sparklee Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Ok..so this is going to be kind of long, but I don't know how else to get everything out in the open so you guys can help me... I am a 25 year old female and I have been with my boyfriend/fiance, Mason, for exactly 10 years. We were high school sweethearts, then went to separate colleges where we had a long distance relationship for about 4 years. Although, I still got to see him at least every week or two. Well, now I have been back in my hometown now for about a year and a half...finally we have been able to have a "normal" relationship. I was counting the days before we could live together and get married! I wanted to be engaged so bad I couldn't hardly stand it! But Mason just wasn't quite ready... Mason and I have many differences, he is an outdoorsman, I prefer the a/c....I love to dance and sing, he hates music...he's not a very romantic person, and I definitely am....and most importantly (to me anyway) we are very different sexually. I am very open minded and want to try new things such as toys, watching porn together, things that I think are completely normal for a couple to experiment trying to "spice up" a 10 year relationship. However, he is not open minded to these things at all and makes me feel so down and bad about myself everytime I bring them up. It's not that I want to experiment every time, just sometimes for fun. So, I moved home in August '07, and by Feb. '08 I was a raging hornball. I wanted sex all the time. And although Mason and I were having sex on a regular basis, I just wasn't feeling satisfied. So I looked to the internet. I know, I know, I am a bad person for doing it, but I was looking to "cam" with other men just for fun, and just for one time flings. Now that I look back, I know this is technically cheating, but at the time I didn't seem to think so... Well, I ran across this one guy, Roy, that I seemed to have a lot in common with, and who was going through the same exact thing as I was! His relationship was only 2 years instead of 10, but everything else was identical! We ended up "camming", talking, and getting to know each other. I ended up giving him my number in the heat of the moment one night, and then we ended up texting on a regular basis. Still, we both knew it was just for fun only. Nothing else. After a couple of months of this, I really started to care for this guy. But I put it in the back of my head and knew nothing would ever come of it. I loved Mason and someday soon he will come around and we can get married. I told myself there would be no more Roy as soon as we reach that level of commitment. Mine and Roy's texts were usually just playing around talking about how horny we were and exchanging fantasies that our significant others were not into. After about 8 months of "texing", Roy broke things off with his girlfriend. However, things stayed the same for us... (I later found out he broke up with her because of his feelings for me.) A couple of weeks later, Mason proposed to me. I said yes. I deleted all of Roy's pictures out of my phone and told myself that's it; no more. The next day I told Roy what had happend, and right then he confessed his love for me. Word for word it was exactly what I had been feeling for him. We both knew we were brought into one another's lives for a reason. We had already been sort of planning on meeting eventually. However, once we knew we felt the same about one another, we decided to hurry up and meet so we could see if it was real before I went any further with my fiance. The weekend we met could not have been more perfect. I truly feel we are soulmates. However, I truly love my fiance as well... But I ultimately decided if I am cheating on my fiance, I must not love him enough to be with him forever... And it's not fair at all to him for me to continue cheating on him. The other night, I confessed to Mason that I was "scared" of getting married and that I just don't quite feel ready. He tried to be understanding, but he ended up getting mad.. Reason being, for years all I wanted was to be engaged, and now that he did, I am wanting to hold off. He insists that he is 100% ready and so thrilled about us being together forever...no doubts at all. Unfortunately, I can't say the same. I love him with all my heart...but I am not sure if I am "in love" with him anymore... I know you're thinking, ok, if you're not in love with him anymore, then go with the other guy...but it's more difficult than that. Mason is the greatest person I have ever met. He gives me anything I want...spoils me really, loves me so much, has a huge heart, just everything you could want in a guy... It's just our dang differences get in the way. No doubt, I could look past the sexual differences along with the other differences...that was my intentions in the first place. But it's like now I have a taste of something better....much much better. And now I want it. To get it, not only would I have to break Mason's heart, but my families, his families, my friends, co-workers, etc... All these people would be absolutely shocked if I broke off our engagement! They all know how long I've wanted it! It would be different if I had a reason...but I don't. Other than we have "differences" and I am just not feeling as strongly as I was before. I feel like I would be marrying him because that's what I am supposed to do to live a happy cookie cutter life....not because he is the LOVE of my life. Make any sense at all? Roy is currently in an academy and has to stay there for two years. He just started... He told me he would be willing to quit and come to where I live if that's what it took, but I don't want him to give up his only shot at his dream career. If he quit now, he'd never get accepted back in. So, do you think I am crazy to be willing to end a 9 year relationship, shock the hell out of everyone in my life, and move a few hours away for a couple of years until he got out of school and could move back here with me? What's your thoughts on my crazy situation? Boy do I have myself in a pickle.... I know I am a horrible person for doing this to Mason, I feel absolutely horrible. No matter what, I cannot confess to Mason that I have cheated on him. No way, no how. I am honestly scared to think of what he would do... Roy and I have never ever cheated on anyone, and we have already had hard conversations about trust and how we would be as a couple... I know it will not be perfect and easy... There is so much more to say, but hopefully this is enough information to go on. Please be blunt but nice when answering.
Haner Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I think you should break off the engagement. It's not fair to Mason. If you were engaged to be with Roy and you found out he was cheating on you with someone else, how would you feel? Would you want to continue with the engagement?
norajane Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I love him with all my heart...but I am not sure if I am "in love" with him anymore... You haven't been in love with him for a long, long time. Since before you started cheating. Your first love is rarely your last one. If Mason is as wonderful as you say, he deserves to marry someone who is IN LOVE with him and who does see him as the love of her life. It's not fair to marry him when you don't feel that way. Marriage is not a wedding and honeymoon and playing house - it's a lifetime commitment to be partners in whatever life brings your way for the rest of your life. And you want to start that lifetime with him with a HUGE LIE about CHEATING between you as a foundation?? If you couldn't handle your differences in your sexual preferences for a year to the point that you had to cheat, what makes you think you won't cheat again and again and again after 5, 10, 20, 40 years of the exact same sex life you have now?
Ronni_W Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 do you think I am crazy to be willing to end a 9 year relationship, shock the hell out of everyone in my life, and move a few hours away for a couple of years until he got out of school and could move back here with me? No, I don't think you're crazy to be willing to do that. I think it would take courage, but that's not the same as "crazy". Important, though, is if YOU think it would be a crazy thing to do. Because most likely you'll hear from many, many people in your life that it IS crazy, so you will need to be confident in your decision to be able to help them understand...or tell them to back off and let you live your own life your own way. I agree with NJ, that you haven't been in love with Mason for a quite some time. Being married to someone you love like a good friend or brother is just not worth the price -- just my own guess, but sounds like Mason can easily end up being that to you. It's a significant relationship, for sure, but not for a marriage. Good luck -- sending confidence, courage and everything else you will need to make a wise decision that supports your own deepest desires.
Tony Posted January 24, 2009 Senior Moderators Posted January 24, 2009 As you may know, our site is subject to Google searches like everything else on the web. If you used actual names of the parties in your post above and any one of them or any others Google "Sparklee" along with their name (many members here give out the user names they use on the Internet) they will get a link to this site and this thread. I am assuming you considered the above when you posted. Many people write to us months or years later asking that threads be removed because real names were used. If you want this thread removed because you used real names, please write us using the "Contact Us" utility at the bottom of this page. Thanks! Back on topic, please...
haplo777 Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 What drove you to start chatting online? Did you ever tell Mason about that? My wife has caught me doing that, and doing up to the degree that you have, (camming no, phone and pictures yes) and she considered it cheating.....
lkjh Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Be honest with Mason and break it off. Otherwise he will keep trying to win you back. Remember, life is not just about you. Everything in your post just screams me me me me me. Do not marry Mason! Tell him the truth, he deserves it. He has given you ten years of his life, the least you can do is be honest with him. Do you even care about him? What if you gave him a STD?
Author sparklee Posted January 25, 2009 Author Posted January 25, 2009 Do you even care about him? What if you gave him a STD? Of course I care about him!! He has been my everything for all these years!! I would do anything to feel the way I feel for Roy, for Mason...but I can't force my feelings. And I have been 100% safe with both of them. STD's are not a concern for me. I was at least considerate enough to make sure that was covered. I guess I realize even if mine and Roy's relationship doesn't work out, Mason and I are just not meant to be together. No doubt I would live a happy life with him, but that would be it...happy. I feel with Roy I would be fulfilled in all aspects of my life. It's just very depressing to know that all these years went by and I wasn't with who I thought was the man I was destined to be with forever... Now the hard part...how do I end such a long relationship? What can I do/say to him to make him still at least be my friend. Mason is technically my 'best friend'... I can't imagine not having him at least on speaking terms.
signedin2008 Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Now the hard part...how do I end such a long relationship? What can I do/say to him to make him still at least be my friend. Mason is technically my 'best friend'... I can't imagine not having him at least on speaking terms. Do you really think a slxx like you deserve Mason's love or even friendship after such betrayal? Seriously!
mark982 Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 not sure what you should say to him, but as he's your best friend,and all that other stuff. he deserves to be gently told. i'd leave out the other guy part though.
signedin2008 Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Now the hard part...how do I end such a long relationship? What can I do/say to him to make him still at least be my friend. Mason is technically my 'best friend'... I can't imagine not having him at least on speaking terms. It seems like verything is ALL about you, you wants, and your desire.
norajane Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Tell him that you were SO focused on your goal of getting married and getting what you wanted, that you failed to focus on HIM and your relationship. That your desire to get married wasn't about wanting to marry him and spend your life with him, but just wanting to get married. Which is why you wouldn't be a good wife to him. Because marriage is about a lot more than getting married; it's about being mature enough to make a lifetime commitment and you are FAR, FAR from mature enough to make that kind of choice. That marriage and love is about giving, and at this point in your life, you are too self-centered and selfish for that. That the only reason you two should get married is if you are focused on him, and you realize that you are only focused on yourself.
Vixxon Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 You should break off the engagement, obviously easier said than done. I was in your shoes and I didn’t break off the engagement. My husband and I are still together and I’m not really feeling the marriage thing. I thought that I was just having typical “cold feet”. I was afraid for the same reasons you listed; what would family and friends think, my parents were so excited. I’m still stuck in the same boat and now I feel stuck. I was 25 when I got engaged too! Our marriage lacks any kind of spark only after a couple of years of being married and I have no one to blame but myself. You seriously don’t want to be where I am now. As far as breaking it off I would just tell him the truth about feeling more like friends. I can’t believe you guys lasted all the way through college. Girl thats when you should have been having fun and finding yourself , maybe you would have figured out sooner what you wanted. Funny how I can give but not take my own advice!
lkjh Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 I think if he has stood by you all of these years and you really do care about him; then you should tell him the truth. Otherwise you just dont respect him. Whatever you do, make sure you brake it off. He really honestly deserves better. I don't mean to sound cruel but honestly you have used this poor guy and that is really a horrible thing to do to someone.
lkjh Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 After all don't you think it will be selfish to use some BS excuse to break up with him. For the rest of his life he will think he did something wrong. The truth will hurt now but in the long run it will do him good. I really do feel for him, just sitting here and thinking about how you have used him hurts me! Tell him the truth and let him go. At least give the poor guy this much respect.
carhill Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 I'll throw out some LS'isms... Fog of the affair Honeymoon phase Walkaway fiance OP, you pointed out some potential incompatibilities and some behavioral and interest differences between yourself and your fiance. I'll assume he's the only man you've ever been with romantically. What you're feeling is perfectly normal, even the part about Roy. The sticky wicket is whether it's healthy for you. The "honeymoon" phase with your fiance was different then it is with Roy, since you were a completely different person then. All the things you learned in your relationship with your fiance are brought to bear in this current experience with Roy. Think about that. Do you want to do this the healthy way? Feel good about yourself at the end? My suggestion would be to engage a PMC and open a dialogue with your fiance, an honest dialogue, and get some help with communicating and understanding each other as good as is possible for you. If you and Roy are soulmates and loves of each other's lives, you'll have that connection until you're dead and the tools you receive in PMC will help you, both for yourself and any other potential relationship, if you do not marry your fiance. You'll note I use the term "fiance" a lot here. This is because, like in a marriage, he's the person you've committed to and spent all of your young adult life with. That doesn't mean you owe him your life, but IMO you owe him the respect that such a committment commands. When you get to be old and grey, like I am, you'll be glad you did the right thing, even if it's painful now, like letting your fiance go in an honest and respectful way. I wish you well, no matter how this turns out or whom you end up with.
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 You know him better than any of us here. You should know the best way to talk to him about this situation. But I agree that he deserves to know he's being left for somebody else. I can't tell you how many posts I've seen on LS where somebody says somebody broke up with them, gave them a supposedly good reason, and then they found out later their ex was a big fat liar. I mean, really - with as many people as you guys know in common, he's going to find out. I think it's more respectful to be honest about it - save some face while you still can. Who knows? You might be able to get back some of your self-respect. But you can definitely be delicate about it without making it sound like you're leaving him because this new guy is better than him. But after 10 years, you should know the best way to communicate with your fiance - much better than a board full of strangers.
Ronni_W Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 What can I do/say to him to make him still at least be my friend. I would suggest to change your goal to only include the things that are within your control. Which is some version of, "How can I break-up with him in as kind and compassionate a way as possible?" That would also be you valuing him as a human being, independent of what he can/will contribute to your future happiness and contentment. You can say that you've recently realized that you two are not meant to be together. It is up to you whether or not you tell him that it is another man who facilitated this insight for you. You can, in any case, focus on the positives FOR MASON...that he will not end up being married to the "wrong" person. That is your positive, too, of course -- Mason is as much your "wrong" person as you are his. But focusing on him is not quite so self-obsessed, and will help you break-up in the kindest possible way. He WILL be hurt, he WILL be confused, he WILL suffer as a consequence of you doing what you need to do for your Self. You can make things easier on him by focusing on what HE will be going through, instead of keeping just your own comfort levels in mind. In any case, that is likely the only way that he MAY be able to see you as a friend at some point in the future, even if not right away. But it's out of your control, anyway. He is the only one with rights and privileges to decide whether or not he wants to maintain a friendship with you, after the break-up. He may not have the emotional strength to do it immediately, and/or he may not have the desire to ever do it. What is within your control is to act as compassionately and respectfully as is within your own desire, and in ways that may support your goal for a future friendship with Mason. (I'm assuming that you have already taken Roy's feelings and preferences into account, when it comes to that???)
manugeorge Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 How about you break up with Mason, leave Roy alone for now and be by yourself for a while?. You were with Mason during the critical formative years of your life, hell you are still in your critical formative years. Be single for a while, get to know yourself, spread your wings and carve out your own identity. Relationship hopping is not healthy. Breaking up a 10 year relationship ONLY to jump right into another is just asking for trouble. It's understandable that you and Mason have grown apart, your relatives, friends and the world will understand that. 90% of people don't end up with high school sweethearts, people grow up, change and head in different directions. IT IS OK, it's called growing up. If you choose to marry Mason, you should do it for yourself based on what you feel in your heart not what his parents, your parents, friends and everyone else thinks. Because if you go along with it to please everyone else, when the consequences catch up to you, you will be all by yourself holding the bag..I guarantee you that. A relationship is between two people, you're the only two who live the reality everyday and know what's going on. No one can decide for you or judge your decisions until they've been in your shoes. Don't underestimate the differences you and Mason have. Don't dismiss them as trivial because it is those "mole hill' differences that are really going to become mountains when the reality of marriage and ever-after set in. If they bother you this much now, I promise you 10 years from now, you will want to kill him over them. Marriage is not all sunshine and roses. You should choose to marry someone you LIKE, love, respect and with whom you share common goals and interests. Mason will be hurt sure, but he will get over it as long as you remain honest and respectful with him even during the breakup. You can't protect people from heartbreaks, we all grow through them and we are better for it. Don't use him or Roy as your safety net. Learn to be your own safety net before you go searching for someone to complement you.
Heroic Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 You are absolutely not ready for being married. if you continue with your current fiance it will be the most selfish and evil thing you have ever done.
SongChick Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 What, exactly, do you think marriage is? It's not rooming with someone. It's a commitment for life. I know that most people don't look at it that way - they think, 'OH, I'll just divorce if it doesn't turn out right.' But have you ever really talked to divorced people? Have you seen the hurt and pain that a divorce causes? If people took marriage seriously, thought of it as LIFELONG - no way out but death! - they wouldn't have the frivolous attitude that so many seem to have. The point is, you've said, quite clearly, that you don't have the desire to have that type of commitment to him anymore. It's not going to magically re-appear. That type of commitment is of the heart. Yours is not in it. You are not married. You don't owe him anything. Neither do you owe your friends or family anything. If they don't like it that you're not marrying him, too bad! They're not the ones that would be entering a lifelong commitment. I get that he's a great guy. There are TONS of great guys in the world. But, from my own personal experience, you need to wait for the RIGHT guy. When you find him, there won't be a doubt in your mind. And you'll thank God every single day for getting you out of all the other relationships that came before, that weren't this RIGHT guy. Oh, and by the way, if this Mason guy really loves you, he'll respect that you don't want to enter into marriage uncertain.
boldjack Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 You must stop thinking about yourself. You must tell "Mason" the whole truth. If you don't, then you never loved or respected him at all, and the guilt may spoil your relationship with "Roy". If you are a proven liar, how can "Roy", ever trust you. He is going to know what happens with you and "Mason" what will he think, if he sees you being selfish and dishonest?
sunbrite Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 it sounds like a lot of attacking here.... yes, everyone has an opinion but some of us could be a little gentler. My advice to you is yes, break up with Mason. You do love him and it will definitely hurt but if it's really meant to be (together) then you'll find out this way. You have very strong feelings about Roy yes but to be honest he sounds like someone that's just getting you away from Mason (which is what you need). I doubt you'll end up with Roy. Kind of like a rebound guy but you're not single yet. But who knows, I could be very wrong. Either way, yes, break up. When telling Mason and please consider my advice, I would definitely tell him about Roy. Because otherwise, he WILL try understanding what went wrong and he will eventually get to the bottom of it. lying is definitely no way to end. Besides, it's not like you're just sleeping with Roy, you really like him. Mason would probably rather see you go off with someone you truly like rather than just better sex. Trust me. It will definitely definitely hurt him but imagine staying with him.... forever. You feel this way now, are you just going to put everything you feel aside forever? If you and Mason should get married someday you'll come back together and know for sure. breaking up is very hard to do but it passes.
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