monkey77 Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 HI all, Just wondered if anyone could offer some advice, experiences regarding later-life separation and break-ups. Basically its regarding my parents, who have been married for over 30 years, my Mum being the one who left my Dad. When my Mum left she said she needed some space for a couple of days, then eventually called my Dad to say she had someone else. He asked whether she planned to come back etc, and work things out, but she said she was confused, she'd screwed up and it was all her fault, but give her time and she would be in touch. She called a couple of days later, asked for someone to collect her and her things, and they started to talk. That same night there was a huge row and she left again - back to this other person. My Dad left for a short-break, feeling it better to get out of the matrimonial home, clear his head etc. Whilst on this trip she called him, wanted to know if he was coming back because she was sick in hospital - she sounded normal. There was talk of sorting things out, and he went back early, but she never went back, she went to the other person again. Now Dad is opting for no contact whatsoever. She calls maybe two to five times a day, with added texts and answerphone messages. He doesn't listen or read them, he's deleting them all. The added problem is that mum was diagnosed with depression a few months before this happened - but she is naturally a very highly-strung person. She stopped taking her medication about two weeks before leaving. We had an immediate member of the family pass away within the last 2 years (none of the family can cope still), which she was one of the main carers for. I recently moved abroad as well after a work offer, taking the two only grandkids. The other person she went off with is her boss at work. He was responsible for the extensive working hours, and thus reduced time at home. Naturally my Dad was concerned and mentioned it to her (before she left), as she has not been well at all, and knows she cannot cope with the stress of long hours and physical work. I suspect the other person declared my Dad to be unsuportive! I have spoken to her, and she said how could she expect to go back after what she has done. I do think that she is trying to live another life, and pretend she is someone else - she hasn't taken anything personal with her - just clothes, 95% of her things were left behind. THe thought of the grandkids being away, the loss of someone dear, the long working hours, the depression - I am hoping its a mid-life crisis and that she will wake up. The no contact seems to have touched a nerve though. I am deeply concerned about both parents. One whose breaking, and the other who is biting themself in the bum but can't see it. Does anyone have a clue?
Mountains10 Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 HI all, Just wondered if anyone could offer some advice, experiences regarding later-life separation and break-ups. Basically its regarding my parents, who have been married for over 30 years, my Mum being the one who left my Dad. When my Mum left she said she needed some space for a couple of days, then eventually called my Dad to say she had someone else. He asked whether she planned to come back etc, and work things out, but she said she was confused, she'd screwed up and it was all her fault, but give her time and she would be in touch. She called a couple of days later, asked for someone to collect her and her things, and they started to talk. That same night there was a huge row and she left again - back to this other person. My Dad left for a short-break, feeling it better to get out of the matrimonial home, clear his head etc. Whilst on this trip she called him, wanted to know if he was coming back because she was sick in hospital - she sounded normal. There was talk of sorting things out, and he went back early, but she never went back, she went to the other person again. Now Dad is opting for no contact whatsoever. She calls maybe two to five times a day, with added texts and answerphone messages. He doesn't listen or read them, he's deleting them all. The added problem is that mum was diagnosed with depression a few months before this happened - but she is naturally a very highly-strung person. She stopped taking her medication about two weeks before leaving. We had an immediate member of the family pass away within the last 2 years (none of the family can cope still), which she was one of the main carers for. I recently moved abroad as well after a work offer, taking the two only grandkids. The other person she went off with is her boss at work. He was responsible for the extensive working hours, and thus reduced time at home. Naturally my Dad was concerned and mentioned it to her (before she left), as she has not been well at all, and knows she cannot cope with the stress of long hours and physical work. I suspect the other person declared my Dad to be unsuportive! I have spoken to her, and she said how could she expect to go back after what she has done. I do think that she is trying to live another life, and pretend she is someone else - she hasn't taken anything personal with her - just clothes, 95% of her things were left behind. THe thought of the grandkids being away, the loss of someone dear, the long working hours, the depression - I am hoping its a mid-life crisis and that she will wake up. The no contact seems to have touched a nerve though. I am deeply concerned about both parents. One whose breaking, and the other who is biting themself in the bum but can't see it. Does anyone have a clue? This sounds all too familiar. When my wife came to me and said she wanted a divorce, then 3 weeks later moved out. She then said she wouldn't come back until we had a Settlement Agreement in place. She also told me 3 months ago she would start fixing the house up so we could sell it and hasn't done the first thing toward that. Also, 95% of her stuff is still at the house and untouched, and it makes no sense to me at all. I know that one of the counselors we went to said she was in a severe depression but she refuses to go to counseling for it. I believe she was at one time involved in an EA, but I think it eventually collapsed. She still lives away and still works and in the middle of that she does party just about every weekend. Hopefully someone here can give us some more insight on this behavior.
2sure Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Monkey - Is your Dad's NC a part of a process for him or the definite closure of the marriage? Given your mother's illness and behavior this is probably the only thing he CAN do. Ultimately, if your mother's behavior is out of control - it will snowball and she will be left without options. Its possible hitting bottom will be the turning point for her and sometimes thats necessary. When she hots that point, and turns herself around - will your Dad want her back?
LakesideDream Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Monkey, there is nothing you can do in this situation. Your mother is a "walk away wife", one of many, as walk away wives are all the rage in this 21st Century. The root of the problem is deep, you can get an idea of the situation by reading here in LS. Your Dad has the right idea. The only way to survive a "walk away wife" is to begin building a new life. In some cases the wife wants to return, but often it's to late. Different people deal with betrayal in different ways. Obviously your father takes betrayal seriously, as I would. Stay out of it. Be a good son to both of your parents.
Author monkey77 Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 I agree with you 2sure, she has to hit the bottom. The background on Mum is quite caring really. Everything she is doing is so out of character, she looks a mess too - and she was the most kempt and preened person I knew, not a hair out of place! It stinks of depression and crisis. Dad is having no contact as part of the process of getting her to wake up I think. My Mum never really had a proper family growing up (abuse etc), so to know that he is possibly not waiting for her might help her realise. Sorry for you Mountains10, none of it makes sense. My Dad is pretty much worried about her welfare and state of mind. She has had episodes in the past, which we've grown up with and dealt with, this time she has gone over the top! It's so confusing, because eventually I am pretty sure she will come out of her depression, and want to go home. The problem is that the window of opportunity is getting smaller and smaller (even the opportunity to talk) from my Dad's point of view, and by the time it comes round it will be too late. I forgot to say, she has cut us all off, not just Dad. She has no contact with me, the kids, my brother or anyone else.
Mountains10 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I agree with you 2sure, she has to hit the bottom. The background on Mum is quite caring really. Everything she is doing is so out of character, she looks a mess too - and she was the most kempt and preened person I knew, not a hair out of place! It stinks of depression and crisis. Dad is having no contact as part of the process of getting her to wake up I think. My Mum never really had a proper family growing up (abuse etc), so to know that he is possibly not waiting for her might help her realise. Sorry for you Mountains10, none of it makes sense. My Dad is pretty much worried about her welfare and state of mind. She has had episodes in the past, which we've grown up with and dealt with, this time she has gone over the top! It's so confusing, because eventually I am pretty sure she will come out of her depression, and want to go home. The problem is that the window of opportunity is getting smaller and smaller (even the opportunity to talk) from my Dad's point of view, and by the time it comes round it will be too late. I forgot to say, she has cut us all off, not just Dad. She has no contact with me, the kids, my brother or anyone else. I'm sorry to hear that monkey, I can definitely relate. I tried to suggest counseling to my wife but she won't even give it a second thought. She seems to think only crazy people go to counselors. It's sad to see someone go down the tubes and when you try to throw them a lifeline they won't take it. Some people just don't want to get better and you have to let them fall on their face I assume. I hope your situation gets better.
You'reasian Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 HI all, Just wondered if anyone could offer some advice, experiences regarding later-life separation and break-ups. Basically its regarding my parents, who have been married for over 30 years, my Mum being the one who left my Dad. When my Mum left she said she needed some space for a couple of days, then eventually called my Dad to say she had someone else. He asked whether she planned to come back etc, and work things out, but she said she was confused, she'd screwed up and it was all her fault, but give her time and she would be in touch. She called a couple of days later, asked for someone to collect her and her things, and they started to talk. That same night there was a huge row and she left again - back to this other person. My Dad left for a short-break, feeling it better to get out of the matrimonial home, clear his head etc. Whilst on this trip she called him, wanted to know if he was coming back because she was sick in hospital - she sounded normal. There was talk of sorting things out, and he went back early, but she never went back, she went to the other person again. Now Dad is opting for no contact whatsoever. She calls maybe two to five times a day, with added texts and answerphone messages. He doesn't listen or read them, he's deleting them all. The added problem is that mum was diagnosed with depression a few months before this happened - but she is naturally a very highly-strung person. She stopped taking her medication about two weeks before leaving. We had an immediate member of the family pass away within the last 2 years (none of the family can cope still), which she was one of the main carers for. I recently moved abroad as well after a work offer, taking the two only grandkids. The other person she went off with is her boss at work. He was responsible for the extensive working hours, and thus reduced time at home. Naturally my Dad was concerned and mentioned it to her (before she left), as she has not been well at all, and knows she cannot cope with the stress of long hours and physical work. I suspect the other person declared my Dad to be unsuportive! I have spoken to her, and she said how could she expect to go back after what she has done. I do think that she is trying to live another life, and pretend she is someone else - she hasn't taken anything personal with her - just clothes, 95% of her things were left behind. THe thought of the grandkids being away, the loss of someone dear, the long working hours, the depression - I am hoping its a mid-life crisis and that she will wake up. The no contact seems to have touched a nerve though. I am deeply concerned about both parents. One whose breaking, and the other who is biting themself in the bum but can't see it. Does anyone have a clue? See if you can get them into couples counselling. Is that available in the UK?
imagine Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 Go to the articles of Marriagebuilders.com. Read them. Get back asap.
signedin2008 Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 When my Mum left she said she needed some space for a couple of days, then eventually called my Dad to say she had someone else. He asked whether she planned to come back etc, and work things out, but she said she was confused, she'd screwed up and it was all her fault, but give her time and she would be in touch. She wanted your dad to give her time so she can continue sleeping, XXXX with her boss. Do you know how messed up that is? It's like "honey, I just want to sleep with John some more and see how it goes. If it goes well, good bye to you, but if it doesn't, I'll think about coming back. But, in the meantime, you hang in there and wait for me."
Nomad1 Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 It is not necessary to say that to the kid! It is his mother you are talking about! I am not sure how old you are, but son (I am assuming you are male?) there is nothing you can do. Offer your dad as much support as you can. Try to keep the relationship with your mum as good as possible. She is your mother after all. She is going through a crazy period. Anything with so much intensity that it makes people act like lunatics, can not be sustained! Take care Nomad1
Author monkey77 Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 No, I am actually female! Thanks Nomad and Mountains, you're both great! Basically I have tried to keep both of them bouyant, both talking to me as much as possible - whilst trying not to interfere - extremely hard. My husband will kill me if I interfere which is a great deterrent! Last week I spoke to my Mum and said that none of us would make her pay for the rest of her life, she said this was a big concern of hers. I said that no one hated her, we were just concerned and that our reactions have been based on her behaviour. I said that everyone missed her, and that running out of the door is basically sweeping her problems under the carpet. If she was unhappy she just needed to say so, and also stop the stubborn replies and let someone know what was going through her head. This was all said with compassion, no accusations or shouting (WAS SO TOUGH)! One of the biggest concerns is the rest of the family and the shame. She called this morning to say that she has asked the other person to go. She wants to talk to Dad. Nothing is sorted yet, but I am hoping they will talk - not shout for a change. Will keep you posted!
Mountains10 Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 No, I am actually female! Thanks Nomad and Mountains, you're both great! Basically I have tried to keep both of them bouyant, both talking to me as much as possible - whilst trying not to interfere - extremely hard. My husband will kill me if I interfere which is a great deterrent! Last week I spoke to my Mum and said that none of us would make her pay for the rest of her life, she said this was a big concern of hers. I said that no one hated her, we were just concerned and that our reactions have been based on her behaviour. I said that everyone missed her, and that running out of the door is basically sweeping her problems under the carpet. If she was unhappy she just needed to say so, and also stop the stubborn replies and let someone know what was going through her head. This was all said with compassion, no accusations or shouting (WAS SO TOUGH)! One of the biggest concerns is the rest of the family and the shame. She called this morning to say that she has asked the other person to go. She wants to talk to Dad. Nothing is sorted yet, but I am hoping they will talk - not shout for a change. Will keep you posted! Monkey, Glad to hear they are at least talking. I agree, try and support them as best as possible without getting directly involved. Keep us posted on how it goes. M10
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