dreamergrl Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I was the classic "nice guy" with my XW. We're now divorced, and that was one of the reasons. With my last GF, who I broke up with six months ago after 2 years, I'd learned a few things and I stood my ground on a lot of things that were important to me, and we had a lot of fights and half a dozen near breakups over those issues, before the real breakup. Either women are hard to figure out, or I just really know how to pick 'em. But look at it this way, because you stood your ground on things that are important to you, you didn't get stuck again with someone who wasn't right for you. Would you rather be overly passive, and be stuck with someone you ultimately are not happy with, or be able to move on and find the right person?
GoodOnPaper Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 BUT, sometimes I find myself getting annoyed with how nice he is to me. He is a genuinely nice person, but sometimes I guess it's a little over the top. He always has the right things to say. He's always positive. If I have a problem with him over something, he backs down without hesitation or arguing. I'm definitely not the type that thrives off of conflict or drama, but I can't help feeling annoyed from time to time. I guess it gets boring for me in a way to me when things feel so perfect. I'm pretty sure he's genuine, but sometimes I feel like he's not being his complete self or censoring his true feelings about certain situations or things I say or do. I know I'm not little miss perfect all of the time (definitely) but he acts like I am. He puts me up on a pedestal. Having been a "nice guy" poster child for a long time, I can understand your situation. Is this "too nice" personality confined to your relationship? If so, your bf may just have a misconception about women, thinking they have to be happy all the time to be affectionate, sexual, etc. If a doormat behavior pattern is there in other areas of his life, there may be bigger issues involved.
serialgf Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 pinkelephant: how old are you and how many relationships have you had? I had the same feelings you are having about my first boyfriend when i was 17. I broke up with him because I couldn't take his constant coddling, and I certainly don't regret having broken up with him but.... since dating him I have NEVER dated someone as NICE and i really miss that... in my experience, the more (failed) relationships guys have, the less nice they become with future girlfriends. example: the guy i'm dating right now is wonderful and the most compatible for me up to now (i am now 28, he's 36) but he's so traumatized by his past relationships that its harder for him to trust me so he's not as unreserved with his love as he was in his younger years... so my advice to you is do what makes you happy but treat your current boyfriend nicely... appreciate him.. and if you are feeling unhappy talk to him about it in a nice way, don't harbor resentment toward him and definitely DO NOT BE MEAN to him just to add spice to your life... that's what i did with my first BF and it totally backfired - he ended up attempting suicide and i was pretty traumatized by the whole thing but that's a whole nother story... another question for you, does your guy have a backbone about other things? like, does he have his own opinions about politics, sports, etc? my biggest problem with my first bf was that i just couldn't have an intelligent conversation with him in general as well as him being a total pushover in our relationship... is this how your guys is??
39388 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 so my advice to you is do what makes you happy but treat your current boyfriend nicely... appreciate him.. and if you are feeling unhappy talk to him about it in a nice way, don't harbor resentment toward him and definitely DO NOT BE MEAN to him just to add spice to your life... that's what i did with my first BF and it totally backfired - he ended up attempting suicide and i was pretty traumatized by the whole thing but that's a whole nother story... another question for you, does your guy have a backbone about other things? like, does he have his own opinions about politics, sports, etc? my biggest problem with my first bf was that i just couldn't have an intelligent conversation with him in general as well as him being a total pushover in our relationship... is this how your guys is?? I aagree with this advice. The OP poster could also tell him that she really wants him to make more decisions. For example, on when deciding what restaurant to go to, maybe they want 2 different places and after he simply accepts her choice, she could have a talk with him that he deserves to get his choice half the time and even tell him a bit of conflict is ok and it will not destroy what they have. If he has no opinions on anything else, there is a much bigger problem.
dreamergrl Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Exactly what the two above posters said. It's all about communication. There's nothing wrong with someone to let their SO know that something is bothering them, it doesn't have to be an argument, it doesn't have to cause issues.
Trimmer Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I don't think this is about him "being nice" - it's about him being an interesting, separate individual in a realtionship. If he's always forfeiting his individuality completely in favor of the relationship and to the OP, then he no longer appears to her as an interesting person who contributes unique and different elements to the relationship. So it's not about nice/mean, with the solution being: be more mean. It's about not subsuming his individuality and turning himself into a carbon copy of her because he thinks that's the way to "be nice." After a while, being in a relationship with a mirror image of oneself gets a little boring. You want, in a relationship, someone who is complementary, but still a unique and different individual.
Author pinkelephant Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 I just want him to feel like he can be himself around me. He doesn't have to put on the super nice guy "act" all of the time. I've seen how he acts with his friends and his family and he seems more like himself I guess....more relaxed. He's different with them than he is with me. He doesn't hesitate to be opinionated or disagree with them. Whenever we do something together, I constantly offer to do anything HE wants to do for a change or go somewhere where HE wants to go, watch what HE wants, etc and I always get the same response......"I just wanna do whatever you want to do, whatever makes you happy." Of course, I think this is incredibly sweet....but I want to do whatever makes HIM happy more often. I don't want it to always be all about me, I don't want him to feel the need to kiss my butt! Sometimes when we're going out on a date or just going to dinner.....for once I'd like him to choose where we go or what he wants to do.....and he'll keep insisting that I pick. We'll wait for like an hour because he won't say what he wants to do so I'll get frustrated and just pick something to do. I don't want everything to be about me, me, me, me. I just don't like to feel like I'm walking all over him or always getting things my way. I want to be able to cater to my guy for a change!
serialgf Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 this might seem irrelevant but.... how does he feel about you going down on him?? that could be a good way to cater to him once in a while... and he should be able to handle that...
eclipseIDE Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I just want him to feel like he can be himself around me. He doesn't have to put on the super nice guy "act" all of the time. I've seen how he acts with his friends and his family and he seems more like himself I guess....more relaxed. He's different with them than he is with me. He doesn't hesitate to be opinionated or disagree with them. Whenever we do something together, I constantly offer to do anything HE wants to do for a change or go somewhere where HE wants to go, watch what HE wants, etc and I always get the same response......"I just wanna do whatever you want to do, whatever makes you happy." Of course, I think this is incredibly sweet....but I want to do whatever makes HIM happy more often. I don't want it to always be all about me, I don't want him to feel the need to kiss my butt! Sometimes when we're going out on a date or just going to dinner.....for once I'd like him to choose where we go or what he wants to do.....and he'll keep insisting that I pick. We'll wait for like an hour because he won't say what he wants to do so I'll get frustrated and just pick something to do. I don't want everything to be about me, me, me, me. I just don't like to feel like I'm walking all over him or always getting things my way. I want to be able to cater to my guy for a change! The weight of the world on your shoulders. Maybe you should visit a shelter for abused women and tell them your sob story? Maybe he does this because you question him when he does try to take charge? We are only getting your side? My ex GF would always question me when I suggested doing something or going somewhere. When she disagreed with something I did I would have to hear about it for hours. So finally I just started to cave in to avoid conflict for days on end with her.
LiL_Byrd Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 stop complaining HAHA! That's what I was going to say after reading this! To OP, seriously?!?!!?! I would KILL to have my boyfriend act this way.... even sometimes would be better than what he treats me like now! You want to know pain, go read my post. STOP COMPLAINING!!!!
TwilightSky Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I think quite a few posts in this thread are entirely ignorant. Still, who knows what led him to act "too nice."
dreamergrl Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 HAHA! That's what I was going to say after reading this! To OP, seriously?!?!!?! I would KILL to have my boyfriend act this way.... even sometimes would be better than what he treats me like now! You want to know pain, go read my post. STOP COMPLAINING!!!! Uhh OP is not complaining about pain. She's wanting for things to level out. She doesn't want it to be all about what she wants, and her boyfriend wont assert what he wants. What's wrong with wanting things to be more equal. What's the point of a relationship if it's only about what one person wants?
gopher Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 A thought... The b/f may be acting this way out of fear.....fear of risking the relationship, so he tries not to rock the boat...very unhealthy behavior...I have been there in the past, and it never works.
Trimmer Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 HAHA! That's what I was going to say after reading this! To OP, seriously?!?!!?! I would KILL to have my boyfriend act this way.... even sometimes would be better than what he treats me like now! You want to know pain, go read my post. STOP COMPLAINING!!!! I did go and read your thread, and one thing that jumped out at me was this: I feel and find that most of the time our arguments start by him trying to "one-up" me. ... which is exactly what you have done to this poster on her thread. Here on her thread, we are discussing her situation.
Trialbyfire Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 No one can be this nice and it be healthy for him. He'll hit back sooner or later, more than likely in a passive-aggressive fashion. He might already be doing so and you have no idea. You don't need to create a safe environment for him. He needs to learn to assert himself. You're not responsible for his actions or responsible to coddle him. All you have to say to him is that you want some honesty in your relationship. If he wants something or disagrees with something, then state it. Tell him not to put you on a pedestal because it's a long way to fall. Unfair.
Author pinkelephant Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 The weight of the world on your shoulders. Maybe you should visit a shelter for abused women and tell them your sob story? Maybe he does this because you question him when he does try to take charge? We are only getting your side? My ex GF would always question me when I suggested doing something or going somewhere. When she disagreed with something I did I would have to hear about it for hours. So finally I just started to cave in to avoid conflict for days on end with her. I don't feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. This is a dating forum, I'm not going to make a post saying how wonderful my boyfriend is.....I'm going to make a post about something that is bothering me. I'm not trying to deliver a sob story, I'm trying to see if anyone has had a similar experience with their s/o and apparently some have so I'm not too off base.
Author pinkelephant Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 Uhh OP is not complaining about pain. She's wanting for things to level out. She doesn't want it to be all about what she wants, and her boyfriend wont assert what he wants. What's wrong with wanting things to be more equal. What's the point of a relationship if it's only about what one person wants? Thank you, you pretty much nailed how I'm feeling.
Author pinkelephant Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 HAHA! That's what I was going to say after reading this! To OP, seriously?!?!!?! I would KILL to have my boyfriend act this way.... even sometimes would be better than what he treats me like now! You want to know pain, go read my post. STOP COMPLAINING!!!! This isn't a competition about who has it worse and blah blah blah. We could compare your post (which I just read) to someone with a more serious problem; and I'm sure yours would look like a bunch of whining.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 This sounds kind of silly..... I love my boyfriend a great deal and he's been great to me these past 2 years... BUT, sometimes I find myself getting annoyed with how nice he is to me. He is a genuinely nice person, but sometimes I guess it's a little over the top. He always has the right things to say. He's always positive. If I have a problem with him over something, he backs down without hesitation or arguing. I'm definitely not the type that thrives off of conflict or drama, but I can't help feeling annoyed from time to time. I guess it gets boring for me in a way to me when things feel so perfect. I'm pretty sure he's genuine, but sometimes I feel like he's not being his complete self or censoring his true feelings about certain situations or things I say or do. I know I'm not little miss perfect all of the time (definitely) but he acts like I am. He puts me up on a pedestal. I definitely don't want to be with some guy who treats me like crap, so I feel ridiculous for having a problem with his niceness. I feel like I should be more appreciative that i have a great guy who treats me like a princess but I get bored! Then break up with him, go out and find yourself a bad boy, and let him find someone more appreciative of a good guy.
You'reasian Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Then break up with him, go out and find yourself a bad boy, and let him find someone more appreciative of a good guy. Exactly. And what's wrong with being a gentleman - so long as one can be a demon in the sheets!!!
Author pinkelephant Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 I don't think this is about him "being nice" - it's about him being an interesting, separate individual in a realtionship. If he's always forfeiting his individuality completely in favor of the relationship and to the OP, then he no longer appears to her as an interesting person who contributes unique and different elements to the relationship. So it's not about nice/mean, with the solution being: be more mean. It's about not subsuming his individuality and turning himself into a carbon copy of her because he thinks that's the way to "be nice." After a while, being in a relationship with a mirror image of oneself gets a little boring. You want, in a relationship, someone who is complementary, but still a unique and different individual. Exactly. Thank you! Another tidbit, he is 26 years old and has never had a serious relationship until me. So in a way, it seems like he's so grateful to finally have a serious relationship that he never wants to upset me and just wants to try to make me happy all of the time, despite however he feels or what he wants. It's like he has two personalities. The one he has around his friends/family where he says whatever and isn't afraid to joke around..........and then the one he has around me where he seems to think he's walking around on eggshells. We very rarely have an argument or fight about anything but he gets so emotional if he disappointments me in the slightest or perceives to disappoint me.
tincanman99 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I used to be too nice till I realize it doesnt work. Women need resistance. He needs to learn to be himself. This being nice stems from a few things but mostly lack of self esteem. He feels deep down in side that if he shows you the real him you wont like him. He figures by being "nice" you will like him. Just encourage him to be himself and RELAX around you.
Author pinkelephant Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 Then break up with him, go out and find yourself a bad boy, and let him find someone more appreciative of a good guy. I don't want a bad boy. I don't want a guy that treats me like crap. I don't want a guy who beats me. I don't want a guy to kiss my ass 24/7. I don't want a guy who will put me up on a pedestal above all else in his life. I don't want a guy to cater to what I want all of the time. I just want him to be himself! I don't want him to feel like he has to try so hard to please me. I'm not really the demanding or needy type. I encourage him to go hang out with his guy friends or girl friends and most of the time he'll say no and say something like, "I just need you." He used to hang out with his friends all the time before we got serious, and now he rarely talks to them and it's not because I'm all jealous and don't want him to do anything else.....the exact opposite. As I just said, it seems like he has two different personalities. Before we started our relationship and were strictly just friends, he seemed more relaxed.....we had interesting conversations because he wouldn't hesitate to disagree with me or be blunt with me. Ever since we've been together, now he's over the top nice to me 24/7.
birdie Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I just want him to be himself! I don't want him to feel like he has to try so hard to please me. I'm not really the demanding or needy type. I encourage him to go hang out with his guy friends or girl friends and most of the time he'll say no and say something like, "I just need you." He used to hang out with his friends all the time before we got serious, and now he rarely talks to them and it's not because I'm all jealous and don't want him to do anything else.....the exact opposite. As I just said, it seems like he has two different personalities. Before we started our relationship and were strictly just friends, he seemed more relaxed.....we had interesting conversations because he wouldn't hesitate to disagree with me or be blunt with me. Ever since we've been together, now he's over the top nice to me 24/7. it sounds like he has become very dependant on you. is that the real issue?
Author pinkelephant Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 I used to be too nice till I realize it doesnt work. Women need resistance. He needs to learn to be himself. This being nice stems from a few things but mostly lack of self esteem. He feels deep down in side that if he shows you the real him you wont like him. He figures by being "nice" you will like him. Just encourage him to be himself and RELAX around you. Yeah, I just want him to be himself. He is definitely a genuinely nice guy but sometimes it's just over the top. This makes me feel like he's trying too hard. I just want him to be relaxed and be natural. I don't want him to try to be a certain way. I feel like he thinks being overly nice is the way to keep a girl happy.
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