pinkelephant Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 This sounds kind of silly..... I love my boyfriend a great deal and he's been great to me these past 2 years... BUT, sometimes I find myself getting annoyed with how nice he is to me. He is a genuinely nice person, but sometimes I guess it's a little over the top. He always has the right things to say. He's always positive. If I have a problem with him over something, he backs down without hesitation or arguing. I'm definitely not the type that thrives off of conflict or drama, but I can't help feeling annoyed from time to time. I guess it gets boring for me in a way to me when things feel so perfect. I'm pretty sure he's genuine, but sometimes I feel like he's not being his complete self or censoring his true feelings about certain situations or things I say or do. I know I'm not little miss perfect all of the time (definitely) but he acts like I am. He puts me up on a pedestal. I definitely don't want to be with some guy who treats me like crap, so I feel ridiculous for having a problem with his niceness. I feel like I should be more appreciative that i have a great guy who treats me like a princess but I get bored! I'm not going to leave him over this or anything but I'm wondering if anyone else ever feels this way with their s/o? I don't want to say anything to him about this because I think it would sound ridiculous to be like, "uh yeah.....you're too nice to me by the way." Link to post Share on other sites
DSM-IV Thomas Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 No, you NEED to tell him about this. You are 100% right to be annoyed by this. No one is THAT nice. Something is wrong with his head. Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I agree you need to tell him. Let him know that it is okay for him to call you on some stuff, joke with you and even tease you a little. You both might find the conversation refreshing. I do believe that turning a nice guy a little bad is soooo much more rewarding then wasting time on trying to reform some jerk. Link to post Share on other sites
zenith Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 stop complaining Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 He needs to be reassured that you won't bail if he trends more towards the genuine guy. Doormat - Genuine - Jerk It is a sliding scale and that goes for both genders. It is also good to check in every once in a blue moon and make sure you are both happy. Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 stop complaining LMAO Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I definitely don't want to be with some guy who treats me like crap, so I feel ridiculous for having a problem with his niceness. I feel like I should be more appreciative that i have a great guy who treats me like a princess but I get bored! I'm not going to leave him over this or anything but I'm wondering if anyone else ever feels this way with their s/o? I don't want to say anything to him about this because I think it would sound ridiculous to be like, "uh yeah.....you're too nice to me by the way." I'm putting myself in your shoes, thinking of a great woman who treats me like a prince - and that's the woman I would really learn to appreciate and love, because women like that are damned impossible to find. I would treat her like my princess (atleast while we're standing on two feet ). How much time have the two of you spent together? You will see someone at their best and worst - see how they handle enormous amounts of stress etc. Link to post Share on other sites
movingonandon Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 This sounds kind of silly..... I love my boyfriend a great deal and he's been great to me these past 2 years... BUT, sometimes I find myself getting annoyed with how nice he is to me. He is a genuinely nice person, but sometimes I guess it's a little over the top. He always has the right things to say. He's always positive. If I have a problem with him over something, he backs down without hesitation or arguing. I'm definitely not the type that thrives off of conflict or drama, but I can't help feeling annoyed from time to time. I guess it gets boring for me in a way to me when things feel so perfect. I'm pretty sure he's genuine, but sometimes I feel like he's not being his complete self or censoring his true feelings about certain situations or things I say or do. I know I'm not little miss perfect all of the time (definitely) but he acts like I am. He puts me up on a pedestal. I definitely don't want to be with some guy who treats me like crap, so I feel ridiculous for having a problem with his niceness. I feel like I should be more appreciative that i have a great guy who treats me like a princess but I get bored! I'm not going to leave him over this or anything but I'm wondering if anyone else ever feels this way with their s/o? I don't want to say anything to him about this because I think it would sound ridiculous to be like, "uh yeah.....you're too nice to me by the way." Most likely you're just not attracted to him. If you were, him being nice would only be a nice bonus (and if he wasn't nice - it wouldn't matter to you). *Unless* he is actually behaving like a *doormat*, you're outta your mind to complain. No, scratch that, you're just a woman . Link to post Share on other sites
39388 Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 No, you NEED to tell him about this. You are 100% right to be annoyed by this. No one is THAT nice. Something is wrong with his head. What a pathetic jerk you are. Maybe you should learn to respect others. Link to post Share on other sites
39388 Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 stop complaining The best advice has the fewest words. Link to post Share on other sites
MN randomguy Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I agree you need to tell him. Let him know that it is okay for him to call you on some stuff, joke with you and even tease you a little. You both might find the conversation refreshing. I do believe that turning a nice guy a little bad is soooo much more rewarding then wasting time on trying to reform some jerk. I'll agree with this. If you don't talk to him it will annoy you more and more. Then the relationship will be in trouble. Move towards honest communication. I'm sure there are some things he disagrees on. It will be relieving to not always have to be on the best behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
39388 Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Hundreds of websites want to program men and women to behave in certain ways. They say or imply you have to be this amount nice and that amount mean or you are undesirable. The OP could suggest doing slightly more fun and adventurous things (or show by example) and maybe tease him more in a lighthearted way and encourage him to tease back. It can be done gradually over time and a slightly "evil" side may come out. Link to post Share on other sites
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 You want some resistance. That's a good thing. Resistance means the man has his own life, too, not just the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I think I understand what you are saying. I dated a guy once who did this. He never got upset at me, we never fought, even if I got annoyed with HIM he always apologized and said he was sorry! He was a pushover I think. I think he was scared of me too becuase he had low self esteem. I think it's good you have a nice boyfriend. I wouldn't get into this with him TOO heavily, but I think maybe you should let him know that it's okay for him to tell you if something is bothering him. If he always agrees with you or never tells you how he really feels, problems will get swept under the rug. He also might build up some resentment. Link to post Share on other sites
39388 Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I'm someone who has been the "nice guy" type, so I can give some perspective from the other side. I'd wait for a time when he gets "walked over by someone", as in they are mean to him and he is nice back. You probably won't have to wait long. You can tell him afterwards that he should have been more assertive and to stand up for himself. You can also tell him you preferred if he stood up for himself more and it is perfectly ok if some not so nice things come out. You can use that time to tell him that if you want to do something and he doesn't feel like it, you really want him to tell you that. Tell him you do the same thing to him. Be direct, but say things in a positive way. You might have to repeat this a few times, but he should get it and slowly develop that small "evil" side. If he really is a nice guy, I think he will respond in the intended way. Never ever say "you are too nice". That is the worst thing you could possibly say. You will probably confuse him and he will likely think you want him to act agressive rather than the intended assertive or he might not know what to make of it and will learn nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
RichGuy Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Don't try to change a person, that's just his nature. Since he gets no respect from you, you're concerned he gets no respect from others and you're basically in a relationship with a guy at the bottom of the totem pole... If you want an alpha male, just go for it. Just cheat on your current guy behind his back. He'll probably even forgive you if you get caught! Link to post Share on other sites
mr.dream merchant Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Watch. Next month she'll be back complaining about how her bf beats her now because he's showing his true emotions. Be happy you have a nice boyfriend and not an abusive one. Women..... Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I've been in this position. Honestly, I don't OP is being a jerk about anything. She probably feels the relationship is feeling too much about her because her bf is not asserting himself with his needs. It doesn't feel even. It's actually an uneasy feeling. And yes, it is annoying. Both persons in a relationship should be voicing their needs, wants, complaints (to an extent). I found, in my situation, that the guy found it easier to just give in, not voice is complaints, then say something, because he rather avoid any type of confrontation. Confrontation is a part of life, you can't avoid it forever. Not at work, not with family, not with friends, not with a relationship. It is important to be able to have a voice in matters. Link to post Share on other sites
Mahatma Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 The common impulse from me is to tell you to shut up and quit complaining. ...but When someone puts someone infront of them all the time, it shows they have little self value compared to how they value you. This can be great for parents and their kids, but in a relationship, things need to be equal. I wouldn't be able to stand a woman who couldn't think or stand up for herself. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Watch. Next month she'll be back complaining about how her bf beats her now because he's showing his true emotions. Be happy you have a nice boyfriend and not an abusive one. Women..... It's not about wanting an abusive relationship, but it's about things being more level. There's nothing wrong with wanting your SO to be more assertive, especially when they show no assertiveness. Link to post Share on other sites
CommitmentPhobe Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I don't want to say anything to him about this because I think it would sound ridiculous to be like, "uh yeah.....you're too nice to me by the way." So while the women are getting on their high horse about the lack of assertiveness in your poor nice guy bf, pray tell where is you own? It seems you're holding back here, yet you've just complained about him doing the same. Maybe secretly he's thinking about what a pushover you are because all he ever has to do is go "yeah right sorry" and that's it. You have to teach people in life how to treat you, boss, parent, sibling, friend. And if that means telling them to firm up then that's your responsibility, not his to guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Rebellious Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Truly mature people know how to pick their battles and to ignore the small stuff. If it ever comes to something really important he may surprise you by holding his ground very firmly. Jerks can be exciting but they'll disappoint you when the chips are down. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I was the classic "nice guy" with my XW. We're now divorced, and that was one of the reasons. With my last GF, who I broke up with six months ago after 2 years, I'd learned a few things and I stood my ground on a lot of things that were important to me, and we had a lot of fights and half a dozen near breakups over those issues, before the real breakup. Either women are hard to figure out, or I just really know how to pick 'em. Link to post Share on other sites
CommitmentPhobe Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Truly mature people know how to pick their battles and to ignore the small stuff. Exactly Something really doesn't add up here. Firstly I don't understand what he needs to "back down" over, secondly I don't understand why the OP can't voice her concerns to him about the way he treats her, and finally I don't understand why she's come on here to whine about her wimp of a boyfriend instead of seeking out a solution. Methinks the guy has very little choice but to placate her over the "problems" she has with him. Link to post Share on other sites
39388 Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Don't try to change a person, that's just his nature. Since he gets no respect from you, you're concerned he gets no respect from others and you're basically in a relationship with a guy at the bottom of the totem pole... If you want an alpha male, just go for it. Just cheat on your current guy behind his back. He'll probably even forgive you if you get caught! Nice guys can be tweaked to be "near nice guys" or assertive nice guys. The OP can have the best of both worlds is she can do this. Link to post Share on other sites
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