Geishawhelk Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 Now! Right now! There is no time like the present, because to be honest, there is no other time BUT the present!! When you see her, I would say that you need to talk, and put your cards on the table. I suggest along the following lines; You've made heroic and gargantuan efforts to redress your attitude and behaviour. You know you're not out of the woods yet (everybody - without exception- is Work-in-progress, all the time) and that you still need to focus on being a better person.... But now the pussyfooting needs to be over. Propose complete openness and counselling. Marriage counselling of course, but perhaps you also both need Individual counselling. And be emphatic that she does need to be committed to this. There is no wavering. There can't be. This really is one time when you need to know that it's all or nothing. Does she want to work to keep this marriage on its feet, or does she want to separate? You want - and need - an answer. Because if there is any doubt in her mind about committing to this, it has to be fair that at least you know what you're dealing with. If she wants to quit - now would be a good time to tell you. If she wants to stay - now would be a good time to make plans.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 Do you really want to change. If you really want to change, it actually really easy. All you have to do is set up a video camera and then start drinking in front of it. Make sure the wife and kids are there so you can see how you treat them. You are what is called a "mean drunk" I know because I was one once (11 years with out so much as a beer). The next morning show the film with your family around you. It will be a wake up like you've never seen before. I guarantee it.
Chinook Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 This is an interesting suggestion. I'm curious about how long did the crushes last? Did you both have lots of day to day interaction with said co-workers? And did you feel at all jelous about your partner's crush despite all the honesty? Yes, we both had a lot of interaction at work with the respective co-worker crushes. But the respective co-workers at the time, did not know that they were the object of unrequited attention (on both sides) so it was fairly easy to maintain the boundaries. I don't think I felt jealous of his crushes - very hard to recall though as it was a lonnng time ago. But what I do recall is that we both worked extremely hard to ensure that the other person was aware that it was only a crush and we also worked hard to ensure the other person knew that they were the centre of each other's world. I doubt it would have worked otherwise. In the end those situations became more funny than anything because we'd make fun of each other's acute embarrassing moments at work! It made light of things and it also pulled us together in dealing with things of this nature. The problem with a crush etc is it can only progress further if there is concealment - with us there wasn't any secrecy, so it wasn't an issue. I recall one particular instance where I had a crush on a particular co-worker and there was a work social function that my partner accompanied me to. When he met the guy he was relentless in his making fun of me because the guy was actually a jerk! My crush died immediately
Chinook Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 OfftheCuff, sorry I made a response to something which was asked of me, but to come back to your situation... I can understand now why the issue of 'how did I contribute to this' was so important. You guys have made huge strides with where you are. I think with counselling and support you can both make this work. Good luck to you both.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 She really hit a low point... was crying for awhile and said that she basically wants to die, she just doesn't have the stones to do it... she feels so bad about what she did, mostly in relation to me, but also just her self value and what not, and why does she do these things... so this basically goes on for like a half an hour or so before she kinda starts to come out of it.... we sit and keep talking, , she says she feel so worthless and like a whore and all this and that.... So, now.... I am kind of at a cross roads.... I dont really know what I want to do here, , before she had told me that, I was feeling pretty resolved to try and work things out and see where they went, , but now It's like.... I dunno... cause part of me is like.... okay, , Do I really want to stay with her?? but then part of me is like, , this person is so broken, , and I really, really feel that this is all my fault... I mean if you tell a person over and over again that they are worthless and a whore... and a POS.... at some point, , they start to believe it... I don’t know.... A normal person would never have put up with the way you treated her! Your wife was more than likely very broken before you met her. This isn't something you can fix. Anyone with even a mild amount of self worth would not allow themselves to be pressured into sex that way. You have so much on your plate to fix. My suggestion is to put all this stuff with your wife on the backburner, and really work on yourself. You can choose to leave her anytime if she doesn't change, but you have to make yourself a better man first! So, fix yourself... because you can't fix her... only she can!
2sure Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 I want to be honest here. You scare me. Your descriptions of your own behavior - drinking/driving with the kids in the car while having an argument and calling their mother a f'g whore in front of them...and from your own description over the years telling your wife she was worthless... Dude, this is classic abuse. No question. This is the kind of abusive relationship that we all end up reading about in the paper. The kind that goes on for years - with the abuser being very very sorry afterwards and the victim forgiving - because they are too broken not to. I'm sorry. I know that right now you are sincere. But I also know people dont change that completely, that fast. I ask, that while you are feeling pretty good....get some help. There may be many problems within your marriage. Your wife is recognizing that she needs help, that this is not good for the kids, and that you have a problem. Her having sex with others , to me, sounds like the least of them.
Author OfftheCuff Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 I want to be honest here. You scare me. Your descriptions of your own behavior - drinking/driving with the kids in the car while having an argument and calling their mother a f'g whore in front of them...and from your own description over the years telling your wife she was worthless... Dude, this is classic abuse. No question. This is the kind of abusive relationship that we all end up reading about in the paper. The kind that goes on for years - with the abuser being very very sorry afterwards and the victim forgiving - because they are too broken not to. I'm sorry. I know that right now you are sincere. But I also know people dont change that completely, that fast. I ask, that while you are feeling pretty good....get some help. There may be many problems within your marriage. Your wife is recognizing that she needs help, that this is not good for the kids, and that you have a problem. Her having sex with others , to me, sounds like the least of them. Hey 2Sure. Thank you for your reply and I appreciate your viewpoint and suggestions. There is one point that I did want to make, and that is that I was not driving, , my wife was driving I was in the passenger seat... I would never drink and drive, let alone with my children in the car... aside from lately, I don't even really drink at all... However, I do agree with most of what you said. I may not be able to change myself that completely,, most things I will have to work on and will take time, , such as how I react emotionally and how I cope emotionally with things... However there are a few things that I have resolved with myself to not do, , and that is that I refuse to call my wife hurtful or negative names or to degrade or critisize her in any way, , because that IS NOT how any husband should ever treat his wife. As a person I feel that I have good morals and ethics, , how my abusive behaviors have slipped through the cracks and went mostly unoticed by myself is beyond me... Maybe for that I deserve to and should lose her. I have promised myself, that If I were to go back to doing that, I will leave her myself, , I can't do that to her anymore, , she deserves so much better, and I owe her that... I truly feel indebted to her. Also I have agreed to not blowing up or reacting to things, , because I refuse to have my wife live here and to be afraid of me, or of what she says as to how I might react... That is unacceptable to me. She has agreed to work on things with me, , in essence give this marriage another chance. We have been see'ing a counselor together which has already helped quite a bit, , has helped me to see things quite a bit differently... I have already made arrangements to meet with someone for just myself and will be meeting with them soon and my wife has something through her work that is suppose to give counseling and help, , we are to be meeting with them this Friday. We have also made arrangements for the children to be spending alot of time with their grandparents over the next few months, so that things can hopefully be ironed out, one way or another... Do you feel that there is hope for us 2sure, , or do you feel that maybe I should leave my wife and give her the freedom from me that she probably deserves... Thank you for your honesty and opinion 2sure.
Author OfftheCuff Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 Do you really want to change. If you really want to change, it actually really easy. All you have to do is set up a video camera and then start drinking in front of it. Make sure the wife and kids are there so you can see how you treat them. You are what is called a "mean drunk" I know because I was one once (11 years with out so much as a beer). The next morning show the film with your family around you. It will be a wake up like you've never seen before. I guarantee it. Thank you for the suggestions, , but I promise I do not have any problems with alcohol, , I honestly don't even really like the taste or the effects... in the past on average, I might have maybe one or two drinks a month, , also alcoholism doesn't run in my family. I 'had' been drinking more, because the effects of liquor were better than coping with the pain I had inside... I know that it's not good or okay to do that, , but sometimes It felt like it was either drinking or jumping off of a bridge... I think though that even though I felt better to cope, my emotions were intensified, hence the getting angry or feeling more needy or whatnot.... but thanks for your suggestions....
Author OfftheCuff Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 OfftheCuff, sorry I made a response to something which was asked of me, but to come back to your situation... I can understand now why the issue of 'how did I contribute to this' was so important. You guys have made huge strides with where you are. I think with counselling and support you can both make this work. Good luck to you both. Thank you very much Chinook... I appreciate your support!
Author OfftheCuff Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 Now! Right now! There is no time like the present, because to be honest, there is no other time BUT the present!! When you see her, I would say that you need to talk, and put your cards on the table. I suggest along the following lines; You've made heroic and gargantuan efforts to redress your attitude and behaviour. You know you're not out of the woods yet (everybody - without exception- is Work-in-progress, all the time) and that you still need to focus on being a better person.... But now the pussyfooting needs to be over. Propose complete openness and counselling. Marriage counselling of course, but perhaps you also both need Individual counselling. And be emphatic that she does need to be committed to this. There is no wavering. There can't be. This really is one time when you need to know that it's all or nothing. Does she want to work to keep this marriage on its feet, or does she want to separate? You want - and need - an answer. Because if there is any doubt in her mind about committing to this, it has to be fair that at least you know what you're dealing with. If she wants to quit - now would be a good time to tell you. If she wants to stay - now would be a good time to make plans. Absolutely. I couldn't agree with you more Geishawhelk. Fortunately for me, , most of this has happened and been put into play since my last post. She has agreed to stay and work on things and get help and has been open and honest... I guess we'll just see where it goes from here... I do agree that there is no time like the present... I feel like this is really our last chance... I must say that I am very hopeful and optimistic, , but I guess we'll see where we are in 6 months... If we can make progress and become better people and be happier, , than that is what I want and what what I feel is best for everybody involved.... mostly the children because they deserve that. Thank you again for your suggestions, , very much appreciated!
Recommended Posts