BackonTrack2 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Status Update 1 year later. long story short, ex and I were together for about 8 months exclusively. When I met the ex, she had a boyfriend, it didn't matter, we started having sex, she would cry allot and say she's a whore but eventually this phizzled out and things were good. After about 8 months, I started to have dreams the ex was going to get in the car with another man, I ignored this. After the 8th month, things were never really the same, the following 6 months, I was in and out of the state, gone for about 3 of those 6 months, hadn't noticed but the ex and I stop having sex, In that time, I had sex with her maybe 3 times. Turns out the ex was cheating on me. I guess this explains her weird behavior. Anyway, things came to light back in Feb of 08, the breakup lasted about a month. In this time, I pretty much cussed her the **** out and tried to leave her but I couldn't loved her to much. I think she took this as a sign as weakness and began pushing the enevlope, grew cocky and before things came to light, she was treating me like semi-****, when things came to light, she didn't hold back, I was now a 100% doormat. I was semi-girly man.. Whatever, anyway, I just said "**** it", Xed her. I was good, everything was great, the whore was gone, life was good yada yada... I wasn't broken. About 1 week later, I realized that, this was it, I'll never see her again so I tried to get it back, but it was to hard, she just cursed me out and broke me. The next couple of months, I was in a DAZE, having sex with various women, waiting for her to come back, comparing current women to the ex, the whole nine yards... I was still in love. It was bad.... Panic Attacks, fainting, intense flash backs, crying, collapsing on the floor, yada yada yada..... I tried to force a couple relationship but I wasn't myself, ended up just messing those up, Eventually, I just stood to myself. This lasted about 8-9 months. I honestly thought she was coming back.... Was waiting for her, but she never did, its been almost a year. Really its been almost 2 years since she "left" so to speak. Anyway during the NC, going on for about 10 months now, I contacted her twice, first time I went mad, drove by her house (felt like a stalker) won't do that again.... then emailed her saying sorry, she ignored it. Anyway somehow someone from the family contacts her (why) I don't know... Eitherway she blamed me for everything said it was all my fault, typical girl thing... yada yada.... Said she's happy in love and in a serious relationship (wow, given the ****, i was still having sex with her while she was in a serious relationship) What did she say "I only had sex with you twice since I deceided to be with X" and me foolishly was thinking to myself "Huh, when did you deciede to be with X??" LOL, anyway The second time, I realized I was forgetting her, actually, I realized the love was going away. Its now 90% gone. I must still feel something since I'm posting right??? Whatever, thats life, ahh... Yeah so, 10 Months NC, no word from her, got rid of everything assiocated with her, no pictures, no nothing, just images in my head that are now fadding. Took a while, but I'm in a better place..... Anyway, thats the gist of my breakup, was really bad, I stop working, lost lots of money, went in debt but I'm climbing out of it now.... No word from her, doesn't matter really, I don't think I would allow myself to get back into a relationship with her but I doubt thats going to happen, I don't think she thinks about me or remembers what we had, I guess it wasn't to important to just leave, just like that....... plus it didn't matter for her, she already had someone else..... What I've come to realize now is, that girl was not a good girl, she was using me, pretending to be with me while she was sucking another cock, and kissing me (wow). I feel sorry for that new dude, he's going to end up so hurt..... Then again, he deserves what's coming to him, given the fact that they both worked in conjuction to get rid of me, I don't know, but somehow I became the enemy. She hated me. Thats sad, I had nothing but love for her, I must of did something to her.... I don't know what it was..... Anyway, I doubt she remembers, I still think of her, less and less, its going away.... Another few months, maybe 6 months, she'll be gone completely from memory. Thats good, I don't want to remember her....... It just a bad feeling now.... Like something negative, a bad experience.... Sad too, I loved being around her, touching her, kissing her, holding her, sleeping next to her, her body was so warm, so soft, she tasted so good. Now, I'm just turned off, to much bad blood.... to much negative energy.... I was told that if you think about a relationship, and there are bad feelings STILL, that means, at ONE point in time, things were GOOD. Now that I think about it, my ex was ahead of me emmotionally, she was here where I am, months ago, I'm just now catching up and realizing as well as understanding the things she was saying. It makes sense now, at the time though, I didn't understand. Things like "I loved you" HUH???? "I was over at XX and he was sooo UPSET, I was still coming over here" HUh?? why would he be upset "Your going to bring girls over to your new place, and I'm going to be working and your going to go in the other room and ignore me and I'll be sad." HUH???? What the hell you talking about "I know what I am doing is wrong, but I can't help myself" What???? HUh????? "I feel like a whore, if I didn't need the money to buy these small things, i wouldn't come over here, cries (after sex)" HUH??? what the hell you talking about? "Men are so stupid, they never know what they have until its gone, its to late!, its to late, its to late!!!!" She's angry.... "We can't have sex, I want to get closer to god" Sure baby, I'll pray with you...... "What you going to do?? Rape me???" HUH??? (no, I'll just never call you again) "Are you going to hit me?"" HUH??? Why would I hit you (cuz you was cheating on me for 8 months) whore. Anyway, thats just some things, I remember off the top of my head about this female, lots more stuff, lots more detail, but it isn't worth going into. In the end, I waited a few months for her to come back, almost a year, she never did. Saddens me still, I guess she never loved me after all..... I guess I was a transational guy or something.... Strange though, I thought we had something, I thought I was going to marry her, I thought she would never leave me... Wrong on all accounts....... Thats LIFE.... But I'm better now, I'm not over it yet completely, but I'm getting there. I did it the right way, I didn't relationship HOP, I didn't use anyone as a rebound, I didn't hurt anyone, I just took all the pain within me, I took away all her guilt, I did that for her, she didn't have to suffer. I made her think, everything she was thinking was right, gave her 200% reason to never look back. U know, that makes me happy within myself, because she never has to think about this relationship every again, it was all my fault, I was the bad guy, she was right about everything, she has no reason(s) to look back, I reinforced everything she was thinking... even though most of it was not true.... but cool, she got her closure, she's in a new relationship, she's happy and in love and thats good for her, I fast-tracked her move on process... she was trying to leave me for MONTHS, but never did, never did.... I had to make her leave by acting crazy and cussing her out or maybe she just needed an excuse to justify it to herself. (i think thats it) I don't know what it was that I had, or we had, or anything.... So long ago, sort of like it was a preview to the real thing..... Man, if that was a preview, I can't wait until I'm married......Its going to be soo SWEET... My wife is going to love me...... Literally and figureatively speaking...... So now as it stands, I'm walking alone again, she's I don't know what she's doing... Living Life I suppose, not my problem anymore, but me, I'm better, I'm getting there, Its only a matter of time before I find that someone.... I don't even wonder about her anymore, its like that chapter is closed, its like "Ok, I had a girl, it was fun, we broke up, I was messed up for a long time, but now I'm better and I'm on the road again" that simple...... Speed BUMB, all she did was cause me money and time really..... Grew stronger emmotionally because of this, feel like I can pretty much take on the world now.... That didn't break me, nothing can..... It just severly hurt me, but I recovered and I did it the right way..... Thats my story.... I don't even wonder whats her's, I don't even care, what she did though, was one of those things that there is no coming back from, I suppose what I did, was one of those things, that there is no coming back from as well... In hindsight, I'm glad I went mad...... It forced her to never contact me again, she probably think's I'm crazy or something.... Gave me enough time to recover....... Thats it folks... Thats it.... No happy ending, on the upside, OBAMA is PRESIDENT~~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~~ I'm in DC and it was GREAT!!, so many people, so much energy...... OBAMA!~!~!~!~!~!~!~ I wonder where life is going to take me NEXT.
kizik Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Your post is very long. I would like to read your progress update and give comments, but only if you shorten this.
alwayssme Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 "Thats LIFE.... But I'm better now, I'm not over it yet completely, but I'm getting there. I did it the right way, I didn't relationship HOP, I didn't use anyone as a rebound, I didn't hurt anyone, I just took all the pain within me, " i feel like that too...i read your whole thread...lol...glad to hear you're doing better...one thing i think though...our exes DO remember us....and they'll never forget us....im sure alot of things they will forget and so will we....because were no longer going to be with each other....some special moments will stand out in our thoughts (ours more than theirs i suppose)....alot of the things we did/said will be forgotten...i bet if i ask my ex "hey remember that time u told me u wanted to live one day less than me so u wouldnt have to live without me?" i bet he doesnt remember that and he would be like "wow i said that???" and im sure there are things i might have done/said that i no longer remember....actually sometimes some random memory or thing he said will pop up in my head out of nowhere (or something will remind me of it) and its like "wow...i havent remembered this in MONTHS" memories do fade away...but the fact that u once were with that person never does...i'll never forget my ex and how much i loved him...i'll never forget the pain he made me feel either...and i will remember alot of special moments between us....but im sure as life goes on and i move on, i will forget alot of things we did because thats life...im sure he already has forgotten soo many because he wanted to (no idea why..that hurt me to hear but whatever, God knows what went on through his mind all this time.) However there are certain memories that are too special on both sides to ever forget...good & bad memories....i hope my ex remembers the good (i KNOW he remembers the bad, he made that clear to me)...but hopefully he remembers the good as well....however what they think of us or dont think of us...is completely out of our hands...but they wont forget us...if they do, thent hat would be weird and rare.....and it says alot about their personality...i would feel bad for them because human beings do not forget someone who they once loved (or really liked & cared for) and they dont forget someone they shared sooo much with....even when those feelings are gone, the memory of that person will always be there....even if simply" i once loved them and shared soemthign special with that person"....
alwayssme Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 damn...after reading what i wrote...it kind of sucks to think that sooo many things we did and told to each other will be forgotten....we had so many good memories...sometimes i remember special moments that me and him both cried over soo much the day he broke up with me...and i wonder "does he still remember that ONE MOMENT for example...when we were at the beach or when we would wake up next to each other and he would tell me "you're sooo beautiful and those eyes that were so filled with love" etc etc...) last time i asked him he said he tried his hardest to not think about them happy moments (ouchhh that hurt) but whatever....it just makes me sad to know that its all gone....all that love we promised each other....its gone on his side and im forced to let go as well.....it makes me sad that so many memories will fade =(
Author BackonTrack2 Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 Your post is very long. I would like to read your progress update and give comments, but only if you shorten this. Well, I don't really have an update per say, I was just saying that before I was really messed up in the head and now I'm not. Time did its thing, I'm better now, I don't constantly think about her, or cry at night or anything, now its to the point where sometimes when I'm in a dinner or eating food or just walking around, I just think to myself "Damn, she left" I don't have to remind myself she's not here anymore, I know that... Thats about it really, no more fainting, or panic attacks, or hours upon hours thinking of her to the point where my head started to hurt or waking up every morning with her on my mind, oh my god, I woke up today and I didn't even think of her, now that I think about it.... Thats about it... It took about a year, well, really about 6 months before it got better, I had help though, from female friends, formed a mental connection with one of them, that caused me to STOP waking up thinking about her and its like the more personal I get with other people on a mental level, the more I forget, the more I go out and experience the world, the more I am reminded, that she's not here... Its still strange though, like right now, I'm in a hotel room, in DC, thinking to myself, damn I could of been with her, she could of been here, we could of been starting a life, I guess I'm lonely more than anything, but its OK, I will find someone soon..... But, to sum it up, I'm way better, its like I'm back to myself BEFORE everything happen...... Thats all... Just needed time and to talk with other females and go out and live life and it went away, took a long time, I feel like, I just wasted 2008. I didn't do anything that year, I just sat home, waiting for her to come back but she never did, for a whole year....... That was stupid of me, but I learned allot, it wasn't worth it though, i just wasted time with her, time I could of spent with someone else, and I had lots of options, but I didn't do that to her...... She did it to me though...... I guess thats the type of person she IS, but its not about her, its about me and I don't want to go through that again and if I do, atleast I can handle it better now...... In the end though, I wasn't suprised, I knew it was coming, I thought atleast she would tell me directly but she didn't respect me enough to do that, she took the corwards way out but thats how she was.... Crazy though, didn't know I would take it as bad as I did... I don't even know how I became so messed up...... Something was wrong with my brain.......
Author BackonTrack2 Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 damn...after reading what i wrote...it kind of sucks to think that sooo many things we did and told to each other will be forgotten....we had so many good memories...sometimes i remember special moments that me and him both cried over soo much the day he broke up with me...and i wonder "does he still remember that ONE MOMENT for example...when we were at the beach or when we would wake up next to each other and he would tell me "you're sooo beautiful and those eyes that were so filled with love" etc etc...) last time i asked him he said he tried his hardest to not think about them happy moments (ouchhh that hurt) but whatever....it just makes me sad to know that its all gone....all that love we promised each other....its gone on his side and im forced to let go as well.....it makes me sad that so many memories will fade =( Hey don't worry about it.. Its LIFE, it will pass, it always passes... You will build up new experiences, before you know it, you'll be in a new relationship, moving forward, not even thinking about your ex (the pass) because its the pass, like can you imagine thinking what you were doing in 2nd grade?? One of those things.... As far as memories goes, "Memories don't live like people do, they always member you, weather things are good or bad, memories is all we have" As far as the EX's, fawk em, they choose to throw you away so fawk em, their lost, but you seem sad though, don't worry sweety, in time you won't remember... All u need is time...
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