jbb255 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I have been married for 2 1/2 years and have known my wife for 6. I have a very uncomfortable relationship with her sister, who lives around 3 hours away, but visits ands stays with us atleast once per month. I find my sister-in-law attractive, but I have never done anything that would lead her to believe that. I would never want to persue anything with her, but "attractive" would be the way that I would describe her. Instead, I have tried to build a relationship with her that would resemble a friendship. I would like to be able to at least talk to her like we are friends. She is visually uncomfortable around me. When she comes to stay with us, she will not stay in the house unless my sister is there. This is a 3300 sf house, and just the 3 of us, so room is not the issue. If she is in our pool, and I go to get in, she gets out quickly. She always makes a point to find me to give me a hug before she leaves, but it is one of those hugs where there is an exaggerated emphasis on keeping here loins away from me. When I say exaggerated, I mean her back and legs are almost at a 90 degree angle. I have never once solicited a hug. On the flip side, I will catch her staring at me when my back is turned to her, and I turn to face her. I was talking on my cell phone outside one day, and she made the comment " who are you talking to? One of your many girlfriends? I am considered attractive by most women, and I have good personality. I would have a hard time believing that she finds me so repulsive that she can't be around me. That only leaves two possibilities in my mind: 1. She is attracted to me, and is over compensating for it. She cannot trust herself to be alone with me. Or, 2. I am somehow sending a vibe to her that I would be all over her if given the chance. I have no desire to cheat on my wife, and I honestly cannot think of a time where my SIL would have picked that up. I just would like to know what I am dealing with. I am afraid that if I was to take the direct approach, and ask her, I would not get a straight answer. Also, I could make the uncomfortable situation worse. I am also getting self concious about her avoiding me. I would appreciate any opinions from women, especially since this is one I cannot get from my wife. Thanks.
Geishawhelk Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 OK. The odd, irrational behaviour is coming from her. If you feel uncomfortable around her - that is you picking the ball up and running with it. If you feel uncomfortable, it's because you are letting her get to you. The question may not be - "Why does she behave in this way?" But- "Why do I permit myself to be affected by this?" Be affectionate towards your wife when she's around, and say nice things (don't over-do it though, and lay it on with a trowel) to show her that you're committed. If she says odd things to you, (like the 'girlfriend' quip) turn round and ask - "That's an odd thing to say - what do you say that?" Puts the onus on her to have to justify her odd behaviour. Point it out to her. Make her aware she's acting peculiarly.... The lean-in kiss.... "Are you ok? Something wrong with your back?" She does these things because she feels she can get away with them. It's manipulative and belittling, and she's got an odd relationship with you because you're her sister's husband. Maybe there's a family issue here. Childhood jealousy, inferiority complex..... (you could ask your wife how she got on with her sis as a youngster.....) In any case, don't let yourself be bothered by it. There does seem to be a problem. That it's hers - is not your problem.
Ronni_W Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 1. She is attracted to me, and is over compensating for it. She cannot trust herself to be alone with me. Or, 2. I am somehow sending a vibe to her that I would be all over her if given the chance. My vote is that BOTH, [1] AND [2] are at play: You're both sending and receiving vibes on basically the same frequency, and you're both doing your best to stay well clear of the danger zone. In your position, I'd back-off from trying to build too much of a "friendship" -- a cordial, somewhat distant acquaintanceship would likely be a safer option. NOT that either of you have been acting inappropriately...just doing the best each of you feels necessary to avoid a potentially dangerous situation. Your desire for a "friendship", the depth of which she clearly isn't interested in, is as much an over-compensation as her 90-degree hugs and distancing at other times. No biggie. You've recognized and acknowledged the temptation. All you have to do is steer clear of situations that can get away from your personal values and good judgment. You'd only put yourself and marriage at risk if you wanted to come off as the "innocent" and put all of it on your SiL. You have no desire to cheat on your wife, so you won't. Right?
citizen67 Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I agree with Ronnie that both factors are at play - I would just be the observer if I were you, souunds rather entertaining!
Recommended Posts