Truly Lost Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Hi everyone, I've been reading everyone's postings for awhile now and was hoping someone might give me some helpful insight to my breakup with the a** I was with for a year and a half. We broke up the day before new years eve 08, but I would say we technically broke up on Christmas evening because that is when we got in a nasty fight. Well to start.....I'm in my mid-30s (just to let you know). When I met this guy I meshed with him really well. I was attracted to him, had a great time with him (good conversations, you know the usual dream person senario) anyway, I was feeling really lucky to be with this guy, I mean on top of the world!! I did have some issues with him, however. I noticed that even with his having a job, he was always broke. Now, I didn't have any suspicions because he didn't have any other characteristics that would make me think otherwise. I figured if there was anything he needed to tell me he would at least have the courtesy to get everything out on the table as soon as possible, especially after two months. (I was so naive). Well, he didn't. I found out after a friend of mine dragged it out of him (and threatened to tell me herself) that he has two kids and is/was married. He finally took me to the side and told me that night about his past. He said his divorce was finilized about a week or two earlier (I really wonder if he was telling me the truth about that). I was so beside myself, sick to my stomach, frustrated...TWO KIDS!! Everything I had thought about him wasn't real. I thought one day, if it gets to that point, we could experience maybe getting married, having a child, etc. Come to find out he already had that with someone else. I was crushed. Why hold back info like that??? I didn't ask him about having kids because I honestly didn't think he did. He didn't have any of the signs (pictures of his kids) around the place he lives (they don't live with him and he hasn't seen them in 5 plus years). No indication of anything. I thought he was like me. Single, never been married, no kids. I should have asked, I know. But I really, really didn't think he did. So now I was dealing with accepting this fact. He said he wanted to tell me but was afraid that I would run off like a scared puppy, like some people have before me. His plan was to lure me in and get me to have feelings for him before he drops the bomb on me. I was livid, I can't express how pissed off I was. I was going to break up with him that evening, because this situation had BAD written all over it. But I was again foolish and holding on to the "this might be the one" idea and decided to give it a try. Although it was not easy and I made it very obvious to him for many weeks after. Well, the relationship continued and he was very good to me in the sense that he was more interested in doing things I wanted to do, mostly because I was the one with the money. When I first met him, he brought me over to his place, which was actually his dad's one bedroom condo. He slept in the living room. He said he moved here from another state to see about getting a job in the area and basically to start over. So you can believe that I was relieved that his living situation was only going to be temporary, just to get back on his feet. Well, I learned later that it had been two years that he was living in the area. He made no progress. Just got a low paying job. That was it. Ugh! I still kept the hope up that things would get better. I spoiled him rotten. I bought him things and helped him pay for a lot of his bills, paid for all of our dinners, whether it was at home or at a restaurant. Only once in awhile did he pay, which would be negated because the rest of the week I would pay. Then he began to talk down to me in front of my roommates, friends, and family. He would snap at me constantly and never allowed me to enjoy myself. It was noticable that he didn't care if I was having a good time when we went out together with friends or family. He was more concerned with himself and wanting to do what was more interesting to him. I thought to myself...."How dare you...I pay for everything...I practically own you....the least you can do is be courteous to me and allow me to enjoy myself". But he didn't. Everything was about him. If he wasn't enjoying himself, then I wasn't going to enjoy myself either. I began to feel like I was really alone. I did nothing but trying to make this a** as happy as I could, but he never returned the favor. I guess he thought his company was enough. Anyway to sum him up. He is a loser. He has a terrible paying job that is inconsistant in pay (meaning some weeks he works 5 days and some he works maybe 3), he has terrible credit, can't get a checking account, divorced, has two kids, his wages are garnished, lives with this dad, has a crappy car (that he wouldn't have if it wasn't for me), and is in debt to me for a couple thousand. I don't want him back, but I'm still terribly hurt that someone like this could be this way, when I was so giving. He was for the most part polite to me and affectionate (but that doesn't cost anything, right?) He still owes me money, so I have to see him again. We aren't together now, but he wants to be friends. Why?? So he can use me some more?
thegoodguy Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Some people are kind of like leeches I suppose, they just use others. Judging from your post it doesn't seem like he really cared about you all that much, I'm guessing he was just using you. Oh well, now you can find a better guy. Oh and when you're dealing with someone who's been through a divorce, especially when there are 2 kids involved, it's probably best to find out why they got divorced, it might be a good indication of what's to come in your own relationship.
lonelygurl Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I'm sorry you have been hurt. He is not the type of guy you want to be with. First he wasn't honest. He didn't tell you everything up front which should be discussed if things are starting to get serious. I mean if he has kids...... Also, to have you pay for everything, including his bills....he was using you. Then to start belittling you...that sounds like rude and controlling behaviour. I might suggest a good book to read called Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood.
BoerumHill Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 He still owes me money, so I have to see him again. We aren't together now, but he wants to be friends. Why?? So he can use me some more? What a jerk. I'm very sorry you invested so much of yourself in someone who doesn't deserve you. I just wanted to say you don't need to see him again. Odds are pretty solid that money is gone and you'll never see it. But even still, he can contact you by email, and send the money snail mail, whatever. There is no value in seeing him again. It's gonna be better if you just cut him off, tell him to pay you when he can (he won't), and put it all behind you. But don't empower him by dragging this out by meeting him again just because he owes you money. Prepare yourself mentally that the money is gone already. If he pays you back it's like finding money in the gutter, nice suprise, but I wouldn't count on it happening.
nature Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I didn't ask him about having kids because I honestly didn't think he did. He didn't have any of the signs (pictures of his kids) around the place he lives (they don't live with him and he hasn't seen them in 5 plus years). Right here is a huge red flag waving at you. But you fooled yourself into believing what you wanted to believe. So you didnt take the facts for what they were. Not only was he behaving cheap with you right from the start, but you found out only 2 months after dating that he's a dead-beat dad. So now I was dealing with accepting this fact. He said he wanted to tell me but was afraid that I would run off like a scared puppy, like some people have before me. Accepting the fact and walking away would have been the healthy thing to do, but live and learn. I doubt anyone ran off like a scared puppy. They more than likely ran off, thinking loser/user. His plan was to lure me in and get me to have feelings for him before he drops the bomb on me. I was livid, I can't express how pissed off I was. I was going to break up with him that evening, because this situation had BAD written all over it. Again, all the signs. Nothing about this relationship started off healthy. Thus, could probably never be healthy. But I was again foolish and holding on to the "this might be the one" idea and decided to give it a try. Although it was not easy and I made it very obvious to him for many weeks after. You were wanting to change the situation and turn it into something it wasn't...a healthy situation with a healthy man. When I first met him, he brought me over to his place, which was actually his dad's one bedroom condo. He slept in the living room. He said he moved here from another state to see about getting a job in the area and basically to start over. So you can believe that I was relieved that his living situation was only going to be temporary, just to get back on his feet. Well, I learned later that it had been two years that he was living in the area. He made no progress. Just got a low paying job. That was it. Ugh! Just one more huge sign that it's time to walk away. Yet you still stuck around trying to make the situation something that it wasn't. I still kept the hope up that things would get better. Fooling yourself, hoping that you would be the one to change this man-child. I spoiled him rotten. I bought him things and helped him pay for a lot of his bills, paid for all of our dinners, whether it was at home or at a restaurant. Only once in awhile did he pay, which would be negated because the rest of the week I would pay. Why? Why on earth would you have spoiled this loser and paid for most things? Why? You set yourself up for heartache. You enabled him to be a leech/loser/user. He was more concerned with himself and wanting to do what was more interesting to him. I thought to myself...."How dare you...I pay for everything...I practically own you....the least you can do is be courteous to me and allow me to enjoy myself". This is not healthy behaviour on your part either. Nobody should own another. You paid for everything and in turn, expected him to be the boyfriend you dreamed of having. It doesn't work this way. You cannot buy someones' love. Anyway to sum him up. He is a loser. Yes he is, and he made that clear in the first 2 months of dating. I don't want him back, but I'm still terribly hurt that someone like this could be this way, when I was so giving. Again, you cannot change someone. No matter how giving or loving. His characteristics were so clear right from the time you started dating. I'm sure the poor woman who had two children with this guy suffered because of his laziness. so why would you come along and spoil this deadbeat? A guy with two kids who has probably never offered to pay child support or help out in the children's lives? That is what you wanted for yourself? That is the kind of man you thought would be a healthy boyfriend/husband? He still owes me money, so I have to see him again. No you don't have to see him again. Have him mail you a cheque, or contact his father and have him give you the money. Or have one of your friends collect it from him. If he ever even bothers to save up the money to pay you back. Which I somehow doubt. We aren't together now, but he wants to be friends. Why?? So he can use me some more? Ha ha ha! Of course he wants to be "friends"! Why wouldn't he? No sweat off his back to be your "friend". Stick around and be his "friend" or leave and don't. Won't make a difference either way to this dead beat, lazy fellow. It's your call. I wouldn't read to much into his wanting to be friends. Judging from the past, he can take it or leave it. Move on. And remember, do not enable this type of behaviour in the future.
Author Truly Lost Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 Oh and when you're dealing with someone who's been through a divorce, especially when there are 2 kids involved, it's probably best to find out why they got divorced, it might be a good indication of what's to come in your own relationship. I asked him so many times. He told me all kinds of aweful things he went through with his exwife, but it was only his side. He would never tell me what he did to prevoke her, which I'm sure he did many aweful thing to her on several occasions to encourage a break up. He was not the perfect person and I'm pretty sure what he did to me is exactly what he did to her. He is no saint.
BigRedBoss657 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Wow, be thankful you're out of that situation. That guy sounds, no is, a loser. That is certianly a good point; find out why a person got divorced is sound before seriously going out with them. It's puzzling as why exes want to be friends, especially those who clearly are better than they are. Anyway, let this guy out of your life. Sounds no good at all.
Recommended Posts