xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I feel bad thats it's a new year yet I have still not managed to get over the MM. OK so I am not as bad as I was over the summer when he treated me absolutely terribly, I mean it got to the point where I could barely leave the house and cried constantly. I almost lost my job over it too. I was an absolute mess. A few weeks ago I heard (by snooping through something I shouldn't have) that he's moved his family to the other side of the world without even telling me despite calling me a few days prior to going 'to see how I was'. The thought of never seeing him ever again in my life is just so painful I cannot even describe it. And I'm so bitter that he's obviously happy enough with his wife to move her to a new city in an exotic location, thats commitment. She really is stuck with him now, and him with her. I have tried hard to move on from this, I really have. I go out most weekends with friends and have good times. I have been back to my hometown over the holidays after not having visited my family since June so that was a big step for me. For reasons too complex to go into I isolated myself from my parents during the very painful time I went through over the summer/fall & didnt go home for 6 months or even speak to them on the phone. I got it on with a friend in November but he didn't want anything more at all after the liason although I would have quite happily formed a relationship with him, I met a cute guy in a club the other week but after adding him on Facebook found out he is actually in a relationship so I wont go there for obvious reasons! And there's another guy who I got on really well with but hes just got a new girlfriend. I have been back on the online dating site, no one I like on there it just bores me. It seems Im desperately trying to replace the MM with someone else. Like I just so want to feel that magical spark again with someone like I did MM. But everywhere I turn I feel like I have doors slammed in my face which kind of forces me back to living with the pain of not being able to be with the MM who I love/d so deeply. I feel like Im trapped in this and everywhere I turn to try and escape it is just a dead end.
phoenixrising Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Heartbroken - I can only tell you what finally worked for me... I accepted that I love my xMM, but that he does not (or chooses not...) to love me in the same way. Once I accepted that my feelings for him would not go away, I moved to the next step, that being to determine what I needed to receive in return from another man to be happy. And, with this, I realized that I wanted someone who could love me enough to place me as the #1 woman in his life. Meaning, that I could accept him having an ex-wife as his friend and mother of his children, but that I could not accept him sleeping with anyone but me at night, whether that be during the week, on weekends, on vacation. And when I needed him, I expected him to be there for me. Those were small things to ask, I felt. I asked for them, and he said that he could not give me that. But was implied in that is that he DID choose to give those things to another woman - his wife. Once I accepted that he could not give me that, I chose to continue to accept that I love him, but that he chose not to give me what I needed. I then asked him what he needed from me, and he wanted me to stay in his life without his wife's knowledge. I could not do that for him, because it went against my value system. So - after realizing that we could not provide each other what we needed, I decided to go NC to allow myself to see things from a new perspective. After 4 months of NC, we began LC. It has helped me to see that though he may believe he loves me still, I was primarily an escape from the hardships of life. I'm worth more than an "escape". So - with this, I became free. It has taken a long time to get here, and it still hurts much of the time, but I made the choice to wait for the right person for me - and hopefully I'll be the right one for him. Bottom line - you have to know what you want/need from a relationship. And if MM or any potential partner cannot give this to you, you have to let him go. Because as much as you wish it were different, it isn't. And it won't be if you continue to accept less than you need from him. Just my few cents, but learned over a long, hard period of time.
phoenixrising Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Oh, and by the way, I am now content, and though I still feel a deep love for him the pain is leaving, slowly but surely. And it's being replaced by happiness that I value myself enough to wait for someone who values me enough to provide me with those simple things that make me feel that I'm the most important woman in their life. So, yes, the pain will end, if you make choices for YOU. If you choose to wait to see if he will change and eventually give you what you need, you may be waiting in pain for a long, long time.
frannie Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 HB, yes the pain will end, it will ease and your life will move on and you WILL get over it. People always do. But it can't be forced, and you might not know how. I would say probably half of your pain comes from worrying that you might not get over it. These things take time, and you don't know just how long it will take. Try to take one day at a time and find the good things in each day. Focus on you, and your future. And don't worry...
meg33 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 i'm right in your boat.... a new year and i'm still where i was a year ago... i hate it and i'm feeling your pain...
Owl Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Why not focus instead on learning to be happy on your own? Stop looking for a replacement for MM completely. For now, learn who you are. Find things to do that have nothing to do with relationships. What's something...one thing...that you've ALWAYS WANTED TO DO...but never got around to it, or were too chicken to try? Skydiving? Scuba? Go on a cruise? Hiking? Learn to fly a plane? Pick something that you KNOW you want to do before you die...something really outre...and go do it. If it's something that you have to learn to do, like the things I mentioned...so much the better. It takes energy and focus and time... Go LIVE your life...don't sit around "waiting" for something to happen.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 Why not focus instead on learning to be happy on your own? Stop looking for a replacement for MM completely. For now, learn who you are. Find things to do that have nothing to do with relationships. What's something...one thing...that you've ALWAYS WANTED TO DO...but never got around to it, or were too chicken to try? Skydiving? Scuba? Go on a cruise? Hiking? Learn to fly a plane? Pick something that you KNOW you want to do before you die...something really outre...and go do it. If it's something that you have to learn to do, like the things I mentioned...so much the better. It takes energy and focus and time... Go LIVE your life...don't sit around "waiting" for something to happen. Owl I am actually trying to do just that, this coming summer I am going on the clubbing holiday of a lifetime with my sister and also plan to go travelling at some point when I can afford to do so. I think it would be such a waste to just sit around pining for the MM and getting upset that I'm also not finding anyone new and perpetually single. I am doing as many things as possible to distract myself from the MM. It is still very painful (although less so than in the summer of last year) and I still have many questions going round my head. Hopefully one day I won't even care what the answers are.
whichwayisup Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 It seems Im desperately trying to replace the MM with someone else. Like I just so want to feel that magical spark again with someone like I did MM But you can't replace him, nor those feelings. Don't compare intense affair feelings to a new beginning of love with a single person..The intensity is different and the dymantic all together is different. You're feeling a loss and you need to give yourself time to heal, really heal and then start dating and enjoying getting to know different men.
jj33 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 The other thing is heartbroken, think of how long you were heartbroken. And what happened to changing your name? The mere fact that you chose this name shows being with him isnt all your memories have tricked you into remembering it to be. You were so so unhappy. You are chasing the dream. If only we could be together it would be wonderful. It would be great. It would work out and we would walk int the sunset together. No it wouldnt be. Isnt this the slimeball who groomed you for sex. The drug addicted alcoholic? Maybe I am confusing your story with someone else's but I dont think I am. You are lonely and you want to feel loved. But this man was a very very bad man. He is not someone who deserves your grieving. Read your old posts, remember how miserable he made you, the heartache he caused you. And vow never ever ever to let someone do that to you again. You may wish for a new love. But you wont be missing him.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 The other thing is heartbroken, think of how long you were heartbroken. And what happened to changing your name? The mere fact that you chose this name shows being with him isnt all your memories have tricked you into remembering it to be. You were so so unhappy. You are chasing the dream. If only we could be together it would be wonderful. It would be great. It would work out and we would walk int the sunset together. No it wouldnt be. Isnt this the slimeball who groomed you for sex. The drug addicted alcoholic? Maybe I am confusing your story with someone else's but I dont think I am. You are lonely and you want to feel loved. But this man was a very very bad man. He is not someone who deserves your grieving. Read your old posts, remember how miserable he made you, the heartache he caused you. And vow never ever ever to let someone do that to you again. You may wish for a new love. But you wont be missing him. You are right, he hurt me so badly that I gave myself a label like 'heartbroken', he was the reason for that - I can't seem to figure out how to change the name to something a little more positive! Yes he did groom me for sex although he isn't the alchoholic - that was Smile711's ex MM. The severe emotional pain started during his last month as my roommate - I knew deep down I would probably lose him for good, yet the physical trists felt so magical, I had never felt so intensely passionate towards someone and they temporarily made me feel on top of the world. So that last month of him living in the same house as me was a mixture of highs and lows. I did hope that he had fallen for me in the same way and that he didn't know what to do about it, he did say he would consider leaving his wife for me, and as he had lived under the same roof as me and only part time at weekends with his family for over a year I believed him when he said he didn't know how he would get on living back full time with the wife. When you think - he would have known back then all along that he was going to move the family not only to this area in June 08 but ultimately the other side of the world in Dec 08! But when he did leave this house in June thats when the pain was just overwhelmingly bad and I couldn't cope and started to just lose it, I almost lost my job 3 times as my ability to function was impaired, my usual bubbly self was gone - I was just a shell. Even had to have time off for depression and was diagnosed with post traumatic stress, I was actually going to move away to a new city to escape the memories - I could barely leave the house at one point. I was terrible. It quickly became apparent that he never had any intention of ever being with me. Had we got together under normal circumstances I tell myself it would have worked and we would have made a great couple. However you are probably right when you say he is what he is, being married is just an excuse. He is a nasty man. Wonder what his wife has had to go through over the 20 years they have been together???
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 But you can't replace him, nor those feelings. Don't compare intense affair feelings to a new beginning of love with a single person..The intensity is different and the dymantic all together is different. You're feeling a loss and you need to give yourself time to heal, really heal and then start dating and enjoying getting to know different men. I just worry that I will always end up disappointed if I cannot have the same intense feelings with someone else. Those feelings are addictive. Its just so depressing. I am doing alot to move forward with my life but this is always at the back of my mind. It happened last summer, although I heard about the move to the exotic location (not from MM) in Dec, I just wonder how much more healing I have to do before the pain goes away and I'm ready to perhaps go on a date with someone. Seems like I have been going through this for an eternity!
whichwayisup Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Yeah but once you're OVER the MM, those feelings and the intensity of it all, the affair dynamtic, will disappear. You may always miss that intensity, but it isn't healthy, the affair fog and the rollercoaster ride. You won't have the DOWNS you do anymore with someone else, not like what you've experienced with the MM. It's better to have flutteries in the tummy and feel excited to see someone you know is single and available..
jj33 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Honey you are a great girl. The reason he chased you is because you are worth the time and the effort and YOU are worth having. The problem is he is not a nice guy. He acts like a nice guy sometimes. He listened to music with you, hung out with you, loved you, but he is not a nice man. Nice men dont do what he did. So even if you met him under normal circumstances it wouldnt have been different. He still would have been him. So its not an excuse. Its just that he isnt a good guy. And that is what hurts. You want to believe that if this if that it could have been different. But the thing is, if he were a nice man, he wouldnt have behaved the way that he did. Its hard to accept that the man we loved didnt really exist. That we gave very flawed men credit for being someone they may have the potential to be, but are not at this point in time, and never will be. But it doesnt change the fact that you are a lovable desirable woman. He wouldnt have gone to the lengths that he did if you were not. So if you can let that validate you. We dont always see through these manipulative people. They are skilled at what they do. Manipulating is what they do. Its as natural as breathing. So natural that sometimes they dont even know what they are doing is so awful and so wrong. But it doesnt excuse their behavior any more than it excuses the behavior of someone who engages in physical abuse. Emotional abuse and the humiliation that goes with it leaves its own particular and hideous scars on your psyche. But it doesnt happen because you are not worth it or because you should have done something differently so that things could have been different. Hes the one who would have to change. And he is not going to. He doesnt want to. He moved away. With his family. And that is a blessing for you. Im sure he had many good points, or you would not have fallen in love with him. But if he had stayed you would have lived a growing nightmare of living with someone whose stock in trade is manipulation. Remember the good times if you can, but dont wish for a replacement. You dont want to be manipulated again. What you want is someone else to love you but without manipulating you. Someone who is single and honest and free to treat you with the love and respect you deserve. Ive been out of my A for more than a year. And the whole thing still confuses me when I let myself think about it. How could I have gotten so taken in bythe whole thing. How could I have felt so much for this man? Was it real or was it a product of our own lonliness (mine and his)? Because it wasnt what I thought it was. And if it had worked out differently, I would have had a real job on my hands dealing with his narcissism and his emotional manipulation. It would have been like an emotional "cultural revoluation" reeducating him on how to behave in a relationship. And whether it would have been a success is anyone's guess. I think that is true with many As. You are not alone honey (i cant call you by your screen name). Many of us posting here have fallen into that trap. Its not just you. You just need to accept it and vow that it will never happen again. Big hugs
KismetGirl Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 You sound alot like me....except in your case the MM has done you a HUGE favour by moving his a** over to the other side of the planet where you can't be tempted to see him touch him or talk to him. I still live two blocks away from one of MM's offices. Argh. I know what you mean, about finding a "replacement". It's not that we "need" a man to complete us, but we are so desperate to get over the MM's that it seems liek the only way to do it is to find another guy that we really like to distract us from MM. I too try to go out with friends, have a very busy, very stressful life, have school, have work, am in the midst of applying to medical school and studying for MCATS, have alot of support from fam and friends, and still can't get him out of my head. It's not co-dependance in general, its an addiction to him specifically. I too tried the online dating thing, desperate for ANYONE to distract me from him, but every guy I met bored me. I even started dating this guy I went to uni with who adores me and I just can't be bothered to make time for him because Im just not that interested. We slept together once because , hell, I was horny and thought better to get rid of some sexual frustration with this single guy who i've known for five years and who really likes me than call up MM again right? I was so bored by the sex I found myself wondering what to eat later that night while it was going on. Ha!. Not that there's anything wrong with the guy- he's smart, funny, attractive....my head is just not in a place where I can really like anyone right now, I think. You probably would be better off just taking a break from men for a few months. The longer you stay away from him, the easier it will be. And again, he has done you a huge favour by moving away because it will make it so much easier to get over him in the long run. I get myself into this mess of an A over and over again, and its a horrid way to be , it's confusing and heart wrenching. I'll probably write an update of my own situation after I finish this posting, and you'll see what I mean. HB I feel your pain loud and clear.....I know exactly how you feel. There were days when me and MM broke up that I didn't want to get out of bed, didn't go to work, I even screwed up the grade in my last class because I literally didn't study one day (for an organic chemistry class no less!) and ended up with a C+ which is the worst grade ive gotten in a course in ten years. Keep doing what you are doing....go out, work, see friends, etc. It'll get easier one day, you'll find yourself thinking about him less and less. You even said yourself its better than it was last summer, so take that as a good sign: it's already getting better. One day you'll wake up and wonder why you bothered , and you'll find someone who doesn't have to groom you for anything cause you'll be happy and on the same level !:bunny:
LakesideDream Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 I just worry that I will always end up disappointed if I cannot have the same intense feelings with someone else. Those feelings are addictive. Its just so depressing. I am doing alot to move forward with my life but this is always at the back of my mind. It happened last summer, although I heard about the move to the exotic location (not from MM) in Dec, I just wonder how much more healing I have to do before the pain goes away and I'm ready to perhaps go on a date with someone. Seems like I have been going through this for an eternity! Heartbroken, Sometimes you NEVER get over it. Sometimes the best that happens is that you learn to live through it. My advice, just LIVE. The pain goes away when it's time. Don't worry or fret. Don't try to get over it. Just let it happen.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted January 31, 2009 Author Posted January 31, 2009 Yeah but once you're OVER the MM, those feelings and the intensity of it all, the affair dynamtic, will disappear. You may always miss that intensity, but it isn't healthy, the affair fog and the rollercoaster ride. You won't have the DOWNS you do anymore with someone else, not like what you've experienced with the MM. It's better to have flutteries in the tummy and feel excited to see someone you know is single and available.. You won't have the DOWNS you do anymore with someone else, not like what you've experienced with the MM And the downs really were just the absolute pits!!! During his time as my roommate it was an EA for most of the time and got physical only during his last month of living here when I knew he was leaving. Those last few weeks were an absolute rollercoaster of highs and lows. Then when he left it was 100% awful. But the highs were just so addictive, made me feel wonderful and when MM did a disappearing act that is what I missed, and the thought I may never have the chance to get physical with him again was just unbearable. Now he's living the other side of the earth it will almost certainly never happen again which I know deep down is a blessing in disguise yet saddens me at the same time. To be honest, I do still miss him loads. I miss having his support when I'm down, his company every weekday evening, sharing 'in' jokes together, eating choccies and drinking wine together, listening to music, being able to talk to someone completely on my wavelength. I miss his handsome face, his hair, his style, the smell of his coffee every morning, I could go on forever! Of course I recognise that it was a very unhealthy situation for me to be in though. Really hope there is someone else out there for me who I will connect with like that one day but just feeling so negative about it as I seem to be perpetually single, and I mean always - I never get who I want. I've barely even had a relationship with anyone despite being attractive with a good personality, and very little sexual experience even though I have an extremely high drive.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted January 31, 2009 Author Posted January 31, 2009 Honey you are a great girl. The reason he chased you is because you are worth the time and the effort and YOU are worth having. The problem is he is not a nice guy. He acts like a nice guy sometimes. He listened to music with you, hung out with you, loved you, but he is not a nice man. Nice men dont do what he did. So even if you met him under normal circumstances it wouldnt have been different. He still would have been him. So its not an excuse. Its just that he isnt a good guy. And that is what hurts. You want to believe that if this if that it could have been different. But the thing is, if he were a nice man, he wouldnt have behaved the way that he did. Its hard to accept that the man we loved didnt really exist. That we gave very flawed men credit for being someone they may have the potential to be, but are not at this point in time, and never will be. But it doesnt change the fact that you are a lovable desirable woman. He wouldnt have gone to the lengths that he did if you were not. So if you can let that validate you. We dont always see through these manipulative people. They are skilled at what they do. Manipulating is what they do. Its as natural as breathing. So natural that sometimes they dont even know what they are doing is so awful and so wrong. But it doesnt excuse their behavior any more than it excuses the behavior of someone who engages in physical abuse. Emotional abuse and the humiliation that goes with it leaves its own particular and hideous scars on your psyche. But it doesnt happen because you are not worth it or because you should have done something differently so that things could have been different. Hes the one who would have to change. And he is not going to. He doesnt want to. He moved away. With his family. And that is a blessing for you. Im sure he had many good points, or you would not have fallen in love with him. But if he had stayed you would have lived a growing nightmare of living with someone whose stock in trade is manipulation. Remember the good times if you can, but dont wish for a replacement. You dont want to be manipulated again. What you want is someone else to love you but without manipulating you. Someone who is single and honest and free to treat you with the love and respect you deserve. Ive been out of my A for more than a year. And the whole thing still confuses me when I let myself think about it. How could I have gotten so taken in bythe whole thing. How could I have felt so much for this man? Was it real or was it a product of our own lonliness (mine and his)? Because it wasnt what I thought it was. And if it had worked out differently, I would have had a real job on my hands dealing with his narcissism and his emotional manipulation. It would have been like an emotional "cultural revoluation" reeducating him on how to behave in a relationship. And whether it would have been a success is anyone's guess. I think that is true with many As. You are not alone honey (i cant call you by your screen name). Many of us posting here have fallen into that trap. Its not just you. You just need to accept it and vow that it will never happen again. Big hugs But the thing is, if he were a nice man, he wouldnt have behaved the way that he did. Its hard to accept that the man we loved didnt really exist. That we gave very flawed men credit for being someone they may have the potential to be, but are not at this point in time, and never will be. Yeah - nice people just don't behave like that do they? Wouldn't even cross their mind. I wouldn't do it to someone. You wouldn't do it to someone. It is frightening to think we thought we were in love with the way they made themselves out to be, we didn't know the real them until they showed their true colours. For you the healing process must have been extremely hard as you have to have work related contact with your xMM. How is that going these days? Is he civil towards you? I guess one good thing about my xMM doing a disappearing act is out of sight out of mind, he hasnt hung around trying to suck the life out of me, just sporadically called me (on his terms of course!) a few times since moving out of this houseshare and seeing me for the first but final time in July after leaving in June. Bleh! They are skilled at what they do. Manipulating is what they do. Its as natural as breathing. So natural that sometimes they dont even know what they are doing is so awful and so wrong. I find it scary that I didn't see it coming though. I honestly thought I stood a chance with him, that he felt the magical connection like I had and would miss it so much after moving out that he wouldn't be able to resist coming back to me. When it became apparent that I was manipulated by him for over a year it was very disturbing. Hes the one who would have to change. And he is not going to. He doesnt want to. He moved away. With his family. And that is a blessing for you. He is set in his ways, he may have a boring/unhappy/sexless marriage or whatever but stays for convenience, financial reasons and the 4 kids obviously. I think he is probably one of those serial cheaters though, the way he just showed no emotion when he saw me in pain, and had no guilt whatsoever about the whole act of cheating. I do know deep down it is for the best that he has gone. Ive been out of my A for more than a year. And the whole thing still confuses me when I let myself think about it. How could I have gotten so taken in bythe whole thing. How could I have felt so much for this man? Hope you are doing ok, from what I have read on your previous threads you handled a very difficult situation extremely well. It must have been dreadful especially at first, still having to see him occasionally through work, and changing jobs not an option. You are not alone honey (i cant call you by your screen name). Many of us posting here have fallen into that trap. Its not just you. You just need to accept it and vow that it will never happen again. Big hugs JJ just want to thank you for your kind words and all your support throughout this ****ty time for me, I really do appreciate it!
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted January 31, 2009 Author Posted January 31, 2009 You sound alot like me....except in your case the MM has done you a HUGE favour by moving his a** over to the other side of the planet where you can't be tempted to see him touch him or talk to him. I still live two blocks away from one of MM's offices. Argh. I know what you mean, about finding a "replacement". It's not that we "need" a man to complete us, but we are so desperate to get over the MM's that it seems liek the only way to do it is to find another guy that we really like to distract us from MM. I too try to go out with friends, have a very busy, very stressful life, have school, have work, am in the midst of applying to medical school and studying for MCATS, have alot of support from fam and friends, and still can't get him out of my head. It's not co-dependance in general, its an addiction to him specifically. I too tried the online dating thing, desperate for ANYONE to distract me from him, but every guy I met bored me. I even started dating this guy I went to uni with who adores me and I just can't be bothered to make time for him because Im just not that interested. We slept together once because , hell, I was horny and thought better to get rid of some sexual frustration with this single guy who i've known for five years and who really likes me than call up MM again right? I was so bored by the sex I found myself wondering what to eat later that night while it was going on. Ha!. Not that there's anything wrong with the guy- he's smart, funny, attractive....my head is just not in a place where I can really like anyone right now, I think. You probably would be better off just taking a break from men for a few months. The longer you stay away from him, the easier it will be. And again, he has done you a huge favour by moving away because it will make it so much easier to get over him in the long run. I get myself into this mess of an A over and over again, and its a horrid way to be , it's confusing and heart wrenching. I'll probably write an update of my own situation after I finish this posting, and you'll see what I mean. HB I feel your pain loud and clear.....I know exactly how you feel. There were days when me and MM broke up that I didn't want to get out of bed, didn't go to work, I even screwed up the grade in my last class because I literally didn't study one day (for an organic chemistry class no less!) and ended up with a C+ which is the worst grade ive gotten in a course in ten years. Keep doing what you are doing....go out, work, see friends, etc. It'll get easier one day, you'll find yourself thinking about him less and less. You even said yourself its better than it was last summer, so take that as a good sign: it's already getting better. One day you'll wake up and wonder why you bothered , and you'll find someone who doesn't have to groom you for anything cause you'll be happy and on the same level !:bunny: I know what you mean, about finding a "replacement". It's not that we "need" a man to complete us, but we are so desperate to get over the MM's that it seems liek the only way to do it is to find another guy that we really like to distract us from MM. Exactly - I'm normally happy being single and doing my own thing, but since the MM situation last summer I have been trying to find a guy to distract me from the pain of it all. However like you I am very fussy and never seem to like anyone, or the ones I do like never feel the same or are not available. It's pants, it really is. I even started dating this guy I went to uni with who adores me and I just can't be bothered to make time for him because Im just not that interested. We slept together once because , hell, I was horny and thought better to get rid of some sexual frustration with this single guy who i've known for five years and who really likes me than call up MM again right? I too slept with a friend just the once, it happened in November and was actually really good and helped take away some of the pain that I was still in from MM. I even developed feelings for this other guy although due to his own personal reasons he didn't want anything else to happen between us and I was gutted! Getting with the guy would have completely got rid of the agony I felt, yet another disappointment! I was so bored by the sex I found myself wondering what to eat later that night while it was going on. :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao: HB I feel your pain loud and clear.....I know exactly how you feel. There were days when me and MM broke up that I didn't want to get out of bed, didn't go to work, I even screwed up the grade in my last class because I literally didn't study one day (for an organic chemistry class no less!) and ended up with a C+ which is the worst grade ive gotten in a course in ten years.[/quote] I know how you mean, when you feel this depressed it is hard to find motivation do do things like study/work and its horrible knowing you can do better but are not on top form cos of MM situation bringing you down. I almost lost my job 3 times and had several warnings about my poor performance, had loads of time of with such debilitating depression - all brought on by the MM! Amazing the power they have over us, kind of takes everything on a downward spiral when you feel miserable enough already then everything else also goes wrong which is like a vicious circle. Urgh. Hope that you can bring yourself to continue to study hard and get motivated again, it just wouldn't be worth throwing all that away for the sake of the MM situation distracting you. You are obviously a very intelligent girl and I wish you the best of luck with your exams and future career - you deserve it!
phoenixrising Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 "the way he just showed no emotion when he saw me in pain, and had no guilt whatsoever about the whole act of cheating".... These are the two things that set me straight... when you are in pain, you need someone to hold you. The lack of emotion xMM had for my pain really hurt... and the "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" attitude about his wife certainly didn't indicate guilt. While - at the same time - I had a lot of compassion for him and what he must be feeling, being married to someone he didn't love... and while I was guilty about somehow being disloyal to his wife - a woman I'd never met... what's wrong with this picture??? Everything. You will be fine, HB... you will be even better than before, and you don't even know it yet. Take this from an xOW who went through this... for years... my advice to you??? In everything you do, in every response to him - maintain your self-respect and your dignity. Be caring, but prioritize yourself and your needs. You will not have any regrets if you react to him with kindness, but with strong and well defined boundaries that protect YOU.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted January 31, 2009 Author Posted January 31, 2009 Heartbroken, Sometimes you NEVER get over it. Sometimes the best that happens is that you learn to live through it. My advice, just LIVE. The pain goes away when it's time. Don't worry or fret. Don't try to get over it. Just let it happen. If I never get over it I just hope that the pain will lessen soon. I will make sure I keep busy and do stuff for ME, I'm sure it will get better in time. Really miss him though and very upset he went for good to an exotic location without telling me, yet he called me randomly after 5 months of NC a few days prior to leaving! Doesn't make any sense. Although it may make it easier now I know I have probably heard the last from him. But then I guess I hope deep down that he will come back here for some reason and ask to see me. Or that I'm wrong and he aint really moved overseas at all. I know it is bad to admit that after all he's put me through but I can't help how I feel.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted January 31, 2009 Author Posted January 31, 2009 "the way he just showed no emotion when he saw me in pain, and had no guilt whatsoever about the whole act of cheating".... These are the two things that set me straight... when you are in pain, you need someone to hold you. The lack of emotion xMM had for my pain really hurt... and the "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" attitude about his wife certainly didn't indicate guilt. While - at the same time - I had a lot of compassion for him and what he must be feeling, being married to someone he didn't love... and while I was guilty about somehow being disloyal to his wife - a woman I'd never met... what's wrong with this picture??? Everything. You will be fine, HB... you will be even better than before, and you don't even know it yet. Take this from an xOW who went through this... for years... my advice to you??? In everything you do, in every response to him - maintain your self-respect and your dignity. Be caring, but prioritize yourself and your needs. You will not have any regrets if you react to him with kindness, but with strong and well defined boundaries that protect YOU. While - at the same time - I had a lot of compassion for him and what he must be feeling, being married to someone he didn't love... and while I was guilty about somehow being disloyal to his wife - a woman I'd never met... what's wrong with this picture??? Everything. Same here - I felt so guilty and for ages would not get physical with him as he was married. When I said to him 'I just can't - you're married', he replied with a nonchalent 'so?'. And yes - he willingly left me in loads of pain and just went NC on me. Urgh. I just don't get how some people feel no guilt and are cold hearted. I'm opposite - very sensitive! You will be fine, HB... you will be even better than before, and you don't even know it yet. Really hope so, hard to imagine right now though! I just need time. Thank you for all your helpful advice by the way.
KismetGirl Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 Exactly - I'm normally happy being single and doing my own thing, but since the MM situation last summer I have been trying to find a guy to distract me from the pain of it all. However like you I am very fussy and never seem to like anyone, or the ones I do like never feel the same or are not available. It's pants, it really is. I too slept with a friend just the once, it happened in November and was actually really good and helped take away some of the pain that I was still in from MM. I even developed feelings for this other guy although due to his own personal reasons he didn't want anything else to happen between us and I was gutted! Getting with the guy would have completely got rid of the agony I felt, yet another disappointment! :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao: HB I feel your pain loud and clear.....I know exactly how you feel. There were days when me and MM broke up that I didn't want to get out of bed, didn't go to work, I even screwed up the grade in my last class because I literally didn't study one day (for an organic chemistry class no less!) and ended up with a C+ which is the worst grade ive gotten in a course in ten years.[/quote] I know how you mean, when you feel this depressed it is hard to find motivation do do things like study/work and its horrible knowing you can do better but are not on top form cos of MM situation bringing you down. I almost lost my job 3 times and had several warnings about my poor performance, had loads of time of with such debilitating depression - all brought on by the MM! Amazing the power they have over us, kind of takes everything on a downward spiral when you feel miserable enough already then everything else also goes wrong which is like a vicious circle. Urgh. Hope that you can bring yourself to continue to study hard and get motivated again, it just wouldn't be worth throwing all that away for the sake of the MM situation distracting you. You are obviously a very intelligent girl and I wish you the best of luck with your exams and future career - you deserve it! Thanks HB, good luck to you too ;-) You'll be fine. You can't imagine the favour he's really done you by hauling butt to far, far away. Sometimes I wish MM would move away. It's hard to ignore someone when you know where they work, live, all their numbers, their emails, mutual friends. Argh! But it seems from your posts now, and the older ones you had written, that you are moving towards a more positive place. I understand how you feel, and sometimes it's almost like I could have written what you wrote. I think the right person comes along when you aren't really looking or expecting it....though of course that's easier said than done! It's also easier to dole out advice than to take it :-) As is evident in my case, because I seem to be stubborn and not listening to anyone. Hopefully we'll both wake up in ten years and be happy, and with someone that's worthy of us, and wonder why we ever wasted any of this time with those shmucks. Im really glad to see that , from what I can tell, you really are, however slowly, moving in the right direction. KG
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