darhma Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 I do not understand why someone who divorces you...that you agree to all their demands...that you give them the house...that you did not cheat but you have reason to believe cheated on you...would hate YOU. To the point that he is not paying the last divorce installment check and forcing me to take him to court for it when I took his business from 100K to 700K. I just can not understand why someone would want to hurt the one they left and they screwed over? Someone please give me some insight???
Geishawhelk Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Because some people confuse legal requirements with revenge. They muddle the emotional with the 'purely business.' Anyone who conducts the business-side of a Divorce, emotively, is bound to come off worse. He's had a taste of that and doesn't like it. So there you go. Anger, resentment, revenge - and illegal witholding of funds. And there you have it.
2sure Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Geisha once again has hit the nail on the head. They hate on principle, simply because you are the EX, and they consider it a right/obligation to fight you. My ex (daughter's dad) has always been contrary to me, picked fights with me, made simple things hard . At one point he was struggling so I waived child support - thinking this would ease some tension - Nope! He complained I used the child support to fund a family vacation to Europe. Note, he wasnt paying me!! I once asked why he hated me so, after all these years, he said: Because you're my EX, I'm supposed to.
Author darhma Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 That would make sense however...I am the one who made the emotionally stupid decisions and got screwed over in the divorce. He has no need to be upset...I agreed to every ridiculous thing he requested.
Geishawhelk Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Doesn't matter. he sees you as 'wrong'. You could agree to enter a convent at the top of the alps and never emerge, and it would still be the wrong thing in his eyes.
Sands_of_time Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Doesn't matter. he sees you as 'wrong'. You could agree to enter a convent at the top of the alps and never emerge, and it would still be the wrong thing in his eyes. Geisha--you made me laugh!
Geishawhelk Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Oh I know... I do that. It's a curse, I tell you.
Author darhma Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 Do people like this ever wake up...and have regret? I have always ended relationships on a loving note. This has been the most difficult thing I have ever been through. The man I did the most for...has ended up treating me the worst. It just so sickens me.
theBrokenMuse Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 I do not understand why someone who divorces you...that you agree to all their demands...that you give them the house...that you did not cheat but you have reason to believe cheated on you...would hate YOU. He forces himself to hate you because he does not want to deal with the fact that you are a decent human being that he's defecated on. If he can continue to demonize you, then he doesn't have to internalize his own actions and feel the empathy, guilt or shame for way he's treated you. It's a defense mechanism for people that are too broken or cowardly to accept the blame for their own behavior.
Geishawhelk Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Good one, TheBrokenMuse... or to put it slightly differently - he's 'projecting'. Everything he hates himself for, and knows he's responsible for, is your fault. he's abdicating responsibility for his own actions, and in some perverse way justifying hating you, because if it hadn't been for you..... 'whatever'-ing.... this wouldn't have happened. So he's load-shifting. And making sure he piles on the agony, so that it gets heavy.
Author darhma Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 Thank you for all your insight. It really helped me to keep my emotions in check the last couple days by not taking it personally. It worked...I got my final payment today!!!!
IfWishesWereHorses Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 He forces himself to hate you because he does not want to deal with the fact that you are a decent human being that he's defecated on. If he can continue to demonize you, then he doesn't have to internalize his own actions and feel the empathy, guilt or shame for way he's treated you. It's a defense mechanism for people that are too broken or cowardly to accept the blame for their own behavior. This is exactly the case. They have to hate you to leave. You must become the enemy. I've heard this time and time again from therapists (via friends in your position) and read it many times as well.
Nomad1 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 He is looking for a negative reaction from you to help him deal with the conflict within himself. It sounds as though you were nice to him, but for whatever reason, he treated you like dirt! What would make him feel justified is to see you respond in a negative way. That would assuage his guilt. He will be able to say to himself 'right, that is the reason why I did what I did to her'. She deserved it. Don't give him that chance. Be yourself and distance from him. nomad1
Gunny376 Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 I do not understand why someone who divorces you...that you agree to all their demands...that you give them the house...that you did not cheat but you have reason to believe cheated on you...would hate YOU. To the point that he is not paying the last divorce installment check and forcing me to take him to court for it when I took his business from 100K to 700K. I just can not understand why someone would want to hurt the one they left and they screwed over? Someone please give me some insight??? I've been working on that one for eighteen years! When I figure it out? I'll get back with you!
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