carhill Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 I don't at all agree with the statement "He likely will not change". Sure, his personality will not change 100% but it is very likely his personality can be tweaked enough that he will not be afraid to make more decisions. Some like him are very open to change with the right encouragement. Some will refuse. Hard to tell which in this case. I would suggest you engage a psychologist to assist you with understanding essential personality characteristics. Delineating emotional style, genetic and socialized personality characteristics and what we lay people call "behavior" has been an interesting journey of discovery. I've found I can modify behaviors (as I've noted in the post you quoted) but my intrinsic emotional style and basic psychological dynamic has remained unchanged throughout life. Acceptance of differing psychological factors in each other was key to effective MC. If we had gone earlier, before my love died, the behaviors being modified would have been far more efficacious in saving our M. I functioned as a sincere decent man for a good 20 years of my adult life and know exceedingly well how women responded to that natural setpoint. I still default to that setpoint but counseling (MC) has taught me how to set healthier boundaries to command respect. The underlying signals are still the same though, so still unattractive to the majority of women who prefer and are attracted to their perception of what a "masculine" man is. Feel free to disagree but I've had a lifetime of experience and it's right there in my journals. The OP could've been describing me (pre MC) in her first post. Women respond to me far more positively now than they ever had before. The hard work is consciously making the behavioral changes, which is something that has to occur each minute of the day. It's pervasive. I practiced it tonight in the grocery store I think the OP and her BF, with proper guidance, could find a healthy solution. If she's lost attraction or is bored with him, it's a lot less recoverable, if my experience is any guide. Hope it works out for them
39388 Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 I would suggest you engage a psychologist to assist you with understanding essential personality characteristics. Delineating emotional style, genetic and socialized personality characteristics and what we lay people call "behavior" has been an interesting journey of discovery. I've found I can modify behaviors (as I've noted in the post you quoted) but my intrinsic emotional style and basic psychological dynamic has remained unchanged throughout life. Acceptance of differing psychological factors in each other was key to effective MC. If we had gone earlier, before my love died, the behaviors being modified would have been far more efficacious in saving our M. I functioned as a sincere decent man for a good 20 years of my adult life and know exceedingly well how women responded to that natural setpoint. I still default to that setpoint but counseling (MC) has taught me how to set healthier boundaries to command respect. The underlying signals are still the same though, so still unattractive to the majority of women who prefer and are attracted to their perception of what a "masculine" man is. Feel free to disagree but I've had a lifetime of experience and it's right there in my journals. The OP could've been describing me (pre MC) in her first post. Women respond to me far more positively now than they ever had before. The hard work is consciously making the behavioral changes, which is something that has to occur each minute of the day. It's pervasive. I practiced it tonight in the grocery store I think the OP and her BF, with proper guidance, could find a healthy solution. If she's lost attraction or is bored with him, it's a lot less recoverable, if my experience is any guide. Hope it works out for them I think I see what you are saying. Everybody is different though. I struggle a lot with the same things as the boyfriend of the OP. I'm often afraid to do things feeling scared of the consequences, which are often imagined. That said, as I age I find myself getting less and less afraid of these things. Also, I often am afraid early in a friendship. What often eases this fear is them telling me not to be afraid of making some mistakes. It is not a good thing that I have to be told this and I am sure it has decreased the number of friendships I have. Sometimes I can do it on my own. Now this helps in terms of that one friendship but usually does not transfer to others. The BF is only 26 and he may well have a similar fear that I have had. If this fear can go away in terms of his interactions with his GF they may well have a very very good relationship. I have found positive encouragement helps me in this type of situation. For others, it may take something different or may even be next to impossible. I agree the underlying signals are unattractive to most (not all) women. What I'm unsure of is why and I see plenty of conflicting opinions on this. Were the majority of women born that way? Were they taught to be that way by a society that tells them that males like the BF (and me) are worthless losers? I'd guess some of each, but I don't know for sure. I know how much it bites when even a friend says "you are too nice". Until recently it made me really angry and confused. Now, I know what is really meant. I'm 34 and I had no idea until a year ago.
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