bermuda Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Am in my mid thirties and have known my fiancee for 25 years, and been together 14. Hes been the greatest guy in my life, and my life has been him.Christmas Eve he left me distraught and told me he was leaving me.We have a great home and have traveled the world together. Slowly by womens instinct I feel he has another woman/girl. I am sensible tried not to cry to beg and look daft but inside am distraught. Many a morning I have sat on my shower floor crying. Hes moved in with his mum and wants me to leave our home of 10 years and go back to my parents.Some days I dont know if I am standing up or sitting down. I love him and obviously want him back. Yes everyone says move on...but in four weeks its hard and he has been my best mate for 14 years. His friends believe he has another girl by his shadyness and lies. Some things add up now I stand back and yes he has been unfaithful but you just cant help in life who you fall in love with. What I am probably asking is the male perspective. I just want him to try the green grass of the other side and see it always that! I am lost and need a bit of help on things! But please remember I still love this guy
anne1707 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 And why should YOU move out and go back to your parents?
annieo Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 And why should YOU move out and go back to your parents? Absolutely - why should you move out? If he wants out, then he should walk through the door. As to how you're feeling, you are probably still in a state of shock. You didn't stop loving him, he stopped loving you, and it will take a while to move into the new emotional headspace. Eventually, your hurt will likely turn into anger, which will be a good thing if it helps you disconnect from him and see that he is not the person that you once knew. I wish you luck. He's been a part of your life for a very long time and getting over him will take some time too, I imagine. Be kind to yourself and surround yourself with people who care about and support you.
Author bermuda Posted January 24, 2009 Author Posted January 24, 2009 Thanks for your replies. Engaged for 4 years together 14. We were well I thought happy. No pressure to get married, again ,so I thought happy just to be together. I dont have any friends that have been together for so long. So the loss is immense. I dont want to move on just forward at the moment. Why do I have to move out?, the house is in his name. He want sto come home to his home comforts. A home we had together fro 10 years. I am now left with no best friend no fiance no money have just been made redundant, and no home. I am a bright girl with good degree and understand that yes life goes on but at the moment everything has fallen down. I might even look back one day and laugh but at the momentmy best friends with another woman and I would give the world to have him back. I am lost without my mate. Hes not a bad guy quite lovely infact but ~I am hurting very much. IF anyone can wave a magic wand that would be lovely!
Habibti Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Why do I have to move out?, the house is in his name. He want sto come home to his home comforts. A home we had together fro 10 years. Hold on, let me check my pants. Yep! Those really are skidmarks, indeed I have shat myself. There's nothing to me more sad than when a good woman has had her self esteem and identity beat right out of her, and I don't mean litterally. Here you are, calling him a good guy and making excuses for his selfish behavior.
TheLoosingBattle Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Most states have a "common law." if you have lived with someone for X amount of years your concidered by law, married. Everything in his name might be 1/2 yours. He sounds like a total ***** bag. I know your world is crushed and thats probably because you were blind sighted. I'm sure he has been going behind your back for a while. He is probably the greatest person to you right now because you haven't been alone long enough to find a truely better guy. I know its hard. You need to get a hold of yourself and build a better you. Come out strong and get your life back.
citizen67 Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 very few states recognize common law marriage actually
TheLoosingBattle Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 my mistake, but its still worth a shot.
RamChops Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Sorry to hear about the way things have turned out, bermuda. In my case, I cheated on my long term gf of 11 years, and left her without much explanation. When I cheated I did feel guilty, I didn't feel like I deserved to be with her any longer, and ended it as soon as possible. Two years on she doesn't know completely what I did but still thinks of me as a great guy. She's wrong; and you're wrong too bermuda, a person who lies and cheats is not great, is not honourable, even if he is superficially a nice guy. The factors that led to my cheating were that things had lost their spark, she had moved overseas for a bit to have a little space, and I had started to want to see other people (up until then neither of us had dated anyone else), but in all I was just selfish and weak. What I did has deeply affected her, she was once a cheerful bubbly person at work, instead she sat at her desk and cried almost every day for over a year. She hasn't dated anyone since, and she is only now getting back to her old self. The only thing that she had in her favour is that I lived in the place which was in her name; she did see clear to kick me out eventually, which I deserved. If he has cheated, and it sounds very much like he has, don't put him up on a pedestal just because of the time you spent together and because of his persona. I treated my ex like dirt, and if he's done the same to you, he doesn't deserve someone who sounds as nice as you. Stay strong.
Athena Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Sorry to hear about the way things have turned out, bermuda. In my case, I cheated on my long term gf of 11 years, and left her without much explanation. When I cheated I did feel guilty, I didn't feel like I deserved to be with her any longer, and ended it as soon as possible. Two years on she doesn't know completely what I did but still thinks of me as a great guy. She's wrong; and you're wrong too bermuda, a person who lies and cheats is not great, is not honourable, even if he is superficially a nice guy. The factors that led to my cheating were that things had lost their spark, she had moved overseas for a bit to have a little space, and I had started to want to see other people (up until then neither of us had dated anyone else), but in all I was just selfish and weak. What I did has deeply affected her, she was once a cheerful bubbly person at work, instead she sat at her desk and cried almost every day for over a year. She hasn't dated anyone since, and she is only now getting back to her old self. The only thing that she had in her favour is that I lived in the place which was in her name; she did see clear to kick me out eventually, which I deserved. If he has cheated, and it sounds very much like he has, don't put him up on a pedestal just because of the time you spent together and because of his persona. I treated my ex like dirt, and if he's done the same to you, he doesn't deserve someone who sounds as nice as you. Stay strong. It's big of you to admit that you were selfish at the time, but since you can talk honestly to us on these boards now, perhaps you will do your ex a favour and tell her the truth? It will help her understand what actually happened, and to stop blaming herself. It will allow her to let go of you. It will put her back on a path of self-confidence and her previous happy bubbly personality. It will also alert her to any possible future wandering SO she may have. It will open her eyes and release her from a lot of her pain. That is the power that Truth has. If, and it does sound like it, you have any empathy for what you put her through, consider telling her the truth.
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