nature Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 We don't all!! I could ask the same...why do men do this? lol
curiousnycgirl Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 My thoughts exactly - I have no interest in being his friend. I have oodles of friends, I don't need one that would do THAT
not_a_happy_camper Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 my ex dumped me over two months ago. we said the whole "let's be friends" thing. I don't know that he meant it. I was gutted at the time naturally. and still very much attached. I meant it when I said it, because I truly couldn't imagine not having him in my life. this was my first relationship, I'm blaming my blindness on this fact! I meant it.................but only a week or two after the break-up, I realised that unless we can be together, I can't be his friend, because I can't go through life watching him with other girls and wishing it was me. I'm beyone the stage of thinking that, even though I know it will kill me to see him with someone else. I think I'd like to friends with him someday in the very distant future..........................but not while I still have feelings for him.
lilmrcheerful Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I just always thought it was their "polite" way of dumping you, you know, to try and soften the blow, I don't think they really mean it anyway.
IcemanJB Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Two exes ago said this to me, and I simply said "no" lol. ...my current ex and I agreed it would not be good for either of us if we tried to be friends, just because of everything between us. So not ALL women do that.
justletgo07 Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 It's so she can use you as her emotional support and 2nd string guy until she finds someone better. Don't let her do it!
audrey_1 Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I've been wondering about this a lot lately. I don't keep in touch with any of my exes, except the most recent one, which has been reduced to business interaction only. Sans the business interaction, would I want to be his friend? Probably not. As someone said before, I have other friends and don't need to be pals with someone I used to sleep with. We were long distance, and he found someone else local. I have done the dumping in all my other relationships, and now realize why they don't want to be friends with me. It's kind of insulting. You meant so much more to them at a point, and they thought the world of you, and suddenly it isn't good enough. I have "friends" who play a role in my daily, and others I don't speak to for years at a time. Being put into the "friend zone" means you have taken a secondary role in someone's life. You're no longer the significant other. I reached out to my ex-fiancee (ex before this one) to tell him that I missed his companionship, and was there any way we could meet for coffee, catch up, just like all the other threads you read about. I genuinely adore this man, just not enough to marry him. He said no, that no good would come from me being a part of his life, that he had reached out to me, and I didn't want it. So we were done. It is tough to think he may never be in my life again, but I fully respect his decision moving forward. He doesn't want my breadcrumbs. He loved me. I wanted to be his "friend." Not good enough for him. My current ex has all of his ex-girlfriends on Facebook, and they chat like it's nothing. I'm not sure how he pulls that off. None of my ex-boyfriends want anything to do with me. So, I guess some people are okay with it, while others aren't. Me personally, I probably choose not to be their friends but just move on through N/C.
lilmrcheerful Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 After what I've just gone through, the "being friends with an ex thing" is absolutely a no no because in my honest opinion, the only reason I now believe people want ex's as friends is so that they have a backup plan should things go wrong... this is exactly what happened with me, my ex gf stayed in touch with her ex until he managed to talk her back into his arms, it took 4 months but it happened. So that's my view on it, staying in touch with an ex means you still want them "until further notice"...
neverlost Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Just to add, in my opinion, it is just to soften the blow of finishing with you, and making them feel less guilty. For example: Hey! It's over! Bye! Or: Hey! It's over! But we can still be friends Basically the second one is the EXACT SAME, it just makes them feel better. Not you, them. -neverlost
O'Malley Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Reworded for real life: why do some (wo)men do this? A variety of reasons: --An attempt to lessen the hurt of the breakup and to assuage their own guilt --A way to keep those aspects about you that they like, while not having to have the boundaries of a relationship with you --An effort to keep you on the back burner, in case they don't find any better options for sex or dating
Trimmer Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I just always thought it was their "polite" way of dumping you, you know, to try and soften the blow, I don't think they really mean it anyway. Not that it's a one-size-fits-all answer (because I think that "keeping a backup" is probably also credible) but I think this is probably a pretty common reason. Think about it - dumping someone is terribly uncomfortable to do, and so anything that makes them feel hopeful makes it less uncomfortable for the dumper. So even if it's a b***s*** thing to say, and you don't really mean it, it gets the conversation over a little faster, with a little less anger, and gets you the hell out of there sooner. THey probably figure it won't work out that way anyway ("still be friends" is so vague...) so it's not that risky to offer. If I had no balls and I was dumping someone, I'd probably say the same thing. I don't think it's out of evil intent, I think it's out of being a wimp, male or female.
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 What's all this talk of dumpers saying things just to alleviate THEIR own guilt? I genuinely wanted to lesson the blow for the OTHER parties sake, when I broke up with my first insane gf. I genuinely wanted to inflict as LITTLE pain as possible for HER behalf... NOT so that I would feel less guilty or something. Some dumpers DO possess empathy, you know?
lilmrcheerful Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Not that it's a one-size-fits-all answer (because I think that "keeping a backup" is probably also credible) but I think this is probably a pretty common reason. Think about it - dumping someone is terribly uncomfortable to do, and so anything that makes them feel hopeful makes it less uncomfortable for the dumper. So even if it's a b***s*** thing to say, and you don't really mean it, it gets the conversation over a little faster, with a little less anger, and gets you the hell out of there sooner. THey probably figure it won't work out that way anyway ("still be friends" is so vague...) so it's not that risky to offer. If I had no balls and I was dumping someone, I'd probably say the same thing. I don't think it's out of evil intent, I think it's out of being a wimp, male or female. I totally understand and appreciate what you are saying, however, I was just basing it on my own experience. My ex didn't say she wanted to remain friends during our break up and that's because she was guilty as hell and couldn't "face me", that was her words, so I guess it really depends on what they do, if it's a genuine split up where you both really can't get on as a couple due to so many differences, then fine, friends can remain in the future, however, if one was being decitful and cheating, I just can't see how they "we can be friends now" thing work unless they were still being decitful and trying to keep you to themselves.
Knight_Ctrl Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I've found that every relationship I've had where one party or the other said "lets just be friends" failed miserably at the friends thing......but the 2 times I can recall that I KNOW no one said a damn thing about being friends....we ended up friends.....just an observation....
not_a_happy_camper Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 What's all this talk of dumpers saying things just to alleviate THEIR own guilt? I genuinely wanted to lesson the blow for the OTHER parties sake, when I broke up with my first insane gf. I genuinely wanted to inflict as LITTLE pain as possible for HER behalf... NOT so that I would feel less guilty or something. Some dumpers DO possess empathy, you know? it might have felt to you like you were being empathetic........................ but in my limited experience, being the dumpee, it's just another thread the unsuspecting and very much attached dumpee will cling on to. probably a lot longer than they would had the message first been given clear and simple.
Trimmer Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 What's all this talk of dumpers saying things just to alleviate THEIR own guilt? I genuinely wanted to lesson the blow for the OTHER parties sake, when I broke up with my first insane gf. I genuinely wanted to inflict as LITTLE pain as possible for HER behalf... NOT so that I would feel less guilty or something. Some dumpers DO possess empathy, you know? But an important point here: did you say it because you really, actually wanted to remain friends (with your insane gf???) or because you had some other agenda? And I'm not claiming a person in this situation lacks empathy - it's not all black and white. But while it's great to claim pure altruism, let's be honest here - if you were lessening the blow in that moment by being deceptive, even if for the best of intentions, didn't it actually make it easier for you to get out of the room, and potentially harder for the other person in the long run, trying to figure out why the whole friendship thing never worked out, maybe blaming herself, or extending her anguish as she held on to that slim thread of hope? Did it really lessen the blow, in the long run? And anyway, did you really mean it? Maybe my point would be better stated, when a dumpee hears "we can be friends" he/she wants to believe that the other person really means it, when in fact, much of the time, there is another agenda at stake that actually serves the dumper in one way or another - whether "lessening the blow" in the short term (so I can get out of here...) or "assuaging guilt" or whatever it is - the net result is often not a genuine offer that the dumper actually wants or intends to remain friends. Did you end up staying friends with the insane former GF?
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Sorry my friends I should've clarified. I didn't say I wanted to be friends. I lessoned the blow by saying she was a beautiful girl physically, and very compassionate and intelligent mentally. (Which I meant when I said it. I wasn't lying and/or saying it for my benefit).
not_a_happy_camper Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 But an important point here: did you say it because you really, actually wanted to remain friends (with your insane gf???) or because you had some other agenda? And I'm not claiming a person in this situation lacks empathy - it's not all black and white. But while it's great to claim pure altruism, let's be honest here - if you were lessening the blow in that moment by being deceptive, even if for the best of intentions, didn't it actually make it easier for you to get out of the room, and potentially harder for the other person in the long run, trying to figure out why the whole friendship thing never worked out, maybe blaming herself, or extending her anguish as she held on to that slim thread of hope? Did it really lessen the blow, in the long run? And anyway, did you really mean it? Maybe my point would be better stated, when a dumpee hears "we can be friends" he/she wants to believe that the other person really means it, when in fact, much of the time, there is another agenda at stake that actually serves the dumper in one way or another - whether "lessening the blow" in the short term (so I can get out of here...) or "assuaging guilt" or whatever it is - the net result is often not a genuine offer that the dumper actually wants or intends to remain friends. Did you end up staying friends with the insane former GF? that's kind of what I meant to say only I didn't put it so eloquently! good post trimmer!
stace79 Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Well, I am a woman and I can say I've had a minimum of three exes want to stay friends after a break up. Currently, my statement of wanting to be friends is more that I want us to be adults and have a civil break up instead of the high school type drama-filled, yelling/screaming/cursing nasty break up. Some of it is because I feel badly the relationship has ended badly. Part of it is that I don't like hurting anyone. I can't tell you any specific other person's motives behind it but those are some of my thoughts.
lonelygurl Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 hmmmm seriously why do some men do this?? my X the first time wanted us to be friends I don't think it matters if it is a man or woman it is a way for the person to keep the door open in case the "new" person doesn't work out.
nature Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I've only ever told one guy I wanted to be friends after I broke up with him. And it's because he was really messed up and needed to get himself together, but I still saw hope for us in the future. So I said I wanted to be friends in the hopes that he'd get himself together and we'd get back together. So there you go. It was my way of breaking up with him without letting him go entirely. Just seeing what he'd do over the few months after I broke up with him. And if he really did get himself together, I'd get back with him. Any other guy, I've never said I want to be friends after. Because I'm done with them and have no desire to consider getting back with them in the future. I've realized we are not compatible and never will be, and my feelings towards them are no longer romantic. Therefore, I've said bye bye and never looked back. And when they've come to me or contacted me after the fact, I've ignored them. For their own good. Because I know that no matter what they do, I have no desire to get back with them. So I"ve felt it was kinder to them to shut them out, than to lead them on.
belladonna Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I don't know, after my ex and I broke up I texted him a few weeks later after NC to let him know I'd be cool with being friends. He seemed to agree and we texted back and forth a bit but he never called me or anything since (just the occasional text). We ended stupidly though, I broke things off rashly and wanted to get back together and he rejected me. So I think we were both hurt from it but I don't know how he feels about me now entirely. I miss him though, I wish we could hang out like old times. And I've stayed good friends with one previous ex, not that we formally decided it's just that we had common friends and after having to see each other all the time we just became friends again. I wouldn't tell a guy that I wanted to be friends if I didn't mean it. But people say it to make the other person feel better because they think that the person won't feel as hated/rejected or whatever. Not that it really works on a one-sided dumping.
BigRedBoss657 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 It's really just a way to ease the guilt. And honestly, what is the point of being an ex's friend? In the stupid, vain hope that he/she might wake up and want to be with you? That rarely ever happens. There really is no point, especially when you don't live near each other. Most people have other friends to socialize with.
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