crushed1 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 I am completely heartbroken and don't know what to do. I've been dating a wonderful guy for about 1.5 years. It's been the best relationship I've ever been in. He's nice, sincere, loving, genuine....you name it. Well, I found out something extremely disturbing last night. Being like most curious females, I decided to look at his phone after he went to sleep. I don't know why or what possessed me. I have never had a single reason to doubt him or to not trust him. Well, what I saw had my heart beating a million times a minute. Here I see pics of his "member" in an "excited" state along with a few pics of him posing in front of a mirror from his neck to his waist. All these pics were taken in my house and he sent them to his email account. I'm fuming at this point and scared of what I will find. He is at my place most of the time, but right now we have pretty opposite schedules because of our jobs. Well, I got onto his email and he has it set to automatically fill in his name and password. Scared and what I would find, but knowing I needed the truth, I logged on. What I find is a subscription to an adult dating/sex site. In an email it had his username and password for his account, so I went to check it out. What I found was his profile with all the above pictures I found and his info page and what he was looking for. Now, he did mention he was in a relationship and didn't want to jeapordize it and wanted someone "discreet" to have fun with. He had just opened this account the day before and there was no mail that he had sent to anyone. I was furious, hurt, scared, disappointed, pretty much every horrible feeling. I took the phone with one of the pics open and woke him to ask him about it. Of course, he said it was nothing, he was goofing around and I had nothing to worry about. I waited until this morning to confront him about the website. I told him I knew the truth and that if he cared about this relationship then I needed him to come clean. Well, he did. He told me about the website, but saying it was just for the porn and that he wasn't planning on meeting with anyone and how he hadn't sent any messages. I can't help but feel betrayed. Knowing he had pictures of himself in such a state for others to see. I could care less if he gets online to look at porn, but this is too real for me. I explained all this and how I felt there was intent there. He was extremely upset with himself and promised he would never do anything like it again. Of course, the trust is completely gone right now. I've never had to deal with anything like this before. I'm torn and don't know what to do. For now, I told him I needed space to figure this out and that I can't make any promises. I'm so completely torn and wondering if anyone has been through something similar that they could help me out with.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Honestly crushed, if he mentioned having a girlfriend and wanting "discreet fun" then he wasn't just playing around. Period. Many men believe that its ok to have discreet fun on the side while in a relationship . That gonna be something that is extremely hard to live with. You might want to visit a few of those adult sites and fill in his email address as if you lost your password to see if he is on any others.
Angel1111 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 I agree with the above post. He wasn't just playing around - he is seriously looking for someone to have sex with on the side. He wasn't upset with himself, he was upset that you found out. Walk away from this guy. You can't repair the damage he has done here. Don't waste your time trying.
TheLoosingBattle Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 i've been in your shoes but it was my girlfriend who joined the site. I loved this girl and would've done anything for her. Due to my work schedual i had to be in bed by 10pm. She stayed up late "hanging out with her friends." i started getting suspecious and kinda did the same thing you did. I got into her e-mail and she had hooked up with a guy from an adult site. I kicked her out of my house that same day! We stopped talking, i was misserable. she realised i was the greatest thing she ever had but it was to late. She moved back home (2 states away). we still talk and damn do i miss her but i know it won't work. I can't trust her any more. Most likely he did join that site to cheat. If you want to stay in the relationship i would ask him why he joined. Maybe he has a wierd fetish and is scared to tell you.
GirlNextDoor11 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 WOW!!!!! Talk about a flashback.....I was in your exact same situation about 2 years ago. My boyfriend of 8 months did the exact samething. He also said it was nothing just something he was joking around with, with his friends and he never sent any messages. Well I was smart I wrote down his password and login information for the site. Gave it a few weeks and then went back on the site because by this time he has deleted all his automatic logins for his email and all his normally visited sites. Well to my surprise and I actually didn't expect anything less he was on that site almost daily and exchanging emails with several poeple who were also on that site. I even found one email with very descriptive information about the night he had with this one woman and her husband and how he never expected this to happen but he had a great time (basically they met at a hotel and the 3 of them had a night full of some really gross things that I would never want to even say) So I printed out the emails and copy of the profile! Then confronted him. He tried denying it and then I threw the copies at him that I had made and said now try to deny it. He actually did try to deny it if you believe it, he said they were just making up senarios of what they would do if they met. I just laughed and asked him if he really thought I was that dumb. Well anyway to make a long story short.....if hes going on a site like that and looking for a "discreet" thing. GET OUT NOW, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN! I know its easier said then done but seriously those adult sites you have to pay for so why would he just be joking around! its like 40 bucks a month for those nasty sites. So honey really get out now before its too late! I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, trust me I know how you feel! good luck!
Reggie Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Honestly crushed, if he mentioned having a girlfriend and wanting "discreet fun" then he wasn't just playing around. Period. Many men believe that its ok to have discreet fun on the side while in a relationship . That gonna be something that is extremely hard to live with. You might want to visit a few of those adult sites and fill in his email address as if you lost your password to see if he is on any others.Apparently, just as many, if not more women feel the same. Sorry you are going through this. I'd consider bailing before entanglements get greater.
stampdaddy Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 what is the website and who are we looking for.. Maybe we can bait him... (not me of course cause I am a dude and homey don't play that)
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 He denied, lied and thinks that it is 'no big deal' - all indications that he will do it again, but will probably be more careful about it. I guess you would have to figure out if the relationship is worth the uphill battle you face from here on out. If he admitted it, acknowledged his wrongdoing, and offered to work on your relationship, I'd be more inclined to think that you guys have a shot.
stampdaddy Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 what is the website and who are we looking for.. Maybe we can bait him... (not me of course cause I am a dude and homey don't play that) but I have been known as a "Master Baiter"..
Enema Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Yeah, this one's a no brainer. Everyone else has said it pretty well. He's a cheater, a liar and you should dump him pronto.
Author crushed1 Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 what is the website and who are we looking for.. Maybe we can bait him... (not me of course cause I am a dude and homey don't play that) Thanks...that's the first time I've semi smiled today. He actually cancelled his membership and I saw verification that it was cancelled. I've not seen any other kind of activity like this on his part before. I just don't know why he would do this to me.
stampdaddy Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Thanks...that's the first time I've semi smiled today. He actually cancelled his membership and I saw verification that it was cancelled. I've not seen any other kind of activity like this on his part before. I just don't know why he would do this to me. You know, Everybody is telling you to dump him, and maybe I agree, maybe I don't. I DO agree "that ain't right!" what the hell is he thinking? How old is he? Maybe THIS is a wake up call for him? Maybe it is a wake up call for YOU? It definately is a big deal.. BUT, I also think that it could stand a chance at being over come.. But speaking of "Master Baition", he will be doing that a while I bet, cause your shop is closed for a while..... Just sit him down and ask, "WTF???????????"
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 That's just it - in his mind, he isn't doing anything to you, per se. He figured that what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you - and besides, he felt that it wouldn't hurt his relationship with you. That's how they justify it. He didn't do it to you. He did it for himself. In his mind, therein lies the difference. Had he hooked up, he would have thought and said, "this has nothing to do with you." I'm not saying he is right - just showing it from what his likely POV is.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 That's just it - in his mind, he isn't doing anything to you, per se. He figured that what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you - and besides, he felt that it wouldn't hurt his relationship with you. That's how they justify it. He didn't do it to you. He did it for himself. In his mind, therein lies the difference. Had he hooked up, he would have thought and said, "this has nothing to do with you." I agree completely with LB. Its a sport for some. Recreation. Kind of like playing golf with the guys/girls. Honey, I know you believe in all of the good things that you see in him. This doesn't mean they don't exist, it just means that they coexist with some not so good things. He could have gone out to a bar and scored but he wanted to find someone specifically who was willing upfront for NSA fun. Can you live with someone who thinks that's ok?
Athena Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Crushed, affairs don't just HAPPEN out of the blue... they start with a Thought. That thought multiplies and grows into a Way of Thinking. Then that way of thinking leads him/ prompts him to an Action.... that action leads to a Reaction from someone (he was fishing for someone, and something took the bait -- wow isn't he surprised), and then a Temptation for him to deal with (to tantalize him, for him to enjoy, to obsess over, to savor). Inevitably his initial 'thought' grows into a horrible Reality (and for some Cheaters THIS kind of reality of life within a marriage, or a committed relationship continues to grow, into a Pattern of Behavior). Right now, you caught him in the Action phase. It was good you confronted him. Now make sure he faces some kind of 'consequences' that he won't like, that will make him afraid of losing you if he repeats his actions or does down 'that path' again... because if you don't do this, he will after things settle down to a nice quiet normality (perhaps read: boring -- to him) undoubtedly he will be back at his game.
BlackLace Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 What I found was his profile with all the above pictures I found and his info page and what he was looking for. I too found the exact same thing from my bf 3 yrs ago (we've been dating for 6)...except mine was worse....he didn't say he was in a relationship!! We broke up but i eventually took him back. (bad idea) I don't think you should trust him, he was looking for someone "discreet" so he doesn't have to deal with you finding out. Thats a big red flag, the fact that he was open about being in a relationship might seem good to YOU but from his point of view it's just a way to make sure that the chicks he's trying to meet don't think he's single to call him or text or email him freely. Be careful!!!!!!
Author crushed1 Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 Thanks for everyone's input. I definitely have a lot more questions for him that I need answers to. I've asked him to come over so we can talk. I know it's not going to be easy, but I need all the information I can to make a decision I'm comfortable with. Knowing that other people have gone through the same is comforting to me. I just feel like I can't share this with any of my friends...not right now at least. I'm glad to find this site for some support.
2sure Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Just to clarify: If he joined just to share pics - he wouldnt have specifically said he was attached and needed to use discretion. DO NOT LET HIM USE THAT
gopher Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Sorry, but he isn't the wonderful guy that you thought he was. No matter the reason, he betrayed you and your relationship. He absolutely was looking to hook up, no matter what lies he told you. You deserve someone much better than that, so leave this chump to his 'fantasies'.
Athena Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Its just a matter of time before his mind goes awandering again, and the whole cycle starts up again, IMO
Mr. Lucky Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Thanks for everyone's input. I definitely have a lot more questions for him that I need answers to. I've asked him to come over so we can talk. I know it's not going to be easy, but I need all the information I can to make a decision I'm comfortable with. Crushed, I'm curious about what he could tell you or what information he could provide you that would change what you already know? Wouldn't anything he might say - "I was just looking", "I'll never do it again", "I wasn't really going to meet anyone", etc. - fall into the category of spin? Were I you, I don't think I'd want to spend the next 10 years looking over my shoulder... Mr. Lucky
GirlNextDoor11 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Crushed, I'm so sorry your going through this....trust me of all the posts and threads on this site...yours is one I understand more then you know. I posted before I went through the same exact thing with my ex. I too thought he was my world and the best thing to ever happen to me. We also spent almost everyday together. I stayed at his house during the week and he slept at my house every weekend. So I thought too there was rarely anytime for him to cheat. Well I was wrong! He was low enough to go and spent the night with one of the people from the site while I was at my cousins funeral. But in the end, just because he said he canceled the account....that doesn't change the fact that he was going to cheat in the first place. My EX told me so many different excuses too when I caught him with the website profile too. It was just a joke between me and my friends, I was just curious, I only was looking, I didn't really plan on meeting anyone just wanted to do it for the pics. But the excuses kept coming and everytime we "Talked" about it there was another "different" excuse. Trust me, you now see him as the person he really is...I know it will hurt more then anything but you need to get out now while your still not in a position of marriage or kids or anything else that will complicate it more. You deserve someone better that will not do this to you! Trust me its only going to get worse, I know this because I've been in your shoes! (your exact situation)
Trialbyfire Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 crushed, all the excuses in the world won't change who he is. He's someone who, as IWWH mentions, has a different attitude than you do, someone who doesn't believe in being monogamous. Get out before he rips your heart out worse, unless you can be happy in an open relationship. If so, make certain it's a two-way open relationship, where you can get your kicks off on the side.
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