Ormolu611 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 My ex split with me nearly two years ago. I have been wondering lately if it would be okay to contact her because I feel that there is no chance whatsoever that I could ever fall in love with her again. I mean, I feel safe and secure that I will not get hurt by seeing her or talking to her. This is based on an accidental run in with her several months ago where she expressed a desire to reconnect on at least a superficial level. I ran into her and her boyfriend at a bar and she decided to sit herself down at the table I was sharing with friends and try to "catch up." She was reaching out to me - the way it should be in my opinion. I had not seen her or contacted her in any way for a year and a half. I kept it short because that is what I thought I should have done, but the interesting thing is that seeing her for he first time after so long did not mess with my emotions at all - which is the primary reason that I feel that I would not be risking anything by contacting her now. Our relationship lasted for a LONG time - 10 years. Having said that, I do feel that I am myself again and have been for some time. It probably took me a little more than a full year of zero contact to really become myself again. It was well over a year ago that I discovered that she was with someone else, and that set me back momentarily, but I eventually got over that too. I am curious as to how she is doing. I have gotten to the point where I feel that I hope she is doing okay. I have forgiven her I guess. I was looking at pictures that I came across of us together in the past, and all I felt was a little nostalgia, but I was not at all bothered or in any way sad about it. I can look at is objectively now. I was with her for nearly a third of my life and so I feel that it is probably okay to want to at least touch base with her. Let's face it - the relationship is a huge part of my life whether I like it or not, and she was my best friend for a long long time. What do you guys think? Is there harm in contacting her for the first time in nearly two years? Or perhaps I should just write this woman off for the rest of my life and keep her sealed in the past as if she was dead to me? Any insight is appreciated.
ColorCube Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 When is is okay to be friends with an ex? When you BOTH have moved on to other people and not until all residual feelings of wanting the other back are gone.
Author Ormolu611 Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 Well, I assume that she has moved on as well as there has been no contact from her either with the exception of her trying to start a conversation that night at the bar. I guess there is really no way to tell where she is emotionally unless I contact her. Hmmmm. I just want to make it clear to her that I am over it and have no interest in revisiting the past in any way shape or form.
ColorCube Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 You don't seem to have moved on though?, am I right? If you haven't then being trying to be friends with her would be a bad idea and just hurt you. Why contact her now after 2 years?
Author Ormolu611 Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 Oh, I have definitley moved on. I am content and whole without her. I have no desire to even be in any kind of regular contact with her again honestly. I just had a desire to touch base with her to see how she is doing after not having spoken to her for so long. Since we were such a huge part of each other's lives, it only seems natural to me.
ColorCube Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 it only seems natural to me. I can get that one, I like to think of myself as someone who is genuine and can be above petty stuff that may have happened during the relationship but honestly if I really am honest with myself deep down inside I contacted those ex's for other reasons.
Chinook Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 To be honest, I wouldn't recommend being friends with an ex unless there are children involved. The reason, you guys have history which don't involve either of your new partners which can be a hiccup and devisive in the new relationship(s). Being friendly is one thing... actually being 'friends' is quite another. I would not disrespect my BF by trying to be friends with my ex and we were also together for 10 years. I loved him alot and I still value who he was and I am blessed to have known him. The hurt has passed now and I don't think he has any place in my life. Occasional friendly emails is all we share now and I intend to keep it like that. Period.
Author Ormolu611 Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 Thanks for the responses guys. Yes, I do currently have a girlfriend. And yes, I do understand the point about how being friends with an ex can be detrimental to current relationships. I feel though, that in my current situation, my girlfriend is friends with several of her ex's. Granted, none of those relationships lasted for 10 years, but this might almost be besides the point. Perhaps, I used the wrong term in the heading when I said friends. I think being friendly is more what I had in mind. In other words, I have no intention of maintaining weekly or even monthly contact with my ex. I am more interested in getting past the current barrier that is preventing me from simply checking in every once in a while. (once or twice a year?) Email contact would be fine with me. Chinook, I like the idea of the occasional friendly email I guess. Color, as far as I know, I don't have any other reason to want to get in contact with her other than the fact that I don't feel bitter, so I don't wish to continue to act as if I am. Maybe this warrants more thought on my part.
gwynieatpain Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Do you think she's ready to be friend of yours again?
Author Ormolu611 Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 Do you think she's ready to be friend of yours again? Good question. I figured that maybe she was since she made what could be considered "friendly" overtures several months ago. Nonetheless, I have been thinking about it and considering the different thoughts here - I have decided that no, I will not be contacting her at this point. I have been reading some other threads that are kind of similar and I do not think that any good will be served at this point by trying to initiate contact with her of any kind. I started thinking that I do not want any of her emotional "complications" in my life right now, and that is what I risk by contacting her. Since I have started feeling like my old self again, I must say that it has been good! Maybe I do not want to jeapordize that - even though I feel that there would be minimal risk - why mess with it and take the chance? I would probably recommend this to anyone else in a similar situation as well.
BCCA Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I guess the thing I always point out is what sort of value do you see in this friendship? Is it really going to make you any happier to hear how shes doing a couple times a year? I'm sure you wish her the best, but do you really care about the ins and outs of her current life? I am not friends with any ex of mine, because I feel like you reach a point of no return once youve dated someone for a long time. Sure, maybe someone I went out with once or in high school, but anyone I was together with for longer than 6 months is just not going to make it back to the 'friends' category. I really truly believe that you just have to let the past, and the people in it, be the past. There is a reason youre not together, and I get the feeling it was more her idea than yours to split. Its good that youve moved on, so why bother with a friendship now?
FrustratedEnergy Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I agree with BCCA. I also do not keep ex's as friends. There's too much "high energy" there and it's nothing I think anyone should have to deal with. Do you really want / care enough about this person to be a part of their life? What's in it for you? Honestly, I tried being friends with one ex of mine after he reached out to me a few times, and I quickly realized how not worth it he is. He contacts me every once and awhile and wants to get together when he's home (he lives in another city) Quite honestly, what's the point? I see him and as much as I'm over him, I still harbor ill feelings toward him because of how he treated me (3 years ago) I think the only good thing I got from having spoke / see him again was a kiss and knowing how truly sorry he is and that he still cares for me deeply. That's all.
Weird Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I say there is no point to trying to be friends with an ex. I have tried it and it didn't work. I just do not see the end game of it...it isn't like one will be friends with their ex for the rest of their lives and all that jazz so to me it is a waste of time for some short term curiosity. Just MHO though.
pandagirl Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 It is possible to be friends with an ex, I have done it before, and we are still friends now. As long as you have no feelings of bitterness, hurt, jealously, etc., if you genuinely like you ex as a person/friends, and they feel the same way about you, then you can be friends. I know lots of people who are friends with their exes -- just depends on the nature of the break-up and if both parties were able to move on.
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