qbangal Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Hi all, I am new to loveshack and I have an issue... My boyfriend of two years goes to happy hour with his co-workers on Friday's about twice a month. He hangs out for a couple of hours and then we hook up. I have to say this really bothers me because he never invites me, so it makes me think he has something to hide. Although, I will say that we do attend work-related functions and/or parties that his co-workers may have on the weekend. When I ask him about it he tells me that this is something that he and his co-workers do after work that most of the time doesn't include their SO's. Additionally, he says that although we are together it doesn't mean he doesn't have his on life own and that he doesn't have to invite me to EVERYTHING. He doesn't understand why I complain because he invites me places 90% of the time. I am I overreacting or is he acting like a jerk?
konfuzd Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Your bf sees this time as a bonding experience with his co-workers. Maybe they rip on clients in a way that someone outside may not fully appriciate, and could come back to haunt them. Or maybe he doesn't want to have to stop to explain all the inside jokes they have in the office from their day-to-day experiences. If no one else brings their SO, he probably doesn't want to be the one dragging the old ball and chain. Unless he's exhibiting any other signs of unfaithfulness, I'd say let it go. Use those nights to get together with some girlfriends where you can talk girl stuff, watch chick flicks and do things you wouldn't necessarily want your bf tagging along for. Doing things seperately is a huge advantage to the relationship because it lets you retain your individuality and gives you things to talk about when you are together.
shunter Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 You got to let this one go. I hope you dont nag him about it because that would annoy the hell out of me if my GF did that. So he wants to go to happy hour with his CO-WORKERS. Not you. Why do you want to go so bad? Running low on your friends ? Poor guy, I bet if he wants his friends over for poker, you want to get into that game too, huh?? Why dont you go to happy hour with him (alone) some other day?
Author qbangal Posted January 24, 2009 Author Posted January 24, 2009 I forgot to mention...female co-workers attend too.
Trialbyfire Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 If he's inviting you to work functions and 90% of everything else, let it go. He has a right to some downtime with his coworkers. There could be subjects that require confidentiality, although, more than likely it's that he just needs away time. I will put up one stipulation. If it's all female coworkers, then I would wonder, not that he would necessarily cheat but that he needs his ego stroked that much. If you really, really have a gut feeling about this, I wouldn't ignore it. Have a friend who he doesn't or barely knows, watch his behaviour at the bar for awhile. Just show this friend pictures of him so he/she can recognize your b/f.
IrishCarBomb Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 If you really, really have a gut feeling about this, I wouldn't ignore it. Have a friend who he doesn't or barely knows, watch his behaviour at the bar for awhile. Just show this friend pictures of him so he/she can recognize your b/f. Why not just talk to him if it's at such a level where she's that concerned? If the gut feelings run that deep, it's not likely to just be limited to that single time twice a month that he's with co-workers that she gets insecure. The spying stuff just seems juvenile to me.
Trialbyfire Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Why not just talk to him if it's at such a level where she's that concerned? If the gut feelings run that deep, it's not likely to just be limited to that single time twice a month that he's with co-workers that she gets insecure. The spying stuff just seems juvenile to me. Not everyone can separate out feelings of unease that comes from your gut instinct about someone else. It sometimes manifests like double-vision or in other ways. I can't explain it. As for the spying thing, sure, it can be construed as juvenile or it can also be construed as a way to get definitive evidence, one way or another. If you're wrong, at least you wouldn't have fractured a good relationship for no reason. There's not one single person on this Earth who's never wrong. Of course you could take me to task for suggesting distrust, that two people should know each other well enough to trust or not trust and if there's no trust, the relationship is already fractured, right?
allina Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I'm a firm believer in having time away from your SO and doing your own thing. But it is weird that he hasn't invited you just once, so that you can meet everyone and they can meet you. Is there a possibility that he's embarrassed of you? Does he think his coworkers wouldn't like you or you wouldn't like them? Is there any other reason why he wouldn't want you taking part in this at least once. I think you should let him have his happy hours, but the fact that yo can't come, even once for a quick drink it troubling. Have you ever met any of his coworkers?
porter218 Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Well, then don't read my most recent thread. Then you will really begin to wonder.
D-Lish Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I don't see the big deal about him taking a couple hours twice a month to hang out with his co-workers after work. He spends a couple hours with them and then comes to see you. You've met the co-workers before in other settings. I see no issue here.
porter218 Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I don't see the big deal about him taking a couple hours twice a month to hang out with his co-workers after work. Especially since he already spends 30-40 hrs a week with them anyway. What is another hour or two going to do?
dreamergrl Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I think the best thing for you to do is try spending time with your friends while he's out with his co-workers.
shunter Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I forgot to mention...female co-workers attend too. And do they bring their boyfriends?? I think your request is very weird and I am sorry that I am going to be rude, but you have issues. Now maybe your issues are founded for other reasons that you have not yet elaborated on, but I certainly do not think this is it. If your BF is going to cheat on you, then let the loser do it so you can kick him to the curb. Otherwise, dont be so obsessive and lay off him. The co-workers are going out for happy hour after work -- why, tell please us why, do you think you belong? Clearly there are functions where co-workers get together and they bring their SOs (as you stated you attended these functions) and this does not sound like one of them. If everybody brings their SO, then I could understand your concern. But I am fairly confident they DONT and this is why he doesnt want YOU there. Do you have a job? How would you like it if he showed up for work every day at your lunch hour and hanged around you and your coworkers? Or better yet, why dont you let him know when "break time" is so he can kick it with you and your coworkers then too. LOL
porter218 Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 you have issues. Wow, chill out shunter. But I am fairly confident they DONT and this is why he doesnt want YOU there. Why is that?? My coworkers go out for drinks together about once or twice a week after work....and they DO bring their SO's often. When the SO's aren't there it is usually because they just simply couldn't make it, not that they weren't allowed to come. I only have one coworker that doesn't allow his wife to come. He is the worst out if the cheaters at my job. He has some outrageous rule that she can't be friends with any of his friends and she is never allowed to hang out with any of his friends ever.. I could never put up with someone like him.
BoerumHill Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 When I ask him about it he tells me that this is something that he and his co-workers do after work that most of the time doesn't include their SO's. Additionally, he says that although we are together it doesn't mean he doesn't have his on life own and that he doesn't have to invite me to EVERYTHING. He doesn't understand why I complain because he invites me places 90% of the time. Let it go.
anne1707 Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 It really is not a big deal. They are just going out and having a moan about the boss or some customer. If you went, you would probably be bored as the conversation would be all work. The fact that there are women there too is irrelevant in this situation. As someone said, use this time to go out with your work colleagues.
Surfer Dude Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I sense neediness, clinginess and low self esteem here.
Geishawhelk Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 You too, huh? Didn't want to sound like a stuck record.....
Ariadne Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 He doesn't understand why I complain because he invites me places 90% of the time. I am I overreacting or is he acting like a jerk? I wouldn't say he is acting like a jerk, but it seems like going to those Happy Hours is important to you so I don't see why he'd want to stop that. If you want to go, all the explanations are not important.
sally4sara Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I suppose this could be a case of being clingy, but it could also be a case of sensing something is amiss. Its one thing to start making a big deal about his hanging with coworkers simply because you know he has female coworkers. That would be being insecure and clingy. Its another if say, she mentioned stopping by while she was in the area to pick him up for later plans and he got weird and told her to stay away. I think most people would wonder why they shouldn't come around if it made sense to their plans for the night. I think more needs to be explained as to why the OPs radar has gone off about this situation before we just tell her its all in her head or some character flaw.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I sense neediness, clinginess and low self esteem here. Yep. Dependence = unattractive. Believe me: find some friends you can go out with twice a month (which is pretty rare, btw), and you won't think twice about his time with his co-workers. It seems you're just bothered by the fact that he has a life aside from you.
BobSacamento Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 This is probably what's going through his head: WORLD"S ARE COLLIDING!!
Shygirl15 Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 God. Happy hours with co-workers are just that. I can't imagine stringing my BF along to one of those, too awkward. I have attended theirs a couple of times and it felt very awkward and I was left out of the conversation most of the time. Be thankful he doesn't invite you.
Shygirl15 Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 I forgot to mention...female co-workers attend too. And? Women work too.
Posco_Proudfoot Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 It might be he likes hooking up with you afterwards because he got to vent about work related crap before hand. Feels good to relax, relieve stress, then go see the gf. Venting to you about work stuff would bore you to tears. Feel good he has this time.
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