PonderingLady Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I met a boy, feel in love hard- i kissed my fair share of frogs until i met him. I never fully believed in soul mates until i met him, i truly believe that we formed something no one else could ever touch, and yes, I realize i sound like the sap out of a corney romance novel, but honestly, I never believed this could happen, I trusted 110% (and i have hard core trust issues, i trusted no one else but him, and now i trust no one), we even went through him going on a tour to afghanistan! i truly believed that if i put him in a room with a dozen naked girls he wouldnt do anything... he has had opportunities in the past to cheat and hasn't. Then he gets drunk over xmas break, has a black out - not uncommon for him - and tells me the next day he cheated on me. He says he doesnt remember anything, but his friends told me enough. I'm still with him now, but I'm scared that it'll never be the same, I feel broken inside, i want it to be the same as before. I want this to have never happened. He has sworn off drinking now, and I want to believe that this is true, but it will take time i think to believe 100%. I want to talk about it but he doesnt, he is just goin on with life as normal, i am struggling so much with that though. I feel overwhelming everything inside and i want to explode... what do i do? have you been through this? is it possible to bounce back? do cheaters always cheat again? am i over analyzing everything? should i let it go? does it ever feel ok again? do i ever stop thinking about it? if you have anything to give me in regards to this, i would really appreciate it... it is incredibly painful.
eclipseIDE Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I met a boy, feel in love hard- i kissed my fair share of frogs until i met him. I never fully believed in soul mates until i met him, i truly believe that we formed something no one else could ever touch, and yes, I realize i sound like the sap out of a corney romance novel, but honestly, I never believed this could happen, I trusted 110% (and i have hard core trust issues, i trusted no one else but him, and now i trust no one), we even went through him going on a tour to afghanistan! i truly believed that if i put him in a room with a dozen naked girls he wouldnt do anything... he has had opportunities in the past to cheat and hasn't. Then he gets drunk over xmas break, has a black out - not uncommon for him - and tells me the next day he cheated on me. He says he doesnt remember anything, but his friends told me enough. I'm still with him now, but I'm scared that it'll never be the same, I feel broken inside, i want it to be the same as before. I want this to have never happened. He has sworn off drinking now, and I want to believe that this is true, but it will take time i think to believe 100%. I want to talk about it but he doesnt, he is just goin on with life as normal, i am struggling so much with that though. I feel overwhelming everything inside and i want to explode... what do i do? have you been through this? is it possible to bounce back? do cheaters always cheat again? am i over analyzing everything? should i let it go? does it ever feel ok again? do i ever stop thinking about it? if you have anything to give me in regards to this, i would really appreciate it... it is incredibly painful. I am one of the few people who believe that sometimes people do dumb things and not all people who cheat will cheat again. He should not brush this under the rug and pretend it didnt happen though. You need his reassurance now more than ever. If he wants to be with you he is going to have to rebuild his trust with you. Pesonally I dont think he has the right to dictate how to handle this. He should be the one who needs to win you back and should be bending over backwards to prove this to you. But you have to be receptive
JennaGennaro Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I'm sorry for what you are going through. I have been cheated on and moved on. I agree with eclipseIDE. He shouldn't sweep it under the rug and he should be trying to win you back. I wish I knew if a cheater always cheats, but I don't. I do know that people make mistakes and learn from them. That being said, I have NEVER been drunk and drunk to the point that I don't remember what happened (Mom always reminded me not to be "that girl"). But if blackouts are not uncommon for him, he has more of a problem than just cheating. He should get his drinking under control. What's worse is that he is in the military and I'm sure they have a lot more psychiatric issues going on and maybe this is just how he deals with them. If you do forgive him, you will never forget about it. And it will take a long time for you to trust him again. He may be suspicious of you now that he cheated. My first love cheated on me for about the last six months of our relationship (I was the last to know - so naive), but all the while, HE was the one jealous of me and there was no reason to be. If it were me, I would take a good long look at his other traits and see if there are more red flags. Now that he has cheated with another woman and since he doesn't know what he did with her, you have to protect yourself in more ways than one.
Author PonderingLady Posted February 8, 2009 Author Posted February 8, 2009 Thanks for responding to both of you, it is helpful to hear from people who don't just call me crazy for staying or that once a cheater always a cheater sort of thing...
norajane Posted February 8, 2009 Posted February 8, 2009 The big red flag here (aside from the drinking, blacking out and cheating ), is that he doesn't want to talk about it with you when you DO want and need to talk about it, and that he just wants to go on as if it never happened. He might not want to face your pain, probably because it makes him feel worse, but he needs to do that for you. He's the only one who can provide the comfort and reassurance you desperately need right now, and he's shirking his responsibility by refusing to go through this with you. Help him understand that it's much, much worse for you that he won't acknowledge and bear your pain. Tell him that you need to talk about it with him and that you need him to be there for you as you work through this trauma. And tell him that you need him to talk to you about how he's feeling and what he's thinking - that you need to know that and hear it. If he can't or won't do that, then it's very likely distance will grow between you. You'll be having two different and separate relationships - the one he's in where it's life as usual, and the one you're in where you're crushed with pain and doubt - and never the twain shall meet.
justanothergirl75 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I've cheated on non-serious boyfriends in the past and am currently cheating on the one I am seeing now, though it isn't that serious either. I never cheated on my ex-husband. It just depends on the situation.
MotherGooze Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Well people do make mistakes and I do believe trust can be earned again. The main issue Isee here is, why doesn't he want to talk about it? You are the one he hurt, the least he can do is talk to you about it, because he was the one making a mistake and he's the one who should be making it right. Communication is the best way to heal those wounds.
MichelleS1983 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 How does one cheat when they're so drunk they 'black out?' If he were that drunk, he wouldn't have been able to do anything physically. Methinks the 'drunk excuse' - like alot of cheaters use - is just another lame cover-up for bad behavior.
voldigicam Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I wouldn't worry about the cheating while drunk - If I got really drunk I'd probably do something like that if the chance was shoved down my pants. I'd worry about the drunk part. That's the key from my perspective. Get that addressed. It's an addiction at that level, most of the time. Since you say he's done it before. Once is usually enough to turn most people away from "too much." Time for that confrontation. Get help in handling it from an alcohol addiction counselor if you need to. My SO has gotten drunk enough not to remember much one time. And she did odd things for her. Slow dancing naked with other women, for example. Which is a bit atypical for her!!!
sw1911ct Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I don't believe that once a cheat always a cheat. But he should be unfathomably thankful that you haven't kicked him to the curb with to contact ever again. Thankful enough to talk with you about anything you want to bring up. You should be in the driver's seat here not him. You are the one doing him a favor by sticking around, although it sounds like if his attitude about it doesn't change soon you may not be doing that either. I wouldn't...
Lucky_One Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 How does one cheat when they're so drunk they 'black out?' If he were that drunk, he wouldn't have been able to do anything physically. Methinks the 'drunk excuse' - like alot of cheaters use - is just another lame cover-up for bad behavior. That was my first thought. Most guys can't maintain an erection when they are trashed.
gopher Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 That was my first thought. Most guys can't maintain an erection when they are trashed. Most guys will also try and sleep with just about anyone in that condition too. I'd tell him that you need to communicate more, and that it's important to you. He may not want to talk about it, because he is trying to bury it for his own mental health. But, since you were the one cheated on, I think you deserve the right to demand open communication about it.
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