Author astoldbyme Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 Hi I need help please. I have lived with a man for 2 yrs now. He is an alcoholic (not a mean one) smokes 2 pks of cigs a day and although he tries to hide it he is addicted to vicoden. He was abused as a child, has been homeless. He has never been in a relationship where someone doesnt leave him or cheat on him. He is 43 I am 45 I am totally not into the bar seen. Oh and did I mention he gambles. I have given him so many chances to get his act together he keeps saying he is going to change. He works hard everyday even Sat. in construction. He brings home 8-900 a week but never has money. We argue about this all the time. Where is his money going? He gets irritated with me when I mention the fact. I had to put out the money for rent 1,100. Last month because he did have it. He is very jealous; he wants to know my every move. When he thinks I have be out he smells my crotch (wtf) to make sure it doesn’t smell like sex I guess. He lies to me ALL the time about everything that I am to the point now where I am getting like him. I want to know his every move and when he tells me something I NEVER believe him I look around to catch him in lies. The thing is, I know he want to be loved and have a family but he doesn’t know how. I feel so sad for him. I am just miserable, we no longer have sex, it hurts him he says, he apologizes. But then he never even tries to help me out if you know what I mean. He is always angry, he fights with everyone at work, we have no friends he has pushed all of them away and then friends I had I don’t talk to anymore because he gets mad. I know if I stay I will never have anything in life, nothing no matter how much he says it will, change. I don’t want to give up on him and make him feel alone in the world again, he has NO ONE not a single person in this world to run to or trust. But what about me? Also, if I tell him I’m leaving I am afraid he will break everything I own before I get out. He breaks things when he is mad. Please someone help me.
nature Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 This sounds like a nightmare situation, and I'd walk so fast you have no idea. I'd have someone stay there for a few days while asking him to leave. So that you are not alone. This is a very unhealthy, sick, twisted, co-dependent relationship. You are enabling all of it. It is your choice what you want for your life. if this is good enough for you, then stick arouond in it. If you feel you deserve more, then kick him out. You have the choice. It's up to you to decide. He is a big boy. He has choices too. He can get help for his alcoholism, drug dependency, gambling, etc. But he has to make that choice. You sticking with him and allowing this makes you an enabler. So in that case, you have to consider whether you have the right to complain.
lonelygurl Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Honestly how can you be torn to whether you are not to leave him. You are suppose to be his partner not his therapist. Leave him and on your way stop at the bookstore and by Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
Ariadne Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Sounds more like you want to stay out of pity because he is all alone etc. But if you had all the money and he'd be alright you'd probably leave. He was probably so miserable and in a bad mood because you didn't give him any love. See what you decide. Good luck.
Template Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 What strikes me is that you labeled a lot of negative things he does, yet not once did you ever say something positive. Even your motivation to stay with the man is negative (it seem like you FEAR leaving him). It's clear you aren't happy in the relationship, and whether or not he is, it's clear he's not happy with himself. We are not here to "save" people, even in a relationship-trust me saving someone doesn't work. People can only save themselves, and the best we can do is be here to help support them. A huge portion of love is trust, and he doesn't trust you, and you don't trust him. You say he wants to be loved; but you what, love is a 2-way street. If it's best for YOU to be happy is to leave, then leave. There are ways to move your stuff without him breaking it. Ask yourself this, what do YOU get out of this relationship if you stay. You'll find your answer relatively quickly.
Knight_Ctrl Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 normally i would never say this...but leave his ass.
Author astoldbyme Posted January 26, 2009 Author Posted January 26, 2009 Sounds more like you want to stay out of pity because he is all alone etc. But if you had all the money and he'd be alright you'd probably leave. He was probably so miserable and in a bad mood because you didn't give him any love. See what you decide. Good luck. I did give him love with all my heart. I stayed for two years trying to make it work. I was there for him over and over again trying to help him and our relationship work. I love him but he doesnt love himself and I dont know how to do it anymore. He can be sweet and do the most loving things. But is it enough it only happens ever once in awhile. We leave for work in the morning come home he grabs food as soon as he gets home i dont have time to cook cause we get home the same time. We then go into different rooms and watch tv until we go to bed. He makes 3200 a month yet he has no money. I had to cover him on rent this month. Its not all about money but I want to be able to do things, vacations, dinner, movies. I love him but he has no respect for me at all. He has pushed away all my friends and I allowed him to do so. My heart breaks for him, and me.
Author astoldbyme Posted January 26, 2009 Author Posted January 26, 2009 What strikes me is that you labeled a lot of negative things he does, yet not once did you ever say something positive. Even your motivation to stay with the man is negative (it seem like you FEAR leaving him). It's clear you aren't happy in the relationship, and whether or not he is, it's clear he's not happy with himself. We are not here to "save" people, even in a relationship-trust me saving someone doesn't work. People can only save themselves, and the best we can do is be here to help support them. A huge portion of love is trust, and he doesn't trust you, and you don't trust him. You say he wants to be loved; but you what, love is a 2-way street. If it's best for YOU to be happy is to leave, then leave. There are ways to move your stuff without him breaking it. Ask yourself this, what do YOU get out of this relationship if you stay. You'll find your answer relatively quickly. I gave him love with all my heart. I stayed for two years trying to make it work. I was there for him over and over again trying to help him and our relationship work. I love him but he doesnt love himself and I dont know how to do it anymore. He can be sweet and do the most loving things. But is it enough it only happens ever once in awhile. We leave for work in the morning come home he grabs food as soon as he gets home i dont have time to cook cause we get home the same time. We then go into different rooms and watch tv until we go to bed. He makes 3200 a month yet he has no money. I had to cover him on rent this month. Its not all about money but I want to be able to do things, vacations, dinner, movies. I love him but he has no respect for me at all. He has pushed away all my friends and I allowed him to do so. My heart breaks for him, and me. I didnt want to give up on him or us. It just seems that the bad times out weigh the good. I wish he would get help and find his way back to me. But he is so angry.
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