Jaytb Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I don't want a bad boy. I don't want a guy that treats me like crap. I don't want a guy who beats me. I don't want a guy to kiss my ass 24/7. I don't want a guy who will put me up on a pedestal above all else in his life. I don't want a guy to cater to what I want all of the time. I just want him to be himself! I don't want him to feel like he has to try so hard to please me. I'm not really the demanding or needy type. I encourage him to go hang out with his guy friends or girl friends and most of the time he'll say no and say something like, "I just need you." He used to hang out with his friends all the time before we got serious, and now he rarely talks to them and it's not because I'm all jealous and don't want him to do anything else.....the exact opposite. As I just said, it seems like he has two different personalities. Before we started our relationship and were strictly just friends, he seemed more relaxed.....we had interesting conversations because he wouldn't hesitate to disagree with me or be blunt with me. Ever since we've been together, now he's over the top nice to me 24/7. I can relate to this. I'm like your boyfriend in this respect. In fact, I thought you were describing me this whole time lol. All you need to do is tell him to be more assertive and less passive. He'll probably understand, I know I do. When it comes to eating out and stuff, I would just not care what we do, so internally I would think "hm, let her decide what to do, I don't care one bit, that will make her happy". After all, I'm sort of versatile when it comes to such matters. Also, another thing to keep in mind is that he's trying to avoid conflict, so he's pretty much keeping his brain on edge at all times (like me lol). Tell him you won't be mad or overly contentious if he loosened up, and make sure you don't get mad or argumentative!
Author pinkelephant Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 I can relate to this. I'm like your boyfriend in this respect. In fact, I thought you were describing me this whole time lol. All you need to do is tell him to be more assertive and less passive. He'll probably understand, I know I do. When it comes to eating out and stuff, I would just not care what we do, so internally I would think "hm, let her decide what to do, I don't care one bit, that will make her happy". After all, I'm sort of versatile when it comes to such matters. Also, another thing to keep in mind is that he's trying to avoid conflict, so he's pretty much keeping his brain on edge at all times (like me lol). Tell him you won't be mad or overly contentious if he loosened up, and make sure you don't get mad or argumentative! I know he's capable of making decisions so I'd love for him to decide what he wants to do occasionally. For example.....we've seen many movies together and I swear he hasn't chosen a single movie despite how many times I ask him to pick for a change. I think part of it is that he's really easy going and he doesn't really care what we do. I just don't see how he can stay happy with me if he gives me control all of the time. It would make me happy for him to be...."selfish" occasionally lol. I could be like, "let's go belly flop onto some dog poo and then take a nap in the road" and he'd be like "okay sweetie! whatever you want to do!" I'm sure he's not THAT easy going and I'm sure he has his limits but I haven't discovered them yet. I want him to be happy. I don't want his happiness to thrive off of making me happy all of the time.
Jaytb Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I know he's capable of making decisions so I'd love for him to decide what he wants to do occasionally. For example.....we've seen many movies together and I swear he hasn't chosen a single movie despite how many times I ask him to pick for a change. I think part of it is that he's really easy going and he doesn't really care what we do. I just don't see how he can stay happy with me if he gives me control all of the time. It would make me happy for him to be...."selfish" occasionally lol. I could be like, "let's go belly flop onto some dog poo and then take a nap in the road" and he'd be like "okay sweetie! whatever you want to do!" I'm sure he's not THAT easy going and I'm sure he has his limits but I haven't discovered them yet. I want him to be happy. I don't want his happiness to thrive off of making me happy all of the time. The first step would be some dialog with him. I'm sure it's not a big deal for him, for me it wasn't. You just need to tell him to be a little more assertive.
eclipseIDE Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I know he's capable of making decisions so I'd love for him to decide what he wants to do occasionally. For example.....we've seen many movies together and I swear he hasn't chosen a single movie despite how many times I ask him to pick for a change. I think part of it is that he's really easy going and he doesn't really care what we do. I just don't see how he can stay happy with me if he gives me control all of the time. It would make me happy for him to be...."selfish" occasionally lol. I could be like, "let's go belly flop onto some dog poo and then take a nap in the road" and he'd be like "okay sweetie! whatever you want to do!" I'm sure he's not THAT easy going and I'm sure he has his limits but I haven't discovered them yet. I want him to be happy. I don't want his happiness to thrive off of making me happy all of the time. Like someone else posted maybe these things arent important to him. Maybe its not the end of the world if he goes where you want to eat. Maybe hes not as picky as you are. Maybe you complain about whatever he chooses so he stopped picking to avoid conflict with you? I swear do women invent things to complain about? Oh my boyfriends boring because he wants to go where I want to go. I wish I had those problems with women.
LiL_Byrd Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 This isn't a competition about who has it worse and blah blah blah. We could compare your post (which I just read) to someone with a more serious problem; and I'm sure yours would look like a bunch of whining. Okay, so im sure there are worse things out there, like a boyfriend beating their gf up, but my situation is still bad. And yours, not so much. I am not trying to compete to see who's got it the worst or whatever, I am simply saying you have a boyfriend that loves you and respects you and wants to do nice things for you! Open your eyes!
39388 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I know he's capable of making decisions so I'd love for him to decide what he wants to do occasionally. For example.....we've seen many movies together and I swear he hasn't chosen a single movie despite how many times I ask him to pick for a change. I think part of it is that he's really easy going and he doesn't really care what we do. I just don't see how he can stay happy with me if he gives me control all of the time. It would make me happy for him to be...."selfish" occasionally lol. I could be like, "let's go belly flop onto some dog poo and then take a nap in the road" and he'd be like "okay sweetie! whatever you want to do!" I'm sure he's not THAT easy going and I'm sure he has his limits but I haven't discovered them yet. I want him to be happy. I don't want his happiness to thrive off of making me happy all of the time. He always wants to please. You can tell him it is very important to you that he chooses some of the restaurants and movies and not to worry so much if he makes a bad choice. Tell him that some risk taking is good and it is ok to make some mistakes. You can complement him on all the nice things he does in between. It is important that you tell him this before too long. It is all about communication. If he responds positively, very good sign. He sounds a lot like I am sometimes when I'm around a good friend and I definitely worry that I could be like this when I get a girlfriend. Then again, look at all the disasterous relationships. If you can just fix this half way, you will be much happier than most people. He sounds like a person that if you really needed him, he would be there and that is very important in a marriage.
reservoirdog1 Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 But look at it this way, because you stood your ground on things that are important to you, you didn't get stuck again with someone who wasn't right for you. Would you rather be overly passive, and be stuck with someone you ultimately are not happy with, or be able to move on and find the right person? Right you are DG, and thanks for saying that. Was just feeling a bit punchy there this morning.
dreamergrl Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Like someone else posted maybe these things arent important to him. Maybe its not the end of the world if he goes where you want to eat. Maybe hes not as picky as you are. Maybe you complain about whatever he chooses so he stopped picking to avoid conflict with you? I swear do women invent things to complain about? Oh my boyfriends boring because he wants to go where I want to go. I wish I had those problems with women. I don't understand how you can call OP picky when she clearly would like to do things that her bf would like to do. Not to mention you have no reason to state that she complains about what he chooses. Why the heck would she come here wishing to do more things for him if she doesn't want to? It would be like me saying maybe you wish you had this problems because you want someone to do things just for you all the time. Maybe you'd like the kind of relationship where someone just bends over and takes it how you want it every single day. Okay, so im sure there are worse things out there, like a boyfriend beating their gf up, but my situation is still bad. And yours, not so much. I am not trying to compete to see who's got it the worst or whatever, I am simply saying you have a boyfriend that loves you and respects you and wants to do nice things for you! Open your eyes! Open your eyes, a relationship isn't about one person getting their way all the time. Who cares who situation is worse. If anyone is looking for pity right now, it's you. Maybe you envy OP right now because she's getting something you are not, but that doesn't mean having a doormat SO is the best thing to have in a relationship.
mixwell Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 This sounds kind of silly..... I love my boyfriend a great deal and he's been great to me these past 2 years... BUT, sometimes I find myself getting annoyed with how nice he is to me. He is a genuinely nice person, but sometimes I guess it's a little over the top. He always has the right things to say. He's always positive. If I have a problem with him over something, he backs down without hesitation or arguing. I'm definitely not the type that thrives off of conflict or drama, but I can't help feeling annoyed from time to time. I guess it gets boring for me in a way to me when things feel so perfect. I'm pretty sure he's genuine, but sometimes I feel like he's not being his complete self or censoring his true feelings about certain situations or things I say or do. I know I'm not little miss perfect all of the time (definitely) but he acts like I am. He puts me up on a pedestal. I definitely don't want to be with some guy who treats me like crap, so I feel ridiculous for having a problem with his niceness. I feel like I should be more appreciative that i have a great guy who treats me like a princess but I get bored! I'm not going to leave him over this or anything but I'm wondering if anyone else ever feels this way with their s/o? I don't want to say anything to him about this because I think it would sound ridiculous to be like, "uh yeah.....you're too nice to me by the way." No offense to your b/f but it sounds like he is a pu$$y and needs to get a backbone.. It is impossible for a man and a woman to agree 100% of the time and if he is agreeing with you all the time then he is lacking the balls to speak his own mind. Sadly since you admit he has put you on a pedestal you APPEAR to be in princess mode and can do no wrong in his eyes.. He is probably insecure and since he has an attract chick he is scared of losing you so he lowers himself to please you because he is scared and whipped.. Not trying to sound like an arse but I'm calling it like I see it... In a nutshell you sound like you want a guy that is more of a challenge and more interesting because Devo boy is letting you crack that whip and doing whatever you say.. Women GENERALLLY get bored with a guy when he caves in a gives them whatever they want.. Women like a challenge whether they admit it or not is one thing but from personal experience I have found it to be true.. Nothing wrong with wanting to keep it a chase game but when your partner is giving up ALL the time and letting you win it tends to get bored and repetitious.
SushiX Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 wow I havent posted here in months and still see the same people here like Cherry blossom. Amazing! Anyways this is why girls like bad boys. I wouldnt want to be with a girl that is too nice too. It does get a little dull for me.
shunter Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Another tidbit, he is 26 years old and has never had a serious relationship until me. hmm.. i wonder why. I feel we are missing some important details. My suggestion, give him choices for everything .. "Do you want to see this movie, this movie, or this one?" "You must pick" And you must insist. He must pick or there is no movie and you will be very sad. He wants to please you so he will have to pick when its time to go out for dinner, give him some choices. he has no back bone, so give him a few choices. "i'd like to eat at a, b, or c. but i want you to pick. which one" do this for a few weeks and when he sees that you will accept his decisions then maybe he will open up. and if he ever suggests something, never say no. the guy sounds like he has low self esteem around you and you dont need to make it any worse good luck with it
39388 Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 hmm.. i wonder why. I feel we are missing some important details. My suggestion, give him choices for everything .. "Do you want to see this movie, this movie, or this one?" "You must pick" And you must insist. He must pick or there is no movie and you will be very sad. He wants to please you so he will have to pick when its time to go out for dinner, give him some choices. he has no back bone, so give him a few choices. "i'd like to eat at a, b, or c. but i want you to pick. which one" do this for a few weeks and when he sees that you will accept his decisions then maybe he will open up. and if he ever suggests something, never say no. the guy sounds like he has low self esteem around you and you dont need to make it any worse good luck with it There is nothing wrong with starting slowly. People mature and choose to do things at different ages. The OP should do it in a much nicer way. Tell him you want to try a place of his choosing. This thing about giving choices is almost certain to come out sounding harsh and not lead to a good result. If he refuses a couple times, then you can have a discussion with him about how it is important how he makes some of the decisions. Again, tell him how you really want to share the decision making. The OP does not want a bad boy, she wants things more equal. The conversation may have to be repeated a few times, over few different days, but if he is serious, he will start making some of the decisions. As a so called nice guy type, I think I would respond positively to this.
BobSacamento Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 It's The Stranger. You have to find out what he truly is. You have to find the right button to push. Bill Joel wrote a song about. I give him credit for keeping it a secret for this long. No man and no woman is correct 100% of the time but he wants to keep you happy. I think your correct not wanting to be with a phony.
Ariadne Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I get bored! I'm not going to leave him over this... it would sound ridiculous to be like, "uh yeah.....you're too nice to me by the way." You probably have acted bitchy at some point or another and it's unnerving you that the guy keeps his cool and is always nice. So now you started to put defects in him like, oh, he can't even decide where to go to dinner. To justify your being pissed.
carhill Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I'll add, IME, the woman only values "non-nice" (IOW, aggressively asserting his perspective) behaviors if she's really into the guy. Otherwise, she's merely annoyed and dumps him. Great way to find out if the woman is into you. My bet is you'll dump this one
The Collector Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I am simply saying you have a boyfriend that loves you and respects you and wants to do nice things for you! Open your eyes! A woman has to respect her partner too. Thinking he is afraid to be himself, or of confrontation or disagreements, makes her lose some respect. A woman also has to find her partner sexually attractive. Doormats aren't sexy.
39388 Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I'll add, IME, the woman only values "non-nice" (IOW, aggressively asserting his perspective) behaviors if she's really into the guy. Otherwise, she's merely annoyed and dumps him. Great way to find out if the woman is into you. My bet is you'll dump this one If she's smart she will communicate her concerns in a proper way. If she does and he is reasonable in his responses, they will have something really great going. Not everything has to be 50-50 in any relationship or even freindship. She may well always be the more assertive and outgoing one, while he may be very good in other areas.
carhill Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I'll throw out a couple of theories for consumption and opinion: The opposite of love is indifference. The person who cares the least has the most control. I can say with authority that, once my love for my wife died and I became indifferent to her irritating and "assertive" behaviors, we get along a lot better now I also care less so I assert my perspective more; just throw it out there for consumption. I don't care if she hates me or leaves. Now I can't get rid of her Seriously, OP, take a long hard look at yourself and your compatibility with your BF's emotional style. He likely will not change. Is that OK?
39388 Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Seriously, OP, take a long hard look at yourself and your compatibility with your BF's emotional style. He likely will not change. Is that OK? I don't at all agree with the statement "He likely will not change". Sure, his personality will not change 100% but it is very likely his personality can be tweaked enough that he will not be afraid to make more decisions. Some like him are very open to change with the right encouragement. Some will refuse. Hard to tell which in this case.
Shygirl15 Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Sweet and nice guys can be boring sometimes, but I would rather have those than bad boys. Be thankful OP and stop whinning.
underpants Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 I'll throw out a couple of theories for consumption and opinion: The opposite of love is indifference. The person who cares the least has the most control. I can say with authority that, once my love for my wife died and I became indifferent to her irritating and "assertive" behaviors, we get along a lot better now I also care less so I assert my perspective more; just throw it out there for consumption. I don't care if she hates me or leaves. Now I can't get rid of her Seriously, OP, take a long hard look at yourself and your compatibility with your BF's emotional style. He likely will not change. Is that OK? An extremely mature concept. Beyond the temporary fruit of the first 2 sentences. It all makes sad sense I hate to be proven right in theories of the heart.
burning 4 revenge Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 His niceness bothers you because deep down you know people are selfish and life is painful and so he is being nice for self-serving reasons and his hapy go lucky attitude doesnt correspond with the reality of life
FleshNBones Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 After reading this thread, I am convinced that women want one thing. They want what they can't have. Boredom is such a terrible curse. Forget poverty, forget hunger, and forget disease. It seems like women have a low threshold for boredom, and there is no limit to the complaints.
39388 Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Sweet and nice guys can be boring sometimes, but I would rather have those than bad boys. Be thankful OP and stop whinning. I agree, but many can be made less boring by positive encouragment. Unfortunately we have hundreds of websites and so called relationship experts who are hell bent on destroying the nice guy's chances at all costs.
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