thegoodguy Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 There's a lot of stuff that has happened between us. We've been together for a year and a half and starting in December things turned sour. She seemed really distant and tried breaking up with me. Well later in December, right before christmas, she broke up with me. She kept changing her reasons all the time. Anyway a few days later, we get back together. Now a day or so into the second attempt, I find out she used the 2 days we were apart to go out with another guy and hook up with him. I get angry at this (naturally) and she uses that as an excuse to leave me. She breaks up with me again and hooks up with him. Now for some reason, we decided to give it another shot. I calmed down a bit about the other dude. Needless to say, the very next day she texts me breaking up with me again (through a text...very low..) and it was just too much. Well the next day I learned that she was already in a relationship with the other guy. So now, I had a choice to make, do I sit around moping over this, waiting to just get hurt again, or do I move on with my life. Naturally I chose the latter, and I began the no contact step of the process. About 3 days into no contact she decides to IM me... she starts telling me about how horrible her life is and how she made a HUGE mistake and they were broken up and she wants me back. The thing that really upset me was that she was hurting herself. She already has a bunch of cuts on her wrists and she was threatening to kill herself. Obviously she really needs me so I got into a relationship with her again. Right now I'm sort of trying to get her to lead a better lifestyle and not threaten to hurt herself or do anything to herself because honestly I'm only human and I can't take the negativity anymore. Moving on, the reason why I'm asking how to leave her is because when I made the decision to move on, I told myself that I wasn't going back to her, I told myself that it could only bring more pain to me, so my heart was already in the process of removing her. Now that I'm with her again I feel like the love has faded a little... I know that we've shared some magical moments together but I still can't help feeling distant. I also feel really guilty about all this, I feel like I'm leading her on but I don't know what to do... I still care about her and I need to make sure she's alright first. What should I do? She has very few friends (idk if she can rely on any of them) and her parents don't know a thing about sensitivity... I feel like I'm the only positive thing in her life. I understand that I can't be her crutch but how do I change that? Also, there are times when I have doubts... I wonder whether or not I'm doing the right thing... I wonder whether I should stay with her or not. Right now as I'm trying to get her to change I'm also sort of giving this a trial process, but I do think the love has faded and I don't want to hurt her by staying in a loveless relationship. She deserves better than that... Very confusing stuff I know... someone please help me out..
Goatsbreath Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I only have a short moment but the quick side of things is that you can not help her and she needs counseling.
Geishawhelk Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Obviously she really needs me so I got into a relationship with her again. No. She's using you. If she needed you, she would never have left you in the first place. Right now I'm sort of trying to get her to lead a better lifestyle and not threaten to hurt herself or do anything to herself because honestly I'm only human and I can't take the negativity anymore. YOU - CAN-NOT - FIX HER. Only she can fix her. She's leaning on you and draining you of any energy you have, but it won't work. (Hence your last comment....) If she cuts herself, it's on her, not you. If she keeps banging back to this guy, it's on her head, not yours. She has choices. She makes them. They're bad choices, but that's just tough. Until she changes her decisions, she is still broken. And there's not a damn thing you can do about it. Moving on, the reason why I'm asking how to leave her is because when I made the decision to move on, I told myself that I wasn't going back to her, I told myself that it could only bring more pain to me, so my heart was already in the process of removing her. You didn't finish the job, That was YOUR choice. bad choice. See? Now that I'm with her again I feel like the love has faded a little... I know that we've shared some magical moments together but I still can't help feeling distant. I also feel really guilty about all this, I feel like I'm leading her on but I don't know what to do... Simple. You tell her to leave, and tell her you can't do this any more. I still care about her and I need to make sure she's alright first. Commendable. In that case, put your own life on hold and on a back burner, because whilst she has Mr Patsy-soft-cushion to fall on (that's you) she will never make progress. Ever heard of tough Love? Go to it. What should I do? She has very few friends (idk if she can rely on any of them) and her parents don't know a thing about sensitivity... I feel like I'm the only positive thing in her life. I understand that I can't be her crutch but how do I change that? You tell her: I can no longer be your crutch. You need professional help. I can't do this for you. For my own well-being I have to break trhis vicious cycle now. And you need to go." Also, there are times when I have doubts... I wonder whether or not I'm doing the right thing... I wonder whether I should stay with her or not. Right now as I'm trying to get her to change I'm also sort of giving this a trial process, but I do think the love has faded and I don't want to hurt her by staying in a loveless relationship. She deserves better than that... Very confusing stuff I know... someone please help me out.. Certainly. There's the door. (See the Bold bit? Forget it. It's not going to work. She has to want to do this, and see it on her own.) Show her the way to exit.
Geishawhelk Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Oh, by the way.... "Love of your life".....? Er....No. Not by a long chalk. This really isn't a very healthy relationship, is it? So 'Love' is really not the word here.
WiseOne1 Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I'm actually going through something exactly like urs, with th ex attenpting to commit sucide and trying to commit sucide, and when you love someone and they attempt sucide it drains a lot of enery from the relationship. I attempted to help my ex also in her issues also and trust me it doesn't work and the only person who can help her is her self, and we want to help but the ex but really all this is her new bfs job, but he probably doesn't care and tell her to go ahead because he already got what he wanted. Being there for her emotionally and mental is her new bfs job and your not geting paid for doing his job so why do it, think about it.
Template Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Dude, you don't need to go through this. Because you even care just a little, makes you a better person than she deserves. She's using you, and she probably doesn't even know it. That's truly the sad thing about it all. She doesn't need YOU. If she really did, she wouldn't have done all those things to you. She just needs an excuse to justify her pathetic existence. You cannot help someone who won't help themselves. Trust me on this one. She's being selfish and just cares about herself, while at the same time taking yours for granted. Where does that leave you? If you want to be nice, tell her she needs professional help. IF you want to be mean, tell her f--k off, and leave you alone. Either way, have some dignity and self-respect, and do what's best for YOU, because she clearly won't.
Author thegoodguy Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 You guys have provided a lot of wisdom there however it's all a bit on the angry side. I'm not angry at her, I don't hate her, I just want her to be alright. Simply telling her to "f--k off" will not do (trust me). I just want her to be alright and if I just up and left I don't think she would be. This could just be her using me but I don't care, I still want her to be alright before I go off... And "WiseOne1" she doesn't have a new bf they were together for a day before it ended. It's not like I can hand her off to someone else and go here you are, she's your problem now. What makes this especially hard is that part of me still loves her so I don't really know how to do this.. but tough love isn't really the way I wanna go with it. How do I let go of her gently?
Template Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Hey goodguy, You are right, it all does seem to be on the angry tip. That why i qualified the mean route with a "IF". Ask yourself this, how far are you willing to go torturing yourself while she may or may not try to get better? At what point do you say "enough of this"? A relationship does NOT work, if you are spending all your time trying to make some happy, and not being able to receive or provide your own happiness. Also tbh dude, unless you are a trained therapist, just the fact that she does self mutilating harm, tells me she needs more than just your help. There's nothing wrong in being a friends, and supporting her through this process, but you can't/won't/shouldn't be her hero.
BigRedBoss657 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Bro, like all the other advice on above, she's stringing you along. Things are probably are a little rocky right now with the new guy. That's why she's keeping you around. Don't give her that security and cut her loose. Then, when it all goes to hell with the new guy, she can wallow in her pain that she has caused yourself. It sucks you're going through this. If she was courteous, she would have let you go resolutely. You will certainly feel the pain and that's normal. But, there's nothing you can do to fix her. You need to let her go completely if you have any chance of her ever genuinely coming back. Even that there's probably a trust issue after that. Best of luck man.
Author thegoodguy Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 That I understood a little bit better. You're right I shouldn't be her hero, I'm only human and I'm not a therapist, however I do care about her so I guess what I'm trying to do is situate things so that she has something to fall back on, so that she doesn't have to take anything out on herself. I've been broken up with a lot and I understand how hard it is so for someone who is already emotionally unstable it would be a harsh add-on to the pain. What do you suggest though besides trying to find a few good friends? I already talked to her and explained that the cutting has to stop. I think she's on her way to a healthier lifestyle but there's still a long way to go and every minute I'm in this I feel guilty as if I'm leading her on...
lkjh Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Bro, just tell her you want to be friends and get her to seek IC.
Author thegoodguy Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 Still trying my friend. It's no easy task though. I figured I'd give this a week or so and let her down gently. I just hate that feeling... knowing their reaction after. I hope things aren't bitter between us after I do this.
sedgwick Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 She already has a bunch of cuts on her wrists and she was threatening to kill herself. Obviously she really needs me so I got into a relationship with her again. Nope, she needs therapy from a qualified psychiatric professional. If she's breaking up all the time and hooking up with other guys, she has officially forfeited her right to "need you." Also, there are many other ways to respond to her needs than being in a relationship with her. I have a history of depression and eating disorders, but that's my problem, and I have to fix it. (Which I am, by seeing a therapist.) It's nobody else's to take on, especially an ex I've hurt badly. You owe her absolutely nothing. NC!!!
Author thegoodguy Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 I can see you guys get right to the point.. quite bitter about it too. It's understandable though. Thank you all for your input. I guess if the feelings are gone I shouldn't prolong it. I'll see what happens in the next few days. Sure wish she's alright though.
sedgwick Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I'm not sure how all of us telling you that someone who is cutting herself needs psychiatric help equates to bitterness, but if that's the way you see it, okay.
Truly Lost Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I think you are very considerate of her. She sounds like she doesn't know what she wants. It also sounds like you don't really know either. You love her but you don't. You can't quit her cold turkey, so now what? I think you should tell her what you feel and where you want things to go from here. She deserves the truth and so do you. If you aren't in love with her anymore then its time to get everything out on table. You don't want her to do anything stupid, but its really not up to you what she does, she's going to do whatever she wants. You can't stop her and you certainly can't be the blame for it. She is a big girl and needs to learn how to handle hurting. Everyone does from time to time, especially when they lose someone special in there lives. Its life. You shouldn't put your life on hold because you feel sorry for her. Obviously you don't want to breakup. So just stay together and deal with it.
againstallodds Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I find it hard to dump someone even if you know it won't workout. I guess you have to go through the pain of getting dumped first before you can dump someone. Dumping someone is like a defense mechanism, you don't want to get hurt by being dumped.
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