meg33 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 i'm searching for anything to help me what i'm going thru... i've been in a realationship for 10 years with a mm...we knew each other.. he was my boss.. blah blah blah we have ended this on many times... (what a joke) only to always be with eachother. i moved away 4 years ago from my family, friends and job i loved... only for the relationship to thrive... my old job opened back up and i came back to the job i love... also back to the mm.... he was so happy... it was time for us to be together for real....he was going to leave his wife and my life was going to be normal.... i got back to town on dec 07.... 2008 was going to be my year! it was oh so different..and i could feel it. his daughter told him in June that she was sad... one of her friends mom and dad were going thru a divorce... and she would die if this happened to her. that turned him around... from that day life went down hill for us. i knew this was something the wife put her daughter up to... life for us went south over the holidays.... i sent a package to his wife on Dec 30 ... pictures ... emails, im's... i've heard nothing... yesterday i called her at their house and she told me she didn't look at the package... makes me nuts.. and some of you will get mad at my actions, but i'm feeling out of control. i have a long road ahead of me.. .and i'm trying to hang out to see how to mend my heart... how to get my head straight... any advice!
LavendarGirl Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Hi Meg, Welcome to the LS boards. I'm greeting you with a smile, and be careful of the vultures that might swoop down and try to chomp on you while you're down . It's a mixed bag around here. You must be hurting quite a bit. So, from June (when his daughter came around and said that bit about her friends' parents divorcing) until December, you guys were pretty much on the rocks? What happened in that time period? Don't expect his wife to be your ally here. You know (I'm sure you do), that the packet you sent would have only hurt her. However, that's not going to mean that she helps you in your situation, whether you are wanting to hurt your MM or hurt her, or try to end things (between you and he, or cause and end to his marriage). Again, I'm sorry you are going through this hurt. Take a deep breath. You can get control of your life again. Really you can!
Owl Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 So you were hoping that sending her that package would cause her to kick him out and divorce him? The bottom line is simple...it's not easy, it's not nice, but it's simple. You've been in a relationship with him for TEN YEARS...and he's still married? What do those actions tell you? Remember...words are just words...if you want to know his heart, watch his actions. What do his actions tell you? That he's delighted to have BOTH of you in his life...you on the side, and at home a daughter and wife. What is left to be said? He's not going anywhere...he's made that abundantly clear over the last TEN YEARS. What do you expect to happen in the next ten?
bentnotbroken Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 So you were hoping that sending her that package would cause her to kick him out and divorce him? The bottom line is simple...it's not easy, it's not nice, but it's simple. You've been in a relationship with him for TEN YEARS...and he's still married? What do those actions tell you? Remember...words are just words...if you want to know his heart, watch his actions. What do his actions tell you? That he's delighted to have BOTH of you in his life...you on the side, and at home a daughter and wife. What is left to be said? He's not going anywhere...he's made that abundantly clear over the last TEN YEARS. What do you expect to happen in the next ten? Exactly. You called the wife and she gave you an answer. Not the what wanted to hear, but it is an answer. Are you willing to wait ten more?
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Not much to say..10 years and he never left his wife for whatever reasons, and she is choosing to stay with him as well. You have no choice but to let go. Your attempt to split them up or create drama/reaction by sending her a package didn't work. Sorry you're hurting, but focus on you and healing. This man isn't worthy of your time, effort and love. He is a liar and a cheater and has betrayed his wife for 10 years! Why would want someone like that for yourself? If he can cheat on her for that long, don't you think he can do that to you if he DID divorce and marry you? VOWS mean squat to him.
LovieDove24 Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Yep, vows mean squat to this man. I don't think he has a commited bone in his body.
Geishawhelk Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 .....she told me she didn't look at the package... By the way.... I don't believe this for a minute. look at the package? Are you kidding me?? OF COURSE SHE DID!!
LavendarGirl Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Meg33, you are such a smart girl. Troubador, under which category does this fall...support or discussion...?
frannie Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 his daughter told him in June that she was sad... one of her friends mom and dad were going thru a divorce... and she would die if this happened to her. life for us went south over the holidays.... i sent a package to his wife on Dec 30 ... pictures ... emails, im's... ... i'm trying to hang out to see how to mend my heart... how to get my head straight... any advice! Hello meg, frustrating, isn't it? My advice would be this: accept the situation for what it is at the moment. Further pushing and being out of control won't serve you. I know you're frustrated, and you want some control in this situation, but for now you just can't have it. She's choosing to ingore/accept what's happening, and he is doing the same; they both have their reasons. What you need to do is 'radically accept' that they're both stuck at this time. It might change, it might not. But you don't have anywhere sane to go now as far as actions are concerned, so you have to back off. Take care of you. I'm wondering: what did you say to her on the phone? Did you tell her what had been going on - so even though she didn't open the package, she knows now. Does her reaction suggest to you that she's know all along? And secondly, how did he react to your sending the package?
Sagelily Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 And sociopathic, to boot:). Make You Feel Better To Put Someone Down Needlessly, Reggie? Who Are You To Pass Judgment On Meg?
bentnotbroken Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Make You Feel Better To Put Someone Down Needlessly, Reggie? Who Are You To Pass Judgment On Meg? He is Reggie and passing judgement means he also hands down appropriate punishment. Since he only stated his opinion on a public board, he is just Reggie, nothing more.
Reggie Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 What, is sociopathic bad? I thought the little touch about torturing the wife with pics and e-mails was so cute.
Sagelily Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 He is Reggie and passing judgement means he also hands down appropriate punishment. Since he only stated his opinion on a public board, he is just Reggie, nothing more. I'd Like To Think That The OW/OM Here Can Find Support And Engage In Honest Discussion With Other OW/OM, BS, MM/MW Without Being Labeled A Sociopath, Belittled, Or Torn To Pieces As I've Seen Happen MANY Times In Many Threads In My Short Time Here. In My Opinion, That Opinion Was Mean Spirited And Unnecessary. But That's Just The Opinion Of A Stupid, Selfish, Silly, Cruel And Immoral Woman... Right?
bentnotbroken Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I'd Like To Think That The OW/OM Here Can Find Support And Engage In Honest Discussion With Other OW/OM, BS, MM/MW Without Being Labeled A Sociopath, Belittled, Or Torn To Pieces As I've Seen Happen MANY Times In Many Threads In My Short Time Here. In My Opinion, That Opinion Was Mean Spirited And Unnecessary. But That's Just The Opinion Of A Stupid, Selfish, Silly, Cruel And Immoral Woman... Right? I don't know if you are stupid, silly, cruel, selfish or immoral. I do know your actions speak volumes about what is in your heart. Your actions have shown selfishness and cruelty. Your actions(by my value system)are immoral and I can't even say if you are a woman. That word (as well is man)is used to characterize someone who has reached the chronological age of maturity, not the mental or responsible age of maturity. And as for sociopath, that term is overused and in my opinion used to describe too many as not being able to control their actions because of some unseen Freud created persona. I find lots of opinions here mean spirited and uncalled for. I also find many here blunt, tart and too the point. They aren't sugar coated, fluffy or meant to be mean. They are just he truth as seen by the poster. The sensitivity displayed by some is amazing and graceful. The bluntness by others is no less valid, the delivery just isn't to your liking.
LakesideDream Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Wow, This thread got off to a bad start. Something to throw out there.... Way back in the day when I found out about my wife's infidelity I didn't blame the OM at all, not a tiny bit. He saw in her what I saw, or more, and was in love. How could I blame him? I didn't blame my WS for being in love with her OM. She was in love with him. My anger and misgivings came from the realization that I had wasted my life, my youth on a relationship that was based on untruth. That was bad enough believe me. Why hate, why be angry at people for their emotions? People do enough bad things that there is plenty left to be mad at.
Sagelily Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I don't know if you are stupid, silly, cruel, selfish or immoral. I do know your actions speak volumes about what is in your heart. Your actions have shown selfishness and cruelty. Your actions(by my value system)are immoral and I can't even say if you are a woman. That word (as well is man)is used to characterize someone who has reached the chronological age of maturity, not the mental or responsible age of maturity. And as for sociopath, that term is overused and in my opinion used to describe too many as not being able to control their actions because of some unseen Freud created persona. I find lots of opinions here mean spirited and uncalled for. I also find many here blunt, tart and too the point. They aren't sugar coated, fluffy or meant to be mean. They are just he truth as seen by the poster. The sensitivity displayed by some is amazing and graceful. The bluntness by others is no less valid, the delivery just isn't to your liking. Sure You Do, Those Are You And Reggie's Opinions Of Me From My First Post Here. You Know, I Was Three Paragraphs Down In My Reply When An Old Saying Popped Into My Head- "You Catch More Flies With Honey Than You Do With Vinegar." That Simple Saying Says More In Less Space Than Any Other Response I Could Type Out. Agree Or Disagree With A Poster Or His Or Her Actions, Great. But To Respond In A Manner Which Shows Only Judgement And No Apparent Class Is Tasteless. I Don't Object To People Being Blunt And To The Point, I Object To What I See As An Attack. Just My Two Cents. This Forum Is Here For Support And Discussion, And The Rules And Guidelines Are Clear, And Calling Someone A Sociopath Because You Disagree With Their Actions Is Just Uncalled For. Have A Nice Day.
GirlNextDoor11 Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 This woman was looking for help and support, not to be degraded and made feel awful! Its funny though if you think about it some people posting on here telling her she is "sociopathic" or should I say people agreeing with them. Have actually done the same thing and destroyed other peoples lives too. People dont forget that all your orginal threads are on this site too and we see what you have done in the past. So before you go degrading someone over their current doings remember what you have done in the past to your BS, OW, MM, Your OW's BS and so on! Because everyone on this site has drama in their life and they are here for support and help. Its hard enough to come clean about these type of Affairs so don't make it worse for Us to come here and talk! ps feel free to bash me all you want, I could care freakin less! Thats exactly why I would never put my story on here because even though I am the OTHER WOMAN and have a really different story then most. Some of you don't deserve to hear my happiness. As for all you you other OW, OM, BS, ETC... and the people who actually come here with good advice and support. WE THANK YOU!
bentnotbroken Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Sure You Do, Those Are You And Reggie's Opinions Of Me From My First Post Here. You Know, I Was Three Paragraphs Down In My Reply When An Old Saying Popped Into My Head- "You Catch More Flies With Honey Than You Do With Vinegar." That Simple Saying Says More In Less Space Than Any Other Response I Could Type Out. Agree Or Disagree With A Poster Or His Or Her Actions, Great. But To Respond In A Manner Which Shows Only Judgement And No Apparent Class Is Tasteless. I Don't Object To People Being Blunt And To The Point, I Object To What I See As An Attack. Just My Two Cents. This Forum Is Here For Support And Discussion, And The Rules And Guidelines Are Clear, And Calling Someone A Sociopath Because You Disagree With Their Actions Is Just Uncalled For. Have A Nice Day. I do agree with you about the sociopath thing, waaaayyy over used. But the catching more flies with honey is indeed an old phrase. As old as say......be faithful and respecting the boundaries of marriage, just a thought:rolleyes: You know sleeping with a MM person is tasteless to some people:eek:, so will have to agree that both of us find things tasteless, it just happens to be different things.
Amybeth Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Sorry - but your loss is nothing like the loss that the MW feels. The pain and suffering YOU committed to another person is horrible. Sorry - but you put yourself in this situation and as a result put yourself in -to face whatever consequences there are !! The W is the innocent party in all of this and doesn't deserve you making her life even more miserable. As the OW you knew you could be hurt and you must have known you came SECOND - do not lie to yourself about that. To tell you the truth - MM say certain things they feel they have to - to continue to get into the pants of OW - how else can they do it. The statistics highly work against a relationship with a MM to last. IT DOESN"T most of the time. LEAVE the wife alone and find your OWN man who you come first for - why HURT HER?? She did nothing to you
Spinning Head Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Ten years is a long time! At this point, YOU need to move on. You've given MM ten years of your life and he's made no effort to end his marriage. MM is a coward. MM is happy to remain in his marriage and keep you on the side. I believe W looked at the package's contents. I am sure that those e-mails, IM's, and other documents of your relationship with MM have caused her to re-evaluate her marriage. I know you are hurt. You need to stop believing MM's lies to you and make a break from the relationship. Now is the time to focus on yourself. Make 2009 the year for YOU!
OWoman Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Sorry - but your loss is nothing like the loss that the MW feels. You've interviewed both Meg and her MM's BW, from a checklist of indicators approved in the literature, and put them through complex statistical processes and came up with that conclusion, did you? There's no other way to have reached that conclusion with any basis in fact - otherwise it's just a meaningless guess based on your own prejudice and lack of experience. I'm not sure why you said "sorry", since you clearly don't sound it...
sally4sara Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I've made a large effort to not nose too much in these threads because I know how I feel about the situation and the people who get involved in this sort of mess. But I've also never been in this sort of mess. My ex husband did cheat but by then I almost wished he would become someone else's problem. I can see though how some of these threads would upset a still sore BS. It is the threads that have titles that let BS on this site know it's an OW who doesn't want to end things or hasn't been pushed aside. Titles or posts that indicate an attack on the BS's character or motives. Titles and posts that show a desire or action to cause more harm to the BS that brings the harsh judgements pouring in. And I agree, once that happens, no one is getting helped. Many people point out that this site has certain rules, and others point out that opinions are not against rules. Can I suggest that if the titles upset the BS folk on the site beckon you, perhaps wait to see if the OW and ex OW give good and helpful advise to the OP that could help them get out of their situation. If you find all they're getting is encouragement, then sure, I can see how it would trigger some angry responses. We shouldn't be advising people to cause turmoil. I just wanted to point out that while I don't agree with affairs, the couple times I HAVE peeked in here, I rarely find OW plotting against the BS. And most of the one's who are like the OP are like that out of an overload of emotion and have reached the point of desperation. I don't believe they don't know how their position looks to society. I don't see the point in telling them while people who can talk them down try to do exactly that. But if yo find them aplottin...........
Reggie Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Well, sending that crap to the wife, following up with a call, and ignoring the pain she knew she and this guy were causing his family does not seem to make this person the kindest of folks. I cannot even imagine what it takes to do this to another person, let alone kids.
Amybeth Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 You've interviewed both Meg and her MM's BW, from a checklist of indicators approved in the literature, and put them through complex statistical processes and came up with that conclusion, did you? There's no other way to have reached that conclusion with any basis in fact - otherwise it's just a meaningless guess based on your own prejudice and lack of experience. I'm not sure why you said "sorry", since you clearly don't sound it... Oh... but i do have quite alot of experience in this matter. The OW in my husband's A not only sent me a very long email but also a "lovely" package full of things that could have really hurt me and did for a while. her intent was to punish him by getting me angry enough to leave him. We have 2 teenage boys and have been married for 19 years. We had fallen head over heels for each other when we were in our early 20's. My point is still the same - there were problems in our marriage BUT that is where it should have remained. My husband lead her on and told her everything he needed to - so he could get into her pants (while I could not engage in sexual relations). She told me she did not care "if he was married" and that was a MISTAKE for all of us. For her - he has had NC with her for 8 months and she would pathetically text him that she was crying through the night). (She was an adult 50 yrs old actually - when this first started). It was a MISTAKE for me an INNOCENT PARTY - I was trying to work things out with my husband - at counseling and he just did not know how to communicate.
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