RogerThat Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 So, I have read the forums a bit and can see that you guys really know what's up and can help someone get their head straight when they aren't thinking clearly. I need that now and I hope you guys can find the time to help me. Some background. I met the girl overseas, became friends, I went to visit, we started dating casually long distance. Fast forward a few months from then and I act on previous plans to move to the city she is living in. Its Nyc I am talking about and even before meeting her I had plans to move here so it was not because of her, although she was certainly an incentive. After I moved we officially became a couple. Things were great for awhile (8 months to be exact), but I know moving there without really knowing anyone but her took its toll on us. She became a safety net for me here and I relied on her too much because of the situation of being in a new place. We started fighting over stupid things and I saw the break up coming, but was not man enough to end it so it dragged on for a couple of months. She said she felt pressured, she couldn't handle it anymore. I took it bad and told her I didn't want her in my life at all. Got through a couple of weeks of NC, but messaged her online for something work related after a couple of weeks. She does PR and I am a writer and I needed to ask about a product. Kept it professional, but slipped up and asked how she was doing, and then apologized and told her I was sorry for being so cold. Big mistake I know. After a couple of months she messages me asking to meet for lunch. I accept the offer and go in very confident and play it cool. She on the other hand was a wreck, cried when I showed up, made efforts to touch me, etc. And I found out from a mutual friend afterward that my demeanor was greatly admired by her. The lunch was about three weeks ago. Yesterday she messaged me congratulating me on something work related I posted on my blog. Through the graces of technology I know she looks at it everyday and this only confirmed that. After congratulating me she asked how I was and it came up that we would both be attending a work related party that night. I showed up to the party and was admittedly nervous about how to act. As soon as I walked in she found me. I told her I needed to go to the restroom and Id meet up with her later. After the restroom I randomly struck up a conversation with some guy and she came and stood behind me until the other guy introduced himself. After that a few more people came and it became a group setting and she pulled me aside and asked me how I was, how things were going. I said good and didnt ask about her at all. She offered to introduce me to some people, but I ended up just getting involved in other conversations around me. She got weird after that and went to the bathroom with her friend and when they came back they stood on the other side of the room and left without saying goodbye. I want to know if I handled this correctly. Despite all the bull **** that happend between us I think it was circumstancial and if we both grow up a bit things could be really great. I have established my independent self here in a new city and think that I can be stronger in the relationship now. I also know that she is the type who likes a challenge and I can't approach her at all. She has to come to me. But was I too cold last night? I am thinking too much right now and need you guys to kick me in the head and set me straight!
me1234 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 whether or not you handled it correctly depends on what you want to happen. can you please clarify what that is? in your last paragraph you seem to indicate that the relationship could work again. would you like to try again with her now, or would you like to try again down the road? being cold at the party would likely be the correct course of action if you are not interested - period - or if you would like to put things on ice for now and perhaps try again later. if you want to try again soon, you may have been a bit cold at the party, and it might be a good idea to throw some sort of a spark on the fire soon lest you risk the door closing for good. i understand she likes to be the pursuer, but playing too hard to get could backfire.
Author RogerThat Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 Good point. I would certainly like to get back together with her at some point. I think there needs to be some personal growth on both ends though first so down the road would be my answer
JamesM Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Your relationship with her was technically over as a couple, yes? Yet I think she is still hoping for another one with you. As soon as I walked in she found me. I told her I needed to go to the restroom and Id meet up with her later. After the restroom I randomly struck up a conversation with some guy and she came and stood behind me until the other guy introduced himself. First clue she wanted to be a couple again. She waited for you at the party. She snagged you right away, and even though you seemed to put her off, she waited to be a part of your night. It sounds like you kinda ignored her. After that a few more people came and it became a group setting and she pulled me aside and asked me how I was, how things were going. I said good and didnt ask about her at all. Again, she is showing interest in you. You are showing that you no longer care about her. Why didn't you ask how she was? Were you afraid that she was moving too quickly to be in a relationship? Do you want one with her? She offered to introduce me to some people, but I ended up just getting involved in other conversations around me. She had friends that she wanted you to meet. She got weird after that and went to the bathroom with her friend and when they came back they stood on the other side of the room and left without saying goodbye. As you may have figured, she was crying over being rejected, and her friend was consoling her. Why should she say goodbye when you showed no interest in her? I want to know if I handled this correctly. Depends. If you want a relationship with her, then no. If you want to keep her at a distance and never have a relationship with her, then yes. She has to come to me. She did...many times. And I think you recognize this. You are hoping that someone can say that it isn't as you think. She tried a number of times. Do you know how hard it was for her to wait for you so many times to only be ignored? But was I too cold last night? Yes. Based on your comments and her reactions, she felt completely ignored. I am thinking too much right now and need you guys to kick me in the head and set me straight! Ask yourself...what do you want with her? Do you want a relationship or not? At the party, she made every effort to start a relationship...which may have only have been an attempt at a friendship and not a intimate relationship, and every effort was either ignored or rejected. You know her, but if you think she would be open to it, then you can call her and apologize for ignoring her. But even still, in front of her friends (who probably know what the two of you had), she was put down. If you do not seek any future with her, then move on and forget what happened. If you do want a future with her, then initiate a call, because this time I think you will have to make a small attempt to start something after her attempts were rejected at the party.
JamesM Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I think there needs to be some personal growth on both ends though first so down the road would be my answer Down the road may be too late. But if you think "down the road," then my guess is that you do not really want a relationship with her as she is now. And if that is the case, then I think it is better to let this one go and move on. To me when someone says "she needs personal growth," then this says that he cannot accept her as she is. And the personal growth thing is a way of saying," she doesn't fit the idea of what I want in a girlfriend."
Author RogerThat Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 Well she said she needs personal growth. Space to figure out who she is. Thats why we broke up. She couldn't handle being "us" she needed to be her. So her words not mine. Its rough we are in our early twenties so its that period where you are right on the border of being ready for a serious relationship.
me1234 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Good point. I would certainly like to get back together with her at some point. I think there needs to be some personal growth on both ends though first so down the road would be my answer is it not possible for you to experience personal growth, together? if you're acting overly cold towards her now because you are waiting on something, the risk is that you may close the door for any future opportunity. knowing that she is the type that needs to be the pursuer - perhaps you could be more open to her advances while still remaining somewhat aloof. also, don't initiate any advances of your own - see where she leads things. if it gets to the point where she expresses a desire to get back together, then and only then voice your desires and also your concerns about personal growth, etc. if you bring up the idea of dating again before she presents it, you may scare her off, so wait until she brings it up - if ever. if she does, perhaps you could set up a conditional "dating" relationship without things being too serious - see where things go while working on the issues.
Author RogerThat Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 Thanks. That is my plan right now and has been. When we broke up she was a wreck and said she didnt know if she was doing the right thing. She said she just needs to be her and find herself again and that hopefully if we both grow stronger apart we can come back together stronger at some point. But like you said, it is up to her. I just wanted to hear if I blew it or not. I am having a very hard time finding how to act. I don't want to fall into the friend zone, but if she calls me up to hangout don't I need to go to see what happens?
me1234 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 knowing that you want to keep the door open, you were probably too cold at the party. stay somewhat aloof, but don't completely shut her out. be open to her advances, but don't go overboard, and don't initiate many (if any) advances of your own. if things lead to the point where she asks you to hang out - keep things as casual as possible. for starters, meet at a public place (bar, restaurant) and maybe even in a group. i think slow and steady is the best course of action until things become more clear. you don't want to rush back into anything at this point. in taking things slow, you'll have a chance to truly absorb what's going on and put lots of thought into where things are going and what you truly want.
Author RogerThat Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 Update: Just as I was about to email and apologize she messaged me and said she was very angry with me last night. I said I know I am sorry for being cold I was overwhelmed by the size of the crowd. She said she doesnt care about that, that she is angry because I mentioned that I was not home at 3am to her. and she doesnt need to know I am out with other ladies. It honestly came up when she asked about my roommate and I said I haven't seen or talked to him, but he called a few days ago to get into the apartment at 3am and I wasnt there. I didn't even think about saying it. I said I am sorry she took it that way and that I meant nothing by it, it just came up. And I called her out a bit for such a bold assumption and that there are plenty of reasons for being out at 3am, not that I need to explain. She apologized and we resolved the situation. Is the ball still in her court at this point?
citizen67 Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I think the ball is in YOUR court sir. Play it cool with a warm undercurrent. Let her contact you, but always be receptive when she does, and always kiss her with a big, hearty "Hello!" when you see her. Instead of saying you look great do an up and down checkout obvious enough for her to notice. Cool is great - cold is very bad
Author RogerThat Posted January 26, 2009 Author Posted January 26, 2009 Thanks. I am still having doubts on what to do though. I resolved the situation with her and she apologized for making assumptions about why I was out at 3am and why I mentioned it to her. But I still feel like she probably felt hurt and rejected from the party and thats not easy to get over. I keep thinking "man, what if she feels like she cant approach me now." I am scared I sent the wrong signals and now letting her come to me won't work. That is what I meant by asking whos ball the court is in. Do you guys think even in this situation that if she wants me she'll get over the rejection and contact me? The whole jealousy thing over me being out at 3am is a sure sign she still has strong feelings for me I think right?
Peter_pan Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 f it tell her how you feel. if she dosnt respond well or listen to you then she just isnt the one
FrustratedEnergy Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Redirecting: Instead of all this figuring out of your feelings upfront and wondering how she feels, reactions, etc. Why don't the two of you try going on a date? Nothing elaborate, something simple. A simple get together. This could speak volumes to the both of you and answer some questions it appears both of you have.
Author RogerThat Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 Well I mean we did go to lunch. I don't know if you read that part or you dont consider it a date. I really want to ask her on a date like you said, but she is the one who ended it and said she needed time to figure some things out and why she acted the way she did. ie.- fighting/nagging me about petty things. So as far as I have been concerned up to this point the ball is in her court. If and when she is ready she'll come back, but I cant pressure her thats what went wrong in the first place. But with me rejecting her at the party whether it was as a friend or not makes me want to reach out, but I am just so confused. ah!
me1234 Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Is the ball still in her court at this point? yes - she was the one who broke off the relationship. pursuing her at this point may drive her away. it's not as if she has stopped contacting you - she emailed you the day after the party. so, no need to resort to drastic measures. Do you guys think even in this situation that if she wants me she'll get over the rejection and contact me? The whole jealousy thing over me being out at 3am is a sure sign she still has strong feelings for me I think right? to answer your first question, yes. in fact, some people become more interested and persistent when they are presented w/ a challenge. However, be careful not to overdo it. to answer your 2nd question, yes, it is a sign she still has feelings - but jealous feelings in themself are generally anger, sadness, disgust, insecurity, fear, anxiety, etc. Jealous feelings can't really be looked at as an indicator of how she really feels about you. That will come to light in time and in other ways.
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