hanginthere Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Oh..I have a small saga. My good friend was going through a breakup with her boyfriend which and started to try and get back together with him. They were broken up for about 3 months. She started to befriend one of his good guy friends and they eventually hooked up for about 2 weeks back in Dec. I was introduced to this hook up friend and there was a spark between us. Of course nothing happened until my friend stated that she was getting back together with her boyfriend. The hook up friend called me and asked me out. I told him not until he spoke with my friend about it. She told him that it would be fine. Then called me and said she would feel uncomfortable but it was our choice. We decided to go out and see if there was any chemistry between us. There was a lot. On our next date a few days later, we were at a dinner party and I got a text from asking if I went out with him. I texted her and said that I wanted to talk with her the next day. She texted back whatever. Then texted and called my date. Now these two were not dating, she was leaning on him and talking about her ex the entire time when they were together. And they only hooked up a few times, it was just sex. And she is now back together with his friend and is not going to tell her boyfriend about hooking up with his friend. Now she will not talk with me anymore. And why can she still be friends with the hook up friend and not me??? Was I wrong in the way I handled this situation? I thought it was handled very maturely.
EYECANDY000 Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I think it was handled very mature on your part as well. But, clearly she was not ok with the situation , because she figured she cant make a decision about you two. Even though she is back with her boyfrend you dont find it some what akward on her part to be in the presence of her ex hook up and her best friend? I cant believe hook up guy didnt even tell his good friend that he slept with his ex girlfriend! I would call her and try to explain to her, and if she isnt willing to listen then she cares more about guys then her friendship with you.
Author hanginthere Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 I have seen her out a few times, I have approached her and said that I missed her and that we should talk. I tried to e-mail as well. I saw her out last night and pasted her by accident. I realized that the guy I am seeing stopped, I turned, saw him speaking with her and that it was an uncomfortable conversation and opted to stay back with a wave hi. The last conversation we had she said she would feel very uncomfortable if she saw us together. It has been over a month since we started dating. But I think that you her right, if she can be friends with the hook up guy and not me then she cares too much about the guys. We live in a small town so the dating pool is limited.
Star Gazer Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 If I were your friend, I'd be upset. There's a girl-code, IMO... regardless of how serious they ever got. They had SEX, for crying out loud. If I were you, I couldn't imagine wanting to be with a guy who had already had his d*ck inside my best friend.
Author hanginthere Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 Wow that was harsh. What do you think about her having sex with his best friend, and then getting back with her boyfriend 2 weeks later? My relationship with him is not just based on sex as theirs was.
O'Malley Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Her hooking up with this guy (during a breakup) is something that she, her boyfriend and the friend can be concerned about. If it's a small community he'll find out soon enough if he hasn't already. You handled this the right way by letting her know first. But logical or not, she is uncomfortable about this, so only date him if you can accept that this may impact your friendship permanently. Leave the ball in her court, as far as contact. Keep in mind that there is still a residual attraction there, even if it's only one sided (and I'm not sure if it's only that.) Just another reason to be a little more cautious about dipping your toes in this particular pool.
Star Gazer Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Wow that was harsh. What do you think about her having sex with his best friend, and then getting back with her boyfriend 2 weeks later? My relationship with him is not just based on sex as theirs was. Her actions as they pertain to what she did to her BF are irrelevant. I'm holding you accountable for YOUR actions as they relate to her, your purported best friend. Afterall, you did ask if YOU were wrong. IMO, you were. And assuming she was also in the wrong in the first place as to her boyfriend, two wrongs never make a right. You're justifying your behavior by pointing the finger at what she did to her boyfriend. However, therein is a clear distinction: You were disloyal to her. She wasn't disloyal to you.
Author hanginthere Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 I did ask for your opinion and I am fine to hear all sides. My thing here is that since this is a small town and my friend has dated a lot people here. Are all those people off limits to me now? She even said to the hook up guy, I guess I cannot hord all the men away from "me". Then said it was okay to ask me out. This came up before where a guy she was dating asked me out because he did not know that I was friends with her. Of course I said "No". She later found out about it and we laughed at it, but some how she still held me accountable for that one.
Bri754 Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Dont listen to star gazer. You were not wrong. Your friend sounds like a lamo.
Star Gazer Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I did ask for your opinion and I am fine to hear all sides. My thing here is that since this is a small town and my friend has dated a lot people here. Are all those people off limits to me now? I'd say yes - they're off limits if it's gone beyond a casual, non-intimate first date. And how small is small? Not that it really matters. I'd never date a good friend's hookup or ex, under any circumstances. If you're really more concerned about meeting men than your friendship, by all means, date everyone in town. Otherwise? Move or find someone outside your town's borders.
bean1 Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Sounds like she is confused and emotional, attached to two different guys, and is using you as the target/punching bag in order to maintain harmony with both guys instead of directing her anger towards her own actions Good luck- this one will have to be waited out until she gets over her confusion.
EYECANDY000 Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I did ask for your opinion and I am fine to hear all sides. My thing here is that since this is a small town and my friend has dated a lot people here. Are all those people off limits to me now? Yes! I mean honestly would you want to be with a guy that has slept with your best friend. I can understand if she didnt mean anything to you, but this is your friend for petes sake. If i think about being with a guy my best friend has slept with my stomach would curl.
Star Gazer Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Yes! I mean honestly would you want to be with a guy that has slept with your best friend. I can understand if she didnt mean anything to you, but this is your friend for petes sake. If i think about being with a guy my best friend has slept with my stomach would curl. Really!!! It's...
Author hanginthere Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 Okay Star Gazer- it is not everyone in town that I want to date just one and moving is not an option when you have family obligations. I am very careful when dating anyone and with my friends. But when you have a friend who emotionally attaches themselves to everyone they date and hangs on to them for years. I have to shake my head. I would not personally care about a hook up and my friend dating them, especially if I was back with the person I loved. I say more power to them, I could not be emotionally attached to anyone else except the person I was dating.
Star Gazer Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I still don't understand HOW you're comfortable sleeping with someone who's already slept with your best friend! Regardless of whether or not she gave you the A-okay (which she obviously did not), how does that in and of itself not disturb you???
Author hanginthere Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 Again all opinions are okay. But yea, she did. She told the hook up guy that it was fine to call me and ask me out and she also acknowledged that she could not hord all the guys away from me. As far as sleeping with him, I haven't yet.
Star Gazer Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I made all the above comments before reading any other threads. Looks like there's a pattern here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t167687/ Then when I did start dating a guy who one of my other friends had a crush on 3 months prior to us dating and he told me he had told her that there was no interest. She never dated him or anything, he just hung out in the same group with us. In fact I never spoke to him while she had a crush on him. Well now that girlfriend is no longer friends with me. Okay, so now I have made another friend, and I confided in her and told the story about this prior friend who thought I was a boyfriend stealer. This friend is just coming out of a one year relationship. She was talking about a oldboyfriend that she dated 2 yrs prior (in a 3 month relationship) and saying how they were friends and had no interest in him (and in the past offered for me to meet him). So I said, hey you have to introduce me. Well that set her off, she said oh you can date him but you will no longer be friends with me. Well, it would me too!!! In a "small town" of 60,000, certainly you can find men other than your friend's ex-boyfriends and hookups to date???
pinkelephant Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I agree, that's breaking girl code. That's also really ****ty that she slept with her ex's friend and hasn't told him yet since they've been back together. So in a way, she doesn't really have a right to judge what you're doing since she did something equally ****ty.....but she may possibly still have some kind of feelings for the hook up guy. It's hard for girls to have sex with someone without ANY kind of emotional attachment or bond afterwards, even if it's miniscule. It probably doesn't sit well with her that you're seeing him now and I can see why. How would you feel if she started dating a guy you had sex with a few times and what not? Maybe kind of awkward? Probably not worth losing a friend over a hookup or whatever unless you could really see something serious developing with the hook up guy. I'd probably feel turned off knowing he had banged my friend.
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