urdone Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 What would be the things to look for ie- "Conversational clues" that you partner is interested in someone else.
2sure Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 For my H some of his infidelity was about validation. So, if a woman were to give him a big ego boost - like going into detail about how handsome he was or what a great body he had - he would casually mention it to me. He couldnt keep himself from sharing theis validation with me. Not being a jealous person by nature, I didnt think much of it. But I have come to realize that his need for validation is part of the piece of him that caused the infidelity. If it wasnt , the compliments would not have been so important to him to share.
NoIDidn't Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 A lot of "what if" conversations. New philosphical curiosity about monogamy and past loves. Showing tons of concern for an opposite sex friend/acquaintance/co-worker that dries up suddenly or gets dismissed as suddenly unimportant when previously mentioned worries are brought up. Not being able to have deep conversations, as if something unintended may slip out (classic freudian slips). Making lots of verbal affirmations about themselves in conversation, as if they are hearing it alot from elsewhere ("I am a good man/woman", "I do contribute more than I am given credit for", etc.) - this one doesn't always involve another love interest though. Lots of things. I don't have time to list them.
OWoman Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 What would be the things to look for ie- "Conversational clues" that you partner is interested in someone else. Sudden defensiveness when asked routine questions like, what time will you be home? New areas of interest introduced into conversation, with irritation if you don't share the new interest. Reluctance to talk about future plans - future being anything longer term than what's for supper later. New colloquialisms / slang expressions / figures of speech or idiomatic pronunciations of words. New jokes, particularly shared with the kids. Less conversation, with manic patches of lots more conversation. Talking in his/her sleep...
Owl Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Also look for signs of being distracted...thinking of someone else. And, emotional distance. Where in the past your spouse would be willing to talk about "the two of you", they now no longer are willing, or are very uncomfortable. Not just discussions about the future, but about feelings or even the marriage in general as they are right now. Don't forget the "ILYBUNILWU" speech. (I love you, but not in love with you)...very common red flag of infidelity.
username24 Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Lots of good examples already in this thread. I think the only thing I would add is the sudden need for privacy. For me, my WW not only needed privacy, but was also suddenly more than happy to do things by herself. Everyday things like going to the grocery store. She was studying for a professional exam at the time and instead of studying at home, she would go to the coffee shop down the street. Things like that.
OWoman Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Also look for signs of being distracted...thinking of someone else. ... and when asked, what's wrong, either snapping "nothing!" or brushing it off as concerns about work, the economic climate, etc but not being willing to discuss those in any further detail.
grogster Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 A state of emotional and intellectual distractedness--of being there, yet not there. You feel somehow "not there" when talking with him. He avoids deep eye contact, and even when he does look at you it feels like merely a glance. You feel somehow diminshed in his presence, almost unwelcome, a necessary intrusion. The cheater, over time, loses the ability to fine tune his marriage. He ceases to care for you.
smarterthanbefore Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Something I noticed with my ex was him over explaining himself. For example, if i asked him what had for lunch today, he gave me a whole story about how he went to such and such restaurant and how the food was not right ect, when before it would have just been i had chicken and it was great. He was trying extra hard to sell his stories. I also noticed that if i asked him about something one day, and wait say, a day to ask the same thing, the stories didn't quite match, and if I pointed this out, he would give me an exaggerated explanation on how I must of misunderstood what he said before. I suggest you keep a small notebook and write down what he say and ask again later for comparison. It worked for me, and helped to catch him in many lies. It also helped to him cheating sooner I think.
Athena Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 What would be the things to look for ie- "Conversational clues" that you partner is interested in someone else. Your partner begins to mention that other person more than he/she would normally talk about someone. Even so, it is always 'innocently', but it is still there -- they are thinking about that other person and therefore bring the name up when suitable in a conversation. But more so than ''conversational clues'' are "Behavioral Clues" since Actions speak louder than Words, particularly since most cheaters/wannabe cheaters KNOW to censor what they say as much as possible, but they cannot help give themselves away in behaviors. So you should watch out for what they do instead of what they say.
vnqsh2001 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 My wife's first clues were her jokes about fooling around. She would say that maybe she would do it, but then laugh about it and say that she was just kidding. Little did I know that she was already doing the deed. The jokes were prevalent before she did it as well as shortly afterward, but then ceased after the guilt started to set in a month or two later. She also would suddenly say that she wanted to talk to me, but then wouldn't elaborate as to the subject matter she wished to discuss. I thought she was behaving oddly, but dismissed it as part of her quirkiness. She did seem to acknowledge other men in my presence more often during her affair. She would remark about the handsomeness of any man that we passed on the street, which I also found to be out of character for her.
Spark1111 Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 I heard her name mentioned once or twice and he seemed to be positively glowing with admiration for this work colleague. Then he mentioned a problem she was having with her child that our neighbor was experiencing with her son and wanted to know the medication the neighbor's son had been proscribed. Ahhh.....and then the biggest tip off: He never mentioned her name again, ever, even if I brought it up....nothing!
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 He suspects that I am cheating and I deny it, always. deny deny deny I sometimes think that if he accused me and I was innocent I would probably be very hurt and maybe even cry and/or beg him to believe me. But I just get mad/defensive or just "tsk" and tell him how ridiculous he is sounding. He should be able to figure it out. I always tend to pick a fight within a week of being with my MM, almost as though I'm looking for him to do something really a-hole-ish so I would have a reason to end things. But, love is blind, and he can't see through me yet. Open your eyes, and you will see what you don't want to see.
vnqsh2001 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Sudden evasiveness and defensiveness seem to be a common thread. I think people try to avoid their guilt and pain as much as possible. If they are innocent, there is nothing there to cause this reaction because they aren't going to be hurt by it.
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