Blackened Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Been married almost five years. No kids. We get along good, accept he has comunication issues. In the time we've been together very few disagreements have been resolved. When we disagree on something he just clams up and gives me the silent treatment for an hour or so. If I bring the issue up again, same thing. So, nothing ever get's worked out. He has no problem confiding in other people though. He used to talk to this girl online a lot about his relationship with me and that bothered me a little bit. Like, why can't he just tell me what's bugging him instead of some total stranger. But then I realized it's a lot easier to open up to total strangers on a computer screen then face to face with someone you live with. After all, I am here, opening up to all you guys and not him, right? Last year I made a new years resolution to quit smoking. He's a smoker too and he tols me one day he was also thinking about trying to quit with me. I was thrilled at this and made a bunch of statements like "Oh yea, that would be great if we both quit. We would save so much money. etc..." Well, a few months later at a party he disappeared for a really long time with a mutual female friend and told her all these things that I do that bother him. That hurt. When I asked him why he did that he told me that he was mad at me for "trying to make" him quit smoking. I told him I thought he wanted to quit and we were doing this together. He said he changed his mind and never told me because I wouldn't listen. I do listen when he talks... I really do. But if I show any sign of distraction then he get's pissed because I'm not listening. Like if he's talking to me and I get up and go across the room to get something, then I get it for not listening and the conversation is over. Lately we haven't been having sex. It's been about six weeks since we did. I asked him the other day why he never wants sex anymore. He said it's because of the problems he's having with his family right now. Him and his Mom haven't spoken since June, that's a whole other story. But I just get the feeling there is more to it then just that. So, and this is what I want talked out of... He's an active Myspace user. I had the idea to create a fake account on myspace and strike up a conversation, in hopes that I might get some real answers. I know how juvenile this si and that it's a terrible idea. But so often he expects me to be a mind reader. I'm desperate at this point.
Geishawhelk Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Why not create a profile as a guy....? Oh no, you did that already..... Actually, him passing the buck and using his family problems as an excuse for not having sex is just that. An excuse. However, getting someone uncommunicative to open up is extremely difficult. if they don't want to open up, they won't. Talk about clamming shut...! My ex-used to be like this. In the end, I played him at his own game and kept things to myself. Which is why eventually our separtaion came as a bit of a surprise to him..... I take your point about opening up a Myspace account and getting through that way, but that's self defeating. You (yourself) would still never be able to talk to him openly about stuff, because you might let stuff he hasn't ever discussed with 'you', slip. And how would you know....?
Author Blackened Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 Why not create a profile as a guy....? Oh no, you did that already..... Lol... ah, memories from long ago. You do have a point. He still wouldn't be opening up to me. He would be opening up to an entity on the computer.
whichwayisup Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I think you need to sit down and lay it out for him - Marriage counselling to fix your marriage so you both can learn to listen and communicate with eachother. He is turning to other women online, and possibly face to face, to talk about you and the marriage. That's a red flag. Listen to your gut - Fact that he isn't interested in sex anymore and he seems distracted is another. Not saying he's cheating on you, but it is possible he's up to no good and having inappropriate talks with other women that COULD lead to something else. If you want to save your marriage, get to counselling. If he refuses to go, then tell him that the marriage is only going to get worse and end up in separation or divorce.
Author Blackened Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 We tried counseling. It was pointless. He would always just get up and walk out whenever the session got too intense.
whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Then you need to decide if this marriage is worth saving or not. If he has no interest in fixing it, doing counselling, then what is left to do except build up resentment towards eachother and eventually end up in a nasty divorce? Or, he continues to cheat on you.
Author Blackened Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 Or, he continues to cheat on you. You really think that's the problem?
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