But at moment I dont think I could meet anyone anyway... it is not fair to them when I am obviously in love with someone else. Maybe you are right maybe it is about the longing to redeem the pain. I hadnt actually thought about that!
SRV Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I want to apologize in advance because this may sound harsh. All between this drama, btw your ex1 and ex2 I see no mention about the best interest of your child. I have no doubt that you are a great mom and caring for your child with the best of your ability. Children need stability and not to be bounced from one man to the next. I would suggest, and forgive me if you are already doing it, that you keep these men away from the child until you decide to totally settle for one. This is for the child's developmental benefit. This can have some serious psychological effects on the child that you might not be aware of in the long run. Please pick up some books on child development or talk to a professional about the effects of it that it could have on your child. Either way, I wish you the best in your choice.
Author prettygirl081 Posted January 24, 2009 Author Posted January 24, 2009 I am very aware of the effects this has on my child, I understand that it effects her just as much as it effects me. With ex1 I waited 6 months before introducing her to him, ex2 sucked me in big time and said and did all the right things to make me believe he was it but you can only keep that act up for so long before it starts to fall apart. I thought that because he had a child of his own he would understand but apparently it doesnt happen that way. I am not stupid when it comes to my daughter and she is the most important thing in my life, I will do what ever I can to keep her from getting hurt. The reason she was only breifly mentioned in my post was because this post was not about her. Thank you for your imput.
tbug Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 why does a man come back after his affair...you beg and beg....then you start letting go and suddenly he wants to come back./...
Dexter Morgan Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 I guess what I want to know is do people really change? Most everyone will say, yes to that question. I say no. I think cheaters can make good on the promise to not physically cross any boundaries, but deep down, they are still cheaters to me. they may not ever cheat again, but I think they'd really like to if they knew there is absolutely no way they would ever get caught or would if the perfect opportunity arose.
Author prettygirl081 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 well I just thought I would give an update.... I have called it off with him again. As hard as it was to do but I promised myself that I would trust my own instincts after all the crap that has happened with everything. I found out last night that he is on the plenty of fish website (for those of you that dont know it it is a dating website)and has been messaging other girls, the messages havent been saying much except that he saw thier profiles and that he likes what he saw and that if they wanna chat then send him a message. I confronted him about it and all he said was that he likes to chat and that he never actually plans to meet up with them. The thing is though he is making sure that the girls he chooses to chat to are within a certain distance from where he lives. If he never planned to meet up then he wouldnt care about their location would he? So anyway's I spoke to him today again and told him I've made up my mind and that I cant see him anymore, as much as I wanted it to work I will never trust him and I think I have every right not to. After I told him all that he told me that he had cancelled the account today anyway because he didnt want to cause problems between us and I checked and it is not there anymore. Has he done this just because I found out??? Maybe he really did just like chatting to people??
Author prettygirl081 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 yea i know your right, and I know I have made the right choice I just guess I dont want it to be the right choice. You don't get a 2nd chance with me to just screw up again and it is only a matter of time before he did and this whole plenty of fish thing has just proved he will. So while I'm sad about it I'm glad to get out before I do get hurt.
Author prettygirl081 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 Hehehehe..... he is a car salesman.... he knows how to lie!!! He is just an idiot. Maybe he was doing it all just to prove to himself that he could get me back if he wanted to. Anyways, yes there is plenty of places to chat that is not all about dating and when I confronted him about it he tried telling me it is no different to me being on facebook or no different to some random guy walking up to me at a pub and giving me his phone number. That was his way of justifying that it was ok. However, the people I chat to on facebook are girls and guys that I actually know in one way or another from school or work or through car racing etc and the random guys that give me their numbers when I go out I dont keep their numbers, i never call them and it was them coming up to me and giving it to me. It was not me going to them and asking for it. After the last partner I had I made a silent promise to myself and to my daughter.... I promised that I would trust myself and my own instincts and that if something doesnt feel right then I would end it. I promised that I would never let myself or my daughter get hurt again and I need to stick to that.
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