not_a_happy_camper Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 firstly I'd like to thank everyone for all their time, help and advice the last few weeks. I'm feeling way better now than I did when I first arrived here.............I finally feel like I'm making headway in moving on. I know my ex won't come back. And I'd like to think that if he came back, I'd say no.....................I'm not at that stage yet, but I'm slowly becoming more certain! I know I deserve better! But the point is, I'm getting there, and a lot of that is because of everyone on this site.....................cheers! secondly..................it's nearly time for me to go! I'm at that stage where I no longer want to wallow in it................it's been over two months. And I've sent out CV's.............so hoping this is the start of a new and amazing chapter in my life....................I seriously doubt it can become any more miserable! I find now that the longer I stay here.............and I've seen other people say the same, the more I tend to focus on the break-up, which for me isn't healthy any more, I need to stop. I'm scared.............out of a bizarre sense of loyalty to my ex I guess. False loyalty at this stage! and I know that. I haven't run into any of his family since we broke up. even though I live in a small town, and his family is big! I'm worried about that for some reason. Because I don't know what he's told them about everything that happened. little I'm guessing......................and I know I shouldn't worry, but it's going to be hard because I cared about them so much. I just hope they don't mention anything when it happens. I said I'm feeling way better than I was when I got here.................I have to admit I was angrier and more motivated at that stage! I feel though I've improved immensely, that I've also come to a standstill..................................When I was angry, I was more determined not to let it show to people. Now I'm mellow...............I don't know what I'm quite getting at here......................I still cry a lot, in public though, at the mere mention of his name, which I'm becoming really embarrassed about. and I'm literally unable to control it. I don't know where it comes from, and hence the fear of bumping into his family..............I'm sure I'm highly strung at the moment, what with waiting on responses about work, interviews, moving city, etc. It really has to stop though...................so if anyone has tips for this, please? would be greatly appreciated! and here's my thoughts on everything at the moment......................I'm obviously trying to move on. From so much of what I've seen here, and in my own experience, there is so much resentment against those who dumped us..................and rightly so! I don't believe my ex is a bad person. I think he wanted out of the relationship a lot longer than I realised, and hadn't the backbone to do anything about it. I still believe he cared, but he was a coward. But I can't hate him. Everyone acts the way the do for their own reasons. I forgive him. Although I can't forget what happened. And I can't forget how special it all was before turning sour. For that reason....................I want to be able to move on, without diminishing this. He was only meant to be with me for a little bit of my journey. He taught me so much about me, and life in general. and I appreciate that. But I also realise that I can't just paint him this way....................because of the pain he caused me. So I'm conflicted. is this another one of those "time will heal" things? I hope this makes sense! PS. saying this is my last thread....................for now! and hopefully it'll be a long time before I feel the need to comeback. here's hoping said ex doesn't break NC or I'll go through him for a short cut!
Angel1111 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 There does come a point where focusing on it all the time is unhealthy. You probably know when that time comes. Two months isn't really that long to get past something like that. Healing can take a long time, unfortunately. I'm sorry you're going through this.
kizik Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I stopped coming to LS for a while when I felt it was only reminding me of pain. Once most of that pain dissipated through the natural progression of time, I came back with the agenda to help people through what I have learned. Perhaps that's what you need too, NAHC.
Goatsbreath Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 yeah, hopefully you come back a happy camper.......but I know what you mean, it can be non productive to just keep analyzing but it serves its purpose for a while. Good luck happy camper
mm4184 Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I don't believe my ex is a bad person. I think he wanted out of the relationship a lot longer than I realised, and hadn't the backbone to do anything about it. I still believe he cared, but he was a coward. But I can't hate him. Everyone acts the way the do for their own reasons. I forgive him. Although I can't forget what happened. And I can't forget how special it all was before turning sour. For that reason....................I want to be able to move on, without diminishing this. He was only meant to be with me for a little bit of my journey. He taught me so much about me, and life in general. and I appreciate that. But I also realise that I can't just paint him this way....................because of the pain he caused me. So I'm conflicted. is this another one of those "time will heal" things? I hope this makes sense! This is how I feel. I don't believe he is a bad person, BUT he could have done things differently as well. There are things that weren't right that he did, but he never hurt me on purpose, never cheated on me, etc. I WANT to hate him, but like you, I just can't. He caused and is STILL causing me so much pain, but really, it's me that's doing this right? I'm sorry you are going through this, but I am glad you're getting better. It's been 4 months for me and although I know I am not that mess laying in bed all day crying anymore, I also feel like I'm at a standstill. I'm stuck. Don't know what to do anymore. All I do is keep myself as busy as I can, but I'm not being very productive. I want to also know if the whole "time will heal" thing is really going to happen because sometimes I feel like this is so long already! And then I read people who are still hurting after over a year! I'm so scared to feel like this for that long! Hopefully one day, we'll wake up... and everything will be okay. No more pain, no more longing, no more crying, no more feelings at all towards the exes. But who am I kidding!?
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 we'll get there mm4184.................I believe that. I already know that I wake up in the morning now, without the false hope that he'll call or text. oddly the bit of texting last week got it out of my system, as hard as it was. I brokedown, but it was for the greater good! I still find it hard getting up in the mornings, but that's because it's so long since I've had a permanent job. He's still the first person I think of when I wake up..................but it's not always straight away..............and I"m so used to thinking about him that if I don't.......................I'm like, whoa?! and then I start..............can't wait for a job to distract me from that! I know time will heal.........................but the way I want to? I don't know..................like I said, I want to do so without hating him or diminishing what we had.....................but how do I move on and do that at the same time? How do mm4184 and I get beyond our standstill?!
nature Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Camper...I thought you left the board? Well it's nice to see you back! I honestly think NC and time are the only things that heal. And keeping busy. Focusing on getting a job, like you say. focus on hobbies. And it's good to talk about it and get your feelings out. I think commiserating with others who've been thru the same, helps the process....and does not hinder it. Also helping others in the same position, can help you to see your own clearer.
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 I know that, and I will come back at some point to help, still posting at the moment a bit. but what I'm finding now ist that reading through a lot of the threads actually brings out pain when I relate to the particular situation...................and it's pain I don't want to feel anymore..................there are a lot of triggers! not just here...................the song "american boy".....everytime I hear it, I'm dancing with him. I heard it the other day and I brokedown. so I brought it up on youtube, determined not to cry....................listened to it 5 times while thinking of other things........................went out, heard the song and didn't cry! I have a funny way of coping! For now I think I need to leave here for a bit though. Nature thanks for all the help, I really appreciate it. Hopefully I'll come back here as a happy camper like goatsbreath said!
IcemanJB Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 happy camper, I'm close to your situation as well. I'm starting to feel that dwelling on her needs to stop. I've only broken down twice in the past month, so I guess that's progress . What does it to me are songs...I still can't listen to "Float On" by modest mouse all the way through...which sucks because I loved that song even before I started dating her. Anyways, like you I hope to come back to LS when I'm ready, and help others. I really should not come on here and dwell about it much more though... Good luck with the job search, and keep busy!
Knight_Ctrl Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 It was good having you here camper. Keep on moving along in life and stay strong. We'll always be here for when you need us. Take care.
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 happy camper, I'm close to your situation as well. I'm starting to feel that dwelling on her needs to stop. I've only broken down twice in the past month, so I guess that's progress . What does it to me are songs...I still can't listen to "Float On" by modest mouse all the way through...which sucks because I loved that song even before I started dating her. Anyways, like you I hope to come back to LS when I'm ready, and help others. I really should not come on here and dwell about it much more though... Good luck with the job search, and keep busy! I still weep a little everyday ice. until I remember I don't have to. the hurts still there. and I wish it would go away, but I'm getting better. and looking forward to brighter days ahead! hope all is good for you too!
Author not_a_happy_camper Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 I'll probably still linger here for a few days rather than quit cold turkey! just wanted to say a big thanks to you all, wish everyone the best!
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