Ok, I think I've got a pretty unique one here.

[ArtAsylumBoy]

Ok. This is still a bit raw for me, but I've been visiting this site for a while and thought it would be a good place to gain some perspective.

 

Years ago, I was married and miserable. We both knew it was over long before it really was, but we chugged away seeing if things could change. I eventually took it upon myself to find a friend to talk to and just have some social interaction other than a wife that didn't care. I went on some social site and met this girl who turned out to be really great. We'd meet for coffee, have the occasional drink, meet for lunch, the kind of things you do with a friend. My wife knew about her so I tried to make it abundantly clear that I wasn't out to get a piece. The thing is, I started liking her more and more, and my current marital status never came up in conversation, so yeah, I kind of neglected to tell her I was still married. Mainly because I felt like I wasn't. My wife knew I had a friend, but my friend didn't know I had a wife. I know, I know. Stupid idea.

 

It didn't take long for us to get serious. We made love everyday, hung out as often as we could and did everything that a young couple in love would do. Of course it couldn't last forever. When my wife found out that she was more than a friend, it was pretty ugly. I came clean with my new girlfriend right away and told her everything. Needless to say, she didn't want to see me after that. My wife and I talked and as it turned out, my affair was the kick in the ass we needed to finally get divorced. We went through with it and I eventually met up with my girlfriend again to talk everything over. At the very least to give her some closure. During this talk, I tell her that even though I was married, I never cheated on her. Not even with my own wife. Which was true. From the day she and I met for coffee, I wouldn't so much as kiss my wife after that. Which wasn't as difficult to pull off with the situation we were in.

After a couple weeks, she contacts me and tells me that she can forgive me and we should have another go at it for real this time. As an official couple. It worked out pretty well actually. I mean, a few years later we ended up getting married and now have two beautiful children.

This is where It gets a little troublesome. About two weeks after we decided to get back together, I was trying to leave her a cute little message on her phone. Y'know, something to see when she got to work and opened it up. She had a new text message from a guy that said "Sounds great! See you then." Ok. So I go back a bit and see a few more from this guy. One that asks "And how are you this morning?" The kind of thing I would text her after a very passionate night between the two of us. Another one asked if she wanted to hang out the next day. to which she replied "Yeah sure... Your Place?" Ok. So maybe it was someone she met after I hurt her and she needed a rebound. I was ok with that, but I needed to be sure. So I asked her about it and she tells me that he was a friend of a co-worker that she had been blowing off. She tells me that he's been trying to meet her and she's been making excuses not to, because he was some old bald guy and that it's no big deal. I decided that after everything I put her through, it would be fair to give her benefit of the doubt. So I told her I believed her and left it alone. I know. Probably another stupid mistake. I still wrote down the number when she wasn't looking and did a reverse lookup and found out he was actually a younger guy who lived in the next town over. But again. I truted her and I didn't want to rock the boat so I let it go.

The next few weeks are spent getting our lives and our relationship back in order. Her friend had a new baby during all this, so she'd go and visit with her and spend the night sometimes. Which would give me a chance to be alone and have some time to figure things out after all I've been through.

So the years go on and that brings us to today. I've been having a tough time personally and as a result of that, I've been thinking back to that whole time in our lives and some new questions pop up. I start piecing things together and stuff just seems off. So after all these years, I get the balls to use a fake facebook profile to contact that guy with and tell him I was an old friend of hers. I find out they dated for a while.

I confronted her about this yesterday and she finally admitted that even after telling me she wanted to get back together and that everything was fine, she still ended up meeting this guy and dating him for a few weeks. Half of those times she said she was at her friend's house were actually spent with him. She told me she was sleeping over to help her friend with her newborn and it turns out it was so she could go **** this guy.

It wasn't like she met him during our break and just riding it out. We had gotten back together and a few weeks later started seeing him. It only lasted a few weeks and she decided she wanted me instead, but its very little consolation. The worst part is that based on the texts I found, I knew she was lying the whole time. but I was so ashamed of not telling her I was married, I was afraid of losing her, so I didn't want to fight.

Last night we stayed up until 5 am arguing about it. My biggest problem was that after 5 years, I tried countless times to get her to admit what she's done. During one conversation I told her how I would much rather found out about anything from her out of the blue then to have to find out on my own. I tried so hard to get her to come clean. I finally couldn't take it anymore.

I want to thank anyone who's still hanging on here. Any advice would be welcome. I know I never told her I was married, but I never cheated on her. I mean, why tell me you want to get back together if you're just going to run off a week later and **** some other guy? She told me it wasn't to get even with me because she knew I never did anything with my wife while I was still married. Hell, if I did have sex with my wife once in a while it probably would've let my affair go a lot longer. I don't know...

So yeah...

[Davey McG]

Karma came and bit you in the ass.

 

You cheated on your wife and your OW cheated on you.

 

Not sure what you should do, but there seems to be a lack of trust on both sides and you've both lied to each other. She probably felt entitled to get it on with that guy because she figured you'd been with your wife for a long period of your relationship.

[hunkahunkaburninlove]

You led the way. You lied to her. Are you pissed because she was a better liar? If so ask her what her secret is so that you can be a better liar too. She's with you now. She chose you. If you didn't want her to sleep around you shouldn't have.

[norajane]

People date multiple people in the early stages of dating all the time, until they pick the one they want to be with. And yes, they have sex with them, too. So even though she was willing to "get back together" and date you, she was still in wait and see mode - she didn't know how things would turn out with you, so she kept her options open and started dating the other guy, too. You DID lie to her about being married, so she really didn't know whether getting back together was going to work out and didn't want to commit completely to your relationship yet.

 

Should she have explained that to you at the time so that you knew she was seeing other people as well? Yes, absolutely. Just like you should have told her you were married instead of lying to her the whole time so she'd fall in love with you, until your wife caught you.

 

Why didn't she explain it to you then? Why did you lie to her about being married? Both of you were selfish and self-centered and thinking of yourselves and what you wanted in each scenario, rather than about the well-being of the other person.

 

She forgave you for your lies. Can you forgive her for hers?

 

If you want to weigh which lie was worse, I'd say your lie was worse since she only carried on her multiple-dating for a few weeks until she made up her mind to commit to you, whereas you kept lying until you were caught.

 

Water under the bridge. You're married now and it's up to both of you to make your marriage work.

[laRubiaBonita]

this is my favorite line......

 

 

 

I tell her that even though I was married, I never cheated on her. Not even with my own wife.

[lamaman3]

Whats the big deal? She got burned by you because out of the blue you told her that you were going home to a wife and she started dating someone else. When you wanted to get back together with her - it took her a few weeks to cut the chord with the other guy and see if you were for real considering how you lied the first time about being married. So you lied about being married, she lied about dating a guy - the whole sex thing is irrelevant and its just your ego not liking another man screwing her. And all of this was before you were married - just let it go.

 

I think the most disturbing thing about this is your snooping. You were looking in her phone to find something - you dont leave a message on someones own phone - you send them one from your phone to theirs. Creating a facebook profile to contact this guy borders on obsessive stalking. Either your relationship wasnt that good so you were hoping to catch her doing something wrong - or you have a jealousy problem. If you snoop - youre going to find something that you dont like - thats why people allow others their privacy. Just accept it and work on having a good relationship with your wife.

[ArtAsylumBoy]

First off, thank you for your replies and more importantly, thank you for not going right for "You two should break up!" or "Let God lead the way!" or any of that silly stuff.

I find it very hard to disagree with any of you. You're right. It ultimately came down to me. I had plenty of opportunities to tell her I was married and get it over with. The problem I'm having through all this is that after everything about my marriage came out, we did take a break. She did her thing, and I did what I could to work on myself and stop being such a screw up. But why would she tell me that she's figured everything out and wants to get back together if she's going to head out a week later and start dating another guy? He wasn't left over from our break. She didn't even meet him until we started up again. It's not like I called and begged her to take me back either. I gave her space. She called me and said she wanted to see me again. I guess that's what I'm having trouble understanding. Like I said, I didn't want to lose her, and I was such an emotional wreck at the time, so I would've been happy to give her a few more weeks to sort things out.

Like I said in the original letter, this whole fight happened about two days ago. Last night, we both decided to take a few days and get our thoughts sorted out and then we're both coming clean about everything and using this as a brand new start.

I guess I'm just looking for some perspective. After my marriage was revealed, I've been honest about everything with her. If I ever gave a co-worker a ride home, I'd call her and tell her I'll be five minutes late getting home. If I ever talked on the phone to an old female friend from college, I'd make sure to fill her in on who it was, share some anecdotes, and do my best to introduce them as soon as possible. To be honest, my big problem isn't with the cheating. It's that she waited five years to tell me when I knew the whole time. It's ruined everything for me. Our whole life just feels cheapened and it sucks. I don't know, that's all I have to say for now. Anyone else with anything else, please, I'm all ears...

[Chinook]

I think you're raw from the actual truth of what happened being revealed now. Like you said, you really already knew this when it happened or soon after. The fact she didnt tell you and you didn't ask is really irrelevant now. What is important now is that it appears you two guys actually HAVE come clean and that you have a clearer picture of where you are. I need you to think about this. I need you to think about what you have now, and your domestic situation. Before this blew up, you were happy. Before this blew up, you carried on as normal with your family situation. The fact is that you have a stable family home life. She chose you for a reason. That reason was because she had grown already to love you, despite the fact that you had clearly demonstrated your lack of integrity. It may be that she was simply waiting you out, waiting for you to prove yourself worthy before she chucked in dating completely. What that means is that she made a conscious choice to put you first. She decided you were the man she wanted. She then made the decision to marry you - knowing there was a risk of infidelity (the old saying, if you can do it once, you can do it again). You may have told her that you didn't think it was necessary to tell her about your marriage... but to be fair, that's a pretty big thing to overlook. Likewise I think she was in the position where she simply chose you... she didn't really need to rub your nose in the relationship she had. Why would she....? I think you need to be aware of where you are now and be thankful that you guys actually CAN come clean and attempt to overcome things, alot cannot.

[Dexter Morgan]

What comes around goes around. karma stings like a bitch, doesn't it?

[JennaGennaro]

What I do not understand is what has brought you to this point that you would want to bring something up that happened all these years ago and after, as you put it, "two beautiful children." Perhaps I am missing something from your post?

 

I don't see it all that odd to wonder about things from one's past and reflect on the choices/mistakes made and why you did what you did, but there must be something else that is going on that would cause you to go through all this detective work rather than talk to your current wife.

 

It's just my opinion, but unless she is currently seeing this guy again, you should forgive/forget her past indiscretion as she did with you when you neglected to tell her you were still married. You can't beat someone over the head for something and keep bringing it up -- it isn't fair. You either need to forgive and forget or let her go because it is not fair to her. Considering you have children, I would try to work this out for their sake as it doesn't sound like a big deal, unless there are current marital problems, then you should try to work them out.

[ArtAsylumBoy]

I know, I know. Believe me. I know it's completely irrational thinking on my part. But like I said, I've known all these years that she saw him while we were together. I just didn't know the extent of it. And like an idiot, I told her I wanted to know things I didn't really want to know. I think everyone who's been to this website is guilty of that at one point or another.

While it may have been old news for her, It's all brand new to me. Over the years I've been able to get over a lot of issues regarding it, so when I got the rest of the story, there's new things that hurt. I like to think I took it really well. There was no yelling, no name calling, definitely no physical abuse. We sat and talked and I told her that there's obviously trust issues between us and that this is going to take me some time.

I feel bad because I've never fully trusted her for the entire length of our relationship. I'll feel like I'll be able to eventually now that there are no more skeletons, but I look back on the past few years and think of how much better off we could've been. Of course I'm going to be able to move on. I realize I owe her at least that. I'm just unsure as to what to do from here.

[JennaGennaro]

ArtAsylumBoy,

 

I'm glad I didn't miss something from your post - I REALLY tried to read it all, trust me.

 

So basically you have been reflecting on the past several years and you thought about this time back then. If that is the case and there were no children created out of wedlock by your "was girlfriend"/"now wife" and she is not carrying on with this guy, then I would just let it go. If you don't forgive/forget, you are going to cause a strain in your marriage and is it really worth it because your feelings/ego were bruised? I'm not trying to belittle your feelings at all, but it seems like a real non-issue to me.

 

I could tell you about the mistake I made with this guy from 11 years ago and that I had a dream about it a few months ago and how it makes me wonder why I did what I did and if I could have done anything different. But the fact remains, I have been happily married to my husband for 10 years now (which happened the year after the mistake guy). I, like you, were curious as to what happened with this guy, so I did some online snooping. It turns out he has been married FOUR TIMES - all by the age of 35!!!. Boy am I glad I didn't end up with him, but then again, the stupid part of me thinks maybe I could have made the difference for him since I have been together with my husband this long. It's stupid to think that way because I wouldn't change my life for anything, but just because of that STUPID dream!!! I blame it on my pregnancy hormones and feeling like I am going through a little midlife crisis at 34. I think when people's love lives become less exciting, their minds start to wander.

 

Anyway, your then girlfriend became your now wife and you seem like you have been happy for most of your marriage. You have two beautiful children. Don't let what happened so long ago break up a wonderful union. Whatever you are going through, work through it. Grab your wife and tell her you want to put it in the past where it belongs and go have a date together!

[norajane]

I've been having a tough time personally and as a result of that, I've been thinking back to that whole time in our lives and some new questions pop up. I start piecing things together and stuff just seems off. So after all these years, I get the balls to use a fake facebook profile to contact that guy with and tell him I was an old friend of hers. I find out they dated for a while.

That's really the key to your problem. You have been having a tough time with something, probably feeling bad about yourself? Whatever it is, you've chosen to transfer all your bad feelings on this old lie, and even to go so far as to create ridiculous ruses to find things to make your gf feel bad about herself - instead of facing your own issues.

 

It's called avoidance. Deal with your REAL problem, whatever it is that you mean by saying you've been having a tough time personally. Once you've dealt with that, you'll realize that you've manufactured a problem with your wife where there really is none in order to avoid dealing with your real issues.

[Trialbyfire]

And like an idiot, I told her I wanted to know things I didn't really want to know. I think everyone who's been to this website is guilty of that at one point or another.

No, not everyone wants to hide from truth, in relationships.

 

Your relationship started off with dishonesty, lying and cheating on your wife and lying to the OW. Your OW then lied and according to you, cheated on you, although I suspect there was no discussion of exclusivity so technically, she didn't cheat on you. So now, you're having some issues trusting the OW.

 

This is about projection. If you can't trust yourself to stick to vows of commitment, how will you ever trust anyone else to do so?

[ArtAsylumBoy]

Yes. A lot of this stems from my own personality and ego. I feel like a lot of the problems I have can go back to that period in our lives. We talked last night and I brought up all these other times she would go out with friends and I was genuinely ok with it. Because I trusted her completely. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that she was thrilled to be with me.

But ever since her relationship with this guy, I naturally start questioning my own self worth. Clearly I wasn't good enough for her. Even though she sat there and promised me we were going to be together and that I was all she thought about. Again, it's one thing if she reluctantly came back to me after I begged her, but she sought me out and told me she wanted us to be together, then went off behind my back anyway.

The guy was successful, good looking, had money, total package kind of guy. So of course my ego and self esteem are completely shot after finding this out. I always knew I was lucky to have her and I did whatever I could to show her that. I thought that even though I wasn't rich or able to take her out every night we hung out, at least treating her well would make up for it. So yeah, it sucked to find those text messages. And again, I wasn't snooping. I didn't feel I had to at that point. I can't help but wonder what I would've found if I did take it upon myself to snoop. It's always been in the back of my head all these years and like one of the other posts said, when times are tough, you start to dwell. During these times I realized I'm not in the best mental shape. But I've been taking steps to fix that and part of what I feel I need to do is gain total closure over anything we've been through.

I still love my wife more than anything. I do plan on forgiving her and moving on in time. I know that through it all, I'm to blame for building our relationship on a big lie to begin with. I live with that guilt everyday which is I why I can say without a doubt that I treat my wife better than most other men. It's almost a form of atonement for me. But after all these years, she lets me worship the ground she walks on and meanwhile, she knows deep down she owes me some sort of effort as well. I feel manipulated. She let me dote on her and give her the upper hand in our relationship when we should've been on level ground, equally giving and receiving. I feel like a fool.

This whole thing has been key in getting my own head straight. I told her from now on, there is no more pedestal. And she needs to start giving as much as I do if she wants this to work. I can change. I know I can. But she needs to as well.

Does it sound fair if we settle this and promise each other a fresh start? Like, as of now, we may as well have just started dating? Granted, I know we have kids and we're in really deep with each other, but I want us to go forward without any secrets. Am I fair to ask this of her?

[sw1911ct]

I came clean with my new girlfriend right away and told her everything.

 

I know I never told her I was married, but I never cheated on her.

So which is it? It does make some difference in the way these two wrongdoings came out. You eventually admitted to her that you were married and put it all on the line while being honest.

 

She not only didn't come clean to you but lied about it along the way when you asked. That makes it a little worse for most people