OfftheCuff Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 This is a pretty simple question really, , and I am open to any other suggestions, but mostly I am just interested in the answer to my question(s). Me and my wife have been together for 8 years. Me and my wife have been faithful to eachother until just recently when she decided to have an affair with a Co-Worker. It was more emotional than physical, but they did have sex a few times. I love my wife (don't ask me why.... I kinda wonder myself sometimes) and we have two little children. I just found out within the last week and I have not made a solid decision as to if I want to stay or leave, however it is most likely that I will end up staying, mostly because I don't want to throw away everything that I have put into this family/marriage, just because my wife made a stupid decision... I guess time will tell... ANYWAY... getting to the questions... I am pretty distraught over the whole thing, however it doesn't bother me that much when I don't think about it. When I do think about it, it tears me up inside and hurts me alot, however when I start to think about it, if I just stop or go and do something and change in my mind what I am thinking about, I do alright... The questions that I have are, , is this unhealthy or something I shouldnt do? If I can get away from the pain by not thinking about it, or changing what I think about when I do, , is that okay? will I have to deal with this in my head at some point? like.. If i just ignore it or tuck it away, , will it come back to hurt me later on?? any input on this would be much appreciated!!
BlackLace Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Honestly....this will be in the back of your head no matter what and it will only be a matter of time before it resurfaces or you start feeling resentment towards her. Your best bet is to deal with it now and find out what you really NEED to do. Don't worry about what you've built with her, those are all things you can build again (well, except for the kids....thats a different issue)...but being in this relationship and putting this issue in the back burner is not healthy.
2sunny Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 if you stuff it down and ignore what the affair represents or entails then yes, the emotion will show later on and can be a huge detriment. you need to get to the bottom of why she would consider placing her emotions (and her body) outside your marriage and what must be missing for her to try to obtain that from someone besides you. counseling could be extremely helpful if you both are willing to be honest and do some hard work to save the marriage. good luck to you both.
Change2 Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Im sorry for your pain..I recently too found out my husband cheated one me. We have too been together 8 years. The weekend before christmas I found out actually and he filed for divorce. We also have 2 little ones. Anyways, I don't think it would be healthy to do that but at the same time its the worst feeling in the world to always be thinking about it. I have been going through sooo many emotions. We decided to work things out, he stopped the divorce and he is in a 12 step program for sex addiction and i am in a recovery program, which I love. We are also seeing a faith based councler through catholic charities and he used to be addicted to porn which helps us out alot. I really think you should think about talking with someone to help you process your emotions and deal with them..i know im not much help because i am on her to get help!! Best of luck to you and your wife. I truly hope and pray that you two can work it out..its a long haul but worth it in my opinion.
Trialbyfire Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Don't repress it. It will come back in full force when you least expect it. Both of you should consider marriage AND individual counseling. There are few LS members who have recovered from infidelity of which there are two that made it. One is Owl, the other a poster who no longer frequents which is sad, LadyJane14. LJ highly recommends a site called marriage builders, if you're determined to save your marriage. Good luck!
Trialbyfire Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Hold it, I forgot about NoIDidn't, Herenow, IfWishesWereHorses and a few others that have also recovered from infidelity. My apologies if I've forgotten to mention anyone else!
Geishawhelk Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 ....There are, on the other hand, too many who haven't. And i would say that the main reasons are the inabilities of individuals to Let Go, and the inability - ore reluctance - communicate effectively. Marriage takes effort and commitment. Any old fool can "swing a leg over", or "accommodate a new visitor".... This is for both of you to work on, because I will say one thing: Her infidelity is not the cause of this fracture. Something happened before, to precipitate her behaviour. There was already an issue. Ther was already a dissatisfaction or discomfiture in your relationship, that led her to doing this. And like it or not, know it or not - you have to discuss that.
Chinook Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 This is for both of you to work on, because I will say one thing: Her infidelity is not the cause of this fracture. Something happened before, to precipitate her behaviour. There was already an issue. Ther was already a dissatisfaction or discomfiture in your relationship, that led her to doing this. And like it or not, know it or not - you have to discuss that. Whilst I tend to agree with Geishawhelk a lot, on this I think it isn't as clear cut as there already being a problem. There may not have been and when you ask her what contributed to it, your wife may not be able to pinpoint clearly what the issue is. Be prepared for that. For some people, sometimes it is actually the 'grass is greener' thing. There may be nothing wrong on your side of the fence, but somehow, the other side of the fence looked more appealing and seductive. Whilst an issue or problem in a relationship will contribute to the infidelity, there still has to be recognition of personal responsibility and making a choice to cross over there. Many years ago when I was with my first partner (we split after I became ill). At the start of our relationship we were very honest with each other and agreed that it was unrealistic that neither of us would not find other people attractive. It turned out that at one point both of us had a crush on respective co-workers. Neither of us did anything about it. At all. Not ever. But what we did do, is we talked about it. We made the environment at home safe to discuss this kind of thing and in the end, it made us stronger because whilst on the surface we used humour to deal with it (we would equally tease each other about 'the crush') we also knew that the other person was being absolutely honest about their feelings and the crushes both passed in time. Creating that kind of safe environment is hard - but I think that this should exist in ANY relationship not as a way of making infidelity or being emotionally detatched acceptable - but as a way of drawing each other closer. The problem is, it demands a lot of work and it demands absolute honesty from each other (and sensitivity). You and your spouse should be able to rely on each other, even through crushes and minor things like someone flirting... once secrecy becomes involved, thats where things start to come undone.
Geishawhelk Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Whilst I tend to agree with Geishawhelk a lot, on this I think it isn't as clear cut as there already being a problem. There may not have been and when you ask her what contributed to it, your wife may not be able to pinpoint clearly what the issue is. Be prepared for that. Yes. Getting to the bottom of it is going to take a lot more than, "so tell me honey, what didn't work for you?" It could take months. And simply because you may at one point be able to locate the cause, will not mean the hard work is done. It will mean the hard work is just beginning. For some people, sometimes it is actually the 'grass is greener' thing. There may be nothing wrong on your side of the fence, but somehow, the other side of the fence looked more appealing and seductive. Whilst an issue or problem in a relationship will contribute to the infidelity, there still has to be recognition of personal responsibility and making a choice to cross over there. No, I'm sorry, but there always is. If somebody is feeling content, validated and fulfilled within a relationship, there is never any need or desire to seek that anywhere else. If the grass seems greener over there, it's because the grass over here has been under-watered and not maintained! If it looks better over there, it follows that something over here doesn't look as good! Many years ago when I was with my first partner (we split after I became ill). At the start of our relationship we were very honest with each other and agreed that it was unrealistic that neither of us would not find other people attractive. It turned out that at one point both of us had a crush on respective co-workers. Neither of us did anything about it. At all. Not ever. But what we did do, is we talked about it. Precisely my point. The big difference is that OP's wife never saw this red flag. Or if she did, she ignored it. You and your wife managed to avert the problem, by seeing it and discussing it. Had one or the other of you not done this, you would have found yourselves straying ever closer to the low point of the fence, to go sit in someone else's garden. You communicated. The OP's wife - didn't. Ergo, she took what seemed the most attractive option. Oh dear.
OpenBook Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 If somebody is feeling content, validated and fulfilled within a relationship, there is never any need or desire to seek that anywhere else. If the grass seems greener over there, it's because the grass over here has been under-watered and not maintained! If it looks better over there, it follows that something over here doesn't look as good! Yeah, I used to think this way too, and have engaged in more than a few rather, um, HEATED arguments with the BS's about this!! However, I'm not so sure anymore. I don't think it's quite as simple as that sometimes. The very nature of marriage - intimacy, familiarity, dealing with practical mundane issues together - breeds contempt. To where the person looking at his own grass all of a sudden PERCEIVES it to be under-watered and not maintained, when actually it is perfectly healthy. I don't care who you decide to marry. Anyone who builds a life together is going to get sick of each other after awhile. I think this is precisely the reason why so many MM are reluctant to divorce their W's even after they've cheated on them. They realize they would just go through the same thing with a different partner. Maybe not the same exact issues... but definitely the same boat. To the OP's question, unfortunately only you can answer it in the end. It's your choice whether to forgive her and move on from it... and also your choice of HOW you're going to move on from it! There are many, many ways we hurt each other in a relationship. Cheating is only one of those many ways. Sometimes the hurt doled out is unintentional, and other times it's spitefully on-purpose. Each individual decides which hurts are deal-breakers and which hurts can be overlooked, forgiven, or worked on. A good MC can help you sort through all this. But in the end, it's all up to you. Is your W worth the price you will pay for staying in the marriage? Only you can make this terrible and weighty decision. It's a tough place to be in. My sympathies are with you.
OpenBook Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 And I just realized that I completely failed to answer the OP's question! My apologies. I think you should give yourself a break, you've just been through a traumatic experience, and you have to live with the perp. It's a lot like the 5 (is it 5??) stages of grief, and you're in the 1st stage of Disbelief. If you have a greater understanding of what you're going through, maybe it will help you to gain some sense of control over it. But I agree with the other posters - you're going to have to deal with the pain sooner or later. But if you're not ready to do that yet, I think that is perfectly fine. You do whatever you have to do, to get by, for now.
Geishawhelk Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Humans are not naturally monogamous. It's not inbuilt, it's socially and religiously conditioned. As my signature says: Desire is natural. Commitment is a choice. If we commit to one person, we had better realise it's a contract. There's no get-out clause. If we can't do the time, don't sign the dotted line.
BlueEyedGirl Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Many years ago when I was with my first partner (we split after I became ill). At the start of our relationship we were very honest with each other and agreed that it was unrealistic that neither of us would not find other people attractive. It turned out that at one point both of us had a crush on respective co-workers. Neither of us did anything about it. At all. Not ever. But what we did do, is we talked about it. We made the environment at home safe to discuss this kind of thing and in the end, it made us stronger because whilst on the surface we used humour to deal with it (we would equally tease each other about 'the crush') we also knew that the other person was being absolutely honest about their feelings and the crushes both passed in time. . This is an interesting suggestion. I'm curious about how long did the crushes last? Did you both have lots of day to day interaction with said co-workers? And did you feel at all jelous about your partner's crush despite all the honesty?
Owl Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Infidelity is a HUGE thing to deal with. You're not going to "get over it" in a matter of days/weeks...or even likely months. It typically takes a marriage >two years to 'recover' from it...if it does. Start now. Don't passively sit there and 'think about it'. INSIST on marriage counseling with a counselor who has a good plan on how to help your marriage heal. Check out "Surviving An Affair" by Dr Harley. Take a look at the marriagebuilders.com website. There's a lot of good free material there, but be very cautious if you choose to use their forum. You need to work through this. Why it happened? What all are you being asked to forgive? What can you do to keep it from happening again? That's what counseling can help you with.
Author OfftheCuff Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 Thank you all very much for your replies, , I do appreciate it very much. Me and my wife have had so many issues... This is actually a second offense for my wife. She had an affair (emotionally and phsyically once) with the guy(co-worker) about three months ago the first time, and then I just found out just a few days ago that she had been seeing him again over the last month... this time time there was physical interaction twice. I don't know why I was so naive or allowed her to continue to work at the same place to where she could have some contact with him... I guess I kinda asked for it in a sense. I do agree with some of the debate in this post, but on this issue specifically, Geishawhelk was spot on. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.... I was obviously never given the tools on how to treat a women and also how to be in a relationship... I have recently wondered from doing research quite a bit online if I may have a mild case of Borderline personality disorder. I have always been controlling, manipulating, demaning, critisizing, , mentally/verbally abusive, , Become explosive duing arguments... always thinking that I was right, , everything was mostly her fault.. Jealouse.. that kinda of stuff... I cut myself when undergoing difficult situations... I know it doesn't really attribute much after all that I just said, but I have never hit my wife in the time we have been married... The thing is, , and I am sure that I will get some negative feedback from some or most on this board... I never really saw any of that until just recently, , until everything happened... I mean I knew that I was abusive vocally and mentally, , by putting my wife down and calling her names when we got into arguments... but I never really got what it was doing to her, , what she was going through... and some of the other things, , such as being controlling or manipulative, I never even thought that I was those things.... Seriously... I don't know if i'm a little retarded or what, ,but I just never got what it did to her or what it was doing... I don't know how I never got it or seen it... I feel so horrible about it all, , I have cried alot just about the things that I have done... things that a husband should never say to his wife or do. Why is it that the ones who love eachother the most also hurt eachother the most... Anyway, , So basically, , I feel that my wifes infidelity's are mostly my fault, , kinda what Geishawhelk was getting at... I feel responsable, , that If I had been a good and responsible, , caring, loving, listening husband, that she would have never strayed... I know because I know how my wife feels about infidelity and how she feels about herself now that she has done it. I guess I am kinda opening this up for anyone's suggestions as to what to do from here...? I really feel that I want to give this marriage one more chance, , I feel that I owe it that, , that so many of the problems and issue are my fault... I do love my wife, , and despite her actions and decisions, , I know she loves me too... We both want to work it out, given that we can make the proper adjustments and changes... I know, , i'm sure many of you are probably like, , why bother, just bag it, or dude, your horrible, you should just slit your wrists and end it now... trust me I feel that way sometimes... Actually, , things had been going alright after the first affair three months ago, , it wasn't until I got to that angry stage... I basically turned into this demon... calling her a f'in whore and stuff alot, and just not giving her anything, , any reason to stay or not to go back to the other person.... I can see why she did what she did, or why she made the decisions she did.... I think some part of her just wanted this marriage to be over... The other guy is married and has his own family, and my wife says that she doesn't love him... and I beleive her (ignorantly?)... He made her feel good... things that I had failed to do... he basically commented on her phsyical appearance up and down, , listened to her unjudgmentally and basically, , she didn't have any fear of him or how he would react to what she said, or didn't say.... I don't even know why my wife wants to work things out... anyway, , were going to see how things go over the next month or so.... She is going to be switching jobs... so, NC won't be an issue... I will be this friday contacting the other guy's wife to let her know what he's been doing... she is unaware and I feel she should know, and have strong feelings that this will put a nail in the coffin for sure, , my wife agrees on this... currently we are sleeping in seperate beds in the house until we decide where we want to go from here... I will be calling a counseler today to set up an appt. asap.... and we will be trying to get personal therapy through insurance... I have read quite a bit off of this website in the last few months... and feel that alot of the info and posts are very good information and pretty genuine... So I am kinda hoping maybe to get some suggestions or opinions or viewpoints from those with expirience... plus I know it's always different from someone who is not connected to the situation.... Any opinions or viewpoints or suggestions would be very much appreciated... If anyone thinks that I should throw the towel in... let me know why you think that.... Thank you guys... (and gal's )
whichwayisup Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 It's good your wife is leaving that job, the more distance between them HAS to happen, otherwise the A will just continue on in some form or another.. Definately involve the OM's wife, she needs to know the truth. I am betting their marriage isn't half as bad as the OM has painted it to be..Those in affairs tend to bend the truth to make them look like the good guy and the victim. Marriage counselling together and apart will help you both - take it one day at a time. If you and your wife want this marriage to be better and healthy, each of you MUST put in 100% and want it to work..
2sure Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I have to admit...your past behavior was abusive and awful. I also have to admit that it seems you have had some kind of sincere revelation. Its clear you have identified the problems in your marriage that resulted in the affair. And it seems that both you and your wife are willing to do what you need to do to repair the damage. My concern is this. I know its stereotyping...but you sound intelligent, self aware, and articulate as far as communication....yet your past behavior sounds like the actions of someone who is insecure, has no communication skills and possibly ignorant. Its just such a conflict. My reaction to your first post on this thread was that you were one of those people that was going to sweep/ignore/deny instead of facing the pain and the problem. But with your next post I see that you are willing to go thru some of the necessary steps to stop the affair behavior (giving you a window of opprtunity to work on the M). So, thats action and thats good! You mention that you have been manipulative, to the point of maybe having a disorder. Is your wife currently feeling threatened or bullied? Being aware of your own behavior is only good if your actions change. How are you doing with this?
stampdaddy Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 If I were you, I would print out what you just posted, and give it to her to read.. Let her take her time and space to read it.. Give her a few days to think about it all and then go somewhere and sit and talk. Find some place like a park (I know it is cold out, but dont know where you are), just some place where you won't be distracted and feelings and emotions would be free to roam. Let it ALL out. Let her let it ALL out, good and bad.. Try to find a common ground and maybe a starting point (whichever direction you two start to go in). To me, you have one shot, and this is it. BE A HUSBAND AND A WIFE for a couple of hours, you both owe to each other and to your selves, and to the marriage. That's my 2 cents, so that'll be $120 please...
Geishawhelk Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 There are times when being right stinks. I truly and sincerely wish you both all the very best, Great advice from Stampdaddy and 2sure. Follow through. Be good to one another.
Author OfftheCuff Posted January 24, 2009 Author Posted January 24, 2009 The saga continues.... Alright, , So I have been spending alot of time with my wife, and have been really doing my best to be what I think I should be as a husband, but also what she needs... Listening to her unjudgmentally, not reacting to things she tells me, and being loving and kind, , the things a husband should be.... So the more I am this way, the more that she feels she can open up to me... the more trusting she is of me and less afraid... Since I found out about the affair continuing just a few days ago, , she has still been acting just a little weird or distant. So last night we were talking, , I was talking about how I can try my best to trust her and if we are going to work on our marriage, that we have be open about everything, , radical honesty kinda thing... and so the conversation comes to a junction where I ask her if she has been completely honest about everything, because if there is anything else, just tell me now so we can move forward from here, , otherwise it's just going to cause more distrust and more hurt if I have to find out something else in a few days.... I can't do that... I wasn't really thinking that there was anything else, and I wasn't backing her into any corner, I was just saying how I felt and that we need to be trustworthy and so on... So then she says, , Okay, , well there is something else, but I am not comfortable talking about it right now... I take a moment and I say, , okay, that is fine... Never before would I have reacted this way, because I have always needed to know things right away and I've also been the one to want to always solve our problems right away, where as my wife needs time to think after a fight, , which always makes things worse, , me bombarding her and what not... So I say, okay, that is fine, , and I just put it away, , it's kinda in the back of my mind and bothering me a little, but I just ignore it, , to keep the peace, which is most important... So we go on talking about things and I told her I wanted to show her something and opened up my post here and had her read the my last post (as per stampdaddy's recommendation). I figured she'd enjoy my post, mostly because of the honesty of it and wanting to work things out, , which she did... as well as she also appreciated some of the reply's, , the constructive and positive support. So we continue to talk for a little bit and things have been going well, , and so I ask, do you feel comfortable telling me now. So here is what she says. There was another guy that she slept with... another co-worker(married) that showed her interest and hit on her... she said that she had lunch with him twice at work, , and that he invited her over to his house before work one day, and that he showed her around and then started hitting on her and trying to get her to take off her clothes... she says he had told her before coming over that he wouldn't try anything, that him and his wife have an open relationship, but they have rules, and no bringing anyone home... she says that he was consistent and forcefull (not physically) and she says she felt backed into a corner and so basically they had sex and she left right afterwards and went to work... so this whole time she is telling me this, she is crying and feeling totally worthless.... and at this point I am just supporting her and holding her, , figuring that I will deal with my emotions later, , I dont know if this is totally crazy, , I think most would have just kicked her out right then... but the part of me that loves my wife and cares for her as a friend kicked in, and so I felt like being there for her at that moment... She really hit a low point... was crying for awhile and said that she basically wants to die, she just doesn't have the stones to do it... she feels so bad about what she did, mostly in relation to me, but also just her self value and what not, and why does she do these things... so this basically goes on for like a half an hour or so before she kinda starts to come out of it.... we sit and keep talking, , she says she feel so worthless and like a whore and all this and that.... So, now.... I am kind of at a cross roads.... I dont really know what I want to do here, , before she had told me that, I was feeling pretty resolved to try and work things out and see where they went, , but now It's like.... I dunno... cause part of me is like.... okay, , Do I really want to stay with her?? but then part of me is like, , this person is so broken, , and I really, really feel that this is all my fault... I mean if you tell a person over and over again that they are worthless and a whore... and a POS.... at some point, , they start to believe it... I don’t know.... There is still a part of me that says, , okay, lets pick up the pieces and give this one more shot, , continue to treat my wife how a wife should be treated... and get her some professional help, , because she really needs it... I know that it's ultimately my decision if I stay or go, , but what should I look for as to whether to stay or go, , or... I don't know, , I just don't even know really at this point... Honestly the first time she had the affair three months back, , I was a wreck, , I didn't understand anything, , I didn't see that I had any part in why she did what she did, , until I started doing alot of research on affairs and on myself... and I realized that I had played a huge part in this, , that my wife really probably would have never done this if I was a decent human being... I feel so worthless sometimes....... I do still feel that everything in a large way is my fault, , obviously not completely, she made her own decisions, , but I basically destroyed her esteem and worth, and someone else came along, someone who didn't judge her but complimented her relentlessly..... of course getting involved with that guy, made it even worse, and made her feel even more so, the things that I had said to her or called her over the years before.... and then over the next few months, I was basically the devil, drinking, and always degrading her and hating her for what she did, , I basically pushed her back into the arms of the other guy, , more or less.... I asked my wife again afterwards, , and she said that that was everything, completely. And I do believe her, , I can tell or have a feeling when there is something going on, , or if she is not being totally honest, , but I can also tell when she is being honest, , and I know that basically everything she has told me is it and all there is... So, , I just don't know where I stand on all of this.... I still want to give this another chance... but I have to ask myself even, , Can I be a decent person in this relationship, , can I treat her right? I guess that's why I want to give this a few months of us working on our marriage, and being committed and getting help before either of us make any decisions... She feels the same way, , she doesn't want to jump into any commitments, because she wants me to make the changes for myself, not for her, because then they wont stick... and she says that she needs to basically fix herself, , to get help, to figure out why she did those awful things. She feels that she can't fully commit to this relationship, because if she doesn't get help, doesn't fix the things that are broken inside her, , that she doesn't know if this could just happen again, she doesn't really trust herself, , and she can't do this again... she can't do that to me again... Anyway...................................... I wonder if anyone is even going to read this 5 page post?? man... sorry for such the long rant... Thank you all so very much for listening... PS. BTW... She was faithful to me for two months after the first time.... she told me literally 3 days after the first physical affair what was going on. She says the thing that really pushed her over the edge, was, two months later (just before she got re-involved) one night we were going to blockbuster to get a few movies, , and we had the children in the car. I had been drinking and was in a very poor mood. We got into some kind of dispute, and I basically opened up on her right in front of the children, calling her an F'in whore.... She says that in the eight years of us being married, she never left me, because she figured that if she left, I’d hate her, and then I would talk bad and derogatory about her around or even to the children, , which I had not done previously. She says, when that incident happened on the way to blockbuster, she felt that it didn't matter if she left or stayed, , that I was just going to talk bad to or about her and disrespect her either way... and that is the first time since the affair that she felt like this marriage was over and that she had to leave.... she basically gave up.... it's interesting that she had the affair with that guy again like literally 3 or 4 days later. Of course it was only right after all this happened, that I started to turn a new leaf, , to change my tune and see things differently… oblivious of course to what was once again now ensuing in the shadows… Honestly, , I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me... I feel confident that I can treat her right and do right by her... but maybe I am the problem, maybe I should just break this off for her sake, , maybe I should just let her go... I just don't know.... I guess……., , I guess, I just don't feel ready to throw the towel in... I feel that I never really gave this marriage my best... that I was young and stupid and an idiot and a jerk... that to do right by my family is to give it one more shot..………. to make things right... Anyone?
Author OfftheCuff Posted January 24, 2009 Author Posted January 24, 2009 My concern is this. I know its stereotyping...but you sound intelligent, self aware, and articulate as far as communication....yet your past behavior sounds like the actions of someone who is insecure, has no communication skills and possibly ignorant. Its just such a conflict. Yes, , you are correct. I do consider myself to be all or part of those things... I really feel stupid and idiotice though sometimes.... I really was never given the tools on how to treat a women or be in a relationship. I have always talked to my wife the way that I would talk to one of my brothers.... I just never got it... anytime my wife has ever cried or I knew that she was hurting inside, , I always tended to her, , I couldn't help myself, , but so much of the pain, she was able to keep inside, , and I obviously want that analytical or aware, , because I never picked up on even the small signs... I hate myself for that, , you have no idea... You mention that you have been manipulative, to the point of maybe having a disorder. Is your wife currently feeling threatened or bullied? Being aware of your own behavior is only good if your actions change. How are you doing with this? She isn't currently feeling threatened or bullied as far as staying in the relationship goes, , we've been pretty open and honest, , well as of last night... but, she does feel threatened or bullied by me, , she says that she is afraid of me.... how I will react to things. Anything I can do to help that or help her, I want to and will do, , I don't want her to be afraid of me... like how much would you want to be in a relationship with someone that you feared, , feared their reactions.... the quickest way I can solve that, aside from not blowing up, reacting negatively and being calm... I will do whatever I can as quickly as I can.... That is not okay. I agree whole heartedly that it's only good if i'm aware of my bad behaviors, or unpleasent behaviors, if my actions change. I have really been doing well with this... This really right now is the most important thing to me... If I can't control my emotions and the way I act and the things I do, , then I am worthless as a person... I feel this way in general, , not only with just my wife, , although she is the one that get/see's the brunt of it. I am taking medication for depression as of now, and I have an appt. with my therapist in less than a week... I really want to be a good person... I don't want to hurt anybody or have people be afraid of me by my behavoir... that is unacceptable. Thank you 2Sure!
Bryanp Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 This is very difficult for you to find out this happened with yet another man. If you decide that you wish to save the marriage then it is absolutely essential that the both of you be tested for STDs. She has been having unprotected sex with two different men and putting your health at risk. These are the consequences of affairs.
Geishawhelk Posted January 24, 2009 Posted January 24, 2009 Ok. You both have to decide, together whether you both really want to try to reconstruct this marriage. This has to be a joint decision, a joint effort snd a joint commitment. While I understand that you are making every attempt to be understanding, accommodating and communicative, you cannot take ALL responsibility for her thoughts decisions and actions. She really has to step up to the plate and decide what exactly she wants to do. This is going to have to be open, honest, up-front and sincere. Trust needs to be re-establisihed. You have to show her you can be trusted to treat her better. She has to show she can be trusted to be faithful. But you both need counselling.
Author OfftheCuff Posted January 25, 2009 Author Posted January 25, 2009 Ok. You both have to decide, together whether you both really want to try to reconstruct this marriage. This has to be a joint decision, a joint effort snd a joint commitment. I agree. I am ready to fully commit to this relationship, , I have been for a few weeks now. Going back three months When she told me about the first affair, I was pretty cool during the first few weeks. She had had surgery on her wrist like a day or two before she had told me, so she was home from work during those two weeks. It was only until she went back to work did I start getting angry and drinking and becoming destructive, , however during all of this, , I really had not made any of the connections to the way's I was contributing to the downfall of this marriage, , with my negative personality traits and what not... I only started to make changes with my personality and my problems after she had already re-engaged in the affair the second time. From all the research that I've done and understanding of my part in all of this... it has made a large difference as to how I feel about what she has done... Like I have said before, I do feel largely responsible in pushing her away. However, , here is the issue. She thinks that basically all of the things that I am doing are just a repeat of last time and that she is afraid that I will just turn destructive again after a few weeks, so she has a hard time trusting my intentions right now, , which I do understand. She said that she doesn't want to make any promises about our future. I don't know if I have problems or what not, , but personally that makes me feel a little empty inside and a little fearful, , fearful that she doesn't really want to commit to this relationship, , or that maybe she already feels that it is over, , so she plans on just letting me go slowly, , or that she doesn’t know how to leave and is hoping that I will take the first step... not sure really, she kinda goes back and forth. I think my biggest issue right now is when she goes to work, , it does bother me. However I have been kind of keeping my thoughts and emotions in, , just riding it out, instead of calling her at work and bothering her and sounding needy. Here is the main problem that I hate it when she goes to work. She works 12 hour shifts (only two days a week). But she doesn't get home until 430am and that guy is still working there.... Is this a pretty big issue? I mean, she is looking for a new job, and she even says that she wants to get out of there quickly. One thing that does make a difference is on Friday night I did go in there and talk to the guy for the first time. I printed out his Wife's name and address and home phone on a little card. I basically told him that to stay away from my wife, , to not talk to her or even look at her, or I will tell his wife and that I had proof. I figured this was more beneficial than actually telling his wife, because the threat I think is held more over his head, , mostly because he has two children, 10 and 13, and if his wife found out, she would make a huge scene and he feels that his 13 year old daughter would Hate him, , and I guess he loves his children, , so he is kinda terrified of that... Is this enough to keep them apart? For the next month until she can change jobs? He knows that if they do anything, that she will tell me, , as she has, so I have a strong feeling he is very done with her. Mostly, I am just afraid of my wife's lack of commitment, , and not wanting to make any promises... What can I do to cope with this, or win my wife over aside from just continuing doing what I am doing and working on meeting her emotional needs? Any help or suggestions would be appreciated. She really has to step up to the plate and decide what exactly she wants to do. This is going to have to be open, honest, up-front and sincere. Trust needs to be re-establisihed. You have to show her you can be trusted to treat her better. She has to show she can be trusted to be faithful. Is there any timeline I should look for as to when she should really step up to the plate and decide what exactly she does want to do? I have talked to her about being open and honest, and I have been, and I feel she has been, , the only time I question her honestly and openness is when she's at work or when she seems indecisive about the relationship…. I don’t know, , maybe she just wants out… Maybe I should just let her go… I’m so confused about things, , I’m ready to commit, , but her indecision makes it so difficult. I wish this was all easier.. Thank you all for your comments!
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