Blindsided09 Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 This is insane!!! I have been married to my husband for one year now and dated him for two years before that. We had a very interesting relationship throughout. When things were good, they were great, (which was more times than not) when they weren't they were absolutely horrific! He is a 50 year old Italian and is verrrry passionate so when he was mad, he was pissed, like get out and get out now and don't you ever come back kind of pissed. I am 31. Well we went to counseling off and on and seemed to be on a good road, until lately (this past year) the affection has been low and the sex was well, boring and just things were just dull. So I met some guys on line and actually sent them some pretty racy pics. They reciprocated, but I never did anything physical. Well he went through my phone about two weeks ago and found them. To say he was livid is an understatement. He has since initiated divorce proceedings, he has called everyone in my phone to investigate, as of late he has served me with intent to vacate and divorce papers, he has started to help me pack my things, he has taken me off of the car insurance, he has started purchasing his own food and cooking it himself, he closes and locks the bedroom door at night and I have been sleeping in the spare bedroom and we have not spoken or on some occasions not even seen each other in days. I spoke to him today about a security issue at the house and he just went off, he now says he wants to sell the house and move away because he is so upset about all of this. I believe that he is serious about the divorce, but I am just totally devastated. This all started 12/30/08, it has almost been one month. We have a three month agreement that I have 90 days to find a new home from intent to separate papers being served. What can I say? I was wrong to do what I did, but I just needed some attention. I was a great wife in every other respect, I cooked, cleaned, had sex whenever he wanted, I was supportive, loving, fun and attractive. I am heart broken and figuratively sitting in a dark corner turning the lights off and on. I have two months before I have to leave the house. Can anyone tell me what to do, because I am clueless and I love my husband I just made a mistake and I am soooo genuinely sorry....
Geishawhelk Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Never mess with a hot-blooded Italian male. (I'm an Italian lady, I should know). You cheated, as far as he's concerned, and actually as far as many would be concerned on here too. You just don't do that kind of thing when you are in a relationship. "Mistake" is the wrong word. "Mistake" implies unintentional error. You knew exactly what you were doing, and why. So don't say you made a mistake, because you didn't. Alas, you are now reaping what you have sown. Love him, you might. Respect him you most certainly did not. Trust you, he definitely does not, nor ever will again. And communication..... ....What communication? Looks like he's done and dusted.
2sure Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Between the age difference, his 0-60 temperament, and his traditional Italian passion/views.... You should get out before he kills you.
BusterBrown Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 For most people, cheating is a deal breaker. It sounds like you really want him back, but put yourself in his shoes. Can you blame him for reacting this way? Sounds like you are just going to have to deal with the consequences whichever way it goes. This may be a life lesson that you will just have to learn the hard way. Have you asked him about counseling again?
Author Blindsided09 Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 While I appreciate everyone's seemingly forthright responses, it wasn't like I just all of a sudden went out posting movies of myself in the tub on youtube, quite the opposite, it was one picture of me showing off. I have done everything for this man for three years, from washing his filthy underwear, cooking his every meal, taking care of him after every surgical procedure to include admnistering iv drugs, cleanig and packing his wounds and even putting ointment on his elephant sized black (swollen and discolored) testicles after abdomnal surgery, all without complaint or seeking reward. But I did ask this man for a hug occasionally, not even everyday and weeks would go by when he would not so much as even touch me. My measurements are 43-31-42, I have soft smooth skin, gray eyes and long pretty hair and let me tell you I kept every thing about me beautiful for him from the time he woke up in the morning until the time he closed his eyes at night. I rubbed his feet, gave him massages, took care of the dry cleaning, all the shopping, kept the house immaculate AND HELD A FULL TIME JOB the whole time and all that I mentioned above was just in the last two months! and don't even get me started on the things I did in the bedroom for this man at his behest. In disagreements past he has went as far as calling me a nigger, calling my grandmother and told her I was a s**t and pushing me down in anger and still I stayed and tried to work through HIS anger management problems with him, only for him to tell me of his "mad undying love for me" which obviously is at his discretion to dispense when it suits him. So for someone to tell me that "I didn't love or respect him" is sadly mistaken. I did make a mistake, because I am human, and not perfect like Geishawhelk obviously. Either he will realize that or he won't. I would like to live my life with him, but if he chooses not to try and work through this, then peace be unto him!
Geishawhelk Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Hey, wait a minute! We knew all this in your first post, did we? If you don't come up with all the info, you can't expect to have a balanced appraisal of what you say. So don't go leaping down my throat dearie, because i only fed you a half-cock answer, because you gave me a half-cock outline. As I said, he's Italian. This in itself should speak volumes to you. He's egotistic, and chauvinistic, and has an Ego to match. he expects to be put first at all times and believe me, his reaction is typically Latin. So why really, after this - I was a great wife in every other respect, I cooked, cleaned, had sex whenever he wanted, I was supportive, loving, fun and attractive. I am heart broken and figuratively sitting in a dark corner turning the lights off and on. I have two months before I have to leave the house. Can anyone tell me what to do, because I am clueless and I love my husband ..... You then follow with this - I have done everything for this man for three years, from washing his filthy underwear, cooking his every meal, taking care of him after every surgical procedure to include admnistering iv drugs, cleanig and packing his wounds and even putting ointment on his elephant sized black (swollen and discolored) testicles after abdomnal surgery, all without complaint or seeking reward. But I did ask this man for a hug occasionally, not even everyday and weeks would go by when he would not so much as even touch me. My measurements are 43-31-42, I have soft smooth skin, gray eyes and long pretty hair and let me tell you I kept every thing about me beautiful for him from the time he woke up in the morning until the time he closed his eyes at night. I rubbed his feet, gave him massages, took care of the dry cleaning, all the shopping, kept the house immaculate AND HELD A FULL TIME JOB the whole time, and don't even get me started on the things I did in the bedroom for this man. In disagreements past he has went as far as calling me a nigger, calling my grandmother and told her I was a s**t and pushing me down in anger and still I stayed and tried to work through HIS anger management problems with him, only for him to tell me of his "mad undying love for me" which obviously is at his discretion to dispense when it suits him Is just confusing and double-speak. You obviously resent him, feel angry at him, and did something for yourself, to make yourself feel better and validate your position in your eyes. If he won't talk about it, refuses to see it, discuss it or entertin the idea of reconciliation, then he's a bigger idiot than you thought. Perhaps it's time to get over him deal with it, walk and find better?
BusterBrown Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 While I appreciate everyone's seemingly forthright responses, it wasn't like I just all of a sudden went out posting movies of myself in the tub on youtube, quite the opposite, it was one picture of me showing off. That is exactly one too many. But as far as him calling you names and stuff, well, that's just completely uncalled for.
2sure Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 No one is saying you are not sorry and you know you made a mistake. In my opinion your mistake was not not unforgivable. However, given the original info plus the newly added - my advice remains the same: Between the age difference, his 0-60 temperament, and his traditional Italian passion/views.... You should get out before he kills you. __________________ I would simply substitute "RUN" for "get out".
Author Blindsided09 Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 I actually had to laugh at that because between his Italian switch blades, various chemical agents he keeps for protection, his metal baseball bat, his spiked brass knuckles and any of his 12 guns or assault weapons, I probably should run huh? I have to laugh to keep from crying...
LakesideDream Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Well lady, while I don't share your husbands temper, I do share his intent. If I found out my girlfriend of a week, or month, or Wife of a year or ten years was sending and receiving intimate photo's with one, or as you say a couple of men I would either leave immediately, or ask her to leave immediately whichever the situation dictated (who owns house, pays etc). I'm a few years older than your soon to be ex, and I'm way past the bullscat stage. What you did would be an instant deal breaker. No amount of groveling, counseling, or whining would change my mine. Life is to short to spend it with a skank.
Author Blindsided09 Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 eI didn't say I was trading "intimate pictures with one or several men" I said I traded one picture of myself with on person. I doubt you would ever find yourself in this position Lakeside if you are older than he is because hopefully you are wise enough to give the person in your life the affection and attention they need certainly after begging you for it for seven months, but thank you for sage like advice oh wise one.
Owl Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 OK...what are you hoping to hear, while you're here on LS? You've indicated that you're unhappy with the marriage, and as a result ended up sending "one racy pic to one guy". But, that also went with online flirting with him, etc... What you're not getting is that it doesn't matter how many it was. As someone said, that was "one too many". Your H considers it a deal-breaker...as many on here have agreed they would as well. Are you asking what you can do to win him back? To get a second chance with him? I'm not sure, given the scene you painted in your second post, and your responses to others here. What kind of advice, exactly, are you looking for? How to get a second chance with him? How to convince him to change how he treats you in marriage? Pick a goal...and let's focus on that.
Geishawhelk Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 eI didn't say I was trading "intimate pictures with one or several men" I said I traded one picture of myself with on person. I doubt you would ever find yourself in this position Lakeside if you are older than he is because hopefully you are wise enough to give the person in your life the affection and attention they need certainly after begging you for it for seven months, but thank you for sage like advice oh wise one. I'm sorry, but you have a bi-atch attitude. Suck it up. You cr*pped on your h. Seems he cr*pped on you too. Well, suck it up, own it and deal with it. Why did you post, exactly? I therefore echo Owl's question. What is it you want? Tea and sympathy? Or some proper Get-real advice?
2sure Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Blindsided seems to feel her indiscretion was small, and that regardless her husband has driven her to seek attention elsewhere. From her description of her H and his behavior he sounds awful to some...but she apparently wants to know what she can do to gain his forgiveness and have him stop the divorce. I personally, would want out but... I suppose you could try telling him you found God. He sees himself as a traditional ethnic male, sees his throwing you out as the only thing for a man like him to do, his pride has been deeply offended. Finding religion, going to confession, things like that seem to go far with people such as himself. I dont personally condone this insincerity, and am sure you will go straight to hell , but....it might be a card to play .
TrustInYourself Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Why would you want to remain married to a cranky, disabled, old, man with a swollen unit? Security? Familiarity? Yuck.
LakesideDream Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 eI didn't say I was trading "intimate pictures with one or several men" I said I traded one picture of myself with on person. I doubt you would ever find yourself in this position Lakeside if you are older than he is because hopefully you are wise enough to give the person in your life the affection and attention they need certainly after begging you for it for seven months, but thank you for sage like advice oh wise one. Blindsided09, I re-read your original post twice. Here are your exact words cut and pasted. So I met some guys on line and actually sent them some pretty racy pics. They reciprocated In my befuddled mind "some guys" denotes more than one, possibly more than two. "Some pretty racy pics" clearly describes more than one picture as you used the plural in your post. Not that it matters. History is there to be "adjusted". I would hope that I would be more attentive to a spouses needs. Not being the "hot blooded Italian" your soon to be ex husband seems to be I can't put myself into his shoes. I stand by my statement though. If I found my spouse sending "racy" photos to another man or men, I'd dump the skank in a New York second.
Author Blindsided09 Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 Lakeside you sound like such a bitter old man, hopefully you can feel better about yourself as opposed to trying to put people on this board down. I apologize for my incorrect use of tenses as I poured out my story in hopes of gaining helpful insight. Clearly there are some people on this site that have nothing else to do but try and make people feel like they are not worthy of being loved. So if you have no useful advice to offer me please don't bother to respond, as the title of this thread was "what can I do?", not "can you play God and judge me please?" I was simply seeking advice on how to perhaps repair the damage especially from the cultural perspective if at all possible, if it sounded like there was no hope then that's fine too, I was not however asking to be called names. I think that was uncalled for.
LakesideDream Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Lakeside you sound like such a bitter old man, hopefully you can feel better about yourself as opposed to trying to put people on this board down. I apologize for my incorrect use of tenses as I poured out my story in hopes of gaining helpful insight. Clearly there are some people on this site that have nothing else to do but try and make people feel like they are not worthy of being loved. So if you have no useful advice to offer me please don't bother to respond, as the title of this thread was "what can I do?", not "can you play God and judge me please?" I was simply seeking advice on how to perhaps repair the damage especially from the cultural perspective if at all possible, if it sounded like there was no hope then that's fine too, I was not however asking to be called names. I think that was uncalled for. Blindsided09, I appreciate your concern for me, seriously, no kidding. I happily, easily admit to you, as I have to this board for years, that I was a very bitter man for the first few years after my divorce. I very angry, about what happened. That bitterness has been gone for years now. The last vestige of "bitterness" (for lack of a better term) is that I still deeply resent having wasted 25 years of love, vigor, youth, and effort to a woman who was having an affair the whole time. Each time I wake and get out of bed my body screams at me from the efforts made in the past. It's hard to forget. My comments to you were inspired by realism. My personality is one which refuses to make excuses for a cheating spouse or "SO". Both your husband and I are at a point in life where our time remaining is precious. Months and years are much more valuable now than they were when I was 30, or even 40. If I were your husband, loved you, and I found what your man found I would be thanking gawd that I'd only wasted a year on you. It seems likely that your Husband feels the same way. I'm sorry if my approach to giving advice doesen't serve you. In the end, the truth is what's lasting and important.
Gunny376 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Blindsided09, I appreciate your concern for me, seriously, no kidding. I happily, easily admit to you, as I have to this board for years, that I was a very bitter man for the first few years after my divorce. I very angry, about what happened. That bitterness has been gone for years now. The last vestige of "bitterness" (for lack of a better term) is that I still deeply resent having wasted 25 years of love, vigor, youth, and effort to a woman who was having an affair the whole time. Each time I wake and get out of bed my body screams at me from the efforts made in the past. It's hard to forget. My comments to you were inspired by realism. My personality is one which refuses to make excuses for a cheating spouse or "SO". Both your husband and I are at a point in life where our time remaining is precious. Months and years are much more valuable now than they were when I was 30, or even 40. If I were your husband, loved you, and I found what your man found I would be thanking gawd that I'd only wasted a year on you. It seems likely that your Husband feels the same way. I'm sorry if my approach to giving advice doesen't serve you. In the end, the truth is what's lasting and important. LT. There's no mutual point of reference! This is like comparing the Dennis Rodman/LA Riots to the Tet Offensive. Its why "vets know vets" and the reason combat vets don't discuss "it" with non-combat vets. (As in, "Yea you were "in-country" but were you "in-country")
Geishawhelk Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Lakeside you sound like such a bitter old man, hopefully you can feel better about yourself as opposed to trying to put people on this board down. I apologize for my incorrect use of tenses as I poured out my story in hopes of gaining helpful insight. Clearly there are some people on this site that have nothing else to do but try and make people feel like they are not worthy of being loved. So if you have no useful advice to offer me please don't bother to respond, as the title of this thread was "what can I do?", not "can you play God and judge me please?" I was simply seeking advice on how to perhaps repair the damage especially from the cultural perspective if at all possible, if it sounded like there was no hope then that's fine too, I was not however asking to be called names. I think that was uncalled for. You have a massive chip on your shoulder honey, and before you decide to jump down people's throats, take a big step back, and a good, long, hard look at the situation in your lap. Your H. treated you badly, repeatedly, inspite of everything you did for him. He let the side down, but what you did for him was not "above and beyond the call of duty". It was part of your marriage vows, or contract. In sickness and in health....you know? And if he got away with treating you like that - it's because you let him. You put up with it, tolerated it and took it on the chin. For some reason. And only you know what that was. I'm sure you'd say it was Love, but at the same time you're notching Brownie points up for yourself, and building resentment against him. Not healthy...... Now, you've done something which he's decided is intolerable, and cannot forgive you for. So your patience boundaries, seem broader, wider or stronger than his. There's an incompatibility right there. He's basically decided the marriage is over. Loud and clear. The only thing you can do, is accept it, say good riddance to a man who bullied and ridiculed you, and move on. What else is there to say?
Nozz Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Well coming from a fellow Itailian man I understand his feelings. He feels betrayed and his pride is hurt. Therefore he is shutting down his emotional outlet like Fort Nox. My advice would be to show him you are trustworthy through actions and words. Let him know that you need him and he is important t you. This ofcourse if you want to fix things. LS is a good place, but sometimes you will get advice that can be a little hard to take. People tend to give advice based on their past relashionships. So grain of salt.... Best wishes to you..
NYCmitch25 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Lakeside you sound like such a bitter old man, hopefully you can feel better about yourself as opposed to trying to put people on this board down. I apologize for my incorrect use of tenses as I poured out my story in hopes of gaining helpful insight. Clearly there are some people on this site that have nothing else to do but try and make people feel like they are not worthy of being loved. So if you have no useful advice to offer me please don't bother to respond, as the title of this thread was "what can I do?", not "can you play God and judge me please?" I was simply seeking advice on how to perhaps repair the damage especially from the cultural perspective if at all possible, if it sounded like there was no hope then that's fine too, I was not however asking to be called names. I think that was uncalled for. Actually I would have to say that I'm agreeing with you here a little bit -- many people psychologically projecting in the forums but it's expected. I'd say that the guy you are hooked up with has serious mental issues (being Italian has nothing to do with it) but you guys are a perfect match somehow (not really a compliment) I suggest that you try to make it clear to him you would never do this again, kiss his butt as much as possible, and give him a lot of great sex.. lol. If he refuses all of that.. Call me .. lol (ps. send pics first)
TrustInYourself Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Spaceballs?! How can I take you seriously with an avatar like that!
SerenityX2 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I'm bemused at all the "Italian men act like this" references. My husband is 1/2 Italian (Sicilian) and 1/2 German, I'm guessing though b/c he was rasied by his mom (German) and grandma primarily he doesn't have the stereotypical qualities. He has the passion and will tell me he's a lover not a fighter:love: He grew up with horrific stories from his uncles and dad However although we share old fashioned values, he's not "old world". In fact since I'm in school he does all the work around the house plus working so I can focus on school. He dotes on me taking care of EVERYTHING and emphasis is on everything! So I'm not sure why it's being bandied about that "oh well he's Italian you should be doing all that and more and yeah, they got a temper to boot" Not all of them do. Frankly yours is at the least verbally abusive so I'm not sure why you'd want to put up with that. However all that said the only thing you can do is TALK to him. If he refuses even that, you have your answer I'm afraid. You can't sustain a marriage with zero communication, that fosters the trust etc...If you want this then ask him to talk, you've made boneheaded choices but are willing to dive into self to figure out why....if he refuses, that's all you can do. No amount of conniving, cajoling or playing games are going to work.
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