FIREMAN Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 OK...I'll sum it up quick. My Girl & I were together almost 3 yrs. Sex has died off l8ly and I realize she's avoiding it...not totally, but most of the time. There is no other guy. On Sat, we had plans and she called to cancel again to go out w\her girlfriend that had a free concert ticket. She revealed to me that she's been avoiding me cause she's been bothered by an arguement we had months ago and hasn't been able to get past it. Said she loves me more than anything, but doesn't feel sexual w\me l8ly. Doesn't know why. (she said a few weeks ago she might be going thru early menopause-it runs in the fam. She bleeds every 2 weeks, then not for a month or 2. PMS symptoms do this too) The blow offs have been going on for 6-10 months now. I said the only options were to go separate ways or stay a couple and work on it. There was silence from both of us and I said I have to go. She said, tlk to you l8r. We didn't talk for 2 days. I called Mon Night and said "hope u had a good wknd. I understand our conversation from Sat and at very least want to remain friends". She texted me 1st thing Tues morn! I didn't answer for a few hours as I was busy. When I did, she txt'd me like crazy for 10 min. Normal convers. as if nothing happened. Lots of smiley faces ) Then, she calls me later that night. I was out w\friends and asked if I could call when I got home. She said she had a bad day at work and was going to sleep early. She asked if I'd be around on Wed. I said Yes and she said goodnight. No xoxo or love you's. Today (Wed) she called me. We tlkd for 10-15 min. Again, normal convers. and no mention of our argument or issue. Just what we did the last few days and what we each had planned the next few days. No mention of getting together, our status or anything about our relationship or issue. We ended with tlk to you l8r. Again, no "Love U". Then she texted me Goodnight about 2 hours later and I did the same back. She responded w\a ) again. EXACTLY WHAT DOES SHE WANT? I understand maybe she feels awkward about "us" and that explains the lack of xoxo or I Love You's right now, but does she want to stay a couple, be friends, work on this or what? I don't want to bring it up and argue or have tension. Any Ideas????? PS- I didn't suggest a reconciliation or getting together for fear of her avoiding me again. Should I suggest it or wait for her to?
Change2 Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 IMO, You just need to be blunt and honest to find out where you guys stand and what both of you want out of the relationship. Are you positive there is no other guy ( not trying to be neg but i just recently found out my husband was cheating) Just approach it how ever you know she won't get defensive and shut down. Best of luck to ya..I pray you get some answers soon. TALK TO HER!!
Author FIREMAN Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 I think a LARGE part of our prob is that she has a fear of intimacy\committment and that's why she backs away after things get romantic and intimate. I think she loves me and doesn't want to lose me, but by the same token, is so scared of the committment and fear of failing in a relationship (she's mentioned the fear of failing in the rel to me before), that she keeps me at arms lenght and won't let it get too physical, UNLESS it's on her terms. She's also mentioned to me in the past that she's subconciously self-sabotaged past relationships due to this fear. We've tried to tlk about it in the past and she panics and anxiety kicks in and we wind up all stressed about it. It's tough to tlk about it w\her when she wants to avoid the tlk alltogether. Like a catch 22. Should I suggest getting together or wait for her to suggest it on her terms?
IcemanJB Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 You need to be honest and tell her what you want, then find out what she wants. You're not going to get any answers by beating around the bush like this. EDIT: fireman, you must be my evil twin brother!
neverlost Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Argh, sounds a little like my situation. After being distant, she wanted to talk to me in a day or 2, but everyday she sends about 1 or 2 texts, usually late at night, asking how I am, and hopes I am ok, but with no I love you. But I'm going no contact. I think the more you are repying to her, the less inclined she will be to actually sort this out. She will feel safe at the moment. So I either suggest you ask her once and for all what is actually going on (regardless if she doesn't like to talk about things like that) this is your feelings, your heart and your relationship on the line. If she doesn't give you a straight answer, or she says she needs time to figure it out, no contact. Or you just don't reply to her anymore right now, so then she will either realise she wants to be with you when she feels she is losing you, or she doesn't really change, and I'm afraid accept it may be over And don't wait for her to suggest it on HER terms, you are a team. Because if you don't do something that she wants, then you're out. It should be what you BOTH want. -neverlost
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