Marigoldlove Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 I've been with my boyfriend for the last 3 years and I really really love him. With him gone for the last year in jail I got extremely horny and pleasing myself was not satisfying enough. I ended up having a one night stand, and I regret it with all my heart. My Boyfriend means the world to me and I know this would kill him if I was to tell him because he loves me so much, and thinks I have been faithful this entire time. But I can't see how us moving forward while talking about marriage and children could work if we aren't completly honest. But is me being honest and hurting him just a way to get it off my chest? Please do not bash me for not "loving him enough", or being with someone in Jail. I'm just asking for advice on cheating. I do not want to loose him, but I don't want to trap him in a relationship that will never be 100% honest now. Does anyone think there is possibility of forgiveness? Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 What's he in jail for? And when does he get out? Well, you did it and you probably just need to come clean about it. I'm guessing that if things were the other way around, he'd cheat on you, too - at the very least. Link to post Share on other sites
Adamagnet Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 If he's in federal prison, he's probably already "cheated" on you to. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Really, there is no excuse for cheating, but expecting someone to remain exclusive for this long without succumbing to temptation, is a tall order. A person wrote about roughly the same thing because their SO was in the military, and they only met for 2 weeks a year..... four years to go! Your SO is on the inside, surrounded by burly guys, and and has a fairly monotonous, regulated repetitious life. You on the other hand, are as free as a bird, have a far greater temptation. And you gave in to it. Whether you feel you can tell him or not, now or when he comes out, is down to you. If you think you can successfully conceal it and never let on, is for you to know. But you shouldn't have done it. You know that. And I figure you feel bad enough now to know you won't do it again. I personally think that if he's in Prison, he can hardly turn round and condemn you for doing something like this, especially as his crime is punishable by law..... But he may find it hard to accept. So if you are going to tell him, and if I were you, I would do one of two things: Either have someone with you when you tell him.... just to act as a bit of a go-between, or give him time to decide whta to do. Whether he wants to stay with you or not. One word of caution: Guys in his position feel helpless and volatile. It may be a good idea to advise the prison wardens that you're going to be giving him bad news. (that's if you do....) These boys have been known to flip and go off at the deep end when given news like this, so preparing the guards for a possible blow-up is wise. I've seen it happen. My first husband was a petty criminal who spent time in jail, and shared a cell with a guy whose wife cheated on him. As letters are intercepted, his cell-mate's letter was read before he got it. Apparently, when given the letter, the guards wouldn't leave the cell until they were sure he'd taken it relatively calmly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marigoldlove Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 As unbelieveable as this is to read - he is not THAT guy. He's actually an amazing man who lost his way when he was young. He is in for a robbery charge and gets out in 37 days (I have waited for 14 months). He is not the type of person to be violent or aggressive (hard to believe since he is in jail - he was young and was peer presured when the situation happened), the most that would happen is I would break his heart and he would most likely cry. I know what I did is terrible and it will NEVER happen again, but I cannot take it back. He never asked me to stay with him, infact he told me to live my life while he was in jail - but i refused and said I would stick by him. I have been more faithful and supportive to him than his friends, and his family - including his own mother - which is why I know this will hurt him a lot. Do you think he can forgive me? Or Should I live with the guilt and let our relationship last? Thank you for those who have already commented. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Which do you think would pose the greater problem? Telling him and coping with the fall-out, or not telling him and dealing with the guilt? Choose the lesser of the two. Me, personally, I'd would consider telling him. But then also going No contact until he makes the next move and decides what he feels he'd want to do. But tell him that's what you intend to do. Don't just cut him off with no warning. It may not come to that. He may not want that. But you have to prepare yourself for a reaction. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Do you think you can marry someone, take a vow, raise children, and grow old with all the while lying? Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Your saying that he is a good person that made a mistake ( a BIG one), and that after doing his time , he will be a changed man , and never do anything like that again. You have forgiven him his mistake, which has surly hurt and affected you, Why could he not do the same for you??? Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I've been with my boyfriend for the last 3 years and I really really love him. With him gone for the last year in jail I got extremely horny and pleasing myself was not satisfying enough. I ended up having a one night stand, and I regret it with all my heart. My Boyfriend means the world to me and I know this would kill him if I was to tell him because he loves me so much, and thinks I have been faithful this entire time. But I can't see how us moving forward while talking about marriage and children could work if we aren't completly honest. But is me being honest and hurting him just a way to get it off my chest? Please do not bash me for not "loving him enough", or being with someone in Jail. I'm just asking for advice on cheating. I do not want to loose him, but I don't want to trap him in a relationship that will never be 100% honest now. Does anyone think there is possibility of forgiveness? As someone who found out years after being duped into marriage with someone that wasn't honest with me, I can say that telling him is the way to go. Because if he finds out later, and don't think he can't, it will be much worse. And since he is a jailbird, I'd be worried about his reaction if you do tell him. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Your saying that he is a good person that made a mistake ( a BIG one), and that after doing his time , he will be a changed man , and never do anything like that again. You have forgiven him his mistake, which has surly hurt and affected you, Why could he not do the same for you??? My xW's bf came home from prison, and now she has a black eye. This guy may be different, but too many of them come out hardened. Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Do you think you can marry someone, take a vow, raise children, and grow old with all the while lying? Excellent question. I think this is the ultimate question to ask onesself. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 And Marigold. If you are horny, get a freakin' dildo. If you cheat on him because he is gone, sorry, but you don't love him if you let another man inside you. I know you said don't say that, but its the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
serialgf Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Which do you think would pose the greater problem? Telling him and coping with the fall-out, or not telling him and dealing with the guilt? Choose the lesser of the two. Me, personally, I'd would consider telling him. But then also going No contact until he makes the next move and decides what he feels he'd want to do. But tell him that's what you intend to do. Don't just cut him off with no warning. It may not come to that. He may not want that. But you have to prepare yourself for a reaction. this is the best advice, in my opinion.... except if i were you i wouldn't tell him... i know people will ream me out for saying this but sometimes its not worth it especially given the extreme circumstances (he was in jail for a year before you cheated) and the fact that you KNOW you won't do it again... 2 questions: 1. do you think he would want you to tell him? this is a valid question. in my relationship, for example, i know my bf would just rather i didn't tell him if it were a one time thing. i recently went to mexico for two weeks. i missed my bf desperately and after going out to clubs every night for like 10 days, i very drunkenly and sloppily made out with a random french guy. i am not planning on telling my boyfriend and i know he prefers it this way. if the tables were turned and he drunkenly made out with some random girl while on a trip i wouldn't want to know either. it was MEANINGLESS. although in my case, i certainly didn't sleep with the guy and i would never do that... though i don't know if he were in jail for a year he'd probably give me his blessing to do so... 2. did you use a condom? to me this makes all the difference. either way you should get tested but if you didn't use a condom you have an obligation to tell him, in my opinion just my $.02 good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marigoldlove Posted January 24, 2009 Author Share Posted January 24, 2009 Thank you everyone for your advice ! "2sure" - I really appreciate your advice. Since I have forgiven him - he should forgive me as well I suppose. We both talk about how we want to start a new life together when he gets out - with a fresh start focusing on strengthening our relationship and our future - and I think by telling him that will give us the chance. If not I have to live with the consequence of loosing him. "lkjh" - I personally feel that I could not marry him and take an oath and have a family with him if we were not completly honest. And I feel like although he has been in prison - he is still a person who deserves the best future - and I can't give that to him by lying. "serialgf" - Yes a Condom was used. And I'm not sure if he would not want to know. I know if I was to go to prison - I would tell him if he ever got to the state I was in just have sex and never tell me, but I can't be positive he would say the same. The part that upsets me the most is my girlfriends who know, tell me not to say anything - just to start a fresh life when he gets out. So I think this is why I am so lost - because I feel I owe it to him to know, but am listening to my girlfriends. In no way possible will I mail it to him in a letter, or in a phone call - so when should I do it? The day he gets out - isn't that a little harsh when he thinks he's finally free??? Thanks for the advice ! Link to post Share on other sites
shunter Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 In no way possible will I mail it to him in a letter, or in a phone call - so when should I do it? The day he gets out - isn't that a little harsh when he thinks he's finally free??? Thanks for the advice ! Either you leave the guy or you stay with him. If you love him and want the relationship to work, then keep quiet. If he is not going to find out, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU TELL HIM? Is there some unwritten rules on morality that we need to follow? He is a f'n criminal, who cares about morals and ethics?????!!! Would you have turned him into the police if he didn't get caught? NO. So why the hell are you going to do this now ??? So you cheated on him because you couldn't handle not having a man inside of you for a year, big deal! I would do the same thing .. hell, i don't know if i would wait as long as you did. Keep your mouth closed. Open your mouth and you are opening pandoras box. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Either you have a relationship based on truth and respect or dishonesty and lies. What type of foundation for a marriage do you want? The choice is yours. Link to post Share on other sites
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